I still love my alcoholic ex bf, but I'm going to start dating again

[shamen]

It's been a long time since I've posted here about my relationships, so here goes. I was with my alcoholic ex bf for 3 1/2 years. We broke up at the beginning of April and his stuff is still here, but he's not. The fact that his stuff is still here is another story.

 

The problem is that he was so bad for me: not coming home at night on a regular enough basis, drinking and driving (finally he got a dwi and spent some time in jail, 10 days), being irresponsible about everything under the sun and not being who he needed to be for himself or for me. He spent some time in rehab and started drinking about a month later a year and a half ago.

 

Why do I still care about this loser? I tried to get him back in rehab before the final break up, but he was having none of that. I kept thinking and he kept saying that he wanted to be someone different than he was, but he wasn't ready, so I walked away after way too much time together. Minus the alcoholism he was a great guy. It's sad that I still even think this. I couldn't help him and he's not ready to help himself.

 

We still talk once in a while, but I don't want anything to happen because I know he's bad for me. Nothing is going to happen. But why in the world am I still thinking about him? I just wish that there was a way for me to turn off the switch...

 

So, I'm going on a second date with a really nice guy tonight. Maybe I shouldn't be dating just yet, but it's been 4 and a half months. I feel like I just need to get out there and try it again. Remind myself that there are decent men in the world. I'm taking it slow and I'm not going to be dating anyone exclusively for a while, as I feel like I really need some time to be sure that I'm dating a man of worth this time (my bf's for the last 8 years or so have been really lacking in the not drinking/using drugs category: one for 3 years and another one for 2 years before this most recent ex).

 

Any thoughts? Am I being an idiot for thinking that I'm ready for this? I mean, I'm taking everything really slowwww in the dating department... I'm not saying anything about him either to the new boys, btw. Yes, I'm dating a couple of men.

[BlueEyes248]

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Hey girl! I totally think that you're doing the right thing by going on dates with other guys. I know that it has to be soo hard trying to start dating again after being with your ex for such a long time but I honestly think that it's for the better. You care about this guy a lot and it might be difficult to fully get into the swing of dating again. But it also seems like your ex put a lot of stress on you in between not coming home at night, driving drunk, being jailed, and going into rehab. It's really brave of you to try to help him, but he won't quit drinking until he's ready to and he's had enough.

 

Obviously he isn't ready to commit to being sober if he started drinking a month after going into rehab and refuses to go back again. You can't help him unless he starts to help himself. It seems like you sort of take care of him which is so sweet and selfless. I'm not sure how old you are (I'm assuming it's over 21) but he should be able to take responsibility for himself. You're on the right path by not starting up anything again with your ex and by taking things slow with the guys you are starting to see. And I don't think that it's too soon to start dating again. It sounds like you've really grown a lot emotionally throughout the last 8 years which is great.

 

The thing that bothered me was when you said that the last few guys that you have dated have had problems with drinking/drugs. You deserve so much better then these guys! You sound like such a sweet person and I'm sure you're beautiful. You only deserve the best there is out there so don't sell yourself short. Never sell yourself short! And with that attitude (thinking that you only deserve the best) you are really going to meet an awesome guy who will treat you right. And when you meet him, you will totally forget about all your exes in the past because they have nothing in comparison to your new guy.

 

So get out there, have fun, and smile...and don't forget that you deserve only the best! I hope this helped a bit!

[shamen]

Thank you so much for your response! Yeah, it has been very strange; all of my friends are so excited for me that I'm dating again, but it's so weird.

 

I'm 35, my ex is 33. So, yeah, we're over 21, big time! I wish that he could've become the sober man that I wanted him to be, but he wasn't ready. I hope that our break up has helped him to become a better man. You're right, he has to help himself before he can help anyone else.

 

I HAVE grown up a lot in the last 8 years. Why is it though that so many men in my age group that used to be punk rock boys are such losers? A lot of them are so stuck in the past and they aren't really professional in any way. I would just like to be with some ex punk rock boy who can understand the scene and my goofy friends and be with me, but someone who also wakes up every day knowing that they have to go to work and be responsible about it.

 

Ugh, I'm ranting, sorry.

 

Yeah, a lot of the men that I've dated in the last 15 years really have had issues with alcohol or drugs; I'm still an idiot and am attracted to men with tattoos and earrings. Boys with shaved heads. Most of these men have turned out to be jerks; boys that I've met in bars. I've decided no more dating of men that I meet in bars. I'm sure that it's now at the point where it's become a pattern: me dating men I shouldn't be dating

 

We'll see. It would be nice to meet a good person who shares my interests and could hang out with my friends and I, but right now it seems so removed.

 

I had my date with the nice boy; think that he may just be too heady for me. I couldn't even be my silly self with him after spending much of the evening with him. Ah well, maybe the date Sunday morning or the one on Sunday night. Two other guys. We'll see.

[reasontosigh]

........Maybe I shouldn't be dating just yet, but it's been 4 and a half months. I feel like I just need to get out there and try it again. Remind myself that there are decent men in the world.......

 

Any thoughts? Am I being an idiot for thinking that I'm ready for this? I mean, I'm taking everything really slowwww in the dating department...

 

Idiot? No, not at all.

 

It will feel strange when you first get out there - totally understandable. Taking it slow is the way to go for sure.

 

It took me far longer to get back in the saddle, so to speak, but then my relationship in this case (he was an alcoholic himself) came to a far worse end.

At times, I even found myself fighting off what would have turned into out and out agoraphobia had I not somehow managed to recognize what was going on with me.

 

Anyway, even if you do decide you need a bit longer break after this round of dating (which I hope goes well for you), you'll still come out much better once you pick it up again.

 

Way to go, shamen, and good luck.

[treddo]

Leaving him is totally the right thing. If he admits to being an alcoholic and is willing to work on it, then there's hope. If he doesn't admit it, or denies it all together then forget about it and move on.

 

My dads an alcoholic and doesn't acknowledge the fact.

 

I had a lot of trouble with alcohol in my 20's, lost all respect for myself, and vowed to beat it. I drink socially now only and even then will likely have pop instead of booze. I'd die before I put my kid through what my father put me through.

[shamen]

Reasontosigh,

 

Thank you for your kind words. Yeah, it probably is a bit too soon really for me even to be trying this, but I figured I've got to get out there sometime. I haven't kissed anyone yet or anything like that! But, just sort of the act of dating itself; I was never really that good at it really. I'd go out with someone and end up with them for years. Never meant for it to happen that way, but it did.

 

So, I'm just kind of experimenting with the dating thing, trying to figure out what it is that I really want. A man with responsibility, a man that does not have alcohol/drug issues, but also a man who can interact with me and my friends in all sorts of situations. I went to a show last night with all kinds of people there... rockabilly show. I would like to meet someone who can interact there as well as meet my colleagues at work. Maybe I'm being too picky... so far it seems like they can do one or the other, not both.

 

I may need some more time, but I guess we'll find out soon enough. Probably if and when one of the men I'm dating decides that he want to kiss me or something!

 

Treddo,

 

No, he's not willing to work on his issues with alcoholism; that's why we broke up. I tried and tried to get him back into rehab. I was really sad and to smaller degree still am. I still have to interact with him as his stuff is still here (he's staying at a friend's until he finds a new place) and unfortunately I had no choice but to ask him to pick me up at the airport a while back (another story). So, we're going to dinner tonight so I can "repay" him for being so kind. Ugh.

 

But no, I'm not going to get back together with him. He needs to find himself first before he can have an adult relationship.

 

I too have an alcoholic parent, so I totally feel your pain. It was really hard. We never discuss it as she doesn't see it either. Her father was one too and that drove her crazy.

 

BTW, I'm betting that you're from PA/OH if you say pop! I'm glad that you've found ways to stay away from the alcohol. Continue to be careful if you're still drinking socially, please! If you see any new signs of what happened in your family in yourself, think about AA or something along those lines.

[reasontosigh]

BTW, I'm betting that you're from PA/OH if you say pop!

 

Must be a western PA thing - nobody says that around here!

[treddo]

I'm actually from BC lol.

 

BTW, I'm not worried about becoming an alcoholic. I have a great daughter who I'd rather die that put through anything even resembling my childhood. If I get stressed out, I don't drink. If I've had a crappy day, I don't drink. I simply beat whatever cravings I may have had in my 20's somehow. Maybe it's just a deep inner desire to not put people through what my father did.

 

If I heard my daughter speaking of me and her childhood memories in this way, it would devistate me.

[shamen]

Reasontosigh: Yeah, pop is a western PA thing and I hear it too from people who live in OH. I had no idea that it was also said in BC!

 

Treddo: Whew! I was a little worried there from your first post. You sound like you've got it under control. Glad to hear it.

 

All right guys... I blew it. Dinner with my ex-bf led to a movie at my house which led to other stuff. Crap! What the hell was I thinking? It took me over a year to finally leave him and then I end up in bed with him again after almost 5 months? Obviously I still care about him and I still think that he's hot hot hot. But dam*, did I really need to complicate stuff again?

 

He told me that he missed me and I reciprocated the idea. He told me that he wanted to redeem himself. When I asked if it was in my eyes, he said for himself and for me. He's not doing drugs anymore (or so he says) and his drinking has been cut way back. He said that he's not mad at me anymore for breaking up with him; that he realized that I had to do something to get things to stop and for me to have a normal life. He said that he's not expecting to move right back in and pick up where we left off or anything; thank god. That he wants to prove himself to me so I could learn to trust him again. Then we started kissing and it was all over.

 

Now of course I'm thinking that maybe he could become who he (and I) always wanted him to be. I don't know. It's weird; I mean, I have a date tonight with some other guy. Sh**, I guess I wasn't ready to start dating, was I?

 

Have I made a huge mistake? I'm not even sure which one I'm talking about... the ex bf evening or the dating thing. Probably both... I should've known not to spend more time with him than dinner.

[treddo]

Talk about off topic, I don't know where pop originates from. I used to travel and see Customers as far away as Mississippi. One such Customer was a man I love and respect and whom I consider my father figure. He lives in Iowa and works as a Purchaser for John Deere at the Product Engineering Center in Waterloo. He uses the word pop and I guess that's where I picked it up from.

 

Now on to your dilemna. I believe sleeping with him was a mistake and it's likely one you will both need to discuss. He may say that he's better but you have no way of knowing, believe me. Most people don't kick a habit right away, (look at all your friends who smoke). Alcohol/drugs is an addiction. The body gets to the point where it craves this crap and a craving is hard to ignore. It's easy to resist at first, but overtime it wears you down and the next thing you know, you're waking up with a terrible hangover, waking up in a pool of vomit, or never waking up at all. It's different for everyone.

 

Seeking outside help is likely the best course of action if you're both serious about making it work IMO. See what a professional has to say on the matter.

[shamen]

You are so right! Alcohol and drugs are very hard things to walk away from and no, I don't have any proof at all of his having calmed down his ways. We both smoke, for example, and I haven't been able to walk away from that, nor has he. We both probably have somewhat addictive personalities in general.

 

God, I won't be even be able to tell my friends about what happened because all they are going to do is be sad for me and I'm sure to a degree upset, because it took me sooo long to get out of the relationship in the first place.

 

Right now, I don't think that either of us are prepared to "make it work" as a committed couple. He's right in thinking that he would need to prove himself to me. It's almost like we'd have to go back to square one in terms of the actual relationship and just start dating again. Well, the sex thing really complicates that theory, huh?

 

I'll give him some time to do right by me. No, I'm not going to start talking to him every day again, or anything. But, yeah, I suppose we will have to talk about what happened at some point. He was one of my best friends for so long. It was easy to talk and be around him, much easier than it was at any point in the last year really.

 

Professional help for the two of us? Not yet. I thought a lot about going to Al-Anon when the relationship started crumbling so I could have some support for dealing with an alcoholic. So, maybe I should rethink this and attend a couple of meetings to see if they have anything to offer. I know that I had become an enabler in our relationship, so I guess somewhere inside I had hoped that if I put him out, he would get it together. (I actually did a lot of research on the net on this.) Maybe it's working, maybe it's not. But he's certainly good at making it sound like it is helping.

 

I'm just worried that I'll get myself re-entangled in a mess that I probably shouldn't have been in or be in again... From now on, I'm going to try and have a little more sense when it comes to him.

[treddo]

Good luck, you sound like you've given this a lot of thought.

 

I personally have never seeked outside help for my problems with the exception of anti-depressants when my fiance left me for another man. That was the hardest 6 months of my life, complicated more by our new born baby. I'm over it now of course and all the better for it. I only mentioned it due to the fact that a professional has likely heard your type of situation hundreds of times and may offer real insight.

 

My last thought is that you are applying logic to an emotional situation. I don't believe logic will ever be able to compete when the hearts involved. If you can, you should really try to put feelings on the backburner and just look at the issue. Feelings and emotions are what caused you to hit the sack with the guy again when logic screams at you that it's the wrong thing to do.

 

I hope everything works out for you!

[shamen]

God I really am an idiot! I hung out with my ex-bf again today when he called to ask me to go to lunch. Why am I doing this to myself???? I mean, I just finally started to feel like I was getting it together. I knew that I was still in love with my ex, but he is WRONG WRONG WRONG for me. I don't know if I could ever trust him again.

 

I'm not even sure why I'm still posting on this thread. Now I just feel stupid. I am starting to go out on dates with other people. No sex, as I've already mentioned. I think that I should just stop doing this, as I'm obviously not ready.

 

Maybe I just need to get myself into some counseling at this point. You're right, treddo. Logic is not winning out here. I did actually talk to one of my friends about the fact that I slept with him (and did again today) and she reminded me that I just need to walk away and tell him that it was a mistake. Sh**! What am I doing?

 

Maybe I should have posted this on the addictions forum. Like, why is it so hard to get over alcoholic boyfriends who are big jerks, but are good guys underneath the alcohol usage?

[shamen]

An update...

 

I've had a total of 5 dates with 4 different guys... Some more interesting than others (if you saw my porno date thread, you know what I'm talking about).

 

One of which was with a friend that I've know for years and I don't even know if I can call it a date. This situation is a totally different post. I care about him a lot, but he's got his own issues. And I guess that our friendship does too.

 

Regardless, I think that I have decided that I'm not quite ready to be dating yet. I wish that I were. But my ex is still calling and I'm supposed to call back today (he's called like 6 times since Thursday). I don't want to sleep with him again. I don't know what to say to him.

 

He called me a couple of weeks ago 3 times in a hour (when I was out on a date, didn't answer the phone), wasted, asking me where I was and why wasn't I answering the phone. I should've known better than to think that he may really be getting better.

 

So, I think that I'm out of the dating scene for now, as I'm obviously not quite over my ex bf yet. Crap. How long is this going to take?

 

What to say to the ex? Any suggestions? Just that it was a mistake? That he's obviously still got some problems with his alcohol intake, so therefore I don't want to walk back into anything with him? I guess maybe I already know the answers to this question.

 

This relationship needs to be truly over before I can get involved in anything new (and it was pretty much over until I screwed it up a few weeks back). Time away from him will lead to more healing and then eventually I will be ready.

[emra]

I am a recovering drug addict. In Sept. it will be 1 year since I have used. 1st, I want to say, that not in any way am I defending this guy. I do want to say, from the road, I unfortuantly took. Addiction is a very hard thing to break. It took me losing my children to see that I need help. I fought very hard and got them back.

I do not in any way think that your ex ever intentionally set out to hurt you. He has an addiction, one that is very hard and sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to see that things have to change.

Did he put himself into treatment or was he forced?

I have been in so many terrible relationships all mine also were revolved around alcohol and drugs.

I never ever set out to hurt anyone with what I was doing. I also, never realized how much I did hurt people, until now. THey would tell me, but I didn't see it.

People think alcoholics and addicts are selfish loser that only think about themselves and dont care about anyone else.

Well, in some ways that is true in so many others, it is not.

Addiction, covers up pain. It takes everything away. And then you don;t have to think because you don't know how to deal with things,

I will forever be greatful to whoever it is that turned me for using, because, I am just now starting to live. I have been an addict for 14 years. And not once, could I ever see how I hurt anyone. Terrible I know, but now I see it.

I do NOT think you are an idiot for still talking to him. Everyone hits rock bottom and one time or another, when only God knows, there is nothing wrong with trying to be friends with him. Because when the day comes, that he hits bottom, he will find out, that he has NO ONE, all the friends he thought he had, will disappear, because, they don't like seeing people change.

Maybe, he is afraid, of not knowing who he is without alcohol,. it is a scary thing, because you have to learn all know new things and you have to figure out what you will and will not accept in your life.

If you continue to talk to him, just try to keep yourself at a safe distance. Don't get yourself wrapped up into his world. Look out for yourself and Take care of you. Take it one day at a time. Thats all any of us can do.

I do wish I would have had that one friend that would have been there for me thru all of what I have endured.

Just look out for you. Maybe there is a plan for you with him. Even if it is to supprt him when he hits bottom.

[treddo]

I feel for you emra. Alcohol pretty much was a way of life for me for a few years and I may have hurt some people close to me but I knew I had a problem. What I don't understand is how anyone who is an addict can't understand they are hurting people, it's obvious. Maybe not so much when your under the influence but everyone has at least a few hours of sobriety. Hopefully the truth hits home once in a while but maybe I wasn't deep enough to truly comment.

 

Speaking as someone who grew up in an alchoholic environment I can say that our father was made aware of his problem several times. It broke the family apart and we're still not very close and will likely never be. I'd love to say that I can get past it but have absolutely no desire to play nice with a tard who chose a bottle over his son and his son's daughter. I can get past the fact that he wasn't there for me as a father but not that he can't be anything in his granddaughters life.

 

Personally I'd let your ex know that you're not going to be there for him in any capacity if he continues to abuse drugs. That is his choice so let him drink but don't allow it to become your problem too. Maybe that will be his version of "hitting bottom" and will help wake him up.

 

Just an IMO.

[shamen]

Originally posted by emra

Addiction is a very hard thing to break. It took me losing my children to see that I need help. I fought very hard and got them back.

 

I do not in any way think that your ex ever intentionally set out to hurt you. He has an addiction, one that is very hard and sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to see that things have to change.

Did he put himself into treatment or was he forced?

 

I have been in so many terrible relationships all mine also were revolved around alcohol and drugs.

I never ever set out to hurt anyone with what I was doing. I also, never realized how much I did hurt people, until now. THey would tell me, but I didn't see it.

 

People think alcoholics and addicts are selfish loser that only think about themselves and dont care about anyone else.

Well, in some ways that is true in so many others, it is not.

Addiction, covers up pain. It takes everything away. And then you don;t have to think because you don't know how to deal with things,

 

I do NOT think you are an idiot for still talking to him. Everyone hits rock bottom and one time or another, when only God knows, there is nothing wrong with trying to be friends with him. Because when the day comes, that he hits bottom, he will find out, that he has NO ONE, all the friends he thought he had, will disappear, because, they don't like seeing people change.

 

Maybe, he is afraid, of not knowing who he is without alcohol,. it is a scary thing, because you have to learn all know new things and you have to figure out what you will and will not accept in your life.

If you continue to talk to him, just try to keep yourself at a safe distance. Don't get yourself wrapped up into his world. Look out for yourself and Take care of you. Take it one day at a time. Thats all any of us can do.

 

I do wish I would have had that one friend that would have been there for me thru all of what I have endured.

Just look out for you. Maybe there is a plan for you with him. Even if it is to supprt him when he hits bottom.

 

Thank you so much for your post. It was very interesting to hear from the "other side's" POV.

 

I totally understand about the hitting bottom thing. When he was in rehab, it was because I had (yet again) told him to move out. I was serious, so he went into rehab. Clean for a month and back to drinking on Super Bowl Sunday. He said he could control it; gee, what a surprise that he couldn't. After another year and a half with him, I had had enough.

 

I told him to leave and he's been living with a friend ever since, but his stuff is still here. He doesn't have any keys to get in though. We barely spoke for 5 months. Until the dinner thing in the last month. Sooo, it was my intention (when we broke up and I told him to move out) to not be the enabler anymore and to hopefully expedite the hitting bottom process. Hasn't happened yet, to my knowledge.

 

I understand that he wasn't trying to hurt me, but he did. Over and over and over while I was waiting for him to come home. While I was crying at 3:00 in the morning, hoping he wasn't dead and I had to go to work the next day (I work with children and I get up at 5:30 am) and put on a happy face. These were, by far, some of the hardest years of my life.

 

He absolutely does self medicate, no doubt. But I did too and I got through that period of my life. I guess that's why it drives me so crazy; I got throught it already! Why is it taking him so long?

 

Keeping myself at a safe distance is very hard. He came over last night and we watched a movie and he wanted to know if he should leave when it was time for me to go to bed. I said that I didn't know, that spending time with him again was confusing me. So, he said that he was just taking the time for what it was; I reminded him that this time spent (including sex) was no indication of a future second chance. That I had been dating, but that I wasn't having sex. So, he spent the night. I know, I know. Stupid me. He told me that he loved me this morning when he left for work. I didn't say anything.

 

I wish that I could just separate it and try to be his friend. But I miss him. I would like to be there for him, but I don't know if I can continue to hang out with him if we're going to end up in bed every time that we are together...

[shamen]

Originally posted by treddo

I feel for you emra. Alcohol pretty much was a way of life for me for a few years and I may have hurt some people close to me but I knew I had a problem. What I don't understand is how anyone who is an addict can't understand they are hurting people, it's obvious. Maybe not so much when your under the influence but everyone has at least a few hours of sobriety. Hopefully the truth hits home once in a while but maybe I wasn't deep enough to truly comment.

 

Speaking as someone who grew up in an alchoholic environment I can say that our father was made aware of his problem several times. It broke the family apart and we're still not very close and will likely never be. I'd love to say that I can get past it but have absolutely no desire to play nice with a tard who chose a bottle over his son and his son's daughter. I can get past the fact that he wasn't there for me as a father but not that he can't be anything in his granddaughters life.

 

Personally I'd let your ex know that you're not going to be there for him in any capacity if he continues to abuse drugs. That is his choice so let him drink but don't allow it to become your problem too. Maybe that will be his version of "hitting bottom" and will help wake him up.

 

Just an IMO.

 

Treddo,

 

Thank you for continuing to follow my post, even though I am making some big mistakes right now.

 

When I had issues with alcohol/drugs, I knew as well that I had a problem. Not right away, but I did know. It took me years to clean up. He too knows that he has a problem. He does. He wishes that his life were different. He just can't seem to come up with the motivation to change what he is doing.

 

I know how you feel about growing up in that environment... His mom is an alcoholic, so is mine. My relationship with my mum is very strained. I told my ex bf that I wouldn't be going over to his family's house anymore as I didn't want to interact with his mom either.

 

When we weren't speaking, it didn't make him hit bottom either. I know that he was really depressed, but he's still drinking. I think that for now, his drinking is not my problem. We are no longer living together. I think that he knows that if he wants any sort of a shot at being with me, that he needs to clean up. I would never take him back into my life full time again unless he was much more sober.

 

Maybe now I'm just making excuses for being so silly this last month. I've got no courage around him again to just say no to the whole thing. To us. To the relationship, as it was. As it is now somehow redefining itself into a FWB thing. Maybe it's just a booty call. I don't know.

 

I still don't have the courage to tell my friends what I'm doing (OK, I've told 3 of them) as I know that they would disapprove in quite loud voices. I guess that's why I keep coming here to ask these questions. To rant, to try to work out, "Why am I doing this to myself?" Am I just a sucker for punishment? I think that I know the answer, love. It's not helping me out right now at all though.

[emra]

Oh Honey, that is going to be very hard.

1st, I know it had to desperately hurt you. Being on that side of things, I believe is the most damaging side to be on at times, emotionally.

I know you can not ever take that pain away.

I would have to say that, if you continue to hang out with him, you really need to go to Al-Non meetings, because, if you decide to continue to hang out with him, you know how that goes, you will end up even more into him and you are going to be home waiting again. I think, that is only a choice you can make, I do think if you do continue with him, that meeting will be a great support for you. They show you how to try to cope, they have you look at yourself and figure out a plan for you. They have a wonderful support system with so many people, all that would be willing to help you whether you are with him or not.

The thing that everyone needs to remember, is that, the people that stand by while others do these things are the hidden suffers. And you need as much support as he does to cope with this.

I have a poem that is wonderful. And it speaks so many things.

I will find it and get it on here.

Just remember, to look out for yourself.

[treddo]

I continue to follow this topic because I feel for you and I really hate to see good people hurt. Emra seems to be a really together person as well which helps to keep this topic informative. Plus in my own way, I don't think I've ever really confronted the rage I feel toward my father and the environment he continues to create around him.

 

I hate to say it, but the only person who's hurting in this relationship is you. BTW, even though he's not sharing your space, sharing your bed is still a relationship. If you were sleeping with one of the guys you dated on a regular basis does that make you "just friends"? I don't really think so.

 

I believe you're empowering him through sex. Let's face it, he's still getting his needs filled and can also continue the substance abuse. It's really the best of both worlds and will likely continue indefinately. You really need to cut the chord and stay away from this guy or you may as well get used to the way he is. Why change if you can have the woman you want, anytime you want?

 

One thing is certain, you dump him now and hurt for a while but that will eventually end. You stay with him or continue in the manner you currently are and your pain will continue with no end in sight. It's really your choice.

[shamen]

Emra,

 

I'm looking forward to the poem.

 

You're right. I probably need to get myself in Al-Anon regardless of whether or not he and I continue to hang out. My mom is an alcoholic too. So was my grandfather.

 

He just called to talk to me. I feel like I'm falling; I cried when I read your post as he called when I was reading it. Had to clear up my voice so he didn't hear me crying.

 

I should, for my own health, run away as fast as I can. Years spent trying to help and waiting. You're right, I don't want to wait for him again either.

 

So, now it's up to me to gather up the courage to go to a meeting. Gasp. Me. Not him. Dam*.

 

EDIT: Treddo posted while I was typing.

[shamen]

Originally posted by treddo

I continue to follow this topic because I feel for you and I really hate to see good people hurt. Emra seems to be a really together person as well which helps to keep this topic informative. Plus in my own way, I don't think I've ever really confronted the rage I feel toward my father and the environment he continues to create around him.

 

I hate to say it, but the only person who's hurting in this relationship is you. BTW, even though he's not sharing your space, sharing your bed is still a relationship. If you were sleeping with one of the guys you dated on a regular basis does that make you "just friends"? I don't really think so.

 

I believe you're empowering him through sex. Let's face it, he's still getting his needs filled and can also continue the substance abuse. It's really the best of both worlds and will likely continue indefinately. You really need to cut the chord and stay away from this guy or you may as well get used to the way he is. Why change if you can have the woman you want, anytime you want?

 

One thing is certain, you dump him now and hurt for a while but that will eventually end. You stay with him or continue in the manner you currently are and your pain will continue with no end in sight. It's really your choice.

 

I certainly know what you mean about the rage. I felt it a lot when he got home after a night out all night. After so many years, it just got quieter. I'd get super mad and not speak to him. Make him sleep on the couch.

 

You too are right. Sex does make it a relationship in a way. He is getting empowered in having some sort of a relationship as he is calling a lot more now. I don't call him, he calls me. He is still abusing drugs; I know that. Not the strong ones anymore (as far as I know), but still little ones for sure. Obviously he's still drinking, or I wouldn't have gotten that drunken phone call two weeks ago.

 

I will disagree with you in one point. He is not having me anytime he wants. It's on my time; that's what's different. I was busy all weekend the last two weekends and he keeps trying to be a part of my time. Interesting that the situation is now reversed. I hadn't thought of that until now.

 

The pain will continue if I stay in the manner of FWB that we have now, no doubt. I was thinking on the way home from work today about all of the comments I've gotten from friends in the last 5 months about how much happier I seem; how much more calm. I don't need to go back to walking on eggshells and being so serious.

 

Maybe Treddo, you and I both need to get into Al-Anon to recover from the family and friends in our lives that have made us angry and sad and pissed and confused. I'll go if you go.... I'm not saying that I'm going to keep him in my life again, just that regardless, I could probably use it to help myself walk out of it or at least walk with some conviction and limits on our friendship.

 

Oh, also because of my mom and her dad. I could stand to have some sort of a relationship with my mom. She lives by my sister, who I visit often enough. My mom and I get together for dinner while I'm there; not much to say to one another...

[emra]

Shamen, Here is that poem. It is based about meth, however, change the words around to the alcohol and it still fits. I find this to be a very sad poem but very true.

I hope everything is going well for you. Keep me informed.

 

 

 

 

 

A Living Hell

By James Carver

[shamen]

After doing a lot of thinking, I've decided to let the relationship, in whatever form it is now, end with my ex. I haven't spoken to him in a week and I've regained some of my confidence.

 

All this is doing is confusing me. I think that several drunken phone calls from him (before this week) and him not remembering the conversation the next day was enough to remind me why we broke up. I'm not his gf anymore and I can't complain to him about what he's doing. It's his life. It's just that I know now that I don't need to be a part of it.

 

Maybe we can be friends someday. I just don't think that we're ready right now.

[treddo]

Good for you, I believe you did the right thing and the more time you spend away from him, the more likely you are to realize you did.