2sunny Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 (edited) My exH was distant and preoccupied. Many of the other posters here describe what he was like. But we still had amazing sex every day. And he was "overcompensating" in some areas. Sudden gifts and things out of the blue tip off most spouses. Also, mood swings - high or low- without obvious reasons why are a red flag...usually triggered by the emotional roller coaster from the OW/OM and what is going on with them. When a third party enters theM - the dynamics change everything - and there are ALWAYS clues overlooked when you have a chance to look back. I never asked - I didn't need details - I had enough my self respect and wasn't going to hand it to him. 8 years later he's a sad and sorry sap - still pining for me and says he will always be in love with me. I don't care - he disrespected me on a high level and I deserve so much more than that! His actions didn't SHOW loving BEHAVIOR when he DECIDED to cheat! 23 years gone = poof = because of his selfish decision! Better watch out shame - because you aren't willing to be honest with her - she may also have a boundary she won't compromise on- IF my exH had come to me with his HONESTY - it could have been something to work on. It was his dishonesty and sneakiness that I couldn't overlook. Think about that. You don't have a M if you're not honest. The M can't be rebuilt without trust - but the foundation of that is honesty and respect - none of your actions have shown that. Except that you ended the A - for that I'm glad you did. This is only the start of you repairing the damage you've caused. Edited December 20, 2012 by 2sunny 8
Charlie Harper Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 In my case I am super sensitive, and trained as a Psychologist, my W had an A and entered Therapy for a year because of it.... she confessed 8 years later... never suspected a darn thing EVER. nothing !!! then again she is so good at compartmentalize everything.... sad but true. 4
seren Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 And when she finds out (whether by a planned or unplanned Dday), she WILL remember the changes in behavior/attitude . . . no matter how subtle you THINK you're being. That will make it a thousand times worse for her when she finds out and things start to come together and make sense. Shame, Alice has nailed it in a few words and is right that it will be a thousand times worse and makes sense. I know that what a lot of us BS have said may not be what you want to hear, but we have walked many miles in your wife's shoes and know what we are saying. I can understand your want to just get on with rebuilding bridges with your wife, but until you have addressed the A, it will be built on shaky foundations. I was hurt like nothing else when H told me about his A, but we are here 5 years later and our marriage and relationship is as good as it gets. Hindsight gave clarity to the changed behaviour of my H, all the times he had been acting odd, finding out he hadn't been brain swept by aliens and had been replaced by someone else was a relief and a blow. Finding out I hadn't been imagining things, wasn't going out of my mind was a relief and while I hated the A with all I had, I still loved him. I suspect you have a hard road to tread, but it is one you will do sooner rather than later, I hope you take advice given in the spirit it is intended. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 Before dday one, no. Except for the fact that he just wasn't interested in sex. I felt pretty duped into marrying someone with a low libido. I got so angry during an argument about it that I broke a bowl. After D DAY one. OMG..... he turned into a total monster/psycho. I would think we were okay for a bit and then he would just come out with this crazy crap or crazy behaviours. Finally one night he's just like "I can't be happy and monogamous." So it kindof rolled downhill for awhile. :sick::sick: Way too much for a 24 year old that is 8 months pregnant to handle.:(:( 2
SidLyon Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 (edited) I feel I didn't change at all but I have read many bs say they knew something was up but just couldnt grasp what it was. Looking back what were these changes ? If anything I was overly-nice to my wife I sent her flowers out of the blue, would tell her to go out with friends more often and i would look after kids, phoned her more often from work, made more of an effort around the home. I know this was out of guilt and nothing more. This was more so at the beginning of my affair. My H wasn't "there" a lot of the time. He was always quite distant and aloof so it was only a small progression really, and not enough for me to realize an affair. I have however noticed a significant change since d-day, as it was obviously a wake-up call for him. 4 years later he's still awake! It's great to have him back. Phew I'm still here. Edited December 20, 2012 by SidLyon 1
dreamingoftigers Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 And he's a sexual addict, right? That's my experience too, that some sexual addicts have such a twisted view on sex that within the marriage they appear to have a low libido. That's right, 90% of them (roughly) will avoid marital sex. They just want the outside stuff. So prior to marriage, I thought "wow! Awesome! This will totally work for me!":sick:
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