He suddenly disappeared and dropped off the face of the planet without telling me

December 19, 2012

I'll try to make this brief without stating too much details in our backstory and what happened. I was with my guy for 3 years and he is one of the most very caring and understanding guys I've met (which is why I fell in love with him) he always loved me more than I did and he was very good to me. We were going to get married and planned our future out together for a long time; he told his parents about me already and wanted to buy an engagement ring for me to surprise me next time he visits me (we are in ldr) but suddenly 6 months ago he told me he was unhappy in the relationship and he cried really hard while breaking up with me. For awhile, he started questioning "how strong" his feelings were for me for several months before he wanted to break up...but he never stopped loving me at all. Before the break up, we started to drift a bit because he worked 7 days a week including trying to catch up with his uni work (which he told me he was behind and failing some classes). He has kept this routine for almost a year and gradually his workload increased and increased and he always felt tired and unmotivated all the time.

The last time I spoke to him, out of the blue, he suddenly said he doesnt see us getting back together when he said otherwise before. He said he didn't feel the same anymore (which isnt his character at all). He has no interest in future relationships with anyone else because even if someone made him happy he would turn them down. He said in the future his main priority will still be his school. He told me he still cared about me a lot and I would always remain special to him no matter what; it wouldn't change. He kept telling me to trust him that he would still be there for me and he didn't want to forget about me completely because I was doubting him--I told him i couldnt be friends if he was just saying it to be nice, but he kept trying to convince me otherwise by writing walls of paragraphs, so I know he cares. Even after the last time I spoke to him (which has been 5 months ago) he emailed me right after this convo to check up on me. We always kept LC or at least some kind of contact even after the break up for 3 months, but suddenly after his last email he disappeared out of nowhere.

I broke no contact after 2 months, and still no reply from him. I don't contact him everytime anymore...just every 2 months. We agreed to be friends, so I don't want him to think I stopped caring. Having time to myself being away from him in these 5 months of no contact, I've moved on from the break up for the most part and I'm ready to be friends with him, but he has NEVER ignored me and its not in his character to do such a cruel thing on purpose, so why the sudden distance?

Is he doing it to heal before he can talk to me as just friends again? I know its not because he found someone else, so that is def. not the case. He's not into dating, and he hasn't deleted me from facebook either (even if he doesn't use it that much at all). I figured that he is just sorting out through his problems and needs to keep his distance away from me because seeing me will hinder his concentration or healing.

Edited December 19, 2012 by heartbroken1004
typo

December 19, 2012

I'll try to make this brief without stating too much details in our backstory and what happened. I was with my guy for 3 years and he is one of the most very caring and understanding guys I've met (which is why I fell in love with him) he always loved me more than I did and he was very good to me. We were going to get married and planned our future out together for a long time; he told his parents about me already and wanted to buy an engagement ring for me to surprise me next time he visits me (we are in ldr) but suddenly 6 months ago he told me he was unhappy in the relationship and he cried really hard while breaking up with me. For awhile, he started questioning "how strong" his feelings were for me for several months before he wanted to break up...but he never stopped loving me at all. Before the break up, we started to drift a bit because he worked 7 days a week including trying to catch up with his uni work (which he told me he was behind and failing some classes). He has kept this routine for almost a year and gradually his workload increased and increased and he always felt tired and unmotivated all the time.

The last time I spoke to him, out of the blue, he suddenly said he doesnt see us getting back together when he said otherwise before. He said he didn't feel the same anymore (which isnt his character at all). He has no interest in future relationships with anyone else because even if someone made him happy he would turn them down. He said in the future his main priority will still be his school. He told me he still cared about me a lot and I would always remain special to him no matter what; it wouldn't change. He kept telling me to trust him that he would still be there for me and he didn't want to forget about me completely because I was doubting him--I told him i couldnt be friends if he was just saying it to be nice, but he kept trying to convince me otherwise by writing walls of paragraphs, so I know he cares. Even after the last time I spoke to him (which has been 5 months ago) he emailed me right after this convo to check up on me. We always kept LC or at least some kind of contact even after the break up for 3 months, but suddenly after his last email he disappeared out of nowhere.

I broke no contact after 2 months, and still no reply from him. I don't contact him everytime anymore...just every 2 months. We agreed to be friends, so I don't want him to think I stopped caring. Having time to myself being away from him in these 5 months of no contact, I've moved on from the break up for the most part and I'm ready to be friends with him, but he has NEVER ignored me and its not in his character to do such a cruel thing on purpose, so why the sudden distance?

Is he doing it to heal before he can talk to me as just friends again? I know its not because he found someone else, so that is def. not the case. He's not into dating, and he hasn't deleted me from facebook either (even if he doesn't use it that much at all). I figured that he is just sorting out through his problems and needs to keep his distance away from me because seeing me will hinder his concentration or healing.

If he cares for you as a friend, he wouldn't have "disappeared" given that he's still alive. How sure are you that he hasn't found someone else? Guys have the tendency to deny to their graves to keep the good image that they've planted in your mind all these years. Since you won't be able to find out, why tell the truth? You may think that you know him perfectly well but things happen and we will never know. There is no 100% because you're not observing him 24/7.

You mentioned that you've moved on and ready to be friends. Well it's true that he may not be ready yet or is still recovering from the break up, but is it necessary to salvage a friendship between both of you? You need to abide to the "all or none" law. If your relationship has failed, the next option is being strangers. I know how much it hurts not to care for the person you once loved but be selfish for once, ignore him and his life. Be indifferent and oblivious. For all you know, he's already doing it now.

Also remember that if he truly loves you, he would never have broken up with you. I don't know why he is giving you the impression that he's trying so hard to get over you and get on with life and coping with all his work, but who cares now? He gave up on you and that's the only thing you need to know. You owe him no friendship.

December 19, 2012

If he cares for you as a friend, he wouldn't have "disappeared" given that he's still alive. How sure are you that he hasn't found someone else? Guys have the tendency to deny to their graves to keep the good image that they've planted in your mind all these years. Since you won't be able to find out, why tell the truth? You may think that you know him perfectly well but things happen and we will never know. There is no 100% because you're not observing him 24/7.

You mentioned that you've moved on and ready to be friends. Well it's true that he may not be ready yet or is still recovering from the break up, but is it necessary to salvage a friendship between both of you? You need to abide to the "all or none" law. If your relationship has failed, the next option is being strangers. I know how much it hurts not to care for the person you once loved but be selfish for once, ignore him and his life. Be indifferent and oblivious. For all you know, he's already doing it now.

Also remember that if he truly loves you, he would never have broken up with you. I don't know why he is giving you the impression that he's trying so hard to get over you and get on with life and coping with all his work, but who cares now? He gave up on you and that's the only thing you need to know. You owe him no friendship.

I know where you're coming from, but the thing is not every relationship that ends is just black and white like the way you described. We never know and you're right about that, but I'm only talking about what the possible reasons would be if what I stated above WERE to be true under those circumstances. (If he still cared, had no one else, etc.) what would make a person distant themselves away?

And yes personally for me, there is no point of being bitter and going separate ways for good if what I shared with that person was really nice and we had a good history together. Not everyone wants to be total strangers, some people want to still keep that person in their lives because of what they shared. For me, I had a very strong connection. We were best friends before we dated, so why not?

Others don't want to bother being friends and they wish to cut off all communication and never speak again. Again, to each their own I suppose.

Edited December 19, 2012 by heartbroken1004

December 19, 2012

I know where you're coming from, but the thing is not every relationship that ends is just black and white like the way you described. We never know and you're right about that, but I'm only talking about what the possible reasons would be if what I stated above WERE to be true under those circumstances. (If he still cared, had no one else, etc.) what would make a person distant themselves away?
And yes personally for me, there is no point of being bitter and going separate ways for good if what I shared with that person was really nice and we had a good history together. Not everyone wants to be total strangers, some people want to still keep that person in their lives because of what they shared. For me, I had a very strong connection. We were best friends before we dated, so why not?

Exactly! So why hasn't he replied? This is your side of the story. What about his? You don't really know what is going on with his life anymore, do you? You can only assume so and so because that's what he told you months ago. Why bother so much? Well maybe you're not bothered he didn't reply, you just want to know why. Here's why. He doesn't give a damn anymore. I'm sorry if I'm harsh but I don't see why you should care anymore. People walk in and out of our lives. He was just a passer-by. He came, shared his life with you for few years, then left. Why not just let this possibility of a friendship after so much you guys have shared pass? In the future he may contact you again because he wants to be friends and that's for you decide whether you still want to have a friendship. Obviously he doesn't think so now for whatever reasons otherwise he would have replied. Simple as that.

December 19, 2012

Exactly! So why hasn't he replied? This is your side of the story. What about his? You don't really know what is going on with his life anymore, do you? You can only assume so and so because that's what he told you months ago. Why bother so much? Well maybe you're not bothered he didn't reply, you just want to know why. Here's why. He doesn't give a damn anymore. I'm sorry if I'm harsh but I don't see why you should care anymore. People walk in and out of our lives. He was just a passer-by. He came, shared his life with you for few years, then left. Why not just let this possibility of a friendship after so much you guys have shared pass? In the future he may contact you again because he wants to be friends and that's for you decide whether you still want to have a friendship. Obviously he doesn't think so now for whatever reasons otherwise he would have replied. Simple as that.

Why are you so negative? How do you know if he doesn't give a damn? There are so many circumstances that get in the way of people in life when things like this happen, something could have happened to him or circumstances could have happened in his life that were out of his control. For all we know, he could be depressed and what's his way of shutting people out. For all we know, he feels super guilty, etc. etc. My point is it's not always just one case of someone just suddenly stop caring if someone doesn't talk to you. My point is, we need to consider every possibility but you make it sound like it's just one thing.

I know you might have had bad experiences, and I'm sorry if you've been hurt by someone as well, but not every people's experience is like your's. I CARE because I know he was going through things in life before the break up, and he has issues to deal with.

Edited December 19, 2012 by heartbroken1004

December 19, 2012

Why are you so negative? How do you know if he doesn't give a damn? There are so many circumstances that get in the way of people in life when things like this happen, something could have happened to him or circumstances could have happened in his life that were out of his control. For all we know, he could be depressed and what's his way of shutting people out. For all we know, he feels super guilty, etc. etc. My point is it's not always one case of simply of someone just suddenly stop caring if someone doesn't talk to you. My point is, we need to consider every possibility but you make it sound like it's just one thing.

I know you might have had bad experiences , but not every people's experience is like your's. I CARE because I know he was going through things in life before the break up, and he has issues to deal with.

I'm really sorry if I offended you. To clarify things, I just got broken up with by my bf of more than 7 years. Like you, I care a lot about him. He stressed that it wasn't for someone else. What you feel for your ex is compassion and kindness. I totally understand that because I feel that way for my ex as well. What makes us different is I'm learning to let go and you haven't. You see, whether he replies you or not is not something of your control for whatever the reason is. He may be suffering from all the things you mentioned but it has to be upto him to deal with those. To top it off, he's miles away and the only thing you can offer him is emotional support and he hasn't turn to you for it. It also means he doesn't need you right now even as a friend. Why don't you just let it pass? You can show your love and compassion by praying for his well-being and happiness. Do you understand what I'm saying?

December 19, 2012

I'm really sorry if I offended you. To clarify things, I just got broken up with by my bf of more than 7 years. Like you, I care a lot about him. He stressed that it wasn't for someone else. What you feel for your ex is compassion and kindness. I totally understand that because I feel that way for my ex as well. What makes us different is I'm learning to let go and you haven't. You see, whether he replies you or not is not something of your control for whatever the reason is. He may be suffering from all the things you mentioned but it has to be upto him to deal with those. To top it off, he's miles away and the only thing you can offer him is emotional support and he hasn't turn to you for it. It also means he doesn't need you right now even as a friend. Why don't you just let it pass? You can show your love and compassion by praying for his well-being and happiness. Do you understand what I'm saying?

It's alright, no apologizes needed. You have my sympathy because I know what it feels like to be hurt like that especially after a long term relationship. My bf was my first love as well--first everything literally. I'm 24 and he's the first guy I did everything with. I was his as well. Yeah, I'm trying to focus on myself and it is getting easier. Every now and then I think of him and worry about his well being, and I just pray he is fine.

When he has problems, he says he doesn't like sharing about it to anyone because he has this problem with opening up. He shuts people out and I wish he hasn't like that because it makes communication hard. But yeah haha.

December 19, 2012

It's alright, no apologizes needed. You have my sympathy because I know what it feels like to be hurt like that especially after a long term relationship. My bf was my first love as well--first everything literally. I'm 24 and he's the first guy I did everything with. I was his as well. Yeah, I'm trying to focus on myself and it is getting easier. Every now and then I think of him and worry about his well being, and I just pray he is fine.

When he has problems, he says he doesn't like sharing about it to anyone because he has this problem with opening up. He shuts people out and I wish he hasn't like that because it makes communication hard. But yeah haha.

I just want you to understand that there is nothing you can do about it. We are on the same boat and we know what it feels like. It's just bad that you keep questioning why he hasn't replied. It's out of your control.

We care and we worry. But do they really need to know that we do? Personally I don't need to know if my ex does even though I know he does. All we need to do is pray for them from our side. Well unless your ex turns to you for help. Otherwise please stop wallowing yourself in this. You said you've moved on and I'm glad you did. Because of that you don't even need another reason to still care about him. However we're human beings and we are gifted with a heart of love and compassion which is why you're worrying.

About remaining friends, it is still in his hands to decide. Please liberate yourself from this. If he wants to be friends, he will come to you.

December 19, 2012

I know where you're coming from, but the thing is not every relationship that ends is just black and white like the way you described. We never know and you're right about that, but I'm only talking about what the possible reasons would be if what I stated above WERE to be true under those circumstances. (If he still cared, had no one else, etc.) what would make a person distant themselves away?

The question you should be asking yourself, is why would someone not be distant with someone they broke up with? You want to be friends but it's clear from his actions that he doesn't.

So the question is, why doesn't he want to be friends? Maybe he's too busy, maybe whatever you did that made him decide to end the relationship is still annoying him, maybe he has nothing to say to you, maybe contacting you brings back too many unhappy memories, maybe he can't see the point in making an effort to have a LD friendship, maybe he's getting annoyed that you keep emailing him, maybe he's dead, maybe he's met someone else and he's uncomfortable staying in contact with you in case she finds out (never, ever believe someone who tells you during a break up that they are never going to have another relationship again, it's like saying you're never going to drink again whilst lying in bed with a hangover).

The fact that you are so desperate to hear from him, and that you are checking his facebook and emailing him every 8 weeks, suggests to me that you're not as over him as you might hope.

The best thing for you is to stop waiting for him. Maybe one day in the future he might decide to contact you, but I think you'd be happier if you assume that he won't, remember the good times and move on.

December 19, 2012

thanks for the replies! I will just focus on myself from now on and stop worrying. (even though its hard) but I have no choice.

December 19, 2012

thanks for the replies! I will just focus on myself from now on and stop worrying. (even though its hard) but I have no choice.

Trust us all.. and it's HARD to accept some advice, because at this time it might not make sense to you.

But the RIGHT thing now is to let him be and stop worrying. Worry about yourself and your needs right now.

Give it time and you'll see WHY we are giving this feedback to you over time.

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He suddenly disappeared and dropped off the face of the planet without telling me

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