Question for BS (part 2)

[JamesM]

Another thread is about whether a ONS or a long term affair is worse. Does the length of time make it any worse?

 

So I ask a couple of questions:

 

Which is worse....a physical connection outside of the marriage or an emotional connection outside of the marriage?

 

Would you have rather that he/she came back and admitted to having a FWB or f*ckbuddy which was never more than physical, or would you rather that he/she had an emotional connection which was ranked nigher than the one he/she had with you?

 

And this probably applies to women more than men because women who stray rarely visit paid sex workers....

 

Would you have been less angry if your husband visited escorts/prostitutes on a regular basis rather than had a FWB or a emotional connection with another woman? Or would it have been less disgusting if he had simply had an affair with someone?

 

Or back to everyone...is it simply that he/she lied to you over and over and over that made the affair/cheating hurt so much?

 

Curious if men and women differ in their answers.

[waterwoman]

Emotional connection. He could have shagged her senseless for months as long as he didn't love her. Sadly it was the other way round.

[beenburned]

I said in the other thread that I personally think the ONS/FB is less damaging (to the spouse and marriage), than a long term affair where the spouse fell in love with the OW.

 

But any kind of cheating messes with the BS's emotional and physical health.

It all hurts and causes much anger, depression, and feelings of emotional insecurity.

 

Only the BS can determine just what is a deal breaker to them personally.

[Tainted love]

My WS had an affair that both fulfilled his sexual needs and was gratifying on the emotional side too (adoration on both sides, listening, support etc).

 

The lies hurt most. Lies would have been told whether it was physical or emotional. However, for me, the fact that he supported his OW, listened to her, talked her through problems, was there for her when she felt lonely or needed support...that's almost too much to bear because at home he had someone who was all of those things but he used me to organise the dull parts of his life - he kept the excitement for her.

 

I often think if it had been a one night stand I would have found a way to understand it. But an emotional and physical? Can't seem to understand how someone could be so cruel -even to the OW who he has now thrown under a bus while he desperately pleads to be let back into my life.

[Owl]

I'm not sure that there's an answer to this question for most folks.

 

It's like asking which is worse, being run over by a Ford or a Chevy?

 

Either way...massive emotional damage and trauma is inflicted. Differing slightly perhaps, but still it's hard to call one worse than the other.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Betrayed Husband here.

An EA would be much easier for me to cope with compared to a PA.

[JamesM]

I'm not sure that there's an answer to this question for most folks.

 

It's like asking which is worse, being run over by a Ford or a Chevy?

 

Either way...massive emotional damage and trauma is inflicted. Differing slightly perhaps, but still it's hard to call one worse than the other.

 

I am curious because when I read the stories, it seems that women are more troubled by the emotional connection that the man had rather than the sexual connection. She is bothered by how he gave his soul to some other woman while she sat at home and needed someone.

 

Men seem to be bothered more by the fact that some other guy made his woman excited and sexually aroused.

 

Both men and women seem to dislike the lies.

 

Hence my question....am I right in my thinking or wrong?

[carhill]

IMO, it's more individual than gender-relevant, but generalities tend to be assigned by gender.

 

As an outlier male (males generally have vivid images of sexual infidelity), I find a long-term emotional connection to be the most debilitating. An association which was/is prioritized at the emotional level equal to or superior to the marriage.

 

By the time I started having sex, many women in my generation, and for sure the women I was with, had experienced far more sexual partners than I and their expressed perspective on sex was more functional than emotional. Hence, it would or did not surprise or shock me that they'd be functioning, even if inappropriately, with other men, as they had a history of it. It was normal for them. Inappropriate in a monogamous relationship, perhaps, but normal in a basal way. Hence, short term and sexual would be my choice for the least consequential inappropriate behavior from a partner.

 

This range would apply regardless of whether the inappropriate behavior were disclosed or hidden. Additional processing might apply to address the aspects of hiding, as that ranges beyond the affair dynamic itself. The same would apply to sexually transmitted diseases, which are a risk with sexual affairs but not with emotional affairs where no sexual contact occurs.

[Spark1111]

I am curious because when I read the stories, it seems that women are more troubled by the emotional connection that the man had rather than the sexual connection. She is bothered by how he gave his soul to some other woman while she sat at home and needed someone.

 

Men seem to be bothered more by the fact that some other guy made his woman excited and sexually aroused.

 

Both men and women seem to dislike the lies.

 

Hence my question....am I right in my thinking or wrong?

 

yes James, I think there is validity to what you are asking.

 

I think we grieve most that which we feel the greatest attachment to and what we most treasure about our spouse, whether it be the physical or emotional connection,or both.

 

The lies? Those cross gender and universally destroy all we valued in our partner; someone we trusted above all others.

[JamesM]

why are you asking' date=' are you writing a book? And what is your opinion?[/quote']

 

 

Oddly, the main reason I ask is to help me understand why I would not want an affair or want my wife in an affair. As weird as it sounds, the many OWs, OMs, and BSs have helped me and still do help me in my own marriage. I ask many questions, and I take many sides (some quite controversial and that cause anger I know) to get as much info as I can. This info lets me know what I need to do to fix my marriage and stay out of affairs...but above all, why. The raw emotions and pain expressed by many BSs have shown me how a few moments of pleasure can cause a lifetime of pain. And these many stories have helped me in finding some solutions and reason for fixing my own. The OWs on the other hand have shown me that many MM are not loving and caring, but selfish and needy. Yes, these MM got into affairs because of a lack of something in their marriage, but many simply left for reasons that could have been fixed. Instead of fixing them, they ran from them. And now that they are in an affair, they have not only hurt their wives, but they have confused and hurt the OW. I see many OWs as victims and not predators. They have feelings that are just as real as the BSs. They love this man as does the BS. And their hearts are torn out when the MM decides to stay with the marriage just as the BS's heart is ripped apart if the MM decides to leave the marriage.

 

And when we think of the children involved, it angers me. THAT alone has kept me from leaving or straying more than anything. The pain and confusion brought to their young lives, which will change its direction, is unfair to them. They suffer while one or both parents selfishly pursue their pleasure without thinking of the pain they are causing.

 

I will still be one who understand both sides. I will still say that I am a man who could stray. I will never say never. But I know deep down that many many people here on LS have helped me understand so much of the dynamics of bad marriages, divorces, and affairs. These feelings and emotions that they have bravely said will help me, as I am sure they have helped others. What I have learned from them and of myself has made me realize that I don't think I could truly get into an affair without stopping myself. Too much of what has been said would reverberate in my mind as I would go step by step into the abyss of the affair.

 

There....that is my book. Yes, it came from the heart. many have criticized me for my stances, and I understand the anger. Maybe this will help them understand a little bit more of where I come from.

 

As for my opinion...I know for myself that if my wife had an affair....I would be most hurt by her sexual escapades with another man. The thought of her moving and responding to another man's manipulations is painful and maddening. I know that she knows this too, and she has said that hurting me is a huge reason why she could never do it. So I know that if she did, then she would know that she hurt me deeply why she did it.

 

I also know that if I were to get sex elsewhere without developing an emotional connection, then she could forgive me much quicker than if I were to put her second emotionally. Our friendship, my emotional support, and our deep connection is one of her most valuable gifts in life. She has said it. So, if I were to take that elsewhere and place her below someone else's welfare, then she would know that I did it while realizing the pain I caused her.

 

If you are involved emotionally and then make it physical, that is when there is no going back.

 

Can you go the other way? I don't think so. Men can be physical and leave it, but can women? Or do women become emotionally attached either before or after a sexual connection?

[Mr. Lucky]

As for my opinion...I know for myself that if my wife had an affair....I would be most hurt by her sexual escapades with another man. The thought of her moving and responding to another man's manipulations is painful and maddening. I know that she knows this too, and she has said that hurting me is a huge reason why she could never do it. So I know that if she did, then she would know that she hurt me deeply why she did it.

I think that, rather than being gender specific, the answer is tied to the strengths and weaknesses found in our own relationships. Your answer comes from the challenges you've faced maintaining an satisfying sexual connection with your wife so to see her "give" that to another man would be especially painful. My wife and I have a reasonably active (for our age ) sex life but struggle at times with the emotional connection. It would be much easier - within a scale of forgiveness where nothing is easy - for me to forgive a ONS than a soul-baring EA for my own reasons...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Snowflower]

I would have preferred neither type of affair. But since that ship has sailed, I think it depends on the person as to which type is worse.

 

The whole affair was disgusting. The physical part did bother me for awhile but I was never one of those people who got all worked up about their spouse's previous sex life before we met. I have several friends who hated the thought of their husband's previous girlfriends. I never was jealous of that.

 

I think what I hated the most was the awful way he treated me during his affair. It was just like a switch went off within him one day and he became cold, distant and had a distinct lack of empathy. It was all about him and how he felt.

 

Now, I never asked him if he was having an affair because I trusted him and I was naive. So, he never really lied to me all that much and the lies are not the hardest part for me. No, it was the awful way he treated me. I think he had to justify his reprehensible actions to himself so if he could treat me like dirt and get me to react, he could justify his choices to himself.

[BetrayedH]

I'm with Snow; I prefer none of it had ever happened. My lovely exwife downloaded the full version and got all the upgrades. I think I would have preferred to have my eyeballs removed slowly with dull razors.

 

I think most of us would have preferred anything but what happened to us so it seems likely that we'd think we would have been better off if it had been anything other than what it was.

 

Speaking as a man, I can say that the physical part of it definitely was more impactful than the emotional piece. I was plagued by mind movies and triggered constantly by all of the area hotels (they'd been to most of them). My wife even reminded me once, "You know my affair was emotional, too." She always knew what to say. For some reason, the emotional piece never really got to me. Of course, she quickly chose me and ended the affair right on Dday so perhaps I just saw it as a fog that we could clear away.

 

But I do remember once listening to Owl discuss how difficult it was for him to defeat his wife's fantasy image of her long-distance EA OM. As a husband, how the hell do you compete with a fantasy made up in your wife's head. How can you ever compare with that? Makes me very sympathetic with BSs battling an EA.

 

Seems like all of us would like to have escaped our personal hell but I doubt many of the other options would have been much better.

Edited December 19, 2012 by BetrayedH

[nofool4u]

Another thread is about whether a ONS or a long term affair is worse. Does the length of time make it any worse?

 

So I ask a couple of questions:

 

Which is worse....a physical connection outside of the marriage or an emotional connection outside of the marriage?

 

Doesn't matter to me. A cheater is a cheater and I won't stay with one.

[BetrayedH]

That's just the thing. The BS shouldn't even try to "compete" with either a fantasy or the actual affair partner.

 

A marriage is supposed to be a co-operative relationship not an adversarial or competitive one.

 

By the time the BS finds out about the affair s/he has already been thrown under the bus. So the issue for the BS is not to "compete" but whether or not it's worth taking a chance that the WS is redeemable.

 

Hmm. I'm not sure we disagree here but I should also be careful not to put words into Owl's mouth. Whether or not he "competed" for his wife is a matter of semantics in a situation not my own and it's perfectly possible that his wife did the bulk of the heavy lifting.

 

My point was simply that while some of us might think that we wish it was "just an EA," those that have been in those situations find little comfort in such a characterization. For them, it was "just" as bad.

[Spark1111]

Hmm. I'm not sure we disagree here but I should also be careful not to put words into Owl's mouth. Whether or not he "competed" for his wife is a matter of semantics in a situation not my own and it's perfectly possible that his wife did the bulk of the heavy lifting.

 

My point was simply that while some of us might think that we wish it was "just an EA," those that have been in those situations find little comfort in such a characterization. For them, it was "just" as bad.

 

Look at General Petraeus. he couldn't conceive his xAP, the adoring, brilliant biographer would ever be the type of woman to stalk and threaten a younger, and attractive female liaison. Stunned he was!

 

It is hard to fight a perfect fantasy while in complete delusion.

 

My H thought his xOW would never stalk me; lie about me; claim I was vicious. He couldn't imagine he had not been her first affair with a MM!

 

Just shocking!

[18Years2Late]

Since in the cheater...and never been cheated on...if I had to pick one my "female" perspective is I'd would rather the ONS with no emotional connection or love involved...

 

From a male perspective (my BH)...he said "I would have rather known that you f**ked 7 different men u met at a bar on 7 different occasions then for u to have had an a for 3 yrs with the same person who you obviously must love"...

 

So in my world it looks like the male vs. female perspective is exactly the same...maybe that's not the norm...

[JamesM]

I think that, rather than being gender specific, the answer is tied to the strengths and weaknesses found in our own relationships. Your answer comes from the challenges you've faced maintaining an satisfying sexual connection with your wife so to see her "give" that to another man would be especially painful. My wife and I have a reasonably active (for our age ) sex life but struggle at times with the emotional connection. It would be much easier - within a scale of forgiveness where nothing is easy - for me to forgive a ONS than a soul-baring EA for my own reasons...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

You may be right. The fact that sex is (or rather was at this point) weak in our relationship may be why I think it would be the hardest to take. If I think that my wife found someone who was her confidant and closest advisor, then I do get a bit jealous. But it is still more difficult to imagine her naked under another man, etc.

 

And if I knew who the man was, then it would be even more difficult. (That will be a new thread.)

 

 

I think what I hated the most was the awful way he treated me during his affair. It was just like a switch went off within him one day and he became cold, distant and had a distinct lack of empathy. It was all about him and how he felt.

 

Now, I never asked him if he was having an affair because I trusted him and I was naive. So, he never really lied to me all that much and the lies are not the hardest part for me. No, it was the awful way he treated me. I think he had to justify his reprehensible actions to himself so if he could treat me like dirt and get me to react, he could justify his choices to himself.

 

That would be difficult to take. I wonder if most or many WSs have a personality change?

 

Doesn't matter to me. A cheater is a cheater and I won't stay with one.

 

I understand that. Personally, I probably would try to reconcile depending on the situation, but that is because of the children. I guess I wondered if it was harder to imagine her with a man sexually or with a man emotionally.

 

Is it easier to reconcile the marriage if a sexual relationship happened or if one did not happen?