wanting more Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 how long were your WSs As? Just curious. I know ONS or long term As are still As but I was just wondering. Is it easier (only word I can think of. I know it's not easy ond way or the other) if its a ONS of long term affair.
frozensprouts Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 my husband's affair, from the first time she emailed him wanting help with a "problem" until it's final day was about four months ( about two and a half months of that was an emotional affair)...can't say if that was easier or harder or the same as if it had been longer
Spark1111 Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 1.5 years. I tend to believe there had to have been 4 to 5 months of EA that preceeded it.
96nole Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Since I recently found some pictures on my computer that make me believe she knew him at least 3 months before she claimed to have even met him, I'm going to have to say, I don't really know.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 how long were your WSs As? Just curious. I know ONS or long term As are still As but I was just wondering. Is it easier (only word I can think of. I know it's not easy ond way or the other) if its a ONS of long term affair. I estimate the EA lasted about one month and the PA lasted 3 months. I have asked myself this question (and others similar) and I have concluded that the different scenarios do not make much difference in making it "easier". What hurts more, the fact that a cheating spouse cheated without thinking about it (ONS), or cheated after thinking about it for along time (Long Term)? They both hurt for different reasons. It's hurtful to know that a cheating spouse would betray wedding vows so easily without considering the consequences. It is equally hurtful to think that a cheating spouse would betray wedding vows AFTER considering the consequences. Given the fact that a cheating spouse would cheat without giving it a second thought (ONS) is troublesome because it indicates that it could easily happen again. It also shows how little the cheating spouse valued the marriage and the betrayed spouse. Given the fact that a cheating spouse would cheat after giving it considerable thought is equally troublesome because it indicates that the spouse decided to cheat regardless of the damage and hurt it will cause. It shows malice and intent. Does it hurt any more or less if the cheating spouse loved or didn't love the AP? Similar dynamics come into play. Both scenarios suck but for different reasons. I do find it interesting to know that my mind went straight to the drunken ONS scenario once she told me that she was "unfaithful". The fact that my wife was capable of an ongoing affair was a shock to my psyche. Goes to show how denial is the first response. 2
Author wanting more Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 Thanks. I was just curious about lengths of As
Ninja'sHusband Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 4 months. Length made a difference, she told me it had been one night. But the lie also made a big difference. We are divorcing. Mandatory waiting period will be up 1 week from now.
Cali408 Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Friends for 15 years, emotional for 3 and change, physical for 2 and change with the last 18 months being extremely intense.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Worked with him for 7 years, A lasted 7 weeks. I had long thought that she had some feelings for him based on how his name kept popping up in the "how was your day" conversations... Mr. Lucky
nofool4u Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 how long were your WSs As? Just curious. I know ONS or long term As are still As but I was just wondering. Is it easier (only word I can think of. I know it's not easy ond way or the other) if its a ONS of long term affair. Not very long. My x-wife's cheating episodes where a series of girls night out encounters. The OM, who she is now with, at the end, the affair probably lasted about a year.
drifter777 Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Length didn't matter to me at all. My wife had a ONS with one guy and a 3 week live-in tryst with another. She told me after the ONS and after she met the live-in guy that she was ending our marriage. Period. I guess they were both really short-term things, but both incidents hurt and disgust me for similar and different reasons. I might have a different opinion if she had carried on behind my back and lied to my face for some period of time, but the devastation of what she did and the way she told me has left a permanent scar on my soul. I think it's about the pain and shock of the betrayal and things like length and frequency are secondary issues. 2
underwater2010 Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 A little over a year. I think a one nighter, with one person, one time would have been easier. But one nighter with multiple women....worse. 1
2sure Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 A 4 year affair can be as important or meaningless as a ONS. Depends on why the BS is cheating. My x had many dates, several ONS, a few Long term EAs over 4 years. All the same. 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 A 4 year affair can be as important or meaningless as a ONS. Depends on why the BS is cheating. My x had many dates, several ONS, a few Long term EAs over 4 years. All the same. You're probably right. What really made a difference was that I found out she had actually skipped class to go to a hotel. It wasn't some spur of the moment thing in the back of a car after talking for a long time. It was the degree of planning and deliberateness that made a diff for me. And the 3 months of lying in therapy.
2sure Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 You're probably right. What really made a difference was that I found out she had actually skipped class to go to a hotel. It wasn't some spur of the moment thing in the back of a car after talking for a long time. It was the degree of planning and deliberateness that made a diff for me. And the 3 months of lying in therapy. I know, I get it. And how you feel is how you feel and it's valid. My ex created a whole other persona for his cheating. Had a car I didn't know he owned. Elaborate planning? Check! It's totally the lies while looking me in the eye. The sex, the OW, the length of time with each...as meaningless to me as it was to him. It's the Lies . 4
Ninja'sHusband Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 I know, I get it. And how you feel is how you feel and it's valid. My ex created a whole other persona for his cheating. Had a car I didn't know he owned. Elaborate planning? Check! It's totally the lies while looking me in the eye. The sex, the OW, the length of time with each...as meaningless to me as it was to him. It's the Lies . What a mind trip...I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I couldn't believe what I was reading when I read some of your earlier accounts
2sure Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 What a mind trip...I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I couldn't believe what I was reading when I read some of your earlier accounts Oh hey, you know what? I didn't get to that place all at once. In his defense, I have a broken man picker. X
BetrayedH Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 My W's affair was 13-months. Who knows how long it would have continued if there wasn't a Dday. I certainly "wished" that her affair had been a drunken ONS but after having read here so extensively, it is clear that those BSs hurt just as badly. The dynamics are just different. 2
ComingInHot Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Wanting; My husband's A began October of Eight and ended in Feb of Online( I hate my tablet won't let me use numbers!!) She tried to rekindle that Aug. But WH kept it online and only enough to play victim and be her"bff" In Jan. Of twenty ten, he non-chalantely ran past me trying to hire her but Everyone said NO, she wasn't a good fit &she was trouble... Actually that is sill what bothers me the most.
beenburned Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Whether it's a series of ONS or an affair, it's still cheating, lies, and betrayals. In order to protect yourself in the future, you need to dig deep to figure out the WS's intentions behind the cheating. Whether it was a one time bad decision or a lifestyle choice. Use the above information to try and determine if the WS is capable of long term change, before recommitting to them.(both their attitudes and actions) As for what I personally think is the worse kind of cheating is the long term love affair. It means lots of intentional deliberate choices which they know will devastate the BS and they don't care. Even worse is the WS that knows positively that their spouse would never want to be married to a cheater, and they force it on them with all their lies, all for their own personal gain. Again they don't care if they waste the spouses life away, as long as they get what they want. That is not love, it is simply using people for your own gain! 1
waterwoman Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 6 months from Jan 2012 to June 2012. EA mainly with some sexual contact (not intercourse). professions of love on both sides but no expectation that H would leave me for her (although she's have left her H without a second thought). Lots of texting, some of it very passionate, most of it just companionable but 20 or 30 times a day. They worked together closely. I would rather he had a lot of meaningless sex with her. He gave her what I had been missing in our marriage for a while. What he wanted was more sex - he didn't get that as he viewed that as a step too far. Idiot! The pain and confusion seems to get worse not better. I am driving him and myself crazy atm
beenburned Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 jadore, Men who have made serial cheating a lifestyle choice get better and better at the deceit as the years go by.(through trial and error) They are the same as any professional con man. Most lifetime serial cheaters are also sex addicts. It doesn't matter if they have regular good sex with the wife, they still would cheat because of their personal character defects and many addictions. This seems to be the case with 2sure's H!(from her story) She was taken advantage of in the worse possible way. She is very lucky to be rid of him, as most percentages of sex addicts being changed is slim to none. 1
waterwoman Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I am sorry' date=' love but no sex?????? Sounds like minimising. I would not believe that and I don't want to hurt you.[/quote'] Don't you? Oh well..... I have a good reason to beleive it but I am not sharing it here.
Summer Breeze Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 To me it's the act of betrayal. My xH's A was kind of a longterm A but that doesn't matter. What mattered was that he cheated. I couldn't care less how often, how many, how long. He cheated. It continually surprises me that some types of A are more acceptable to a BS than others but I do know and respect that everyone feels things differently. 3
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