Marriage is getting better, but "OW" is acting crazy

[ladyinthemts]

Hello. The affair happened about six months ago. I'll try keep it short since the problem I'm having the hardest time moving past is the other person.

 

Husband got close to another woman while we were arguing a lot. Serious communication problems. Alcohol + loneliness + her throwing her body at him while he was horny + him feeling unwanted = affair. She is also married and cheats on her husband constantly. He felt so bad about it, even when it happened, he confessed to me almost immediately (like the same day) and called her to tell her to leave him alone and that they made a terrible mistake. She. Flipped. The. F. Out.

 

Apparently, she wanted a lot more and had expected he would leave me for her. We had a "pow wow" with our friends and her former friends and shown a light on everything. Truths came pouring out. She supposedly had opened up to other people she was in love with him and wanted to be with him. He had no desire and no idea she felt that way. He even had messages to prove he said he just wanted to be friends and she agreed with him. He doesn't even like calling her the OW, because he doesn't see her that way. I'm really lucky in this regard, I know! We've been getting counselling. The first few months were extremely hard and he had to do a lot of proving for me to trust him again. Trust is still shaking, but we doing much better.

 

She, however, has been acting bat **** crazy. Since D-Day she has harassed us. First, with text messaging (even after we politely asked her to leave us alone). She said she would leave us alone, then would text him two hours later. We blocked her. Then she started messaging on FB. I blocked her. He just ignored her. She started telling everyone we know terrible, crazy lies about me, him, and even our friends. Ranging from, I'm mean and fat (which I am not, really - to I can't please my husband and that she and him picked out wedding colors together. I mean, crazy stuff! Some people believed her, making social settings very awkward for me now.

 

It's been six months, constantly gossiping and spreading hate, she decides to show her happy butt up at fundraising function (I head a lot of volunteer fundraising events. They are public and I can't leave and she knows this.) She started a scene, trying to get my H to talk to her. He listened, with a pissed off face and told her his piece of mind. I just tried to say one thing - no cussing, just a simple statement. She interrupted me and would not stopping talking and denying everything so I just yelled "shut up" until she got her car to leave. She ran into the car like a coward. Keep in mind, I haven't tried to talk to her, I haven't spread rumors about her, I haven't tried to stop people from being her friends, I haven't threaten her, etc. It's been effing hard not to, don't get me wrong! I haven't don't anything to her! I know too, she's been stalking me on FB with a secret profile. After the confrontation, she's turned to insulting me blatantly on facebook, pinterest, and other sites (friends told me, they've been keep watch to protect me).

 

SO - I have no idea how to handle this. And it does hurt. I can't pretend it doesn't. Neither of us understand why she just didn't bow out. Besides...she's married! (But still claims she still loves my husband...) My friends keep saying, "Don't let her words hurt you", but its easier said than done. Its hurts. It's like a constant reminder, you know?

 

(Just so you know: she is conceded, posting about how amazing she is in every way on FB almost daily, but its ironic because no one really thinks she's that attractive. She's not ugly, but definitely not in the top ten. But she thinks she is and actually brags about stealing other women's men because "she's so hot". But the other men who cheated with her confessed to me that she was just really easy. Like, they knew her for ten minutes and got a blow job easy.)

 

And she lives in the same neighborhood....FML

 

Sorry for the long post. I had to sum up six months! Any advice? Thanks.

[Spark1111]

Well,she. Ertainly sounds very unstable, mentally ill almost.

 

does her H know of her affair with your H and her subsequent behavior towards you And your H?

 

Do you have proof of it to show him?

 

Some personality disorders THRIVE on drama and attention.Histrionics are especially prone.Read up on it.

 

For many of these types the best plan is to smile and ignore, ignore,ignore.Stop engaging or pAying ANY attention,and walk away. When you stop being a source of drama and attention, THEY will move onto another source.

 

Don't feed into or even acknowledge her,her gossip, her nonsense.

 

She's not well.

[whichwayisup]

Continue living. Don't stop!

 

This woman is nuts and I am wondering if her husband knows? I mean how could he not seeing as she seems obsessed with your husband, plus everybody knows, so he must have been told by someone.

 

If she doesn't stop her nutty behaviour, get a restraining order.

[ladyinthemts]

She claimed to tell him, but we've learned over the several months she is a constant liar. Her H approached mine at work and acted completely normal, like they were work buddies.

 

We are all sure he has no idea. I've been debating telling him, I mean, he could probably just log into her FB and see it. She's bad at not hiding things. We have some evidence, as well as witnesses and people she's tried to sleep with.

 

All my friends are telling me not to tell him though! He's military, so it could cause a hell storm. Plus, I'm worried about my H's career and safety...know what I mean?

 

They might be moving to Alaska soon too (maybe)...so I'm feeling the pressure to tell him.

[seren]

Lady, I agree telling her husband might put a stop to it .... or not. I still get hang up calls and nasty calls some 5 years after D Day. I have contacted the telephone provider and they are sorting it all out that end. I don't want police involved as a part of me feels sorry for her. It goes quiet for months and then begins again, now it has become irritating, but as we moved years ago, we have none of the day to day problems you are experiencing.

 

That her husband is in the military could be the very reason he won't kick off and he might be an ally, he certainly should know what she is doing. I wonder if she has mental health problems and has fixated on your H, certainly sounds like something is amiss.

 

Maybe it is time to call a solicitor and get a formal, back off letter sent, either way, FB can be set to private and as for the rest, don't let her actions restrict your life, if she sees her actions are having no result she might stop (said hopefully), otherwise, time to get legal advice or maybe speak to the military padre, they can help too as I am assuming you H is military also as he works with her husband.

[Nyla]

Besides being mentally unstable, this woman sounds emotionally about three years old.

 

Call the police.

[silvermercy]

I'm very surprised you haven't sought legal advice or called the police by now!

She's NUTS! NUTS!! And you know the other thing about crazy people? They all have the potential to become very dangerous!

 

I just got a bad feeling from your post. PLEASE!! Don't leave it too late!!! For your own safety!!

[Radu]

I agree with Spark, she sounds histrionic : Histrionic personality disorder - PubMed Health

 

Involve the Police/law ... and i hope you can rely on witnesses/logs.

 

This is the only way you can diminish this woman [you will never stop her].

 

I'd like to send you a link, but you have too few posts for this.

I also dealt with women like these in immediate family and i searched it online, i found a site/blog that details them pretty well, run by a smart psychiatrist ... nothing commercial about it.

Look up on google 'shrink 4 men histrionic' and you should find it with a list of articles on that site about this disorder.

 

I'll finish with this ... you cannot reason with these women.

Be carefull and 'know thy enemy'.

Edited December 19, 2012 by Radu

[ladyinthemts]

Thank you everyone for the input. I will definitely do some research.

 

As for telling the husband, all my friends are discouraging me. I think I'll talk to a professional about it.

[ComingInHot]

A simple relatively inexpensive cease letter drawn up by an attorney stating zero contact otherwise the authorities will become involved should help. It was the only thing that helped me. But it did the trick. She get she had too much to lose to let it go legal. My husband also provided proof to the attorney so if need be the authorities could take quick action if thins turned dangerous or threatening*

I'm so sorry you are dealing w/such an unstable personality!!

[BetrayedH]

I don't care what your friends or any "professional" has to say. The OW's husband has a right to know so that he can make an informed decision about how to move forward with his life. It's not complicated. It's the right thing to do. Why would you leave him in the dark to be the town fool?

 

Take whatever proof you have with you. It's very common for the cheating spouse to proactively discuss you as a crazy stalker to prevent the betrayed spouse from believing you. Evidence is key. If possible, avoid sharing the graphic stuff unless he asks (in which case, share as much as he requests).

 

But there are no good reasons for keeping this poor husband committed to his serial cheating wife. It's just cruel and I doubt you would want to be that person.

[CarboniteCammy]

While I have no doubt that the OW is having some serious problems, are you concerned that perhaps your husband wasn't forthright with you regarding the depth of the affair?

[KathyM]

I'd suggest getting a restraining order if she won't stop contacting you or your husband. Or just call the police and ask them to give her a warning. That's what my sister did when her husband's OW would not leave them alone, and they didn't hear a peep from her after the woman got a visit from the police.

[freestyle]

Another important--(potentially life-saving read)

would be, "The Gift of Fear", by Gavin De Becker.

 

You've got someone with obvious instability AND a fixation on your hands--

She should be viewed as a venomous snake that could strike at any moment.

 

You need to make a police report--and save texts & communications from her as evidence.

 

I'm very sorry you're having to deal with this.

[2sure]

You mention the affair was 6 months ago, how long did the affair last?

 

They had sex once and your husband confessed immediately after that. how long ago was DDay?

 

If this OW was convinced he was leaving you, was ready to make wedding plans, etc....are you sure you have the whole story? Many times crazy is based on some truth.

 

I understand not wanting to endanger your family by telling her husband. But if she cheats constantly its possible he is aware of something.

 

Also, under the circumstances and the proximity, you are going to have to make every effort to ignore her entirely ...yourself and via anyone else. Tell others you dont want to hear it. Focus on your marriage and why your husband did this. The OW may be nuts but this is all the result of your husbands actions.

[jwi71]

My advice is for you to put on your detective hat and get busy learning the truth.

 

While its a possibility your H "picked" a real nutter for an OW, it's not likely.

 

There's more than you know.

 

I suspect what you think is the truth and what actually happened are very different.

[ladyinthemts]

Okay, thank you everyone for the inputs. I have realized, though, by some of your questions that I need to explain the whole story so you might better understand. I know some of you questioned me knowing the whole story, hinting my husband may have lied and that I'm really in the dark. Or that he should deal with it (I agree, but we argue on how). I'll explain the story better. Keep in mind, I'll be telling the story from hindsight (I know things now I didn't know then).

 

My H and I have been married since 2008. Very close and happy, but his job with the military challenges our marriage. But we were doing okay (normal ups and downs) until he was promoted and his new boss treated him like crap. He started working 12 hours a day, night-shift, and even some weekends. It put pressure on the problems already there. Biggest problem: communication and eventually intimacy (which I know is the usual cause for infidelity in men). We basically stopped talking really and just swallowed our feelings. Which was were things stood this past year, spring.

 

April 2012 - Relatively attractive woman, married, but doesn't wear wedding ring comes into my circle of friends. Everyone loves her. Husband thinks she's cool. I grow up in very rough life, so I don't trust quickly. I take my time getting to know people. My H on the other, is a very trusting and gentle soul who loves to help, even when he should not.

 

There's a party and she comes, without her husband. (Her husband is never around.) We all notice she is drinking a lot and flirting a lot. At first, I don't really care, but I sense a problem with her. I try to talk to her, she blows me off. She does manage to talk to my husband for a long time, I walk into the kitchen to find her crying and complaining about her marriage. I know my husband very well. He's not even trying to comfort her on a physical level, just saying polite things like, "I'm sorry" and "That's sucks". I over hear some of it, she's complaining about no sex, porn, and lack of romance. The usual. He does stop the conversation to hang with me. She turns to flirting with men (and women) at the party. One guy mentions that she's married when she dancing on him, she says she has "an open marriage".

 

At this point, she tells her friends /my friends that she fell in love with my H that night and that he made moves on her. They don’t bother to tell me. We’re not that close, obviously.

Early May 2012 - My husband leads a meditation group, she comes and loves it. Cries after words and tells us how miserable her life is. She asks if he does private meditations. He says yes, and we three exchange phone numbers.

 

Throughout May she keeps asking about when to do it. He keeps putting it off ‘cause we are really busy and doing a private meditation isn't that important. Finally, we have a weekend free. I do notice, though, she is only texting him. I text her. She NEVER replies. I message her on facebook, just being polite and trying to start light conversation. She NEVER replies. Meanwhile, she never has a problem texting him.

 

End of May: Meditation at our house. I walk the dog around the block once and then chill with the dog outside. I can see them inside. Normal meditation. (You just sit there and he guides you through a visual thing.) It ends. She cries again. And hugs him. I come inside and we three begin a conversation. We talk for a few hours. Long story short, I'm suspicious of her character based on things she says. But I'm nice. We all three go out to lunch, to be nice, and buy her lunch. Keep in mind, my H is showing affection to me the whole time. We drop her off at her house (which is like two minutes from our house).

 

Afterwords, she tells friends/my friends that I was really mean to her the whole time and that he doesn't love me.

 

Early June: They aren't really talking a lot. But I start to notice she is talking to everyone but me. All my friends are getting close to her, but I'm being left in the dark. I try to talk to her. She ignores me. I mention to my H and friends. They say she's nice but shy. I'm thinking, "Well, she doesn't have a problem talking to ya'll!" I just swallow my feelings and keep trying to be nice.

 

I have a big party at my house. Keep in mind, H and I had a little spat before party because we're both stressed. Everyone gets very, very drunk. But me. I feel left out all night. H even snaps at me in front of everyone at one point. I keep busy hosting the party. I spot them talking again, she's crying (a pattern?) and he's listening. For the rest of the night, I keep running into them talking privately. They always stopped talking when I walked in. To this day, I regret not having a bigger spine and forcing my way into their stupid conversation. A friend saw my H kiss her (a peck, really, my friend said, but a kiss nonetheless) Friend did not tell me. H didn't tell me.

 

The rest of June has them talking more and more, texting and calling a lot. I'm getting jealous, I won't lie, and still not liking the fact she is still ignoring me. I try to talk to H about it. He gets pissed and defensive, saying they are just friends and that I could be nicer. I do sneak a peek at his phone a few times and there's nothing suspicious.

 

Aaron at some point gets close enough to her as a friend that he says, “I love you” to her in a conversation. Explains to her that they are just friends and that he says I love you to a few people that are close to him. She agrees, saying they are just friends. I know this to be true, because he does say I love you to our closest friends. And a friend of ours saw the text messages, agreeing with his statements. She has told friends at this point they are “in love” and hints that they are having affair. I believe at this point it’s just an emotional affair, looking back. She is also telling him that I'm mean to her when she tries to talk to me. He believes her (another regret there he says.) Also, she is telling friends/my friends that I don't have sex with him unless another man is present, that he's not allowed to watch porn or masturbate. All not true. Also, says he is saying terrible stuff about them, causing them to start to pull away from him.

 

Early July: I finally get a job. OW leaves town for her (supposedly dying mother) taking her husband and kids with her. They are gone for a few weeks. I'm happy, won't lie. Thinking it'll stop ****. It doesn't. I come home from work every day to find H and her talking on the phone or texting a lot.

 

I find out later, doing research to find out who’s lying, that she had a huge family reunion during the exact same time. She never mentioned that to anyone. And she never mentions her ill mother again, having cried about it before. Odd, right, for someone with a dying mother? Find out later, during his “great” confession that they had text-sex. He felt nothing romantic about it. He had figured out by that point she cheated a lot and knew she wouldn't turn him down.

 

Mid July: HUGE fight between my H and me. He tries to have sex with me, but it doesn't go well (long story, problems with me not liking how he approaches me some times). Another party, someone else's house that night. I leave early 'cause I hurt my arm really, really bad. I go home and try to sleep, but instead toss and turn until 4 in the morning in great pain. I text him a few times and he says he'll be home soon.

 

He hangs out with friends, she asks for a ride. He gives her a ride home, but half way there she starts sobbing (again, pattern?) and he parks and they go outside (small town, lots of parks and woods) and talk. She starts making moves on him. He fights it at first, but he gives in because he feels lonely and thinks I don’t want him anymore sexually, and she obviously does. But he told me it felt alien and when they were done he was sick with regret. She tried to cuddle and asked what was wrong, he gets pissed and snaps, “I just cheated on my wife.” He storms away and gets in his truck and leaves her there. Feels bad and turns around to give her ride home. They don’t talk until he drops her off. She says they should do it again, he says no, they shouldn't have done it all.

 

He rolls into the house around 4am. I know my H. I know his body language. Something is wrong. He goes straight to the bathroom and starts a shower. My heart starts to pound. My gut says, "Look at his phone." I'm conflicted, but decide to, thinking, "I'll find nothing again and everything will be okay."

 

...I find a text from her asking for a ride from a party at a friends house....Oh! Forgot to mention. She has multiple DUIs, in multiple states, so her driving license was taken away. Another sign early on that something was wrong. So I'm thinking, for half a second, he just gave her a ride. Then I read the text he sent to her hours later (Text from her at about 11pm, his response immediantly is just "be there soon", but then he sent a text just before he walked through the door of our house.) The text calls her sexy, says terrible things about him missing her....fill in the blanks with somewhat sexual stuff. Ending with "I love you". I burst into tears.

 

H gets out of shower and walks into bedroom with me crying over his phone. He starts to visually shake and his eyes start to water. I tell him he has a lot of explaining to do. That I'm not stupid and that if he lies I will find out. I also text her, saying “Please leave us alone, I know what’s going on.” She responds with “Okay, I will.”

 

REALLY long story short...We talked and cried all night. I yelled and argued. Feeling we had bottled up come out. He says he loves me and wants to be with me. He says he sent that last text ‘cause he left her on bad terms and was afraid she would tell me. He calls her and says that they crossed the line and that they can't even be friends anymore. She freaks the F out. Hangs up on him. I ask him if they had sex (guessing that they had). He says yes they did. I get mad, need space and stay at a friend's house for a couple of days. He doesn't go back to meet her. She doesn't try to see him, but blows up his phone with "I love yous, I hate yous, and it wasn't wrong." He keeps asking her to leave him alone. I check in, randomly, without warning. He keeps telling her it was wrong. He doesn’t sleep the whole time I’m gone. He starts feeling like killing himself, so a friend checks on him. He shows me their texts. I text her from his phone, calling her out on not leaving him alone. She comes back with rude, unapologetic comments. He gets mad and blocks her. I start blocking her on FB and such. He doesn’t, saying, “I don’t care what she thinks.” I check emails, without him knowing, and his facebook and it lines up. We decide to give it another chance, but before we do I push him harder. I demand he tells me everything, from his point of view of their "relationship" and that night when they had sex. He cries and confesses they also had sex-text while I was working, like a day or two before they had real sex. Then tells me the whole story, from his view.

 

I then go to my friends, who tell me crazy ****. Apparently, after he told her it was over, she called one of my best friends and tells him that they were going to get married, that they picked out their colors (even tells him the colors) and that I couldn't have children, so he was going to leave me, that she was going to give him the son he always wanted. That they were soulmates and that I was mean, fat, and ugly. And that I would never be good enough for him. And my husband would never promise to marry someone that quick. And he doesn't care about colors. We actually laughed at that part together.

 

Of course, my friend even confessed to seeing them kissed. I get mad about that, but what can I do now? I just let my friend repeat everything to my H. Now, my H's response is golden. He is shocked beyond belief. Then, sits in silence for a while before saying, “I’m a ****ing idiot and she’s not what I thought she was. I thought she was a good person.” I knew that some of that stuff wasn't true, because I know my H. I mean, both of us have considered not having kids. He doesn't care if we have kids or not. And I'm not fat at all. And I'm certainly not ugly. My H got angry at her, but decides ignoring her is best. She starts blowing up his facebook messages with crazy bull****, accusing us of talking about her behind her back and spreading lies. She then starts calling more people, telling each a different story, about what happened. We continue to ignore her completely.

 

We spend the next several months, ignoring her, going to counseling, me struggling with trust, and eventually realizing he does love me and was never going to leave me. I still struggle with believing him sometimes, I mean, who could blame me? But he's done everything he can to win me back and has been transparent. He just was stupid and ****ed up. Then, what I told you in the post happened. Her being passive aggressive and eventually showing to an event to start ****. He told her off. I told to "Leave us alone for the last ****ing time." And she drove off with the stupid friends that sided with her.

 

Sorry for the long post! I wanted to paint a clear picture. I think I covered everything...

[BetrayedH]

I still think it's time to get the OW's husband involved.

[whichwayisup]

I still think it's time to get the OW's husband involved.

 

I agree. And I am absolutely SHOCKED that neither of you have printed up all those emails, fb messages, and gone to talk to her husband and show him that his wife is lusting still after your husband now that their mini A is over.

 

This is a real sad story...

 

I hope the exMW leaves you two alone and gets some therapy. She's a walking nut bar.

[neveragain34]

I agree with the others who are saying there's more to the extent of the A than your H is owning up to. First you say he confessed immediately, but then when you provided more details, you say you found the texts in his phone the night it happened. He really had no choice but to come clean after you saw the evidence. Who knows what other texts were sent previously. He even said he loved her in the texts; those aren't words you throw around lightly. If you hadn't seen the texts, who knows how long he would have continued seeing her. If she's as easy as people say and this is the norm for her, then why isn't she obsessing over the other men she's been with as well? People don't act like this over a one time thing.

 

Regardless or not if there's more to it, you are right, she is acting crazy and it needs to stop. Perhaps if her feelings were validated and your husband owned up to his part in all of this, then maybe she would have the closure she needs to move on and leave you two alone.

[ladyinthemts]

I understand where some of you are coming from, but keep in mind I've been unraveling things for six months. I mentioned earlier, he says "I love you" to a lot of people. And no, I don't take it lightly at all and we spent weeks hashing it out.

 

He also said to me that he felt really guilty for using her and was dealing with feelings, as to why he would do it. He admitted he loved her, cared about her, but in no way the same way he loved me. He never had any intention of leaving me for her or carrying on a long affair. I also left out on the story that he wanted to tell me, but wasn't sure how. And considering I caught the text about an hour after the sex and just minutes after he got home, he literally didn't have a chance to tell me before I found out, so we'll never know.

 

And he's shown no interest in her whatsoever. I threatened, very early on to pull the phone records, and he said okay - saying I wouldn't see anything he had not told me about. And I'm never one to throw bluffs around. Like, he honestly thought I already did it. (You don't want to play poker with me lol)

 

Yes, I have struggled terribly with trusting him, but I want this marriage to work.

 

As for her response, she created too much bull crap for me to believe her. I mean, her believing that we were going to divorce - possible. Believing that he was going to marry her and have babies? Insane. I think some of the stuff, in retrospect was to save her ass. I notice everything she said made her the victim and my H some plotting, evil villain. Which he is not. Stupid, yes. Made huge mistakes and almost lost me, yes. He's never had the skill of reading people right. And when he heard about her lies and crazy reactions, he was sad and angry and confused. He really believed she would just bow out peacefully.

 

The reason I haven't gone to her husband was that friends kept discouraging me from doing it. And if the man wants to, he can destroy my husband's career. It's all how he decides to react to it. And I have no idea how he will react. I'm so effing scared! I really would want to know! I mean, damn. How do you even deliver that news?

 

As for the other men, some where my friends. Some turned her down. One was a married man also, which surprised us again - she told my H she had never slept with another married man before. Also, one of my single friends played into her game to see what she would do, and she said "I love you" to him too and even claimed to have cancer. Don't know if its true, but she was shown a strong pattern of lying. She also told one friend a different story, not of love, but hinted instead my H tried to rape her. To another she said he was a psychopath and piece of ****. To another she said she was in love with him but won't divorce her H because she wanted him to unhappy. To another, they were madly in love and they had beautiful sex. And said he was still talking to her through our cat's FB page (it was a joke page), but I laughed at that, because he doesn't even know it exists; that's my page.

 

See what I mean? When I came to my friends and other people, they all had crazy stories that didn't match up. So, not only did I not trust my H, I had no idea what she really felt. He did confront her when she crashed the party. He walked up and said he wanted to talk. I watched them talk for awhile, public and well lit. She seemed to not care at all; he said she just talked about herself the whole time. When he finally got a word in, he told her, he loved me and never intended to leave and apologized for using her. She just said "Well, fine" and "I thought you were." He said, "Sorry you were confused." Then called her out on talking trash. She just started talking about going to Alaska and working out and having cancer (a different cancer than what she told my friend).

 

My H just listened then said, "Good luck in Alaska" and came back to me. I tried to talked to her, just to get some stuff off my chest, but she wouldn't let me talk and was a complete bitch. So I told her to shut up and please leave us alone for the last ****ing time. To show some respect to people. She left. Then, my friends said she started bashing me more bluntly on FB and pinterest. I've taken the "**** her" stance and ignored everything completely. I think she's at least done, for now, with harassing me directly. She hasn't messaged my H either. His made no contact with her whatsoever (until the party crash) by email, or FB, or phone, or games. I've checked. I know all his accounts.

 

UPDATE: Creepy as ****, a somewhat friend of mine just confessed the same woman is moving in on her husband.

 

Thank you for putting up with my crazy long posts...

[whichwayisup]

UPDATE: Creepy as ****, a somewhat friend of mine just confessed the same woman is moving in on her husband.

 

TELL this crazy woman's husband what his wife has been up to. He deserves to know what she's been doing behind his back.

[JamesM]

First, the way you write puts most of the blame on the OW and excuses your husband for his choices. I can agree that he may have had reason to cheat, but he made the choice many times to go step by step into an affair with this woman. She may be a manipulator, but he is not a puppet!

 

Second, I would also say that there is more to the story, but I will trust that you do know the whole story. It does appear that your H had more than one sexual escapade by even your own words. Someone saw them kissing before they had sex. This makes me think more happened earlier, ad he confessed as he saw you had his phone.

 

Third, I do agree that you need to rebuild the trust, but you should also know the whole story so that some secret doesn't come out later and ruin the trust that was rebuilt. Knowing it all now will help your marriage survive.

 

And lastly...he must now be an open book to you. It sounds like you two are on the right path.

[2sure]

I cannot think of a better deterrent to repeat infidelity or reason for WS to feel true remorse than a bat shyte crazy OW. Send her a thank you note for affair proofing your marriage.

[ladyinthemts]

First, the way you write puts most of the blame on the OW and excuses your husband for his choices. I can agree that he may have had reason to cheat, but he made the choice many times to go step by step into an affair with this woman. She may be a manipulator, but he is not a puppet!

 

Second, I would also say that there is more to the story, but I will trust that you do know the whole story. It does appear that your H had more than one sexual escapade by even your own words. Someone saw them kissing before they had sex. This makes me think more happened earlier, ad he confessed as he saw you had his phone.

 

Third, I do agree that you need to rebuild the trust, but you should also know the whole story so that some secret doesn't come out later and ruin the trust that was rebuilt. Knowing it all now will help your marriage survive.

 

And lastly...he must now be an open book to you. It sounds like you two are on the right path.

 

Oh! I certainly don't only blame her! Trust me. I've done plenty of pointing at him. And he has owned up to everything and doesn't blame her for his behavior. I ripped him a new a**hole when I got home. I was coming to ya'll already past the point of dealing with him, for the most part of his fault. It's her behavior I don't know how to handle. She hasn't acted with respect towards me or our marriage at all. I thought OW would at least have the common decency to leave us alone, much less talk crazy all over town. I hate going to fellowship meetings now, scared who knows!

 

And I know the whole story, I mean, as much as I could know without being in the situation. Of course, some things will always be the shadows. And I will always know, he had the moment to not do it...and did it! It was a light kiss, a peck, and my friend saw it! My H didn't know my friend saw it, to this day. And my friend assured me it was quick and my H was like, oh **** and walked away. And that they were both extremely intoxicated (she was vomiting in our yard not long after that). I would sneak on his phone randomly too, during the time before they had sex and there was nothing but talk about movies and stuff. Occasionally, she would bitch about her H, but my H was always supportive of her staying with him and would advise her to get counseling. He had no idea I was looking at his phone. It was two weeks after D-Day I threatened to pull the full phone record, and told him I had been looking at his phone. I even quoted stuff he couldn't remember. (Which royally freaked him out lol) and he said he wouldn't be surprised or blame me and that I would find he was telling the truth.

 

And they weren't even talking on the phone much until the party. And my H says he kept saying to her, "I love you like a friend" and she would agree! Yeah, he really effed up, but I'm 99% sure it wasn't a romantic affair from his stand point. He regrets everything and said multiple times that he doesn't miss her or even care what she's doing (when I ask). He's been an open book the whole time, answered every question. I know about the tattoo on her effing back! I mean, he told me everything minus exactly how they had sex, when I asked. Even very incriminating, painful stuff...like thinking she looked beautiful that night. Which made me sob of course, but I knew he was being honest.

 

I even found out that she was keeping some the messages she sent him (because she's stupid) and I asked if they would be anything I didn't know about she could use to hurt me and he said "no".

 

My problem now, is what to do with her and her H? I mean, I'm so scared of approaching him. I'm so scared I'll have to relive everything!