blue_jay_bird Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Is it just me but it seems like everyone is dumped. Venting about pain, asking each other questions with no answers. I haven't see that many dumper's come forward and say, well, this is how is it. This is what it was like when i dumped someone. I'm going to take a wild stab at this, and say they aren't trying to figure out things. That they aren't going back, but forward. Dumper's lead us your ear, are you out there? and what happened?
ItxWillxGetxBetter Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 This isn't necessarily true. I cant speak for everyone on this board but I would imagine that at some point the dumpee was the dumper in a different relationship. At least that holds true for me. I have been on both sides of the coin. In my previous relationship I was the dumper. In this last one I was the dumpee. I remember what it was like to be the dumper and I definitely know how it feels to be the dumpee now. Do I have perspective on both sides? Yes I would say I do but what matters now is trying to get over the pain that unites all of us here. I'm sure if you ask questions on how a dumper feels there are a bunch of people who can give you that perspective as they were in that role in a previous relationship.
cavalier99 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 This isn't necessarily true. I cant speak for everyone on this board but I would imagine that at some point the dumpee was the dumper in a different relationship. At least that holds true for me. I have been on both sides of the coin. In my previous relationship I was the dumper. In this last one I was the dumpee. I remember what it was like to be the dumper and I definitely know how it feels to be the dumpee now. Do I have perspective on both sides? Yes I would say I do but what matters now is trying to get over the pain that unites all of us here. I'm sure if you ask questions on how a dumper feels there are a bunch of people who can give you that perspective as they were in that role in a previous relationship. There just isn't that much to analyze. Some have regrets later. But they are relieved to be out. It is what they wanted and it didn't hurt much. It hurt more dealing with us and cutting the cord. Now they are free. And we will be also..just takes longer and sucks worse. 2
songbird70 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I haven't posted on here in awhile but periodically still sign in and read the posts. I think the reason you don't hear from too many dumpers on this site is because they are the one's usually moving on and don't need to come to sites like these for comfort and understanding. As the 'dumper', I can honestly say that some DO feel regret and do not move on as quickly as most on here think. It took me awhile to get over loosing this person, who is now back in my life, but I'm not sure yet if that's a fortunate thing or unfortunate...lol. Only time will tell I guess. But just letting you know, some dumpers do feel remorse and carry it for a long time. 1
HaveFaithxx Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I have broken up with a number of guys, but when I was younger (teenage to mid 20s) and the relationships were never over a year. When I did break up with them, I did feel bad about breaking their heart, but I didn't think too much of it. But the reason why was because I had met someone else. Thus, my advice to people who have been broken up with because their ex found someone else is to let go and not try to get them back. It hurts, but you shouldn't be wondering "but we were together for 2 years, doesn't he/she miss what we had?" Well, if they met someone else, and are treated well etc....then no, not really. If they date someone else who doesn't "compare" to you, then yes there is a small chance that they will miss you and want you back. (if you had a REALLY great relationship). You don't need to be friends with them etc. or do something to "win" them back. They will realize it on their own. This of course is from my own experience as a dumper. I was in a really great relationship with a guy for a year when I was 29. I can't really explain why, but something was missing, I wanted "more". But I suffered GIGS up until the last 5 years. I guess that explains why I always ended my relationships because I met someone else. It was 4 years later that I realized for the first time that I should not have broken up with him. And that is after about 4 failed relationships. He didn't need to come into my life, or keep in contact to remind me of our relationship. Perhaps I would have considered contacting him if I didn't know what he was up to. But I know he is living with his girlfriend who he met a after me. It's not like I miss him or anything; I just remember how well we got on together and how much we laughed. Does that answer any Qs?
cavalier99 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I haven't posted on here in awhile but periodically still sign in and read the posts. I think the reason you don't hear from too many dumpers on this site is because they are the one's usually moving on and don't need to come to sites like these for comfort and understanding. As the 'dumper', I can honestly say that some DO feel regret and do not move on as quickly as most on here think. It took me awhile to get over loosing this person, who is now back in my life, but I'm not sure yet if that's a fortunate thing or unfortunate...lol. Only time will tell I guess. But just letting you know, some dumpers do feel remorse and carry it for a long time. Agreed. Every situation is different. Some are even totally torn up and end up feeling like the dumpee. I just think for the majority they may feel remorse or nostalgia AT TIMES but are still confident in their decision and definitely aren't totally destroyed like a dumpee. And if they are in a new relationship in a honeymoon phase we aren't even more than a passing thought (I believe this to be my case ) They are to busy to care much and probably feel like they wasted time on us. Now if they break up from their new relationship..that is another story. Then we become a pretty good OPTION for a while. But only because they are mourning their new EX and feel so alone. All this has been said. It isnt hard to figure out where they are based on if they try to communicate or not, how hard they try, and what they say. And in the end it is a waste of time because it doesn't help our healing to wonder even though it is hard to avoid sometimes.
Cutiepie1976 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I was the dumper in my last relationship. I've been the dumper in all but one of my relationships. Generally, yes it was easy to walk away. I was very clear about what was wrong about the relationship, what the deal breaker(s) were, etc. My last break-up was very different. It has been an incredibly tough and painful process of self-reflection for me. Within a few weeks, I felt that I had probably made a mistake, and within a couple of months I was certain that it was a big mistake. It's been good because I've done a lot more soul-searching about relationships than I ever have in the past. I've rethought what matters to me. I'm very clear about what I need and what's irrelevant. And I'm very clear that I do indeed want to get married and share my life with someone--to fall in love, commit, marry, and grow old with the right guy. It was an experience I really needed. I'm better equipped for marriage as a result.
Radu Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Every time i dumped, i healed faster. Dumpers have extra time to get ready for the dump, and generally ... they also get a confidence boost [if they are certain the relationship will not develop anyway] by being the ones who reject. However, all these advantages are offset by the fact that serial dumpers are in effect cowards to the core, they are scared of being hurt. So sometimes, it's better to be hurt.
lovefiction Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Until this recent relationship I was always the one to walk away... Sometimes I would think about the guy I had dumped but the only time I ever doubted my decisions was when I knew they had started seeing someone else... I knew it was not love that made me want them back but a childish sense of possession. Recognizing that, I never bothered to contact them. This relationship has been different. I loved him completely and even though it may sound cliche or naiive, I am certain he loved me too... We spent two years trying to work through the obstacles but we never fought. I sincerely believe that if we had met under different circumstances or at a different time, it would have worked out... But the reality is what it is... So here I am, trying to understand how to let him go. I know it doesn't matter whether he thinks about me or misses me because even if he called and wanted to try again, I know that the same circumstantial problems will keep coming up... We are simply in two different places in our lives. It is lonely and depressing but slowly I have begun to face reality...
movingon12 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 (edited) Is it just me but it seems like everyone is dumped. Venting about pain, asking each other questions with no answers. I haven't see that many dumper's come forward and say, well, this is how is it. This is what it was like when i dumped someone. I'm going to take a wild stab at this, and say they aren't trying to figure out things. That they aren't going back, but forward. Dumper's lead us your ear, are you out there? and what happened? They don't need to figure things out. They stopped loving the person they were in a relationship with. That's all there is to it. The reason they fell out of love will differ from one person to another, but do you really need someone to give you a list of things he doesn't love about you anymore? The questions always have answers: - why is he texting me? - he feels guilty or wants to keep you in reserve - why isn't he texting me? - he has nothing to say to you - why did he say he loved me? - he doesn't want to hurt you - will he contact me? - probably - will we ever get back together? - very unlikely - why did he dump me? - you're too needy/independent/poor/rich/confident/unconfident/friendly/unfriendly/thin/fat/old/young.... - how long till I stop hurting? varies - should I call him? - no - should I text him? - no - should I check his facebook? - no - should I reply? - no - should I block him? - yes The problem isn't that there are no answers, the problem is that people don't like the answers. Edited December 19, 2012 by movingon12 1
cavalier99 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 They don't need to figure things out. They stopped loving the person they were in a relationship with. That's all there is to it. The reason they fell out of love will differ from one person to another, but do you really need someone to give you a list of things he doesn't love about you anymore? The questions always have answers: - why is he texting me? - he feels guilty or wants to keep you in reserve - why isn't he texting me? - he has nothing to say to you - why did he say he loved me? - he doesn't want to hurt you - will he contact me? - probably - will we ever get back together? - very unlikely - why did he dump me? - you're too needy/independent/poor/rich/confident/unconfident/friendly/unfriendly/thin/fat/old/young.... - how long till I stop hurting? varies - should I call him? - no - should I text him? - no - should I check his facebook? - no - should I reply? - no - should I block him? - yes The problem isn't that there are no answers, the problem is that people don't like the answers. Hey movingon..you can just copy and past that into every thread! No need to type ever again! 1
LondonRed Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I am new on here but does seem a lot of people on here are bitter and angry and urging others to go cold turkey and generally be mean - at a time of much hurt. 1
movingon12 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I am new on here but does seem a lot of people on here are bitter and angry and urging others to go cold turkey and generally be mean - at a time of much hurt. No one is encouraging anyone to be mean. Being mean doesn't help anybody. (Actually, not true, sometimes being mean is the only way to get through to someone who is determined not to let go). But people recommend going cold turkey (I guess this means NC?) because it works. Everyone (that I've seen on here) who has actually got over their ex and got on with their lives, did it by going NC. The sooner you go NC, the sooner you start to move on. The sooner you start to move on, the sooner you start to get happy. The sooner you start to get happy, the sooner you end up with the one you might spend the rest of your life with. 2
cavalier99 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 (edited) I am new on here but does seem a lot of people on here are bitter and angry and urging others to go cold turkey and generally be mean - at a time of much hurt. I don't think most people here are bitter and angry. Were just being realistic and accepting of the situation and have had more time to heal. We are thinking logically and not emotionally so it sounds harsh. But the truth is it is generally compassionate advise. If you can be friends with your ex great! 99 percent of us cant recover while maintaining friendships with our exs and have found this out the hard way. It causes more pain. You will most likely learn this. Try being friends and report back the results. if you find out a way to do this id love to know! Edited December 19, 2012 by cavalier99
Still Searching Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I'm with most on here. Been in both spots, and it's definitely harder to be on the receiving end of a break-up. I've found that I have no problems talking with exes in which I ended the relationship (amazing that they're able to talk to me, really), yet with those who left me, I harbor resentment for a time, and would want nothing to do with them. You're over someone when this anger and resentment is gone, but by that time, even if I ran into them, I simply don't care to talk to them. I was dumped two days ago, and have heard the same things I've heard other times. All the "I love you still's" and how they really care about us still. That only makes them feel they're easing the pain, when the opposite is true. They're leaving for a reason, and I plan on going NC, today being day one, as this is how I moved on from the last relationship. It doesn't pay to sit and ask the why's, but rather, just accept what is, that they're gone. This is all a matter of personal opinion, and I only speak from my experiences. Sorry if this comes across as rambling randomness. I find it helps to throw my thoughts/feelings on paper, or on here for others to read...
Author blue_jay_bird Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 The "I still Love you, but..." line really kills me. Dumper's WHY would you say it. You must know your lying. You must know that saying you still love someone is not helping. Do you really think it's going to help, soften the blow, some form of pity. I'd love for my ex to tell me he doesn't love me anymore. Why do you lie?
Tree_Salmon Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Is it just me but it seems like everyone is dumped. Venting about pain, asking each other questions with no answers. I haven't see that many dumper's come forward and say, well, this is how is it. This is what it was like when i dumped someone. I'm going to take a wild stab at this, and say they aren't trying to figure out things. That they aren't going back, but forward. Dumper's lead us your ear, are you out there? and what happened? Life is about going forward. The only way i would take my ex back is if she was someone completely different. So why bother? Not enough people change for the better. Simple as that.
cavalier99 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Maybe they do love you some. Just not enough! They aren't robots. It is hard to dump someone you care for...sometimes lol
Els Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 The last time I dumped someone was over 5 years ago, and it was almost mutual (I broached the issue, but when we talked about it he revealed that he'd had thoughts about it as well). Still, happy to help if anyone needs it. Did you have any questions in particular, OP?
movingon12 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 The "I still Love you, but..." line really kills me. Dumper's WHY would you say it. You must know your lying. You must know that saying you still love someone is not helping. Do you really think it's going to help, soften the blow, some form of pity. I'd love for my ex to tell me he doesn't love me anymore. Why do you lie? Why do you want your ex to tell you he doesn't love you? I can understand being frustrated with the 'i love you but...' line, but I wouldn't really need to hear my ex say "i don't love you anymore". And yes they do think it helps. And in a way, part of them usually still does, but as a friend - not a lover.
na49 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Being dumped sucks. Especially when it's because they found someone they like better than you. It's a real shot to the gut to think that they feel that way when I was under the impression everything was fine. I'm not psychic, if you don't tell me what's wrong I can't fix it. I also can't telepathically tell you are cheating on me, so I guess you're sneakier than I thought. If I knew I would've dumped you MONTHS AGO!
Still Searching Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I got this line the other night, "I guess I just felt I needed to tell you I loved you one more time..." Yeah, that was all for her own sake, not mine. It's to make themselves feel better, which in turn only hurts or confuses the other party worse. I, too, would personally prefer to hear they don't feel for me or love me anymore. Easier to process that than them saying they still love you, care about you, will miss you, but...
Cutiepie1976 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 It's not a lie. You don't turn emotions on and off like a faucet. Of course you still love the person, but for me it was always a deal breaker that caused me to realize that the relationship was fatally flawed. Once it was doomed, I lost interest. For me, breaking up was never about someone else. When I'm in a relationship I'm completely focused on and emotionally invested in my partner. If I happened to date someone immediately after we broke up, it was someone who expressed interest after the breakup, not before.
na49 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 It's not a lie. You don't turn emotions on and off like a faucet. Of course you still love the person, but for me it was always a deal breaker that caused me to realize that the relationship was fatally flawed. Once it was doomed, I lost interest. For me, breaking up was never about someone else. When I'm in a relationship I'm completely focused on and emotionally invested in my partner. If I happened to date someone immediately after we broke up, it was someone who expressed interest after the breakup, not before. What about someone showing interest while you are still with you're dating someone else? If you are interested in this person, would you show them you're interested before breaking off the relationship you already have? Then after you've already shown your interest, breaking up with your partner, not telling them about it. And making them find out everything a week later. not like that happened to me or anything
Author blue_jay_bird Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 The "I still love you, but..." line is a dame fake light in the dark for the dumped. It's the false hope that keep's us believing that the ex care's and will care enough when they realize how much they miss us. (7 months and counting) I don't think they love us. I still love you line is bull****. It sounds like they are talking about there favorite food. I love pizza. I care for you, I used to love you. Is how they really care. 1
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