How to get her back, in time.

[krafty85]

My relationship of 8 years just ended out of the blue. My ex is giving me the friend card, even going as far as saying lets meet for lunch some days... Obviously I can't do this. I want to get back together with her, I'm not ready to throw away 8 years of my life. So here's my dilemma, should I contact her and tell her look I can't be your friend and pretend that I don't love you. Or do I wait for her to contact me to talk or hang out and then say it? I just don't want her thinking "oh things will be good, we will stay friends, and I can do what I want, he will always be there"... What's the best way to tell her this anyway? I'd like to hear form those that have gone through this, I want her to realize that she's either with me or doesn't get me at all... At least for quite some time, because I can't lie to myself and hang out with her predenting I don't love her.

 

I just feel like I screwed up when two days ago. We finally talked, and let it all out. Cried for a while like a baby... at the end she's like oh maybe I'll see you sometime this week. I didn't say anything. Later that day she texts me with how's she's feeling.. I caved in, I feel like an idiot. I should have just not answered... What I'm afraid of is that now she thinks we are friends, so that's why I wanted to know if I should just send her an email.. Telling her look I'm sorry but I just can't be your friend right now.. then go no contact... because right now she's probably feeling good that we are friends. Or do I wait until she contacts me again to see how I'm doing or whatever, and then give her the no friend reply.

 

I don't want to push her away either, but everyone around her tells me how confused she seems...but won't talk to anyon, I know that eventually she will realize her mistake.

Edited December 19, 2012 by krafty85

[th90]

Well what I did was sending my ex a message to explain to him we can't be friends and wished him the best. Now I regret doing it because going NC would have been the best.

 

If you're sure your ex just wants to be friends, I'd suggest go NC. If you have to or it bothers you or she keeps texting you, then tell her politely that you can't be friends and ask for her understanding. DO NOT meet up.

 

I'm at 6th week NC and it's been helping me cope with myself.

[movingon12]

Email her, tell her what you told us: it's all or nothing (tbh she broke up with you, so she'll choose nothing), ask her not to contact you again unless she wants to reconcile, say goodbye and then go no contact.

 

Do NOT go and meet her. You'll be miserable.

[movingon12]

Well what I did was sending my ex a message to explain to him we can't be friends and wished him the best. Now I regret doing it because going NC would have been the best.

 

If you're sure your ex just wants to be friends, I'd suggest go NC. If you have to or it bothers you or she keeps texting you, then tell her politely that you can't be friends and ask for her understanding. DO NOT meet up.

 

I'm at 6th week NC and it's been helping me cope with myself.

 

Why do you regret doing it?

[th90]

Why do you regret doing it?

 

I guess I realized weeks later that silence is golden. lol

[LondonRed]

So my ex now wants to be just friends after ignoring me for weeks but she might just be doing that as she feels sorry for me.... the best thing to do reading this is to just go NC and wait for her to contact me - if or when she does to just say "we can't be just friends please let me get over this in my own time"....

[movingon12]

I guess I realized weeks later that silence is golden. lol

 

fair enough.

[cavalier99]

Ok here is the deal. Im also coming out of a 8 year relationship. Im like 10 weeks NC.

 

Right now your are in disbelief mode and this is normal. Total insanity ...so you should listen to us because we have all been there and made all the typical mistakes.

 

1st of all it is OVER. It is super hard to accept. But if you do you will heal faster. The only way right now to heal is to go NC and kill all hope.

 

I was exactly where you were. I also talked with her after break up and it produced pain. She isn't hurting much.. you are. You NEED to worry about you. All we have is are self respect right now. And this is what we need to recover to start moving on. When you see her or email her you lose your self respect.

 

I REALLY regret being nice to her and emailing her some nice things after breakup. After some nice email. I sent some others saying NEVER contact me again for any reason. I regret these also but less than being nice. I wish i had walked away with my head held up high.

 

You got dumped. Give her what she wants.

 

You can either:

 

1) immediately go NC

2) send a email it should say this.

 

"We cant be friends. I need to recover so we wont be communicating again. Please respect my wishes and do not contact me under any circumstances. I wont respond. Thanks for understanding. Good bye."

 

This is the last time you should EVER contact her. Then block her on EVERYTHING.

 

DO NOT EMAIL HER NICE AND LOVING THING ABOUT HOW YOU UNDERSTAND.

 

She knows this and knows you love her. ONLY email what i wrote above. If you cant just go NC.

 

THIS IS ABOUT YOU AND YOUR RECOVERY NOT HELPING HER MOVE ON AT YOUR EXPENSE. And alleviating her guilt.

 

If you don't do this you are in for a world of hurt and more pain. I know this sucks but it needs to be done.

 

In retrospect i don't regret sending the email. It helped me sever ties and start to move on. It was like burning a bridge to her.

 

Sorry this is so tough. It gets a lot better with NC but the first weeks were complete hell.

[movingon12]

What I'll say about being nice (not clingy and obsessed, but just being friendly) is this:

 

When I got divorced, I read a lot of books to understand what had gone wrong. One thing really stood out: it was a quote from a man who had cheated on his wife and the marriage had ended.

 

He said that he felt terrible about what he had done, he had loved his wife and couldn't believe he had hurt her so badly but.... during the divorce, his wife turned into a crazy: verbal abuse, destroying his things etc etc. The guy said the only thing that made the break up bearable was the fact his wife was being such a b!tch. He felt guilty for what he'd done, but the fact that his wife was being so awful made him glad they were breaking up. He said if his wife had been kind to him when they were divorcing, the guilt of what he had done and how he had hurt her, would have just destroyed him.

[th90]

What I'll say about being nice (not clingy and obsessed, but just being friendly) is this:

 

When I got divorced, I read a lot of books to understand what had gone wrong. One thing really stood out: it was a quote from a man who had cheated on his wife and the marriage had ended.

 

He said that he felt terrible about what he had done, he had loved his wife and couldn't believe he had hurt her so badly but.... during the divorce, his wife turned into a crazy: verbal abuse, destroying his things etc etc. The guy said the only thing that made the break up bearable was the fact his wife was being such a b!tch. He felt guilty for what he'd done, but the fact that his wife was being so awful made him glad they were breaking up. He said if his wife had been kind to him when they were divorcing, the guilt of what he had done and how he had hurt her, would have just destroyed him.

 

On the day my ex broke up with me, after enough begging and pleadings and realized he wouldn't change his mind, I said "Ok, if this is what you really want, I'll accept it. I wish you well and happy always. I hope you'll be able to find happiness elsewhere". And he was like "You taking this okay?"

 

It's another plus point for me cos I'd smile at myself months or years from now knowing I have so much respect for myself (to show him) I didn't go crazy in front of him. I try my best to keep my sanity behind his back though but he doesn't need to know my effort to keep striving on.

 

PS : This is rather irrelevant but I just feel kinda proud about it. Haha.

[cavalier99]

On the day my ex broke up with me, after enough begging and pleadings and realized he wouldn't change his mind, I said "Ok, if this is what you really want, I'll accept it. I wish you well and happy always. I hope you'll be able to find happiness elsewhere". And he was like "You taking this okay?"

 

It's another plus point for me cos I'd smile at myself months or years from now knowing I have so much respect for myself (to show him) I didn't go crazy in front of him. I try my best to keep my sanity behind his back though but he doesn't need to know my effort to keep striving on.

 

PS : This is rather irrelevant but I just feel kinda proud about it. Haha.

 

Good job. I wish i had walked away with out a word. When i said i regret being nice i didnt mean being angry and crazy (bad). I just felt like i let her off the hook way easy and lost myself respect. Walking away with dignity and hardly a word is the way ill handle this situation in the future. Hopefully wont need to

 

This is a huge growing experience. I'm actually getting glad

Im going thru this. Im soooo much stronger now. My friends and women i talk to sense it! And more importantly I feel it!

[th90]

Good job. I wish i had walked away with out a word. When i said i regret being nice i didnt mean being angry and crazy (bad). I just felt like i let her off the hook way easy and lost myself respect. Walking away with dignity and hardly a word is the way ill handle this situation in the future. Hopefully wont need to

 

This is a huge growing experience. I'm actually getting glad

Im going thru this. Im soooo much stronger now. My friends and women i talk to sense it! And more importantly I feel it!

 

He kept saying "You can hate me all you want, I can live with it" even after I said I didn't hate him for anything at all. I guess he would feel better about breaking my heart if I had said mean crazy things or he was expecting me to go crazy but I didn't haha.

 

Well I guess we all learn from our mistakes. There are things that I wish I hadn't said to him. So yea, next time we know what to do but hopefully won't need to lol. I also take it as a huge growing experience. It's priceless

[krafty85]

thanks for the advice... I haven't talked to her for 2 days now so im in NC mode.. I think i'll wait to see if she contacts me, then i'll let her have it.. i'm not going to be a friend to her to come to whenever she feels like it.. It's either relationship or nothing, at least not for a very very long time. Just sucks over the holidays.

[Chi townD]

I think you said it best in your first post when you said, "I can't be your friend and pretend that I'm not in love with you."

 

That says it all right there. That's your reason for going into NC. ANd if she can't understand that, then that's her problem!

[flitzanu]

My relationship of 8 years just ended out of the blue. My ex is giving me the friend card, even going as far as saying lets meet for lunch some days... Obviously I can't do this. I want to get back together with her, I'm not ready to throw away 8 years of my life. So here's my dilemma, should I contact her and tell her look I can't be your friend and pretend that I don't love you. Or do I wait for her to contact me to talk or hang out and then say it? I just don't want her thinking "oh things will be good, we will stay friends, and I can do what I want, he will always be there"... What's the best way to tell her this anyway? I'd like to hear form those that have gone through this, I want her to realize that she's either with me or doesn't get me at all... At least for quite some time, because I can't lie to myself and hang out with her predenting I don't love her.

 

I just feel like I screwed up when two days ago. We finally talked, and let it all out. Cried for a while like a baby... at the end she's like oh maybe I'll see you sometime this week. I didn't say anything. Later that day she texts me with how's she's feeling.. I caved in, I feel like an idiot. I should have just not answered... What I'm afraid of is that now she thinks we are friends, so that's why I wanted to know if I should just send her an email.. Telling her look I'm sorry but I just can't be your friend right now.. then go no contact... because right now she's probably feeling good that we are friends. Or do I wait until she contacts me again to see how I'm doing or whatever, and then give her the no friend reply.

 

I don't want to push her away either, but everyone around her tells me how confused she seems...but won't talk to anyon, I know that eventually she will realize her mistake.

 

she broke up with you, the best way to show her you aren't going to be friends with her is to stop all communication and don't speak to her.

 

if you try to go out of your way to show someone how your'e ignoring them or how you're not going to talk to them just perpetuates drama.

 

you don't need to tell someone you're not friends, you just simply DON'T BE FRIENDS with them.

[cavalier99]

she broke up with you, the best way to show her you aren't going to be friends with her is to stop all communication and don't speak to her.

 

if you try to go out of your way to show someone how your'e ignoring them or how you're not going to talk to them just perpetuates drama.

 

you don't need to tell someone you're not friends, you just simply DON'T BE FRIENDS with them.

 

I actually like the last email idea just to make things clear if it wasnt discussed before. And only if the BU was very recent and on somewhat good terms. Prevents a lot of bread crumbs and it is somewhat liberating.

 

Than way if they contact you hold the high ground. Just my opinion. Not that it really matters much. NC in the end is what is needed

[flitzanu]

I actually like the last email idea just to make things clear if it wasnt discussed before. And only if the BU was very recent and on somewhat good terms. Prevents a lot of bread crumbs and it is somewhat liberating.

 

Than way if they contact you hold the high ground. Just my opinion. Not that it really matters much. NC in the end is what is needed

 

i don't entirely disagree with you, but let me put it this way.

 

"hey cavalier, i'm not going to talk to you anymore, and i'm now telling you that i'm not talking to you and i'm going to ignore you"

 

or:

 

".....(silence).........."

 

which one of these seems more like i'm trying to get a reaction?

[Allumere]

When I got divorced, I read a lot of books to understand what had gone wrong. One thing really stood out: it was a quote from a man who had cheated on his wife and the marriage had ended.

 

He said that he felt terrible about what he had done, he had loved his wife and couldn't believe he had hurt her so badly but.... during the divorce, his wife turned into a crazy: verbal abuse, destroying his things etc etc. The guy said the only thing that made the break up bearable was the fact his wife was being such a b!tch. He felt guilty for what he'd done, but the fact that his wife was being so awful made him glad they were breaking up. He said if his wife had been kind to him when they were divorcing, the guilt of what he had done and how he had hurt her, would have just destroyed him.

 

There is something to be said about this approach in that I have used it with friends on occassion and the end result is that they finally "own their ****" after the guilt sets in. Now I can't say it would hold true in a breakup...being nice could equate to being needy, clingy or desperate. And ultimately leave you in the friendzone (which is OK if thats what your end goal is). Depending on the dumper, depending on what nice actions you are talking about it could also be viewed as annoying. I personnally see no problems with sending a letter that expresses the positives or mentions happy times while at the same time explaining why you can't be friends,need time to heal and therefore can no longer talk to her.

[NavyAirTraffic]

I'm not ready to throw away 8 years of my life.

 

...... but she definitely is!

 

Listen to the great advice you've received here. Otherwise she'll friend zone you, use you for support, then completely cut you off when she finds someone else!!! Think I'm wrong? Time to take the RED PILL: if she wasn't interested in other men, SHE'D BE WITH YOU!

[cavalier99]

i don't entirely disagree with you, but let me put it this way.

 

"hey cavalier, i'm not going to talk to you anymore, and i'm now telling you that i'm not talking to you and i'm going to ignore you"

 

or:

 

".....(silence).........."

 

which one of these seems more like i'm trying to get a reaction?

 

I think both work however I see what you saying. But we weren't in a relationship ..or are we lol.

 

I think that some of us start going down the frienzone path early on ( I didn't) and need to do a u turn. And a FINAL email sets things straight. BUT ONLY IF YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO STICK WITH IT. And aren't secretly hoping. If the email isnt right after the BU BETTER NOT TO SENT.

 

For me EMOTIONALLY it was like me turning the tables and saying "I'm breaking up with you now!"..(not that she gave a ****)....and i regained some power after being a pussy and i didn't care what she thought about the email.

 

But you are right! if you cave or EXPECT a response it causes unnecessary drama.

 

I viewed this as a complete and total separation when i sent it. I guess if you have ANY expectation safer not to send and stay NC 100 percent. So your advise is probably safer for most people here.

 

I personally knew that when i said NO MORE contact it was forever and i gained some self respect back by being clear so i viewed as it as good. So i guess i depends on the person.

 

Even after sending that email she still contacted me but it was with comments like "i know you probably wont respond" or "sorry to bother you". Then these stopped quickly when i didnt respond.

 

At the point I'm at now id never respond. NC 1000 PERCENT. So i guess it is a personal decision and it depends on what you intent is.

 

Love you advise fitzanu! You help a lot of people!

[movingon12]

I actually like the last email idea just to make things clear if it wasnt discussed before. And only if the BU was very recent and on somewhat good terms. Prevents a lot of bread crumbs and it is somewhat liberating.

 

Than way if they contact you hold the high ground. Just my opinion. Not that it really matters much. NC in the end is what is needed

 

I agree with this. If the dumper is obviously trying to be nice, I think saying to them, 'please don't contact me' anymore is reasonable. They feel bad for hurting you and are probably trying to find ways to ease the pain - but often a dumper's idea of easing the pain is sending lots of 'are you ok?', 'let's be friends', 'do you want to meet up?', 'you'll always be special to me' messages. Which are just confusing and upsetting. Sometimes you just need to say to them - do me a favour and leave me alone. If you just disappear without saying anything, the problem is they start contacting you all the time to check you're alright, which is not what you want.

 

If the dumper is being a being a completely ****, then they don't deserve any response at all.

 

But don't write it in the hope that they'll change their mind and take you back - they won't.

[movingon12]

There is something to be said about this approach in that I have used it with friends on occassion and the end result is that they finally "own their ****" after the guilt sets in. Now I can't say it would hold true in a breakup...being nice could equate to being needy, clingy or desperate. And ultimately leave you in the friendzone (which is OK if thats what your end goal is). Depending on the dumper, depending on what nice actions you are talking about it could also be viewed as annoying. I personnally see no problems with sending a letter that expresses the positives or mentions happy times while at the same time explaining why you can't be friends,need time to heal and therefore can no longer talk to her.

 

 

To be clear, by 'being nice' I mean: don't turn into a psycho. It mean's saying 'ok, fair enough, if that's what you want, good luck and good bye' and then moving on. It does NOT mean sending letters recollecting all the good times, being around to offer a shoulder to cry on 3 months later or anything like that.

 

I'm saying be polite, be civil, don't become The Crazy Ex. The dumper's pain for hurting you will be far, far worse if you take the break up with good grace than if you reveal yourself to be a demon creature.

[krafty85]

...... but she definitely is!

 

Listen to the great advice you've received here. Otherwise she'll friend zone you, use you for support, then completely cut you off when she finds someone else!!! Think I'm wrong? Time to take the RED PILL: if she wasn't interested in other men, SHE'D BE WITH YOU!

 

 

That's exactly where I don't want to be... Friend zone, i fell for it slightly but haven't talked since. She's very hard headed, and prideful, she will never be the one to break NC... but who knows, i know her new friends are just feeding her justifications, without getting other perspectives in the relationship. She's been avoiding speaking with people that actually knew me, because then she'll be hearing something she doesn't 'want to hear. Her parents are heart broken about the whole thing. This is brutal over the holidays, and especially brutal for me because I was actually planning on proposing(marriage is what this is all partly about) this week actually and had already booked a much needed vacation for us as a Christmas gift. Now I am stuck with a ring I can't return and plane tickets that can't be refunded.. I know she will contact me to say merry Christmas, but i simply don't know how i will respond. I will most likely delay my response and just say "you too". It's difficult to find the best way forward with her because NC may not work with her since she's so hard headed, it may have to be very LC or else i'll never get her back.

Edited December 20, 2012 by krafty85

[flitzanu]

That's exactly where I don't want to be... Friend zone, i fell for it slightly but haven't talked since. She's very hard headed, and prideful, she will never be the one to break NC... but who knows, i know her new friends are just feeding her justifications, without getting other perspectives in the relationship. She's been avoiding speaking with people that actually knew me, because then she'll be hearing something she doesn't 'want to hear. Her parents are heart broken about the whole thing. This is brutal over the holidays, and especially brutal for me because I was actually planning on proposing(marriage is what this is all partly about) this week actually and had already booked a much needed vacation for us as a Christmas gift. Now I am stuck with a ring I can't return and plane tickets that can't be refunded.. I know she will contact me to say merry Christmas, but i simply don't know how i will respond. I will most likely delay my response and just say "you too". It's difficult to find the best way forward with her because NC may not work with her since she's so hard headed, it may have to be very LC or else i'll never get her back.

 

your ex isn't in NC, you're the one in NC.

[Mike_d]

here is everything you need to know and 100% truth at the 1:00 mark: