Marriage is getting better, but "OW" is acting crazy

[BetrayedH]

You have some long posts (which is honestly fine - detail is very helpful) so it takes me some time to digest it. Here's a couple quick thoughts:

 

(1) I think you've twice now "threatened" to get the whole text record. What is stopping you from getting it? Perhaps it is true in your situation but I can't begin to tell you the number of times we have heard waywards claim it was "only once" and have that proven wrong weeks, months or years after the fact. Around here we call it "trickle truth" and it's common enough to be abbreviated as TT. The wayward pattern is to lie, deny, minimize, and lie some more. They don't suddenly stop just because they've been busted. In fact, it's almost guaranteed that they'll continue it "to protect you." Maybe you're right but I'm just saying to protect yourself. You've told a lot of the story but not always said where you got the information. If you are believing what he is saying, that's a mistake and one that betrayed spouses (myself included) make all the time because we desperately want to think it is no worse than what we already know. Your H would be happy to oblige your desire to think you know everything. And if you are hesitant to investigate further because you feel guilty or want to move forward quickly, that's a mistake, too.

 

(2). You should realize that it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. You seem to not want to discuss this with the betrayed husband because you would be forced to relive it. The fact is that you are likely to be reliving this experience for a long time to come. It sucks horribly because we desperately want to get our lives, marriages, and spouses back to "normal" as soon as possible. Betrayed spouses can be traumatized by the experience and we will help our wayward spouses "sweep it under the rug" because we just want the pain to stop. I'm sorry to say that you're likely to be on an involuntary roller coaster of emotions for a really long time. Don't pressure yourself to "get over it." You cannot go around this; you must go through it.

 

I do hope you heal quickly but in my mind, that means being closer to the 2 years rather than 5. Most betrayed spouses I see around here who have successfully reconciled seem to have turned a corner around the 3-4 year mark. Just hoping to give you some perspective that the long haul is not measured in weeks or even months. I had a very hard time accepting that and I suspect you are reacting in a similar way. An example is your reluctance to tell the OW's husband. This is one of the early steps toward recovery and you haven't even done it yet. I don't blame you as it isn't easy and it took me about a month and a half to make the decision, too. But it does tell me that you're nowhere near done with this.

 

My heart goes out to you. Infidelity sucks.

[BetrayedH]

Ah, you also asked how to deal with the OW and her H.

 

As for dealing with the OW, I didn't experience that kind of thing so I'm not as much of an expert as some around here. I'm going to let them chime in. If y

[BetrayedH]

Ah, you also asked how to deal with the OW and her H.

 

As for dealing with the OW, I didn't experience that kind of thing so I'm not as much of an expert as some around here. I'm going to let them chime in. If you hear from Spark or Frozensprouts, listen to them closely because they both dealt with crazy OW and got through it (and with their marriage intact).

 

As for telling the betrayed husband, no it isn't fun. But it has to be done. When I told the other betrayed spouse in my situation, I called her at work toward the end of the workday and asked to meet with her after work. It was an awkward conversation and I had to reveal the basics over the phone but then she did agree to meet with me at a local restaraunt. What I would say is critical is for you to bring proof. It is very common for the OW to tell her H that some crazy woman is stalking her and claiming weird stuff. The OW has probably proactively painted you as a crazy person with her H in case you say something. Even if she hasn't, the H is going to believe his wife by default rather than trusting the word of a stranger. Bring copies of everything you have so it's undeniable. In my case, the OM's wife wasn't very gracious to me about revealing it to her that day. She was in shock. But after a few days, she called me to express her gratitude for not leaving her in the dark. In some cases, I have seen the betrayed spouses become allies that helped one another ensure that the affair stayed dead and to fill in informational blanks that you couldn't have done on your own. Just be careful how close you get. The desire to get even can be very powerful. And while you may be very secure, for the betrayed husband there would be no better way to get back at your husband for ****ing his wife than to sleep with you.

[Spark1111]

Is she seemingly nice, outgoing, kind, disarmingly charming but secretly seductive, emotional, dramatic, manipulative and tells constant lies?

 

Does she burn through relationships, has few female friends especially, from long ago?

Does she flirt with every man she meets, especially the unavailable, like MM?

 

Is her life circumstances always sounding like the Perils of Pauline? Does she allude to her H as being cold and abusive, yet he NEVER attends anything with her (not the norm for a posessive, jealous, abusive man)?

 

If you have answered yes to any of the above, be careful. You have met your first Spidey Woman.

 

Or, maybe, histrionic personality disorder which if often accompanied by pathological lying.

 

Hmmm...her H is probably a nice, quiet nebbish who she easily manipulates, or a man she changes her personna around. You can tell him, together, with all your proof and ask him to please keep her away from you two and your marriage, as you just want to heal.

 

I would not get into anything but the facts....okay? The hard proof. Not hearsay of she said, we heard stuff...She will lie and cry her way out of it.

 

Then stop all contact. Close FB for awhile, change numbers, and refuse to discuss this with any of the friends ever....just say, my lawyer said I am not allowed to speak of it/her and change the subject....

 

Paste a huge smile on your face and hold your head up high. If you and H are out, have a blast and look like it. Go out with new friends, or bring family along. Do not hide/

 

These types FEED on attention and lie and dramatize to get it. Do NOT be the source of it for her. They are also insanely jealous and will do all in their power to turn public opinion against you.

 

Make believe she doesn't exist, does not affect you, and she will move onto another source of drama and attention.

[justcantletgo]

First, the way you write puts most of the blame on the OW and excuses your husband for his choices. I can agree that he may have had reason to cheat, but he made the choice many times to go step by step into an affair with this woman. She may be a manipulator, but he is not a puppet!

 

Second, I would also say that there is more to the story, but I will trust that you do know the whole story. It does appear that your H had more than one sexual escapade by even your own words. Someone saw them kissing before they had sex. This makes me think more happened earlier, ad he confessed as he saw you had his phone.

 

Third, I do agree that you need to rebuild the trust, but you should also know the whole story so that some secret doesn't come out later and ruin the trust that was rebuilt. Knowing it all now will help your marriage survive.

 

And lastly...he must now be an open book to you. It sounds like you two are on the right path.

 

THIS. I was the OW once when my xMM lied to me about being married and went out of his way to DEGRADE and talk crap about his "ex wife" to me as you can check on my previous posts, some of them are simply not acceptable (turned out they never divorced nor separated) and after I exposed him what a lying POS her dear husband really is, she ignored it, rug swept, even called me a sl#t just because I later found out she really didn't bother reading ALL the chat archives, emails and videos I sent that he had sent me over the past 2 years confessing how much he loved me and how much he couldn't wait for me to become his wife. It turned out also that he had thrown me under the bus when ***** hit the fan to save his butt and told her I was the crazy one who was chasing him, and she believed him immediately of course, nevermind if there's tons of proof proving otherwise All I CAN say is, there's more to this story than what your husband was telling you. There's a deeper reason as to why she simply couldn't let go. The whole relationship must have been a lot deeper than you thought.

[Spark1111]

THIS. I was the OW once when my xMM lied to me about being married and went out of his way to DEGRADE and talk crap about his "ex wife" to me as you can check on my previous posts, some of them are simply not acceptable (turned out they never divorced nor separated) and after I exposed him what a lying POS her dear husband really is, she ignored it, rug swept, even called me a sl#t just because I later found out she really didn't bother reading ALL the chat archives, emails and videos I sent that he had sent me over the past 2 years confessing how much he loved me and how much he couldn't wait for me to become his wife. It turned out also that he had thrown me under the bus when ***** hit the fan to save his butt and told her I was the crazy one who was chasing him, and she believed him immediately of course, nevermind if there's tons of proof proving otherwise All I CAN say is, there's more to this story than what your husband was telling you. There's a deeper reason as to why she simply couldn't let go. The whole relationship must have been a lot deeper than you thought.

 

Or, she IS crazy, unstable and disturbed.

 

not all OW are alike, as not all BS and WS are alike.

 

Sorry you were thrown under the bus and she believed his lies about you, just as you believed his lies about her. See a pattern of someone who can convincingly lie here? I do.

 

My fWS tried that with me, but I had read the texts, emails, bank and cell records, so of course I did not allow nor accept it.

[justcantletgo]

I didn't believe everything he told me, hence why I did a background check on him and found out what I found out. She, however, was the crazy one for calling me names just because I dare tainted her wonderful husband's perfect image to her. But rest assured he would still be cheating on her had I not exposed him to her. She's just an ungrateful b!tch and I sure hope he cheats on her again coz I'm pretty sure she will rugsweep again anyways. No harm done. She's a just doormat who refuses to see the truth.

[Spark1111]

I didn't believe everything he told me, hence why I did a background check on him and found out what I found out. She, however, was the crazy one for calling me names just because I dare tainted her wonderful husband's perfect image to her. But rest assured he would still be cheating on her had I not exposed him to her. She's just an ungrateful b!tch and I sure hope he cheats on her again coz I'm pretty sure she will rugsweep again anyways. No harm done. She's a just doormat who refuses to see the truth.

 

Ok, could be. Why not start your own thread? I think many a marriage reconciles like that of your MM and his wife.

 

I'm not sure what your expectation was, and her reaction was extreme, but certainly not unexpected.

 

Many, many a person's initial reaction IS to shoot the messenger.

[2sunny]

Thank you everyone for the input. I will definitely do some research.

 

As for telling the husband, all my friends are discouraging me. I think I'll talk to a professional about it.

 

Tell her H. And get a restraining order against her!

[2sunny]

I didn't believe everything he told me, hence why I did a background check on him and found out what I found out. She, however, was the crazy one for calling me names just because I dare tainted her wonderful husband's perfect image to her. But rest assured he would still be cheating on her had I not exposed him to her. She's just an ungrateful b!tch and I sure hope he cheats on her again coz I'm pretty sure she will rugsweep again anyways. No harm done. She's a just doormat who refuses to see the truth.

 

Huh? This is mean spirited.

[ladyinthemts]

(Done with the long posts "what happened" posts I think I got most of it out. It was hard, but I did it. I hadn't even spoken about the whole story or written it out in whole. It was too hard. There are things I left out, but they are just details.)

 

Thank you everyone for your input! I've been thinking about all of them.

 

BetrayedH - My husband did not know at the time of the threats, but my phone company will only give out phone records of that detail to by special order. I mean like, I'm getting a divorce and we need it in court. Otherwise, they are protecting his stuff. (I was smart about it though, I left the simple records up on the computer and directions to the cell store up on the computer and left the house. When I came back, he thought I had left to get the full records. He was sweating like a pig. Then, I asked him what I would see.)

 

I haven't done it because I don't want to relive certain terrible details. I don't really want to read their text-sex session. Besides, like I said, I'd need to jump through legal hoops.

 

To everyone: Do I have the whole story? I'm not naive. He has probably omitted things, like maybe text-sex more than once, or maybe lied to me about the context of the text-sex. But at this point, he cheated. I don't care how many times or how f***ed up it was. It was an affair. Period.

 

I AM certain that he was not romantically involved. He DID feel very close and trusting with her, but not enough to effing marry her. That's where she effed up in her lies. He lied, but I can't tell what she really believes she has lied so much!

 

To Spark1111: YES and YES! That's my point. Yes, he's a lying cheating H, but her story keeps changing. And she fits all those things! She was sweet and charming before, then effing flipped out when all this came out!

 

One creepy thing that tipped us off about her H was that her H approaches my H at work and acts like his best buddy. And opens up to him with personal stuff! ...She told my H that she told her H everything...which could be anything at this point! Would the OW's H act that way? That's when I really started worrying for the other H, because I feel sorry for him.

 

To justcantletgo: I'm sorry what happened to you. Keep in mind, I was (before I blocked her) very polite and so was my H. We never called her names and he never said she was crazy. He accepted her to act mature and tried to stand up for her at first (knowing that her feelings are hurt) but she started to go crazy and say effed up crap. Still, I haven't said or done anything mean to her. She broke his trust and friendship as well. Also, I know she's lying.

 

I think she is hurt and angry and probably (considering her alcoholism) had something bad happen to her long ago. But she's become bitter and hates the world. For that, I have a tiny, tiny bit of pity for her. Then, I remember she called me fat and ugly and tried to steal my H.

[BetrayedH]

The OW's H could have been told anything. God only knows what version of a lie he was told but the last thing I would suspect was that it was any version of the truth. What have you decided to do about him? I hope you're not going to leave him in the dark.

[ladyinthemts]

The OW's H could have been told anything. God only knows what version of a lie he was told but the last thing I would suspect was that it was any version of the truth. What have you decided to do about him? I hope you're not going to leave him in the dark.

 

I'm really scared. But I'm going to bring it up my therapist in hopes she can help me. We are both scared how he will react, how she will react...I mean, it's the military - it can and will destroy my H's career. We'd end up on the street likely. I don't have a job...see...I'm just scared the man and his crazy wife will f*** our life!

[ladyinthemts]

OMG! I'm sorry...just talked to my best friend about help telling the WO's H...and he confused that she admitted to having several boyfriends while married.

 

I...I don't know what to say. This is the woman my husband was attracted to. And it makes sense now she wanted more 'cause she's always gotten her way apparently! I'm trying not to have a break down right now...

[BetrayedH]

I'm really scared. But I'm going to bring it up my therapist in hopes she can help me. We are both scared how he will react, how she will react...I mean, it's the military - it can and will destroy my H's career. We'd end up on the street likely. I don't have a job...see...I'm just scared the man and his crazy wife will f*** our life!

 

I hear you. Based on my reading here, there's a very realistic possibility of some painful discipline for your H but it's not always true that your H would be run out of the military. Frankly, he may end up having to accept some consequences for his actions. But I'm going to hope some of our other military spouses on the site will chime in.

[silvermercy]

Your posts have been very detailed indeed but I don't think you have the full story either. Trying not to re-live events because they hurt won't help you long-term. Of course they hurt. But you are just prolonging your uncertainty and torturing yourself.

 

Personally I think it's time to pull the big guns: Schedule a lie detector test and stick with it. Have you even discussed this possibility with him? See his reaction? But as I said the important part is to always ALWAYS stick with the test.

 

EDIT: I agree about the other posters mentioning financial instability. This fear makes you rush into reconciliation. You can't achieve that in the time-frame you're presenting.

Edited January 5, 2013 by silvermercy

[Spark1111]

OMG! I'm sorry...just talked to my best friend about help telling the WO's H...and he confused that she admitted to having several boyfriends while married.

 

I...I don't know what to say. This is the woman my husband was attracted to. And it makes sense now she wanted more 'cause she's always gotten her way apparently! I'm trying not to have a break down right now...

 

Yep....like I suspected, a real Spidey Woman.

 

FOW in my sitch painted her xH as a drug abusing philanderer who abused her.

 

Well, turns out he is happily remarried and my H was NOT her first affair with a MM.

 

How about those apples?

[ladyinthemts]

Wow. You've just about managed to COMPLETELY absolve him from ALL blame for this affair. I guess this poor, hapless soul was just a victim of this aggressive woman who MADE him comply to her wishes - is that what he'd have you believe? Good lord.

 

First you say she's married and "cheats on her husband CONSTANTLY," and in your next breath, you're saying this woman was 'in love' with your husband and expected him to leave you.

 

After ONE time with him? She's banging everyone according to the gossip, so why is HE the golden ticket?

 

I think there's A LOT more to this story than he's told you. A LOT more.

 

 

I would prepare myself to one day hear the WHOLE story as to why she was led to believe she'd end up with your husband and they talked about a future.

 

I understand where you are coming from, but I explain in another post that I do not blame only her. I've done plenty of blaming him. I posted here with help in regards to her, not him. He was stupid and fool and I said that. Trust, I've ripped him a new *******. I haven't accepted ANY of his behavior as okay. I have NOT completely absolved him for the affair. I have even said to him that he probably mislead her be accident in some cases because she probably doesn't know that he says "I love you" to everyone. He loved her, but not like THAT. He showed me the messages. And he explains in them, "I love you like a friend". And she would agree with him.

 

And NO there is not more to the story as far as that goes! She is a LIAR. Like I said in another post, her story changes with every person, that was just one story. She's already moved on to another guy. I've seen some of the text messages. I've talked to other people. He's talked to me. He was NOT talking about a future with her. He did not want to leave me for her.

 

And it's not gossip. The men (and women) she's banged told me in detail their sexual relationships with her. Including texts saying she loves them, all during the time she was supposedly "in love" with my H. The difference so far with them is that done of them turned her down. My H was the only one that stopped the affair.

[ladyinthemts]

Your posts have been very detailed indeed but I don't think you have the full story either. Trying not to re-live events because they hurt won't help you long-term. Of course they hurt. But you are just prolonging your uncertainty and torturing yourself.

 

Personally I think it's time to pull the big guns: Schedule a lie detector test and stick with it. Have you even discussed this possibility with him? See his reaction? But as I said the important part is to always ALWAYS stick with the test.

 

EDIT: I agree about the other posters mentioning financial instability. This fear makes you rush into reconciliation. You can't achieve that in the time-frame you're presenting.

 

Like I said earlier, I've done lots of research and pushing and snooping. And I know my husband's lie-signs. He's not lying. But I do keep pushing him and asking questions again, to check his story. I'm not stupid.

 

Her sh*t doesn't add up. For example, she said that he was going to leave me because I couldn't have kids and that she was going to give him the son he always wanted.

 

1. I can have kids.

2. We both have decided to not have kids until we buy a house.

3. We both don't care if we ever have kids.

4. He doesn't care if he was a son or not.

 

She probably got that from the one time I was a little intoxicated and opened up to her about having PCOS -which in some women causes a low fertility rate. I regret ever trying to open up to her! She's thrown it back in my face.

 

Nothing about her story makes sense. My husband maybe a liar, but he doesn't say that sh*t. He told me all he had to say to her was...nothing. He just started having sex and she went with it. It's effing sick and I've done my share of screaming, arguing, crying, and making him feel bad about that.

 

But I didn't post here about my H. I posted here because a woman I've never even a real conversation with has harassed me (I've blocked her completely now though so she has taken to insulting me on pinterest and facebook, but I don't look at them anymore and neither does my husband.) and she cheats ruthlessly on her husband, whom my H sees almost every night and we are eaten up with guilt about whether or not to tell him.

 

Besides, even if he did say that sh*t, what gives her the right to say terrible things about me, my H, and my friends to every stranger in town!? If she's pissed off at him, why not focus her anger on him? Why she taking it out on everyone I know?

[BetrayedH]

OMG! I'm sorry...just talked to my best friend about help telling the WO's H...and he confused that she admitted to having several boyfriends while married.

 

I...I don't know what to say. This is the woman my husband was attracted to. And it makes sense now she wanted more 'cause she's always gotten her way apparently! I'm trying not to have a break down right now...

 

Somehow I missed this post yesterday.

 

If I am reading this correctly, you just found out your best friend has also had several affairs, right?

 

I'm sorry to say that since I discovered my (ex)wife's affair, I have also discovered that infidelity is far more rampant than I ever thought possible. I can't look at a happy couple without wondering which one cheated, or is cheating, or if they've survived a Dday. I'm just about convinced that it touches everyone sooner or later. It's really affected my view of the world.

 

I've been very open with friends and family (it's just who I am). In my case, I am the eldest of 4 brothers. In telling my story and seeing some reactions, it became apparent to me that one of my brothers has cheated on his wife and I think it may have gone both ways. I think another one of my brothers may have cheated as well. They haven't admitted it but I know wayward-speak when I hear it. Another couple that was mutual friends with my ex and I (going back 20 years) also told me that they had both cheated on each other. This last year they visited from out of town and we stayed up late discussing it all. When the H went to bed, the W used some liquid courage to put the moves on me. I just about had to use a spatula to peel her off of me. Good grief. I had been friends with these people for nearly my entire adult life (before any of us were married). They've been insistent upon staying friends both with me and my ex. Considering their wayward pasts, it's no wonder they are quick to forgive my wife for her disgusting behavior. Long story short, I let my wife have them in the divorce.

 

Wish I could tell you something supportive. I feel like my eyes have been opened up to a whole secret society out there. It's like a cheater's freakin' network and we're the marks in their con games. Sad state of the world. Took me a while to ensure that it doesn't fundamentally change me. You can lose yourself. Hell, I did lose myself for a while. But I brought myself back and I'm very glad not to become one of them. Now my eyes are just opened to the fact that there are more of them than I thought and they are much more depraved than I ever thought.

[Alicat09]

Sounds like you & I have very much in common.

 

My H's OW attacks me every chance she gets. After reporting her to the police I'm hoping she is gone for good.

 

I have learned that my H is not the man I knew.

 

Just don't underestimate how many lies your H is still hiding.

[M30USA]

Some people are just flippin' crazy.

[ladyinthemts]

Somehow I missed this post yesterday.

 

If I am reading this correctly, you just found out your best friend has also had several affairs, right?

 

I'm sorry to say that since I discovered my (ex)wife's affair, I have also discovered that infidelity is far more rampant than I ever thought possible. I can't look at a happy couple without wondering which one cheated, or is cheating, or if they've survived a Dday. I'm just about convinced that it touches everyone sooner or later. It's really affected my view of the world.

 

I've been very open with friends and family (it's just who I am). In my case, I am the eldest of 4 brothers. In telling my story and seeing some reactions, it became apparent to me that one of my brothers has cheated on his wife and I think it may have gone both ways. I think another one of my brothers may have cheated as well. They haven't admitted it but I know wayward-speak when I hear it. Another couple that was mutual friends with my ex and I (going back 20 years) also told me that they had both cheated on each other. This last year they visited from out of town and we stayed up late discussing it all. When the H went to bed, the W used some liquid courage to put the moves on me. I just about had to use a spatula to peel her off of me. Good grief. I had been friends with these people for nearly my entire adult life (before any of us were married). They've been insistent upon staying friends both with me and my ex. Considering their wayward pasts, it's no wonder they are quick to forgive my wife for her disgusting behavior. Long story short, I let my wife have them in the divorce.

 

Wish I could tell you something supportive. I feel like my eyes have been opened up to a whole secret society out there. It's like a cheater's freakin' network and we're the marks in their con games. Sad state of the world. Took me a while to ensure that it doesn't fundamentally change me. You can lose yourself. Hell, I did lose myself for a while. But I brought myself back and I'm very glad not to become one of them. Now my eyes are just opened to the fact that there are more of them than I thought and they are much more depraved than I ever thought.

 

Thank you for sharing that. What I meant was that the OW of my H admitted to having several bf during her marriage. Cheating is a norm for her. And I couldn't believe could be so casual about it.

 

But thank you for your story. I agree, I'm learning how normal it is. And it's sad. Why do people get married and promise to be loyal...if they can't!

[ladyinthemts]

Some people are just flippin' crazy.

 

I think you summed it up.

 

I know some people here think my husband is still lying/or lied to me a lot about the story, but he has completely 100% transparent with me. And he spelled out the whole story from beginning to end to me, every detail, answering every question I asked. And he's not afraid of me pulling the records at all. Says I can do it anytime. He says I won't like the sex stuff at the very end, but I would see everything he told me about.

 

Keep in mind, also, I've left out A LOT of stuff. But it's related to spirituality and religion and I don't want people to take it the wrong way and get offended. I will say she abuses her religion to get close to people.

 

I have also grilled into him that some things he did was shady, and could have confused someone like her. He did keep explaining he loved her like a friend, but with a woman that apparently cheats a lot, it's no wonder that she might think that's a cover up. I also reminded him that using a woman for sex is f***ed up. He feels gut wrenching awful about everything he's done.

 

The other night, we had an awful blow out. I mean - bad. I was having a bad day, and you all know that leads down to dark times for the BS. It ended well. Partly because I printed off that posted called "Things that every wayward spouse should know" for him. He started crying when reading it and said, "How could I hurt someone so beautiful. I've hurt you so bad and you still took the time to find stuff for me to make me feel better! You should hate me!"

 

And I think he understands some stuff better now.

 

UPDATE: I think OW is satisfied with moving in on another H of someone else and being (I assume still) passive-aggressive angry at me on the internet. She hasn't bothered us directly for almost a month.

[ladyinthemts]

Thank you everyone for your input and stories...I read all of them. Hopefully, 2013 will be better for me.