apocalypse Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 My boyfriend sent me an e-mail saying he needs space to deal with a break-up we worked through 1 1/2 years ago. He does not think he got the space to decide if he wanted to be with me during that time. (I thought we had moved on a long time ago from what happened. Guess not. We have done many check-ins about feelings since that break-up and it's always been a non-issue.) He said that he wasn't trying to permanently break-up with me. He said he needs time apart. Then he canceled our holiday plans. What does that mean? Is this a full break-up? Just a break? I haven't responded because he said he needed space. How long should I go without responding? Should I do no contact?
Mumbles Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 This term seems to be used for a bunch of reasons, as a euphemism for wanting to break up to actually just wanting some alone time. If we assume that boyfriend is being truthful, and doesn't have someone in mind, or in bed already, then I'd say, from my angle, he's saying that he really needs alone time. I respond to a partner mentally and physically when I'm close to them. It can cloud my brain. If it were me in this situation, and I was telling the truth, I probably need a month or so to de-cloud my brain and think, really think, my way through some stuff. The trouble is that there is no guarantee which way he'll feel after the 'space'. He may decide he needs to start fresh with a new woman, he may decide to come back to you with open arms and start anew with you. Generally, I think I'd see this as a bad sign, however, I reckon if my wife and I had taken some space 3 years ago, to relieve some pressure and think through some stuff, then maybe, just maybe, we'd still be together today. 2
Mumbles Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Oh, one more thing. I think NC is probably the way to go, let him know you are there, and he can contact you when he's ready. However, and I reckon this might be important - it can't be an open cheque. There should be reasonable limits to the 'alone time'. You are going to be frustrated and anxious during this time, and god knows what boyfriend is up to. You can't let it string along for ages, years maybe, to get to a resolution. So why not see if there is any chance for regular, agreed meet-ups to just chat and interact without any pressure. Go somewhere safe, so, not his bedroom or yours, and talk about life, not specifically his 'issues'. You'll get a feeling from this as to whether he's drifting further away or coming back, and within a couple of months, worst case, can make some decisions for your own wellbeing. 1
NavyAirTraffic Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 It might mean either: he wants space, he wants to be with other people, he wants to have fun by himself, he doesn't want to answer to anyone, etc., etc. (on and on). You're not a mind reader and neither are we. I/you/we know 1 thing for sure, he doesn't want to be with you (although possibly temporary), and he's willing to lose you. Question: if you love someone, if you love spending time with them, if you want to be with that person forever, if that person enhances your life, would you ever take the chance of losing them by taking a break? 3
Author apocalypse Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 However, and I reckon this might be important - it can't be an open cheque. There should be reasonable limits to the 'alone time'. You are going to be frustrated and anxious during this time, and god knows what boyfriend is up to. You can't let it string along for ages, years maybe, to get to a resolution. You bring up a great point. I'm worried about being dragged along while he takes some space from our relationship. I'm unsure about how to set reasonable limits to the amount of time he gets space because I don't want him to feel like I'm forcing him to interact with me. I also don't want to be waiting around if "space" really means breaking up. In his e-mail he said I could call him to discuss the situation, but that his decision for time apart was non-negotiable. It made me feel like he was not actually interested in hearing from me. I'm not even sure when or if I should respond to him to acknowledge I received his e-mail. I would like to know if this means no more monogamy. I think that's a deal breaker for me, even while on a break. I know it's a topic only he can answer but I'm feeling too shut out to ask him.
carhill Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 OP, in your circumstances, given your relationship history, it's highly likely another person or past ex is involved. People generally don't 'need space' during the holidays and rarely cancel all couple plans arbitrarily on a whim.
Author apocalypse Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 Question: if you love someone, if you love spending time with them, if you want to be with that person forever, if that person enhances your life, would you ever take the chance of losing them by taking a break? No, I would not. I actually have strong feelings about that. I feel that my love for him and appreciation of him is greater than any risk of losing him by taking a break. We broke up once before during which I learned that lesson to it's very core. I guess his feelings on this matter differ than mine. Also, it's tough to see it in print that he doesn't want to be with me, though it may only be temporary. It does seem like he's willing to lose me, doesn't it? That makes me feel sick. Thank you for your response. 1
LifeUnexpected27 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I know I would definitely want to know what he expects of you during this time. What I mean is...are you allowed to start looking for others? date others? sleep with others? This doesn't mean he gets to dictate what he wants and your opinion doesn't matter! If he says you are welcome to sleep with others and that is a deal breaker then you will need to tell him and see if he's willing to change that and if not, then I think you have your answer on his intentioins after the break. I think its absolutely appropriate for you to say, you expect to hear from him within a month or whatever you feel comfortable. Lay out your own guidelines and let him know.
NavyAirTraffic Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 (edited) No, I would not. That was a loaded question, OF COURSE NOT!!! If he wasn't willing to lose you to have "temporary" space (whatever the hell that means), he wouldn't ask for space. Sorry to say this but his question probably went like this... "If you don't mind spending time with them, if you can't really see yourself with that person forever, if you spend time with that person just to kill time, would you take the chance of losing them by taking a break? This is just a guess, I don't know what he's thinking. We KNOW is his answer to the other question!! Edited December 19, 2012 by NavyAirTraffic 1
Author apocalypse Posted December 22, 2012 Author Posted December 22, 2012 (edited) OP, in your circumstances, given your relationship history, it's highly likely another person or past ex is involved. People generally don't 'need space' during the holidays and rarely cancel all couple plans arbitrarily on a whim. Nah, it's just not his style. We talked some on Tuesday night to define what "space" is supposed to mean. Since then we have not talked or texted each other. I'm starting to feel upset over the lack of contact. Edited December 22, 2012 by apocalypse
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 Its someone else. This sounds incredibly mean and insensitive, but I'm willing to bet he likes someone or is in the talking stage or anything like that. My ex showed NOTHING of those features, then went on a "break" and told me she would be back and swore. Then a month later, she is talking to someone she had a crush on. I.stood up for her with everyone I talked to saying "there is no way"....then the way happened. 1
NoMoreJerks Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 I/you/we know 1 thing for sure, he doesn't want to be with you (although possibly temporary), and he's willing to lose you. Question: If you love someone, if you love spending time with them, if you want to be with that person forever, if that person enhances your life, would you ever take the chance of losing them by taking a break? this. This.
NoMoreJerks Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 OP, in your circumstances, given your relationship history, it's highly likely another person or past ex is involved. People generally don't 'need space' during the holidays and rarely cancel all couple plans arbitrarily on a whim. Agreed on this one too. There is a high likelihood that this is the case. In fact, a few days before my ex broke up with me (today), I found out that his ex was traveling back to his country for the holidays and was going to meet up with a "select" friends and acquaintainces. Note that my ex had never broken contact with her. He was still in touch with her. I dare say that my ex cancelled his holiday plans to come visit me over CHristmas, because he got some sort of a mssg from his ex and thought he stood a chance of getting back together with her (reminds me of Pavlovian effect).
NoMoreJerks Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 Nah, it's just not his style. It's never "their style" until they do it and you find out. Yeah.
Recommended Posts