ned_slade Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Sorry in advance for the novel-sized first post! I was with a girl for a little over a year. A couple of months into the relationship, we broke up because we were fighting all of the time. After a month and a half, we both realized that we were in love and didn't want to live without one another. The following months were the best months of my life, and any time we fought, we managed to work it out, like any normal couple. I knew, and still know, that this is the girl for me. I am head-over-heels in love, and I want to marry her. Fast forward to now, things have fallen apart. Toward the end of the relationship, I was behaving in a very neglectful manner, and was somehow unaware of this. She was constantly wanting to have sex, and I was always too tired, or not in the mood. After a while of this, she brought it up with me and told me that it was a problem, so I told her that I would work on it. She said we needed to have sex at least once every two weeks, or she would break up with me. Three weeks later, we had only had sex once, and she was not satisfied. I pointed out that I had fulfilled the once every two weeks rule so far, and she sort of backed off. Then, a week or two later, she said that we needed to talk. I instinctively knew what was wrong. I knew she was going to break up with me. I was right. She said that she owed me an apology for saying that sex was so important to her, and that that wasn't the real problem. The real problem was that she just felt like she needed to be alone. I was blindsided by this, because I still wanted to spend my life with her. There were plenty tears that night, both before and after I left her house. But in the following days, I just couldn't accept that what she had said was the whole story. I thought about it, and I realized what a huge d-bag I had been to her. I didn't spend enough time with her. I was not very open to being wrong about anything (typical Scorpio). And not having sex with her all the time, WTF was I thinking?? She is the most beautiful girl ever, and she wanted me all the time and I turned her down. I have never been so mad at myself! I also "never had time". As I am in two bands and have a job, my life is hectic enough without throwing a girlfriend in the mix. But there she was, being neglected. Realizing all of the mistakes I was making, I bought her an orchid (she loves orchids), went to her house, and apologized. I told her that she meant so much to me that I would quit my bands, and I would be happy with that, if it meant that I could be with her. We had a long conversation in which she told me all of the things I did wrong (which I have mentioned most of), and told me that I really hurt her, and she was worried I would do it again. Since then, I have really realized what an ***hole I can be. And to everyone, not just her. I have gone through my phone book and called people, apologizing for the things I have done to wrong them. I have done a crazy amount of self-reflecting. I've always known I was a stubborn man, but I've always just copped out saying that's just how I am. Now that this has happened, I have realized that I am in control of "how I am", and have made internal steps to be that better man. We met up again last night. We were going to just eat sushi, watch a little TV, then I would leave. I ended up there for 5 hours. We were even watching Halloween (the movie that originally brought us back together), so I took it as a sign. I caressed her back and legs. Tried to hold her hand. Nothing. I said, "Do you wanna make out?" (She is the type that loves up front romantic stuff.) She said she didn't want to make out because her tummy hurt from all the food, but also because of other reasons that we could talk about. So we talked about them. She told me again that she was just really hurt by me and that she wasn't sure if she could trust me. I told her that she is the one for me, I would never hurt her or do her wrong again, and I want to marry her. She got shy and hid her face in the blankets, only looking at me with one eye. In her eye, I could see the joy in hearing that she is the only one for me and I want to marry her. I told her everything about how I was copping out saying that's just how I am. I told her I couldn't imagine life without her. This went on for a bit, and it mostly ended with me saying that how I hurt her would never ever happen again, but she was feeling pressured and was upset that she hadn't had any space since the break up. I told her that I hadn't given her space because the thought of her sleeping with someone else broke my heart. It tore it out of my chest, stomped on it with a stiletto heel, set it on fire, then threw it in a lake for the fish to eat. I suggested that maybe, even if we stay single right now, she can use me as a booty call any time. She said that I would be the first one she would call, and I hope she meant it. So, this is the next day, 24 hours later, day one of me giving her time and space. I'm not going to call her or text her until I hear from her first, if I can avoid it. We're planning to not see each other for a week. I'm really terrified that I'm going to lose the love of my life, but I don't know what to do. People on the internet say to play mind games and act like I am not interested, but that is cruel, and I am not a liar, and I wouldn't be able to hide that from her through a life-long relationship, if we entered into one. I have tried not to leave anything out. This has been, hands down, the worst week of my life. I have had two meals in the last 72 hours, and have had to get multiple shifts at work covered in the last week. Please help me with any advice. Specifically, does it seem like she will take me back?
NavyAirTraffic Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 but she was feeling pressured and was upset that she hadn't had any space since the break up. She felt this way because she decided a loooong time ago to break up with you, this didn't happen overnight. You saying these things are going against her core belief "I don't want to be with him". Questions for you: how old are you two, how many gf's have you had (slept with)?
Author ned_slade Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 I'm 34, she's 23. I am pretty reserved, so she is the 6th girl I have slept with. Third serious relationship I have been in.
NavyAirTraffic Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 thought of her sleeping with someone else broke my heart. It tore it out of my chest, stomped on it with a stiletto heel, set it on fire, then threw it in a lake for the fish to eat. Thank you. Here are some hard truths that I had to deal with (forced myself to deal with) right after my ex broke up with me. As I said before, she has decided to not be with you. It takes A LOT to utter those words. There is nothing you can do to get her back, talking, showering with gifts, nothing you can do. You can only do things to not get her back. When I break up with someone it's almost a relief. She WILL sleep with someone else. I know, it's hard to stomach, you probably stopped reading right about here, but she will sleep with someone else. When my ex broke up with me I looked at all of my ex's and it hit me!! 100% of my ex's have slept with someone else. So the probability of my most recent ex sleeping with someone else was not only high, it was inevitable. 2 scenarios- -1.) You fight for her- She broke up with you for a reason, so by trying to pull her close when she's trying to get away, you'll only drive her away farther and faster... She inevitably will sleep with someone else -2.) You let her go- The most admirable thing to do, "she doesn't want to be with me then I don't want to be with her". You'll have your dignity, keep your head held high. This also gives you the highest probability of getting her back one day. She broke up with you, you acquiesce. She will think more highly of you down the road. However she will sleep with someone else, you don't know if or when she'll come back. These are the truths you are going to deal with, and some choices you'll have to make. I know it hurts and sucks my friend.
Author ned_slade Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 Well, as I said, this is day one of us not talking, and we're supposed to see one another in a week or so. I have written her a letter stating that I know I screwed up and that there are a lot of things about myself that need work. I said again that I do see myself marrying her, but I also said that I know I hurt her, and she didn't deserve to be hurt, so maybe that means I don't deserve her. I ended the letter saying that I want her to have the most amazingly perfect life, and if that means a life without me, so be it. I said I love her, and I want her to be happy. I actually just put it in the mail. Was this a mistake, or does it sound enough like I am letting her go?
Author ned_slade Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 Also, what about her saying I would be the first one she would call? We always had amazing sex (confirmed by both of us), and she has always been pretty honest with me. Sure, she didn't tell me some things in the end, but I know she would never blatantly lie to me, as I would not to her.
NavyAirTraffic Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 She already knows you feel that way (you've told her), she knows you love her, she knows you want to be with her but she doesn't care. If she did, she'd be with you!! Those heart filled letters/emails/texts mean less to her than it does to you. Mistake or not, it's done. As I explained above, you have 2 paths to walk going forward. I hope you choose wisely.
Author ned_slade Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 I assume you are ignoring my other question because you think she is BSing me?
NavyAirTraffic Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Not ignoring it. Overall she broke up with you. If her goal was to be with you forever, only sleep with you forever, do you think breaking up with you is the best course of action to achieve her goal?
Author ned_slade Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 I broke up with her last time... It's not always so black and white.
jjmx Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Hey man, first of all i want to say that i feel your pain, your anxiety, and impatience. It is SUPER hard to let someone go when you are so attached to them. Let me tell you a little of what happened to me not too long ago. I was in a relationship with this the love of my life you know, and of course i still see her that way. I ended hurting her along the way as well. Just in a differnt manner from yours. And when that happened she completely ignored me for 4 and 1/2 months, no communications whatsoever, see i had lied to her. I cheated on her while we had decided to take a break from one another. To me it was a break, but to her it never was. odd thing that is but thats what happened. So we didnt speak for that long and when she finally made contact with me I was the HAPPIEST man on heart. I love her just as much as you probably love this woman. And i did everything that i didnt do before. I gave her the my best. and our relationship flourished like none other. I had had a short of realization about myself, kinda like you had done in those 4 months of silence from her. That it made me want to be the BEST she could of ever had. apperently that wasn't enough! 7 months after we had gotten back together she broke it off. from one day to the next. I did not see this coming either. And i mean i tried to do EVERYTHING that was possible to get her back and just talk. But that only pushed her further away, i send her a letter as well. at the time i thought it was a good idea, that it would make her see how pure my love was. BUT i now see that was a mistake. When a girl makes a decision like that they have definitely thought about it for some time, even though to us it was from one morning to the next. Its crazy i know. To make matters worse I found out through facebook and other media that she was already dating someone only a month later of leaving me. When i confronted her about it she ignored me, didnt txt back, changed her cell number, moved from where she lived, eventually quit her job, so i have no way of contacting her but through email. But of course i earlier i tried to simply get her to understand that TO ME it felt like she was making a mistake by leaving me. All i wanted for her was happiness and nothing more. But if they can not trust you, or if they just simply have a doubt they wont come back. She hasn't. That guy broke up with her only 3 months into their relationship and im assuming she had sex with him! that thought just destroys us. Its been a total of 6 months since we left one another, she has already slept with someone else. and now is ignoring me like if im the one that did or commit a mistake. so my advise to you is to just try your hardest to not talk to her. Dont say how much you love her, dont ever mention the past, just dont speak to her unless she does. That letter you send her was probably a mistake.
Chi townD Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I don't know, dude. Something's got my spidey senses tingling. She's a girl that wants sex and needs A LOT of sex and turning inito a girl that wants to be "alone". That's not sitting right with me. Red flag, dude. People can't turn off their sexual drive like a light switch.
NavyAirTraffic Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 I broke up with her last time... It's not always so black and white. So you broke up with her with the intention of getting her back? Does this sound like healthy behavior? Ok, so we've established that 100% of your ex's have remained your ex's. 100% of your ex's have slept with someone else. What makes you think that this one will be different? Not trying to be harsh but it sounds like you came to LS to hear what you wanted to hear, and it's making you upset to hear anything different?
White Wedding Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 How long has it been between the time you started making the changes and now? She might need time to make sure you'll really stick to the changes before she can trust you again. It sounds like you made a lot of changes that would have helped, but you made them too late. Do these changes really improve your life, improve you as a person? Then great! Stick to them, let yourself be happy without her. If she tells you she wants to try again, great. If she doesn't, you've still overhauled your life in a way that makes you a happier person. And you'll be a better partner for the next girl.
Author ned_slade Posted December 22, 2012 Author Posted December 22, 2012 How long has it been between the time you started making the changes and now? She might need time to make sure you'll really stick to the changes before she can trust you again. It sounds like you made a lot of changes that would have helped, but you made them too late. Do these changes really improve your life, improve you as a person? Then great! Stick to them, let yourself be happy without her. If she tells you she wants to try again, great. If she doesn't, you've still overhauled your life in a way that makes you a happier person. And you'll be a better partner for the next girl. Not much time has passed, to be fair, and I definitely see your point there. The changes do improve my life, and I will stick to them. We hung out again for a few hours last night, and it was her idea. Which is great when I see her, but then it breaks my heart even more to not hear from her at all for the next day. Who knows if I'll hear from her tomorrow? The fact that we are hanging out at all gives me hope though. I am not ready to give up on her. There are way too many bonds that we share, way too many interests, and way too many quirks in our relationship that I have never experienced in another. I can't just give up.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 Not much time has passed, to be fair, and I definitely see your point there. The changes do improve my life, and I will stick to them. We hung out again for a few hours last night, and it was her idea. Which is great when I see her, but then it breaks my heart even more to not hear from her at all for the next day. Who knows if I'll hear from her tomorrow? The fact that we are hanging out at all gives me hope though. I am not ready to give up on her. There are way too many bonds that we share, way too many interests, and way too many quirks in our relationship that I have never experienced in another. I can't just give up. You sound like a cool dude and what not and it's nice to see someone "fight" for the relationship.....I'm going to be blunt with you because people have and still are with me with my ex: The outlook doesn't look good. She is having a hard time too and probably needed that comfort you provided last night, but again, it's an uphill battle with banana peels everywhere. Some of the best advice I get is from navy down there. He can be brash, but he is a straight shooter and is usually right. There is a large chance your ex WILL sleep with someone else. My ex was a virgin until me, and without saying it directly, she told me the other day she did with another guy. Most loyal girl ive ever met got her some from another guy. It so painful to think about, but it happens....Most every girl when breaking up has a motive, even if they don't say it to you. Cute guy that flirts with her, wanting to "explore", etc. Most girls do not leave without a gameplan already intact. Now, it may not always be the opposite sex, but can very well be too. If you care, do NOT give up, but realize there is a stronger possibility I can beat Dwayne Johnson in a fist fight. Good luck to you man.
sotoman Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 i think that only time can tell. leave her alone for the week. find things to keep you busy. if she really wants you, she will text or call before the week ends. if you keep pestering her, she will become more distant and less interested. do something that will impress her! but dont tell her about it until she makes contact. ive broken up with a girl, and gotten back together before. its painful, but it can happen. you just need to be patient, but also be willing to accept it if its final. good luck.
ryanmatthews58 Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 The best thing to do right now is give her space. Even though it sounds very counterproductive, but trust me it's very important. For a week or so have no contact with her. This does not mean do it in a mean or nasty way. Just steer clear of her. While you're giving her space it's time for you to do some internal work. You need to figure out if you two are right for each other and if you really want to get back with her. If you think you two are right for each other you need to begin the process of mending the relationship. You do that by first accepting yourself and what has happened in the past. You need to be confident in yourself and your actions. Once you do this it's time to meet with her in a mature and responsible manner. When I broke up with my ex last summer (we worked it out) I found an article to help a ton. http://www.winningyourgirlfriendback.com/article/ It really puts things into perspective and got me to calm down and take it slow which is real important during emotional situations like this. I hope it helps and best of luck
NavyAirTraffic Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 (edited) I can't just give up. if you can't, you can't. Another member can't either, his most recent thread, take a look frederickkk next move Edit: and he's been doing that for MONTHS Edited December 22, 2012 by NavyAirTraffic
Tmo2 Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 (edited) 2 scenarios- You fight for her- She broke up with you for a reason, so by trying to pull her close when she's trying to get away, you'll only drive her away farther and faster... She inevitably will sleep with someone else You let her go- The most admirable thing to do, "she doesn't want to be with me then I don't want to be with her". You'll have your dignity, keep your head held high. This also gives you the highest probability of getting her back one day. She broke up with you, you acquiesce. She will think more highly of you down the road. However she will sleep with someone else, you don't know if or when she'll come back. These are the truths you are going to deal with, and some choices you'll have to make. I know it hurts and sucks my friend. This is the truth - I tried both myself, and the effects are the same. Once you state your position to her (What you want) There is nothing more you can do. Girls aren't all mature about relationships and aren't all ready to settle down. Being mature and moving on is the best thing you can do for yourself. It can also have a huge impact on her. Being honest with your needs and being unwilling to settle for less will show her and yourself your worth. She might start thinking herself about what she wants... With time, she will mature, only god knows when its going to happen, but when she does she will undoubtly think about you and what you wanted/offered. The Breakup experience should be taken to grow up and think about what we truly want, then go and find it. Edited December 22, 2012 by Tmo2
movingon12 Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 T When I broke up with my ex last summer (we worked it out) I found an article to help a ton. Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back | Dating With James Bryan I notice you've advertised this article on quite a few of your posts. I was wondering, since working it out last summer, are you still with your, um, 'ex'?
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