oleale Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 me and my girlfriend of over two years broke up about 6 months ago. It wasn't messy, we're both young and felt like we'd been a relationship for too long and just needed some time to be single and live our lives (we're both 20). With this new found freedom, i hooked up with other girls; in the time we were apart, i slept with 2 girls. One of them was a one night stand. The other girl i actually liked and she liked me back. we hooked up a couple times over the course of 2 months and talked a little but it was really casual because neither one of us really wanted anything serious. I realize now that she was probably just a rebound because i later realized that i still had really strong feelings for my ex. so my ex found out about the one night stand and she was PISSED. i guess she had always kinda hoped that we would get back together. fast-forward two months and we're getting back together. I think she got over being pissed about the one night stand and forgives me(after all, we were broken up, i didn't cheat). Now my question is, should i tell her about the second girl? given her reaction to the one night stand, i feel like she wold be really really angry, especially because i actually liked the second girl and there were feelings involved. In my opinion, the second girl is a non-issue because she was just a rebound. me and my gf were broken up at the time so i had every right to see other girls. What are the chances that she would even find out about the second girl? i deleted any pics and messages i have of her. Since we were low-key hooking up, no one really knows that i had a thing with her. My girlfriends friends may have suspected that i was doing something with girl 2 but i can't imagine they would tell her just to spite me since they're my friends too. Opinions?
Arabella Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 You had every right to hook up with those girls, but she has every right to know so she can make an informed decision about being with you. Tell her and let her decide. -A 1
Mina Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 me and my girlfriend of over two years broke up about 6 months ago. It wasn't messy, we're both young and felt like we'd been a relationship for too long and just needed some time to be single and live our lives (we're both 20). You were separated. Broken up. She has no right to be upset when you did what a person does when they are single. 1
Arabella Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 (edited) You were separated. Broken up. She has no right to be upset when you did what a person does when they are single. It's not that easy to just rationalize it away when you have feelings for someone. Some time ago, I considered getting back together with an ex a few months after we'd broken up. If he had slept with anyone else in the meantime, I would have been crushed and never would've been able to touch him again. Hence, any possibility of reconciliation would've ended right there and then. He hasn't done anything wrong, no. But she does have the right to feel upset at the thought of another woman touching the man she loves... and she deserves to know. She may or may not be able to get over it if there were feelings involved. -A Edited December 18, 2012 by Arabella 3
Author oleale Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 Would she even want to know though? part of me feels like i wouldn't want to know what she was doing while we were apart. I just can't help but feel like if i tell her, she will without a doubt get mad, and she won't want to get back together. And all over what? a barely fling that doesn't even mean anything to me? if i were to tell her about it, how should i word it?
Mina Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 It's not that easy to just rationalize it away when you have feelings for someone. Some time ago, I considered getting back together with an ex a few months after we'd broken up. If he had slept with anyone else in the meantime, I would have been crushed and never would've been able to touch him again. Hence, any possibility of reconciliation would've ended right there and then. He hasn't done anything wrong, no. But she does have the right to feel upset at the thought of another woman touching the man she loves... and she deserves to know. She may or may not be able to get over it if there were feelings involved. -A It's in the exact same category as bringing up sexual past with new bf/gf. You can't get upset over something that happened when you're not together. It'd be one thing if it was him sleeping with dozens of girls in ONS, and making the risk of STD. But only 2 people. Not something to freak out over.
Arabella Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 It's in the exact same category as bringing up sexual past with new bf/gf. You can't get upset over something that happened when you're not together. It'd be one thing if it was him sleeping with dozens of girls in ONS, and making the risk of STD. But only 2 people. Not something to freak out over. You can try and rationalize it all day long... but it doesn't feel the same at all. Prior sexual encounters that happened when the two people did not have any romantic involvement are one thing. The man you love, who you thought loved you back, touching, wanting to be with another woman, and having feelings for her? That's a whole different story. If she got angry that he had a one-night stand, my take is that she will be much more upset that there was a second girl, AND he had feelings for her. All the more reason to tell her. 2
Mina Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 You can try and rationalize it all day long... but it doesn't feel the same at all. Prior sexual encounters that happened when the two people did not have any romantic involvement are one thing. The man you love, who you thought loved you back, touching, wanting to be with another woman, and having feelings for her? That's a whole different story. If she got angry that he had a one-night stand, my take is that she will be much more upset that there was a second girl, AND he had feelings for her. All the more reason to tell her. How does it not feel the same? If this were 3-4 years down the line, would it be the same? Would it be ok if he had other partners in that time and then the got back together? He had no obligation to consider her feelings after they broke up. Now that they are back together, sexual encounters outside of the relationship have no play in the relationship.
Author oleale Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 How should i tell her? how much should i tell her? what should i say about this girl? i don't want to lie to her but seeing as she got over the one-night stand thing, i guess i'm kinda hoping that maybe if i wait a while to tell her, she won't be mad? (or will she be more mad that i waited?)
Mina Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 How should i tell her? how much should i tell her? what should i say about this girl? i don't want to lie to her but seeing as she got over the one-night stand thing, i guess i'm kinda hoping that maybe if i wait a while to tell her, she won't be mad? (or will she be more mad that i waited?) You shouldn't tell her. There is no point. It's in the same category as previous sexual relationships. It's in the past. There is no changing it. 1
Author oleale Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 You shouldn't tell her. There is no point. It's in the same category as previous sexual relationships. It's in the past. There is no changing it. what if she found out down the line? would she be pissed? i just don't want to jeopardize us getting back together.
Mina Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 (edited) what if she found out down the line? would she be pissed? i just don't want to jeopardize us getting back together. I'm going to assume the two of you lost your virginity to each other, right? That's the only way I can rationalize why she would be upset. Otherwise, it's no different to previous relationships. Edited December 19, 2012 by Mina
Arabella Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 what if she found out down the line? would she be pissed? i just don't want to jeopardize us getting back together. She WILL find out down the line. We women have a way of finding out these things even if we wish we hadn't. And it will hurt her. Just tell her that in interest of having a fresh start, you feel full disclosure is best. Then tell her about the second girl, and how you felt that she was just a rebound. You're right.. she got over it once, she may very well get over it again. But she has the right to know and to make an informed choice. -A 1
Arabella Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 How does it not feel the same? If this were 3-4 years down the line, would it be the same? Would it be ok if he had other partners in that time and then the got back together? He had no obligation to consider her feelings after they broke up. Now that they are back together, sexual encounters outside of the relationship have no play in the relationship. Mina.. you clearly have completely rational approach and do not understand where I'm coming from... and that's okay. Some women are not capable of rationalizing it the way that you have, and this would hurt them (myself included)... and that's okay too. Different people, different relationships... do not advise him to do something just because YOU believe it's the right thing to YOU... when clearly his girl has already demonstrated how she feels about it. 1
Million.to.1 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Some time ago, I considered getting back together with an ex a few months after we'd broken up. If he had slept with anyone else in the meantime, I would have been crushed and never would've been able to touch him again. Hence, any possibility of reconciliation would've ended right there and then. He hasn't done anything wrong, no. But she does have the right to feel upset at the thought of another woman touching the man she loves... and she deserves to know. She may or may not be able to get over it if there were feelings involved. -A I don't understand this at all. It's all just insecurity and jealousy. Love is not exclusive. You can't expect someone to love you and only you... That never works. You just need to trust that you are number 1. The best relationships are when 2 people "choose" to be together, even though there may be other options for them. OP, you and your (ex) GF are still young. I don't believe that this brief period apart has set you up for a long haul yet. You weren't together and had EVERY RIGHT to get involved with someone new. You have said yourself that the relationship didn't mean much. So she was a nice person, attractive, and you liked her and that's ok. The fact that you have had the experience and made the "choice" to want your ex back should be the most important thing. My boyfriend (we are in a Long distance relationship) I haven't seen him for 2 years as we met on holiday and he lives on the other side of the world. We only just got back together and he is moving here to be with me. There is no bigger expression of love in my opinion than him being willing to give up his life there to be here with me. It's massive. He has been with other girls since we knew each other and who am i to be jealous? We weren't together. The fact that he hasn't met anyone who compared to me and what we shared is what is important. He has told me he thought of me all the time when with other girls. What sort of idiot would i be to to question his love for me now? He has had all the options in the world and he has CHOSEN ME over everyone. And that's awesome! I think you should tell her but leave out gory details. Just be honest and say that there was someone else that you liked and dated.. but the closer you became to her, the more you missed your Ex. If she gets mad, then she is dumb. The stupidity of some girls amazes me. All based on fear and insecurity and doesn't serve anything. 1
Author oleale Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 I'm going to assume the two of you lost your virginity to each other, right? That's the only way I can rationalize why she would be upset. Otherwise, it's no different to previous relationships. actually, yes we did. haha i'm really surprised that you can tell from her reaction
Mina Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Different people, different relationships... do not advise him to do something just because YOU believe it's the right thing to YOU... when clearly his girl has already demonstrated how she feels about it. You realize you are doing the exact same thing. Furthermore, given the age of the OP and his GF, immaturity is coming into play here. The fact of the matter is, it's already happened and in the past. There is a reason why a person's number and past are not talked about. All it will do is lead to further problems. They were broken up, and as he posted: we're both young and felt like we'd been a relationship for too long and just needed some time to be single and live our lives He did what young single people do. Nothing good will come out of disclosure. 1
Arabella Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I don't understand this at all. It's all just insecurity and jealousy. Love is not exclusive. You can't expect someone to love you and only you... That never works. You just need to trust that you are number 1. The best relationships are when 2 people "choose" to be together, even though there may be other options for them. [snip] If she gets mad, then she is dumb. The stupidity of some girls amazes me. All based on fear and insecurity and doesn't serve anything. So because you feel this way, means anyone else with a different perspective is wrong and you call them dumb and stupid? Wow. When it comes right down to it... she feels the way she feels and that's the end of it. All he can do is present it on the best light, and hope that she can handle it.
Author oleale Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 i guess i should clarify, even though i know i had to right to see other girls, at this point, i'm willing to shove my pride and do what is best for the relationship. I'm not trying to figure out how to justify to her that me seeing other girls was ok. Because quite frankly, i didn't do anything wrong. I just want to know, for the sake of getting back together and rebuilding our relationship, what is the best thing to do? i don't mind apologizing to her or what not. I just want to find the best way to get past this issue. 2
Mina Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 actually, yes we did. haha i'm really surprised that you can tell from her reaction Bingo. Alright, due to the fact that you were each other's first, there is this whole fantasy about "he will be the only man I sleep with in my life, etc." It's a naive position. But the thing is, she expects the same from you. While I still hold there is no need to tell her, if you do/if she finds out, it needs to be stated that you two were not together. It is no different from previous relationships. What would happen if you guys broke up again? Is she not expected to fall in love again because she or whomever she is with has slept with someone before. It's in the past, let it lie.
Arabella Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 You realize you are doing the exact same thing. Furthermore, given the age of the OP and his GF, immaturity is coming into play here. The fact of the matter is, it's already happened and in the past. There is a reason why a person's number and past are not talked about. All it will do is lead to further problems. They were broken up, and as he posted: He did what young single people do. Nothing good will come out of disclosure. She was upset when she found out he slept with another girl... and I can relate to that. That's where my advice is coming from. You're telling him that he should avoid telling her because it's in the past and it shouldn't matter. But the fact is... it matters to her, and because of that, she should know.
KraftDinner Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 You shouldn't tell her. There is no point. It's in the same category as previous sexual relationships. It's in the past. There is no changing it. I agree with this. But I have to say I disagree with Mina's other posts. She has a 'right' to feel whatever she wants about the information. But she doesn't have a 'right' to know. They weren't together. Whether or not he tells her is up to him. I don't think she needs to be told. He wasn't cheating. But if she asks directly, lying isn't a good idea. So that's tricky. Basically the right thing to do would be to just say you don't want to discuss it. That's tough, of course. But people have a right to feel whatever they feel. If she wants to end things with him, that's her right. If she wanted to end things with him because he wore red socks, that's also her right. But you don't need to tell her, OP -- you were broken up. You weren't cheating, which would be an entirely different scenario.
Million.to.1 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Now that the virginity thing has come up - i empathise a bit more. She is young, immature, and has alot to learn yet. I hate to say it, but she probably needs some bad experiences with men to truly appreciate real love and trust. She needs to be used, lied to, cheated on and dragged through the mud. Then maybe she will have some perspective to see what's really important. Maybe in 5 years, you guys will be ready to take it to the next level. But i don't like your chances of making this work now with her living in exclusive love da-da land.
Million.to.1 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 So because you feel this way, means anyone else with a different perspective is wrong and you call them dumb and stupid? Wow. When it comes right down to it... she feels the way she feels and that's the end of it. All he can do is present it on the best light, and hope that she can handle it. I'm sorry... I just think it's immature and doesn't serve either party anything. Did you read my post? Are you saying that if you were in my situation, that you wouldn't want the relationship because during that 2 years apart and 13,000kms of distance between you, it will "feel" different because he was with other people? How old are you? Are you religious? I didn't mean to insult you, really. I just feel that the only person you hurt is yourself by holding on to this insecurity.
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