jp101 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I know at the end of the day this choice is entirely up to me. I have been dating this girl coming up on the one year mark. We met at work and were good friends before a relationship was established. We dated casually for a couple of months before any sort of commitment solely to each other was made. During those couple of months though there was nobody else on the side for either of us. After the relationship started we seemed to have gotten so close so fast and this year has honestly dragged on in a sense of we feel like we have known each other forever now. We've had one pretty petty fight in our time together, most of our disagreements are not given the chance to escalate passed a heated discussion. We know we care for each other and would not go to sleep while we are upset at each other. We do not really go out and party or drink, no drugs involved, and she has one male friend who is her ex of 2yrs (they've known each other for 10yrs). This was briefly an issue but was resolved through some talking. Okay so thats the ground work of our relationship. She is 21 I am 25. I live on my own and she lives with a family member. We have been talking about moving in with each other but that has been put on hold. Our seemingly perfect relationship came to a screeching halt in a matter of 3 days. We had a fight that ended with her leaving my apartment early in the AM. The details of the fight are very minor and I believe it was just built up tension since we had not fought in a very long time, fighting is healthy sometimes right? Shortly after she left she called and we were okay again. But we could not see each other for a couple of days because she had a medical situation and her insurance is not in the county I live in. After coming back from this 2 day trip while staying with her mother, all of a sudden she is not texting me the same way so i felt something off in the relationship. Turns out she has a very large cyst and may lose her ovary soon so she is extremely stressed. Whats worse is her insurance will not cover any sort of medication or surgery until early January, so she has a few weeks to wait before any sort of answer is given as to what the next step is. On top of this I had previously convinced her to go back to college, so she is registered and starts at the same time I do (though I am approaching my final semester). She also does not wish to live with her current family member anymore, and now all of a sudden wants to join Active Duty for the military (she has a history of military services). Now all of a sudden, she does not have time for a relationship and needs space to "get her priorities straight." -_- I'm no idiot, I usually know what that means, especially given her age. And I know for a fact I treated this girl the way a girl should be treated, giving her a world of happiness while not becoming her red carpet. We were equal in everything we did always. So her being mistreated is not the case. I also know it is not a physical appearance type thing. She knows that I enjoy my video game time with my brother but I am also very physically active and stay in above average shape. We don't have much sex, but sex is not everything in our relationship. When we do have sex though it's amazing and leaves us dead for the night. I wish there was some sort of glaring problem I could explain but there honestly is not. That is our relationship in a nutshell, and if there was some sort of detail that could possibly explain I would to paint a better picture, but there is honestly nothing else to say besides the fact that she claims to have severe mental instability due to a past relationship that left her very scared of trusting anyone, but that never seemed to be the case with me. So after the initial breakup she still called and text me all day as normal, minus the pet names and the "love you". Day after the breakup we sat together on break and after some awkward conversation we kissed and both whispered "i miss you" in each others ear. Another couple of days later we went to go see a movie together, but no sort of hugging or kissing occurred. Another couple of days later and a simple text asking her to go skating with me turned into us agreeing that being friends is complicated right now and she has to focus with what is on her plate right now (i assume this means the surgery and school starting and her debating joining the military). "When and if im ready i will let you know, but for right now I need to focus on myself. I know it sounds selfish but that's how it is right now. This isn't about anyone else, I need to be single." I know in my head it's time to move on, although it has only been 4-5 days, and not even 1 day since this conversation happened. But honestly why give up on something so good, so easily? I know I shouldn't wait and to stop contact, but is that the best choice? I'm strong, but lost.
GraceisGone Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 That is exactly what I heard, and the breakup sounds very similar to mine. You can treat them like a queen (like I did and it sounds like you did too), but in the end, it sounds like she doesn't feel the same anymore. It sucks, but it seems all too common. Maybe one day she will realize what she missed out on, maybe she won't. It really is a terrible feeling, to have something so good, then have it taken from you all of a sudden. You should just leave it alone and work on yourself, as hard as that may be to accept. I hate how girls (and I'm sure guys do it often too) beat around the real problem. They come up with excuses (I don't have time for a r-ship, I need to work on myself, etc.) and don't just straight up tell you the problem. They leave you guessing. With my ex, it seems like everytime there was a problem, she would supress it and I would have to force it out of her. I don't think that is healthy in a relationship. It was unfair to me that I always expressed my feelings to her, but she always hid her's from me.
Author jp101 Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 Yea maybe she will maybe she won't. I've just decided to not contact her, although full nc is impossible since she works in my location. So I will see her every day. We even have the same days off. But I'm not going to mope around her. It's been less than a day and at this point only time will tell I guess. I can't help but feel like there is some other issue that was left unsaid. I do know she was intimidated by the things I had in my life but I always let her know that what's mine is hers. I don't feel like dwelling on what it could have been though. We aren't together anymore and now her window of opportunity is closing if she wishes to reconcile. I'm not rushing off for comfort with another girl but I'm not waiting for her for very long either.
movingon12 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I think you may be underestimating just how serious it is to find out you might lose an ovary. How would you feel if someone told you were going to lose a testicle? I'm not surprised she needs time alone to get her head around what's going on. That is MAJOR surgery. She might never be able to have children. Think for a moment what that must be like to be thinking about every day. Anyway, there may well be other issues. This might just be the final straw. I don't know. But I say cut the girl some slack.
Author jp101 Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 I appreciate your response, but it actually is not that serious of a surgery. Its a minor incision and she still has just as much a chance to have kids with one ovary than with two. I went with her to a medical clinic before her trip and they explained the procedure of if a surgery is necessary. I can see how someone can see this as a major stress factor though.
movingon12 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I appreciate your response, but it actually is not that serious of a surgery. Its a minor incision and she still has just as much a chance to have kids with one ovary than with two. I went with her to a medical clinic before her trip and they explained the procedure of if a surgery is necessary. I can see how someone can see this as a major stress factor though. I know: in theory it should be fine, and in theory she should still be able to have children with only half her eggs (but definitely not 'just as much chance' - it will probably take her twice as long as someone with two ovaries) - but it might not be fine, what if she gets a cyst on the other ovary, or if the other ovary isn't functioning properly, or something goes wrong in the operation... It's easy to look at it and think 'it's not big deal'. But it is.
Author jp101 Posted December 20, 2012 Author Posted December 20, 2012 So you're justifying our breakup because of a bunch of small probabilities? I don't think that's the big picture here. Care to elaborate? What would her having one ovary have to do with her wanting a relationship with me? Unless you mean to give her space, in which I said I am but we work together so full NC is impossible. We were able to laugh and carry a conversation today at work just fine while we were alone. So i'm confused as to what your point is. She knows I am very concerned about her whether or not she may even need the surgery, so it's not like i'm saying "lose an ovary and its over".
White Wedding Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 Going through something as scary as major surgery can really make someone reflect on their life. It's possible she wasn't happy in the relationship, and/or didn't feel like she had enough time to be single. She's making a lot of changes in her life right now and being single is one of them, unfortunately. The scare about her ovary probably triggered her reflecting on what she really wanted out of life.
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