I want to be totally dominated, is it lack of self respect?

[LittleDragon456]

don't know why, but I have always had a thing for older boys/guys/men.

Even as a little girl, I always had a crush on the older boys. I love the thought

of a tall, strong man protecting me. I always have. I am the youngest child out of

3 daughters in my family. My parents will be celebrating their 32nd wedding

anniversary next summer. I have always been distant of my father. He has a

wild temper, and it's always scared me. So I've never really gotten close with

him. I didn't realize how strained our relationship was until I noticed how all of

my friend's daddies used to tell them they looked pretty, or they would call them

pet names. My father never does that. I have little self esteem, and my father

sometimes makes fun of my looks, and screams and yells at me. He's been physically abusive to me

before.

 

I'm seventeen, and I still have taste for older guys. I've noticed how I fantasize

about men in their mid fourties to mid sixties having dominate sex with me.

I want to submit to someone, I want them to totally dominate me, I want them

to please me, and I want them to know how. I want someone to spank me, and

pet me, and call me a good/bad little girl. I know that sounds creepy.

 

I am a virgin, and I do have a boyfriend, he is 21. He is the oldest boyfriend I

have had. All of my boyfriends (I've only been with 3) have been older than me.

I fantasize about being the submissive little wife to an older man. Always

cooking and cleaning for him, washing and ironing his clothes, etc. I have

been told by certain people that I'm like this because I have no self esteem,

but is this normal? Is this normal for me to have this great fear of being alone,

or not taken care of? It's like a need a daddy to take care of me. I know that

sounds so weird, but really, is this normal? Why am I like this?

Edited December 19, 2012 by LittleDragon456

[CarrieT]

You are totally normal and there are *tens of thousands* of girls that are exactly like you...

 

I was like you when I was your age (30 years ago), but there was no Internet to explore and inquire about such feelings.

 

I would recommend you go to fetlife-dot-com; join some Submission groups and do a lot reading and investigating before you delve into the D/s world. There are a lot of other women there who can guide and advise how to enter the lifestyle intelligently, to maintain your security and individuality.

 

There are a lot of predators and people who will take advantage of you. Learn the rules of the game and how to set boundaries before you get involved with anyone! It can be a *very* rewarding lifestyle...

[Els]

It depends on your reasons. There are plenty of people who are turned on by being dominated because it is truly a fetish of theirs - but there are other people for whom it is also a symptom of poor self-esteem or past abuse/trauma and it doesn't genuinely turn them on. I think you should read more about it as Carrie suggested, but I also suggest that you work on your self-esteem issues as well, by either therapy or removing the unhealthy elements from your life.

[rushmeblakey]

i think it is totally normal to be attracted to older men, i started dating my husband when i was 17 and he was 34 and it wasnt weird at all now i am married to him and he 41 an im 24 at the present and its great i think with the older men they are more matured and have more life experience and better idea how to deal with things. i dont want it is about me but i have only had old men ever hit on me .

[Got it]

I think you need to reason out why you feel these things. For me it is one thing to want to be submissive in bed but another to be submissive in all other areas; wanting to be taken care of. That to me is more concerning.

 

I have a father with a bad temper so I get those issues. Its hard when you grow up with a father who is a bully. I had low self esteem at your age, eating disorder, etc. I worked through it both on my own and in therapy and actually do not have those issues with him. It is amazing what standing up to a bully does. We actually have a good relationship now but it was hard as a kid.

 

My personality is a type A control freak with a guilt complex so I was the "fixer" in my family.

 

I never had an attraction to older guys, actually they scared me. My fiance now is the oldest person I have been with and he is 6 years older.

[LittleDragon456]

Not at all

[amazingdrummer]

I think I have the same problem with you, I always appear to be stubborn and every guys think that I need space, but actually, I want to be submissive. And yes, I'm attracted to older men. I also have "control freak" problem. Everytime I texted my bf and he didn't answer, I would call him and if he didn't pick up the phone or drop a line like "I'm busy, call you later", I started to imagine all the wildest things possible. Car accident, he felt down and broke his leg, he suddenly got sick.... And all of those things drive me crazy, I can't do anything but keep worrying about him. And I guess it makes him feel so annoyed too.

[Killer Queen]

I'm similar. I'm 22 and I fantasize about educated, much older men dominating me sexually. I get so turned on by older men with authority. I love men in suits, smart clothing, etc. and men with glasses as well. I never want to do all the chores for a man, though, but I do prefer an intelligent older man to take care of me and give me advice.

 

My dad was never mean to me but he was 50 when I was born (much older than my mum) and my mum and grandma did most of the work in raising me, while my dad worked and watched tv when he came home. I admit, it's probably because of that...

[CarrieT]

I think there is a HUGE misconception that people (men and women) who crave to be submissive come from abusive or broken homes.

 

I can remember being six or eight years old when I first read a fairy tale of the Arabian Nights and reference to a harem and I know I was interested that early (I also know I was masturbating that young as well). I had these fantasies VERY EARLY in my puberty and came from a very loving and stable home (parents married 55 years).

 

Now, yes, I am a triple rape victim and it is not unusual for rape victims - after they have healed - to be interested in rape fantasies. But I can state for me, unequivocally, that my yearnings for submission occurred much earlier than my pre-teen and early adulthood abuse.

 

This is why I heartily recommend reading and therapy - especially if one has been abused - to determine where these feelings stem from and how to intelligently and responsibly manage them. The plethora of screwed up D/s relationships is just as prevalent as vanilla relationships only there are more layers to the problems mostly - I believe - because those involved are not as aware and insightful as to the genesis of their feelings.

 

But applying a blanket statement of, "I was abused and came from a broken home" which explains submissive tendencies is irresponsible for all involved.

[SteveC80]

You'e normal..most women deep down want to be dominated and submissive to their man

[CarrieT]

most women deep down want to be dominated and submissive to their man

I think that statement is erroneous.

[KathyM]

You're only 17, hon. Not even an adult yet. Don't go looking for middle aged men who will screw around with you and then break your heart. You're at the age where you should be having fun hanging out with your teenage classmates. There will be plenty of time as you get older to explore this stuff if you decide to go that route, but right now enjoy your youth while you have it, and protect yourself from these middle aged perverts that would like nothing more than to take advantage of some 17 year old. And don't go on those adult websites looking to hook up with some perverts on there either. You never know what kind of scum you're going to meet on there, and any middle aged man who would do that to a 17 year old is scum.

[edgygirl]

I agree. My parents have been married for 50 years, I don't come from a broken home nor I have daddy issues or am attracted to older men. Yet I like being a sub, in bed only. I don't think psychologists have a definite answer for where this preference comes from.

 

CarrieT do you think thrapy can help someone understand where it stems from if there was no abuse involved? I never felt like discussing it in therapy before but maybe it's a good idea? Honestly not sure.

 

I think there is a HUGE misconception that people (men and women) who crave to be submissive come from abusive or broken homes.

 

But applying a blanket statement of, "I was abused and came from a broken home" which explains submissive tendencies is irresponsible for all involved.

Edited December 25, 2012 by edgygirl

[Kupo]

Sometimes the way we develop is the result of childhood trauma or stress, and while unusual nothing we should be made to feel ashamed of. It's also nothing that we should take lightly and treat as if it doesn't need to be fully understood so that we can seek out truly fulfilling and healthy experiences for ourselves. I don't know much about you, so I could only throw out idle guesses.

 

I came from a broken home, but I turned out the opposite and have a craving for dominance in the bedroom. Sexuality is a complicated thing and blanket statements are really not helpful.

 

You'll have to dig a lot deeper than your self-esteem.

[Radu]

Carrie's and edgy's post are pure gold OP, you should listen to them.

 

I'm 30 and i'm a guy.

One of my earliest recollections was when i was 5-6 and i was playing 'doctor' with a girl from next door [this is a bit embarassing to admit].

My fantasies changed a lot over the next few yrs after that, and i had pretty strong and complex ones by the time i was 10, when newspaper clippings [no Playboy or those kind of magazines] and books that i was reading voraciously gave me more fantasies [i have one about Robinson Crusoe from when i was 8 and read the book].

One of the first 'sexy' publications featured stories of cuckolding and rape with fictional characters presented as real [most of the stuff took place in Germany].

I was ashamed about it when i got older, i viewed myself as broken, bad, someone who should not be allowed to have family.

 

Only in the last 2yrs of my life i have started to look at the subject more [comics and books are awesome].

All i can say is to not be ashamed of how you feel as long as what you like does not emotionally, psychologically or physically hurts someone.

 

And if you want to explore this kind of stuff, i recommend Nancy Friday's books ... she has one on popular male fantasies too.

[Angel Heart]

I'm much older than you, OP, but I thoroughly like to be a 'submissive' in a relationship. Some men don't understand what that truly means and I have to explain to them my preferences.

 

My partner now doesn't understand how I gain great sexual pleasure simply by pleasing him. He's not a dominating type of person but he sure doesn't mind me enjoying giving him special attention.

 

Self-esteem issues need to be addressed if that is a concern for you. Just ask yourself why you like to be dominated and make a list for yourself.

[Els]

Wait, you're 17?

 

I missed that bit. I think you need to be very, very careful about meeting men from online BDSM sites in that case. Those can be manageable by people with more experience, but at 17 they are really not the place to meet men. Plenty of predators go there as Doms-in-disguise, hoping for inexperienced young women whom they can brainwash via the facade of dominance into doing what they want. My suggestion is, use the internet solely to read up about BDSM (do not skip the parts about what a truly caring Dominant is like, as opposed to the user/abuser), meet men closer to your age group and experiment with light bondage with them first.

 

I'm not saying that all older men or all online Dominants are users/abusers, but there is a significant portion of them who are very practiced in hiding it well, and at 17 you really do not have the life experience to tell one from the other. Especially if you have ingrained self-esteem issues. One young woman to another, please heed my advice.