TheBoredOne Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 (edited) I met this guy online and we talked through Facebook and text messages for about a month. From his pictures, I did feel some attraction, but naturally I do not tend to get head over heels for someone I have never met in real life before. We both had exams so a lot of that month was spent studying, which is why it took forever for a meet up. Eventually, we met up and he took me to the movies. Originally, I wanted a quick coffee for about an hour that way we could both pay our own way and if we weren't compatible, then at least he didn't spend money on me unnecessarily- but he insisted on a date so I agreed because I did want to meet him. The date went well, there were some awkward silences but overall I had a good time. The only thing was that he was far too forward. I don't feel comfortable with a lot of touching during the first date with someone I have never met IRL before (maybe I'm just weird, I don't know?) but he was all about putting his arm around me in the theatre and grabbing my waist when we were on the escalators after the movie. He even asked for a kiss when he dropped me off back at my place, which I did reluctantly because it would have been weird if I said no I guess? A major mistake, I know. I made sure to find my own way there though since I wouldn't get in a car with someone I didn't know, even though he insisted multiple times that he wanted to drive me to our date-- another thing I didn't like prior to meeting him, he would not listen to me but he eventually gave in. After the date we continued to text but I just wasn't feeling any sort of physical attraction to him. He had it all together otherwise, but at one point on the date I felt like I was just hanging out with one of my really good guy friends. He had an amazing personality but after our first kiss, I didn't see myself kissing him any further... I was not attracted at all. I decided that maybe he was a great guy and convinced myself to like him...so I agreed to a second date (another major mistake, I know) but I really wasn't feeling it once I really sat down and thought about it. I could not lead him on any longer, I felt horrible, enough was enough. So I told him straight up one day that I had a great time with him, and as much as I wanted to see him again, I didn't see anything coming from it, and that I didn't feel a connection. I also told him that I hope he finds someone who's right for him. He then messaged me back asking what made me come to the conclusion, that he thought I was amazing, that he thought the date went well and that he was sad I felt that way. He asked if we could talk about it the next day... but I didn't reply because I felt I had said what I had to say (Not sure if that was a mistake on my part, but I didn't feel like going into details about how I wasn't physically attracted to him since it's mean, and that he was too forward on the date) Anyways, my question is, do you owe someone a further explanation if they ask why when you simply say you don't feel the connection and no longer want to see them? I feel really bad because I could tell he had a good heart but I had to let him go. I feel like I handled this situation really poorly, even though it was my first meet up with someone online. Any advice is welcome. Edited December 18, 2012 by TheBoredOne
CarrieT Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Nope, you do not know him an explanation. You can just say that you don't think you are compatible. Leave it at that.
Imajerk17 Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 At least you were nice enough to get back to him. As a guy though, I can understand his confusion though. I mean, you DID schedule a second date with him and now you are telling him you aren't interested. Text him back and tell him that yes you agreed to the second date but the more you thought about it, the more you realized it wasn't a good idea. Also throw in that romantic chemistry is elusive for you. Something else you might want to consider is that one of things that people consider a drawback of online dating is that the "chemistry" has to be there from the very beginning or it's a no go. Many women decide whether or not they want to date a guy going on only one meeting, and it causes them to make some horrible decisions. There's no chance in OLD to get to know someone in a low-pressure way before you decide whether or not you want to date them. My point is that maybe you're being a bit rash. 1
suladas Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 You don't owe him anything further, but if you want to it doesn't hurt.
suladas Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 At least you were nice enough to get back to him. As a guy though, I can understand his confusion though. I mean, you DID schedule a second date with him and now you are telling him you aren't interested. Text him back and tell him that yes you agreed to the second date but the more you thought about it, the more you realized it wasn't a good idea. Also throw in that romantic chemistry is elusive for you. Something else you might want to consider is that one of things that people consider a drawback of online dating is that the "chemistry" has to be there from the very beginning or it's a no go. Many women decide whether or not they want to date a guy going on only one meeting, and it causes them to make some horrible decisions. There's no chance in OLD to get to know someone in a low-pressure way before you decide whether or not you want to date them. My point is that maybe you're being a bit rash. Depends on the reason. One date is enough for me if I don't find them attractive at all.
MrCastle Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 You don't have to go any further and I don't see how it would help either side. It would only create more tension if you were more specific as to why it didn't work. All he has to know is that there wasn't a connection. Where I'd have to fault you though, is 1.) agreeing to a kiss when you felt uncomfortable and 2.) agreeing to a second date when you felt nothing on the first date. Seems with a lot of women (at least on here) they do things they don't want to do, in order to spare feelings. In the end, it does more harm than good. Being honest with your feelings is better. If you did not contact him after date 1 or kiss him on that date, the message would have been received loud and clear and he would have moved on earlier. By going on date 2 you gave him false hope and allowed him to invest more feeling into you.
Mrlonelyone Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 What I'm a jerk said makes sense to me. OLD is so driven by "chemistry" and laundry list etc. How anyone manages to find anything more than a fling or FB that way is beyond me. (I'm still trying though it seems everyone I connect with is over 1000 miles away or looking for a poly relationship.) You don't owe and explanation. What he asked for is natural though since you did schedule a second date. Generally making a second date means you liked the first date. IMHO unless the person is disfigured or a total a-hole on date one, a second date is worth it just to affirm your initial impression.
Author TheBoredOne Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 By going on date 2 you gave him false hope and allowed him to invest more feeling into you. Sorry, I should have made this more clear, but I did not go on the second date with him, I agreed to it but didn't attend since before it happened I had messaged him saying I didn't feel a connection. I agree with the rest of what you said though, I did what I did to spare his feelings but it clearly did the opposite *sigh*
Imajerk17 Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 I will say this: You gave him a thoughtful kind explanation. I don't think kissing him back was a big injustice to the guy by any means. Agreeing to the second date wasn't a great idea though. Overall I think you didn't handle it that bad. 1
Cutiepie1976 Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 At least you were nice enough to get back to him. As a guy though, I can understand his confusion though. I mean, you DID schedule a second date with him and now you are telling him you aren't interested. Text him back and tell him that yes you agreed to the second date but the more you thought about it, the more you realized it wasn't a good idea. Also throw in that romantic chemistry is elusive for you. Something else you might want to consider is that one of things that people consider a drawback of online dating is that the "chemistry" has to be there from the very beginning or it's a no go. Many women decide whether or not they want to date a guy going on only one meeting, and it causes them to make some horrible decisions. There's no chance in OLD to get to know someone in a low-pressure way before you decide whether or not you want to date them. My point is that maybe you're being a bit rash. Sorry, but if octopus hands aren't your thing, they just aren't. I don't see that as rash at all.
Ami1uwant Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 My rules with OLD..... 1. If the first date goes well...and there are no red flags like they are some nut job or they lied about their age or what they wanted.....you do a second date and then decide. 2. Its true many in OLD will reject people they would have been happy with if they met them in real life and dated. 3. From a guy who has dated numerous times...I would appreciate an honest explanation as to why you didnt want to date again when in person you said yes. I am different where I have no problem in having opposite sex friends so if you didnt feel it on the first date but you liked who I was then its ok I wont bite. I also respect the idea of you seemed to click better with this other guy.
ebt100 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 You don't really owe him an explanation, but an honest one would actually help him move forward. Whatever you do, I don't think it is nice to intimate that you want to be "friends" or "still hang out"... that doesn't help matters at all by saying that. Now, is it that he was too forward, or you are not physically attractive? If you saw his photos on facebook, why did you go out with him at all?
Cutiepie1976 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 What I'm a jerk said makes sense to me. OLD is so driven by "chemistry" and laundry list etc. How anyone manages to find anything more than a fling or FB that way is beyond me. (I'm still trying though it seems everyone I connect with is over 1000 miles away or looking for a poly relationship.) You don't owe and explanation. What he asked for is natural though since you did schedule a second date. Generally making a second date means you liked the first date. IMHO unless the person is disfigured or a total a-hole on date one, a second date is worth it just to affirm your initial impression. I think there are three choices at the end of a first OLD date: yes, maybe, no. For me at least, almost everyone was a clear yes/no decision. I will say, I had a handful (four) where I wasn't sure. The maybes all became nos with additional dates. So really, I was just wasting the guy's time by trying to give him a chance, and getting his hopes up for nothing. That's unfair. It sounds good to give people extra chances when you aren't sure or aren't feeling it. It sounds like a "nice" thing to do, but really you're just prolonging the inevitable. Second guessing how you feel does more harm than good IMO. Most OLD dates are not going to click, just as IRL, most of the time a guy asks me or anyone else out, the answer will be no. I think the rates of a "click" are about the same. Six or seven billion people all searching for "the one." There are going to be lots of misfires and mostly dead ends from the trial and error. Okay, that sounded so hopeless and terrible! I've depressed even me!
Imported Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 No, you're better off not saying ****. Anything you say is going to be taken badly, regardless. Maybe even spit back in your face. Tell them, not interested, because you're not interested and cut contact. End of story. 1
Cutiepie1976 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 OP, you don't have to provide an explanation. What you said is perfectly fine. BTW, if you don't want to kiss him, don't. You can tell him you don't want to kiss on a first date, turn your cheek, turn around as if you didn't see it coming (crossed signals type thing), etc. Personally, I try to signal through body language how I feel before it even becomes an issue since many guys stress about whether to kiss. l. If I'm interested I stand fairly close, have my head turned up to him (if he's taller) and gaze in his eyes as he talks. If it's not welcome, I'm nice but I keep my distance, particularly near the end of the date, and make it difficult to even attempt ...a schoolbus of children could get between us. It's up to you to set your boundaries where those feel comfortable for you. There are generally "nice" ways to do this. Even if there weren't, his possible embarassment is no reason to go further than you want to.
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