Did you notice changes in cheating spouse throughout their affair ?

[shame_on_me]

I feel I didn't change at all but I have read many bs say they knew something was up but just couldnt grasp what it was. Looking back what were these changes ?

 

If anything I was overly-nice to my wife I sent her flowers out of the blue, would tell her to go out with friends more often and i would look after kids, phoned her more often from work, made more of an effort around the home. I know this was out of guilt and nothing more. This was more so at the beginning of my affair.

[shame_on_me]

So you want us to tell you what we saw so that you can change it to make sure your wife does not find out? You want us to be complicit in your lying to your wife?

 

No Bent it's just a question it does not affect me one way or the other, I did what I did and that's all there is to it. If she noticed any drastic changes you can be assured my wife would say so, she's that type of woman.

[Spark1111]

Hmmm...not so much in the beginning of his affair because I think it was recreational and mutually not too many strings attached.

 

But as she and then he grew more emotionally invested, he grew very distant. Here, but not here. With me, but not really caring if I was there or not.

 

Going through the motions with me and our children, but emotionallY?

 

A million miles away.

 

Also, touched me less; held my hand less, stopped hugging me, less sgins of natural affection.

 

Pre-occupied, moodier.

 

Towards the end, when she was pressuring him to choose and going to great lengths to convince him I too must have a bf, mean almost. Very critical. Nit-picky, cruel almost.

[waterwoman]

He was distant, irritable and uninterested. In me and the children. In fact he was toxic. Problem now is whenever he gets a little bit testy due to a bad day at work I get scared and insecure.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I feel I didn't change at all but I have read many bs say they knew something was up but just couldnt grasp what it was. Looking back what were these changes ?

 

If anything I was overly-nice to my wife I sent her flowers out of the blue, would tell her to go out with friends more often and i would look after kids, phoned her more often from work, made more of an effort around the home. I know this was out of guilt and nothing more. This was more so at the beginning of my affair.

 

My wife was distant, cold, and gave me the PMS vibe during her affair.

[beenburned]

My H was the type that did a complete personality change during the time period that he was cheating on me!(for the worse)

 

Before this he was a loving devoted family man and spouse.

 

After he started cheating he was constantly getting angry over small unimportant stuff (both with me and our 2 young children), then storm out of the house. He also stopped doing any type of family recreation/outings with us.(and much more)

 

Me and the kids could not figure out why he was so different than before. When I repeatedly ask him what was wrong, I was always told nothing. Me and the kids suffered much emotional abuse from him during this time period.(without knowing why)

 

All of his 3 OW were young single women.(FBs only) I think he resented our family as it represented lots of adult responsibility. Whereas the OW reminded him of his carefree single years, which I think he missed.(as we married young)

 

When d-day occurred(and I found out the truth behind his behavior changes), I left with the kids to stay with my parents, as I wanted a divorce from him.

 

After about a month or more, he realized just what all he was going to lose. Plus his co-workers/friends who were also cheating, all of their wives immediately divorced them.(none of them had children)

 

He then begged, cried, and pleaded with me to give him another chance to prove himself. Eventually I gave in, as I was a SAHM who knew she needed to get a job in order to divorce.

 

I got a job and went to college at night, so I wouldn't ever be dependent on him again. But in our case, he was true to his word/promises and in all his actions.

 

We are now in a very long term marriage with grown kids and grandkids. He still to this day thanks me for giving him that chance!

[Spark1111]

He was distant, irritable and uninterested. In me and the children. In fact he was toxic. Problem now is whenever he gets a little bit testy due to a bad day at work I get scared and insecure.

 

then you TELL him in unequivocal terms his mood is triggering you and to knock it off or leave the room and let him know your fears. I get scared and insecure when you are A, B, C.

[GLDheart]

Less interested in doing things with me. I mistakenly attributed it to her wanting to just stay home and not dragging the baby around. I also, noticed her drinking seemed to increase and she just liked to stay home and get drunk. I chalked that up to her alcoholism.

 

She threw me off the scent by making sure I had regular sex. I know she "physcally" still enjoyed the sex... I'm one of those guys that is on a "mission of mutual enjoyment" if you get my meaning. But, looking back she was a bit less connected and emotionally distant.

 

In hindsight, there were quite a few warning signs... but as a loving, trusting, naive, fool, I just attributed these differences in behavior to other causes.

[Realist3]

I tried my best to hide my happiness in the beginning of the A, but I couldn't. My wife noticed but didn't attribute it to an A, until d-day. "That's why you have been so happy."

 

On the reverse side my worst episode happened during a trip. I planned a trip to NYC for my wife's birthday and we were also spending Christmas there with the kids. It should have been a truly magical experience. The night before we left the MOW and I made love for the first time. I was distant and distracted the whole trip. It didn't help that she was constantly texting me, as soon as I got off the plane, and late into the night, twice 'til 4:00 am. I was a zombie the whole time, didn't want to be there and I felt guilty about my indifference because it was a great trip. My W did inquire, but I just said I wasn't feeling all that well.

 

You read a lot of about cues people give off while they are in and A, but they are all over the place so I would suspect it could be difficult to assess from a BS's point of view.

[Yasuandio]

Distant, mean, hostile, withdrew sex for two years straight (the years before that - I had to practically beg, a few times a year if that). I began to have panic attacts, and one ended me up in an ambulance to hospital (he wouldn't even stay in the same room with me, nor when the EMS arrived). He did not even ride to the hospital to meet the ambulance. He didn't even come see or call about me until late the next day. It is like he went out of his way to "hold back" and demonstrate that he was not going to show any caring feeling. As it turned out, my condition went way beyond a panic attack, and I was hospitalized in the cardiac unit for a week, and had to undergo some frightening procedures. But when he learned I was in caridac unit, he did get a little warmer - but not much. When they brought me out of the procedure (where they shove something up your inner leg to look around in your heart) - and the doctor called for family - he was not to be found. It turned out that my blood pressure was totally out of control, as well as my anxiety - that is the worst of it. And I have to be on a high dose of BP meds the rest of my life. That's all.

 

He also abandoned me in a foreign country while on "vacation" (twice, in 2006 and 2008).

 

This hatefullness went on for so long, years, that this situation it became sort of a way of life for me - expected, I just thought it was the way it was, after 23 years of marriage. Didn't know any better. Denial. I suspected, obviously, that he was getting sex somewhere, I got obsessed with GPSing the car - but never found anything.

 

The second vacation/abandonment in Greece, was an extremely dangerous situation he left me in. Just out of the blue, he started screaming at me like a maniac, the most painful things that stabbed my heart and left me pararlized. He pulled over the car - and continued, everything he was displeased and angry about since the beginning of the marriage, my character, my appearance, my failures, he seemed to have held his true impressions inward for years- and chose this particular moment to inform me in the most crewl method possible. I was just stunned. He then just took the retal car and left me without my medications (depression, anxiety, insomnia meds), and eyeglasses, in a small village on the seaside at nightfall, with only $400 US. I did not know the language, and in this little village there were no banks or hotels. A was able to get my phone to eventually work, and a girlfriend helped to locate a hotel on the internet where I was taken. I stayed ther camped out for a week, and withdrew from my meds - curled up in a fetal position. Once I recovered, got funds from credit cards, I decided NOT TO COME HOME.

 

I only returned after 3 months, when I saw he was taking my name of the bank accounts and business. I did recover "myself" over there, and met a companion that helped inspire me to feel like a woman again.

 

When I returned, my husband wanted me again, for a few times, - strangely. But soon after, he requested divorce - as he knew of the companion that had cared for me while I remained overseas.

 

We separated and I filed for divorce that took four years to complete (just recently), due to his noncooperation in providing documents, refusal to settle, and stalling. Yet - there was no doubt he wanted the divorce.

 

It was such a confonding situation for me - as when he wanted me back, four years ago, for those few encounters - it made me want my marriage back - and gave me hope at hat time and during the four years of separation. Even with the recent completion of the divorce, I still have obseesissions with this, but have moved to more of an acceptance position - although I fall into grieving and anger once in ahwile (we spent most of our adult lives together). Obviously, this is a problem in my psyche - that I am working twice a week in therapy to cope with. (My previous theripist wasn't any help in the early years of the separation - but I feel like I'm making some progess now).

 

So, my point is that his behaviors were so hateful - and demeaning during his affair(s) - that he actually created the opportunity for me to fall into the arms of another, something that had never actually occured to me, I was so busy making a nice house, and life for him (giving too much - and receiving contempt in return). I was vulnerable - and ill, but that is no excuse. I consciously made the choice because it felt human and it felt good. I wish I had a time machine to erase what I did, really.

 

My doctor tells me, that the bi-polar 2 that I now struggle with (since returning from the trip), was brought on from the shock of that particular abandonment. I am often scared to face my future alone with this illness. I believe that is the problem.

 

And yes, I did eventually see him with the woman post separation - and I had seen this woman before somewhere. And yes, it did finially occur to me - that I had seen another woman actually approach us at Starbucks - she pretended to not know him, but then sat down, with her children, and began a convo with up - where it became obvious that she indeed knew him from visiting the restarant we had purchased. She had all sorts of questions and suggestions to improve the place. She even gave me some marital tips - like candlelight dinners to brigten things up a bit. DUH. (Even a friend had warded me that sometimes the OW will search out the BS to have a look at her out of curiousity - I just didn't take that advice seriously at the time - but it is clear to me now). Why didn't I see it??? And that whole day he was so piss't off at me, and I was nothing but very nice and accomodating.

 

Well, I see it now. I feel just like a pathetic idiot - even after all these years. Yas

Edited December 19, 2012 by Yasuandio

[shame_on_me]

Distant, mean, hostile, withdrew sex for two years straight (the years before that - I had to practically beg, a few times a year if that). I began to have panic attacts, and one ended me up in an ambulance to hospital (he wouldn't even stay in the same room with me, nor when the EMS arrived). He did not even ride to the hospital to meet the ambulance. He didn't even come see or call about me until late the next day. It is like he went out of his way to "hold back" and demonstrate that he was not going to show any caring feeling. As it turned out, my condition went way beyond a panic attack, and I was hospitalized in the cardiac unit for a week, and had to undergo some frightening procedures. But when he learned I was in caridac unit, he did get a little warmer - but not much. When they brought me out of the procedure (where they shove something up your inner leg to look around in your heart) - and the doctor called for family - he was not to be found. It turned out that my blood pressure was totally out of control, as well as my anxiety - that is the worst of it. And I have to be on a high dose of BP meds the rest of my life. That's all.

 

He also abandoned me in a foreign country while on "vacation" (twice, in 2006 and 2008).

 

This hatefullness went on for so long, years, that this situation it became sort of a way of life for me - expected, I just thought it was the way it was, after 23 years of marriage. Didn't know any better. Denial. I suspected, obviously, that he was getting sex somewhere, I got obsessed with GPSing the car - but never found anything.

 

The second vacation/abandonment in Greece, was an extremely dangerous situation he left me in. Just out of the blue, he started screaming at me like a maniac, the most painful things that stabbed my heart and left me pararlized. He pulled over the car - and continued, everything he was displeased and angry about since the beginning of the marriage, my character, my appearance, my failures, he seemed to have held his true impressions inward for years- and chose this particular moment to inform me in the most crewl method possible. I was just stunned. He then just took the retal car and left me without my medications (depression, anxiety, insomnia meds), and eyeglasses, in a small village on the seaside at nightfall, with only $400 US. I did not know the language, and in this little village there were no banks or hotels. A was able to get my phone to eventually work, and a girlfriend helped to locate a hotel on the internet where I was taken. I stayed ther camped out for a week, and withdrew from my meds - curled up in a fetal position. Once I recovered, got funds from credit cards, I decided NOT TO COME HOME.

 

I only returned after 3 months, when I saw he was taking my name of the bank accounts and business. I did recover "myself" over there, and met a companion that helped inspire me to feel like a woman again.

 

When I returned, my husband wanted me again, for a few times, - strangely. But soon after, he requested divorce - as he knew of the companion that had cared for me while I remained overseas.

 

We separated and I filed for divorce that took four years to complete (just recently), due to his noncooperation in providing documents, refusal to settle, and stalling. Yet - there was no doubt he wanted the divorce.

 

It was such a confonding situation for me - as when he wanted me back, four years ago, for those few encounters - it made me want my marriage back - and gave me hope at hat time and during the four years of separation. Even with the recent completion of the divorce, I still have obseesissions with this, but have moved to more of an acceptance position - although I fall into grieving and anger once in ahwile (we spent most of our adult lives together). Obviously, this is a problem in my psyche - that I am working twice a week in therapy to cope with. (My previous theripist wasn't any help in the early years of the separation - but I feel like I'm making some progess now).

 

So, my point is that his behaviors were so hateful - and demeaning during his affair(s) - that he actually created the opportunity for me to fall into the arms of another, something that had never actually occured to me, I was so busy making a nice house, and life for him (giving too much - and receiving contempt in return). I was vulnerable - and ill, but that is no excuse. I consciously made the choice because it felt human and it felt good. I wish I had a time machine to erase what I did, really.

 

My doctor tells me, that the bi-polar 2 that I now struggle with (since returning from the trip), was brought on from the shock of that particular abandonment. I am often scared to face my future alone with this illness. I believe that is the problem.

 

And yes, I did eventually see him with the woman post separation - and I had seen this woman before somewhere. And yes, it did finially occur to me - that I had seen another woman actually approach us at Starbucks - she pretended to not know him, but then sat down, with her children, and began a convo with up - where it became obvious that she indeed knew him from visiting the restarant we had purchased. She had all sorts of questions and suggestions to improve the place. She even gave me some marital tips - like candlelight dinners to brigten things up a bit. DUH. (Even a friend had warded me that sometimes the OW will search out the BS to have a look at her out of curiousity - I just didn't take that advice seriously at the time - but it is clear to me now). Why didn't I see it??? And that whole day he was so piss't off at me, and I was nothing but very nice and accomodating.

 

Well, I see it now. I feel just like a pathetic idiot - even after all these years. Yas

 

 

I am truly sorry you had to go through this what a horrible man, I know I am no better regards to cheating but I would NEVER treat my wife like this. I am glad you are finally divorced from that man (he isn't a man in my mind). I truly hope you fully recover and live a happy life with someone who will treat you kindly like you deserve.

[whichwayisup]

I feel I didn't change at all but I have read many bs say they knew something was up but just couldnt grasp what it was. Looking back what were these changes ?

 

If anything I was overly-nice to my wife I sent her flowers out of the blue, would tell her to go out with friends more often and i would look after kids, phoned her more often from work, made more of an effort around the home. I know this was out of guilt and nothing more. This was more so at the beginning of my affair.

 

Your wife knows you. Inside and out as you two have been married for a long time. You may feel you haven't changed, nor your behaviour didn't change during your affair, chances are your wife has noticed subconsciously.

[Janesays]

Well, he bought a tread mill and lost a ton of weight. Started dressing nicer. Got up early for work to spend time grooming himself.

 

With me, he just got really moody and overly critical. If I were watching a tv show (That HE introduced me too), he would make jabs at me for sitting in front of the tv. If I went to bed early, it was because I was old and lazy. If I worked overtime, it was because I was unemotional and complacent. If I did something nice for him, it was a poor attempt. Nothing I did or said was right. I went from being 'the cool wife' to a useless piece of crap in the span of 3 months.

 

I remember one night we were sleeping and he pulled the blankets off of me and rolled over so I couldn't get any back. I gently tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey love, can you roll over so I can cover up?" He responded by, no joke, SCREAMING, "F YOU YOU WORTHLESS B!" and stormed out of the room to sleep on the couch.

 

I seriously thought one or both of us was going insane.

[eleanorrigby]

Well, he bought a tread mill and lost a ton of weight. Started dressing nicer. Got up early for work to spend time grooming himself.

 

With me, he just got really moody and overly critical. If I were watching a tv show (That HE introduced me too), he would make jabs at me for sitting in front of the tv. If I went to bed early, it was because I was old and lazy. If I worked overtime, it was because I was unemotional and complacent. If I did something nice for him, it was a poor attempt. Nothing I did or said was right. I went from being 'the cool wife' to a useless piece of crap in the span of 3 months.

 

I remember one night we were sleeping and he pulled the blankets off of me and rolled over so I couldn't get any back. I gently tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey love, can you roll over so I can cover up?" He responded by, no joke, SCREAMING, "F YOU YOU WORTHLESS B!" and stormed out of the room to sleep on the couch.

 

I seriously thought one or both of us was going insane.

 

He had already been having a knock down, drag out, argument with you in his head when you poked him on the shoulder! lol

[Decorative]

During the first part of his affair? Until the OW's parents told me about the affair? Not really so many changes or anything I could truly point to. We had a happy marriage. Sex was always good and frequent. We have busy lives.

 

He was quieter at times than normal ( I found out later that would be times when they broke up), but nothing that would truly pop out of the expected storyline.

 

However? Once I was aware of the affair? And it was supposedly over and we were working on reconciliation? But then it was underground? Then? Oh. Yes.

 

He would pick fights that I couldn't follow the plot on- could not figure out why he was mad at me.

 

He would tell me I was boring for doing the same things we were doing at night- alone in the house when the kids were in bed. It was like he wanted me to go out and party or something- except if I offered to get a sitter he would panic.

 

He started buying lottery tickets and getting gas/ always at night.

 

He would tell me he told me something- and he had not- then get angry at me for not recalling it.

 

For the first time in our marriage- he would pick a fight and leave the house.

 

I thought I was going slowly insane. I was beig told the sky was polka dot purple- when I could see it was blue. And if I didn't agree it was polka dots- he would make me feel crazy .

 

But then other times he would be so sweet and kind and loving and devoted- I would think... No way is anything really wrong.

 

It was a crazy time. But then the day came when I found out they were underground. And I finally listened to my gut. Which had been screaming.

 

And then- I was able to take my life back.

[96nole]

She started drinking a lot more

 

Started working later

 

She complained more about work and, well, just about anything.

 

Shut down sex- either would fall asleep very shortly after getting home from work or come home saying she didn't feel good or ate too much salad and was bloated...etc

 

right before Dday 2, I had a real bad cold, possibly the flu, so she had to do a bit more around the house. She complained about it. Years earlier she would not have had a problem with it.

 

She wanted to just jump on a plane and go somewhere. Yet she wouldn't ask for any days off from work.

 

Started complaining that her wedding ring wasn't big enough. The carat size of the diamond, not the ring size.

 

Things she would normally laugh at, she would laugh at anymore.

 

Just overall was not as pleasant person to be around.

[JamesM]

Your wife knows you. Inside and out as you two have been married for a long time. You may feel you haven't changed, nor your behaviour didn't change during your affair, chances are your wife has noticed subconsciously.

 

This.

 

Trust me....my wife can tell when my mood changes. I have no doubt that your wife noticed that something has been different. You may have been preoccupied thinking about the wonderful sex you just had. Your clothes or skin may have smelled differently. You may be looking at her with a more critical and cynical gaze. Who knows?

 

But I would guess that your wife noticed a change in you. And now she will notice another change as you attempt to be her husband again.

 

The question is...has she or will she associate it with another woman?

[Snowflower]

Well, he bought a tread mill and lost a ton of weight. Started dressing nicer. Got up early for work to spend time grooming himself.

 

With me, he just got really moody and overly critical. If I were watching a tv show (That HE introduced me too), he would make jabs at me for sitting in front of the tv. If I went to bed early, it was because I was old and lazy. If I worked overtime, it was because I was unemotional and complacent. If I did something nice for him, it was a poor attempt. Nothing I did or said was right. I went from being 'the cool wife' to a useless piece of crap in the span of 3 months.

 

I remember one night we were sleeping and he pulled the blankets off of me and rolled over so I couldn't get any back. I gently tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey love, can you roll over so I can cover up?" He responded by, no joke, SCREAMING, "F YOU YOU WORTHLESS B!" and stormed out of the room to sleep on the couch.

 

I seriously thought one or both of us was going insane.

 

This is horrible. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. I went through something similar, just not quite as cruel perhaps.

 

But was it you who go the last laugh when the OW dumped him right after his divorce was finalized?

[Radagast]

I changed a great deal during the affair. My kids remarked on it, my family asked about it, my colleagues noticed it. I was happier, more engaged, spent more time with my kids and was more interested in their lives, contributed more socially at work, didn't just stay in my office minding my own business. I spent more time with my family, got to know them again after losing touch during my marriage. I lost weight, started to dress differently, to eat differently and to cook different meals, I drank less and I socialised more.

 

If my ex-wife did notice any of it, she didn't mention it, either at the time or during the divorce.

[96nole]

It sounds like in many cases the objectively-observable symptoms of someone being in an affair are remarkably similar to a person who is suffering from depression.

 

Interesting.

 

I wonder if there is a connection?

 

I can see it that way. Obviously not in all cases, but if someone is in a long term relationship and depressed for what ever reason(s), the external validation or attention they are getting from someone else will make them feel better about themselves. Most likely it won't solve the root cause of the depression, but for a time it will make them feel better, energized, excited, etc.

 

The AP is their escape from whatever is making them depressed. Or the AP is being extra attentive, generous, giving, loving, etc (like most relationships start out) and it is making the WS forget about the depression for a while.

 

When they are away from their AP, they start to feel depressed again. So, they want to see the AP more and more. Much like a drug will make you feel good for a period of time. The WS is looking for their next high. Only in this case their drug of choice is the AP.

[Janesays]

This is horrible. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. I went through something similar, just not quite as cruel perhaps.

 

But was it you who go the last laugh when the OW dumped him right after his divorce was finalized?

 

Oh yes! And I am now engaged to a wonderful man! I look back on all that nonsense now and I just have to laugh. He was so over the top, it was borderline comical.

[carhill]

He was distant, irritable and uninterested. In me and the children. In fact he was toxic. Problem now is whenever he gets a little bit testy due to a bad day at work I get scared and insecure.

Something which struck me as odd, reading this, was that it described my exW almost to a T a couple of years into caregiving. I had always wrote it off to distancing herself from the mental illness I was caregiving for, but subsequent events, and her behaviors, had me re-evaluating that original perception. Interesting. I also noticed some changes during that period in her 'smell', meaning sexual smell, and she had a preoccupation with some aspects of sexual hygiene which hadn't presented prior. Hmm..... anyway, water long under the bridge but good information for the future. Thanks.

[Decorative]

It sounds like in many cases the objectively-observable symptoms of someone being in an affair are remarkably similar to a person who is suffering from depression.

 

Interesting.

 

I wonder if there is a connection?

 

In some cases- I feel the affair is used as a balm for depression. A self medication, if you will.

[Decorative]

I can see it that way. Obviously not in all cases, but if someone is in a long term relationship and depressed for what ever reason(s), the external validation or attention they are getting from someone else will make them feel better about themselves. Most likely it won't solve the root cause of the depression, but for a time it will make them feel better, energized, excited, etc.

 

The AP is their escape from whatever is making them depressed. Or the AP is being extra attentive, generous, giving, loving, etc (like most relationships start out) and it is making the WS forget about the depression for a while.

 

When they are away from their AP, they start to feel depressed again. So, they want to see the AP more and more. Much like a drug will make you feel good for a period of time. The WS is looking for their next high. Only in this case their drug of choice is the AP.

 

Or I could have just agreed with this. LOL

[18Years2Late]

As the cheater, like you are, in the beginning of the A I made darn sure to do nothing differently...no more no less...ur in "don't get caught mode"...then as u become more emotionally invested in ur AP and it becomes a LTA, as urs was, u become more comfortable with ur ability to "hide it", plus start comparing ur spouse to the AP, as u have, u start resenting ur S simply bc she isnt the AP...and it starts to become much more difficult to maintain the status quo at home...then guilt sets in and u get irritated that u have to juggle 2 lives...starting to sound familiar?...then the guilt and irritation becomes more difficult to hide...SO...u try to end the A even tho u don't want to and ur physically and emotionally addicted to a person u can't be with = withdrawal = more resentment to S = more irritable = ur definitely acting differently...

 

Still think ur W hasn't noticed yet?...come back to reality now...she's also noticed that strangely ur suddenly pouring yourself all over her now for some reason...