Illusionist Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 I'm dating this girl for a while now and things finally got serious. So now, I finally know what was seeming odd. On the one side, she is very clingy, but on the other, and that's the thing she was hiding until the very end: She is a masochist. She wants sex that is very new to me and to be honest, kind of disturbing. It is not loving and caring at all, but just seems hard and brutal. And that's even without the spanking and hitting. As well, I have to say very humiliating things to her. We even did a "rape role play" already. I can't help but to feel bad about it. Even while I just do what she wants, it's kind of hard. She even cries every time, but still she seems very happy about it and gets very wet from it. So, I wonder if it really is okay to go on like this. Because, even while our sex life is that way, she still has a very nice personality and I like her a lot. Not to mention that she seems to like me even more. So is it really okay to do things like that to her?
NiceGuyDTW Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 I'm dating this girl for a while now and things finally got serious. So now, I finally know what was seeming odd. On the one side, she is very clingy, but on the other, and that's the thing she was hiding until the very end: She is a masochist. She wants sex that is very new to me and to be honest, kind of disturbing. It is not loving and caring at all, but just seems hard and brutal. And that's even without the spanking and hitting. As well, I have to say very humiliating things to her. We even did a "rape role play" already. I can't help but to feel bad about it. Even while I just do what she wants, it's kind of hard. She even cries every time, but still she seems very happy about it and gets very wet from it. So, I wonder if it really is okay to go on like this. Because, even while our sex life is that way, she still has a very nice personality and I like her a lot. Not to mention that she seems to like me even more. So is it really okay to do things like that to her? Run!! She needs to see a therapist. I guarantee you she was most likely sexually abused as a child. She cries and get's wet from it?? Sorry there's the red flag w/ a flashing neon sign saying RUN!
naviis Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 I can't help but to feel bad about it. Even while I just do what she wants, it's kind of hard. She even cries every time, but still she seems very happy about it and gets very wet from it. How the hell do you manage to keep going?
edgygirl Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Welcome to fetlife.com - go there to understand your girl better. There's nothing wrong with liking these things although it seems rather weird for people who are not into it. I'm surprised that living in Germany you haven't come across it before. It's the BDSM capital of the world with many parties and clubs. It's hard for fetishist people to find mutual sexual satisfaction with vanilla people (that's how people who are not into this kind of thing are called) and that's why many times this kind of relationship doesn't work. Maybe if you read about stuff on fetlife you'd end up interested in exploring more and even grow to like it.
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 I don't think there is anything wrong with her because of her sexual desires, but it sounds like you don't share them at all - and you are sexually incompatible. Sex lives are supposed to work for BOTH (or in some cases, ALL) the people involved in them. 3
edgygirl Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Not true. There are many psychological studies about it and no one could find a direct correlation btw liking kinky stuff and being abused in childhood. If this was true, every kinky person would have been abused as a child... And believe me there are millions of kinky people out there who lead a happy sexual life. Run!! She needs to see a therapist. I guarantee you she was most likely sexually abused as a child. She cries and get's wet from it?? Sorry there's the red flag w/ a flashing neon sign saying RUN! 3
naviis Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Not true. There are many psychological studies about it and no one could find a direct correlation btw liking kinky stuff and being abused in childhood. If this was true, every kinky person would have been abused as a child... And believe me there are millions of kinky people out there who lead a happy sexual life. Agreed -- that being said, if OP is "vanilla" (love that term btw), might be a bit difficult to handle.
edgygirl Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Yes as Mme. said they might not be compatible. I am kinky myself (perhaps not as much as the OP girl) and it's quite frustrating to date someone vanilla. Agreed -- that being said, if OP is "vanilla" (love that term btw), might be a bit difficult to handle. 1
Author Illusionist Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 but it sounds like you don't share them at all - and you are sexually incompatible. I wouldn't say that ... I like that it makes her happy and I can't say that the more sexual part about it isn't turning me on. It is just a bit strange for me and hard to understand why she likes it so much. Because well, I always had the idea that pain is bad and that it isn't good to be too rough on women. And she kinda shows me the total opposite... she cries, but moans at the same time and shows clearly other signs that her body loves it. But now I'm a bit confused again. Some tell me it is really normal, while others advice me to run away. P.s. I will look into the site. She never mentioned BDSM. To be honest, I never saw a club like that. But as well, I live in the south. Still very religious and more conservative.
naviis Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 I wouldn't say that ... I like that it makes her happy and I can't say that the more sexual part about it isn't turning me on. It is just a bit strange for me and hard to understand why she likes it so much. Because well, I always had the idea that pain is bad and that it isn't good to be too rough on women. And she kinda shows me the total opposite... she cries, but moans at the same time and shows clearly other signs that her body loves it. But now I'm a bit confused again. Some tell me it is really normal, while others advice me to run away. P.s. I will look into the site. She never mentioned BDSM. To be honest, I never saw a club like that. But as well, I live in the south. Still very religious and more conservative. My advice: don't run away unless you want to. If it's not your thing, it's not your thing. If you're curious, well here's the opportunity to discover something new with someone you like. 1
Radu Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 I would advise you to make sure she is mentally stable. It's not smart to get involved in a such a relationship with a woman who is unstable ... those bruises/whatever could be used against you [from a legal pov].
edgygirl Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 But now I'm a bit confused again. Some tell me it is really normal, while others advice me to run away. P.s. I will look into the site. She never mentioned BDSM. To be honest, I never saw a club like that. But as well, I live in the south. Still very religious and more conservative. It's not normal for people who are not into it and also for people who never experienced it. Or for people raised in religious communities. For us it's normal as it turns us on. You know how a particular kind of girl turns you on and you can't pinpoint why? It's the same feeling. Yes join the site - you can ask questions about it in the forums there, there are groups for every existing fetish you can think of, and perhaps you'll understand her better. See, even you are saying that you do like the sexual part of it. That's how it starts, haha... You might get into it eventually even if not exactly the stuff she is into.
Author Illusionist Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 (edited) How the hell do you manage to keep going? If you mean how to stay hard... she is attractive and it is not like she is just lying there and let me do the things she wants me to do. Actually, she does pretty nice things to me, so it is mostly the opposite of what she wants to get. Maybe she does it because of the same reasons why I do the things she likes. Actually, I wish I could keep it going longer ... when she wants anal, I come way too soon. Like I said, she shows me a lot that she likes me. She is very affectionate and caring towards me, in general. Just when it gets more sexual, things get very rough and naughty. Edited December 18, 2012 by Illusionist
CarrieT Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Illusionist, there are a lot of who are really kinky and like it rough. The trick, Mme. Chaucer mentions, is for those of us that like it rough to find those who like to give it rough. It is not just women who like to receive it brutally and - as Edgygirl referenced - fetlife is a good place to read about such things; as are collarme and bondage-dot-coms. If you are uncomfortable doing anything, however, do not force yourself. This is a form of sexual play that has to be completely consensual for all involved. You might learn aspects of it that are enjoyable but as far as her crying is involved, you two have to be able to communicate fully and openly why and how it brings her to tears and why and how it is okay for her. Do not equate her getting wet combined with her tears as it being okay. There might be deep-seated reasons for the crying and it is possible that she needs therapy as well. Only she can tell these things. I am one who likes it very, very rough but I had to go through considerable therapy to rationalize some of the things I like to have done to me to be able to explain it to partners so it wouldn't freak them out. The bottom line is communication. She has to be able to talk openly about her kink and you have to be able to listen without judgement. You may or may not be completely compatible - that will take time.
Els Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Ehhh. I'm all for kink, including humiliation and 'rape' roleplay if both parties are into it. The issues here are that: 1) You are not into it (NOT your fault, just a compatibility issue) 2) Her responses to the play raise red flags to me. Most sexual masochists don't cry during play. If you go towards the rather extreme end of BDSM some do, but that really isn't suitable for most of us.
naviis Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 If you mean how to stay hard... she is attractive and it is not like she is just lying there and let me do the things she wants me to do. Actually, she does pretty nice things to me, so it is mostly the opposite of what she wants to get. Maybe she does it because of the same reasons why I do the things she likes. Actually, I wish I could keep it going longer ... when she wants anal, I come way too soon. Like I said, she shows me a lot that she likes me. She is very affectionate and caring towards me, in general. Just when it gets more sexual, things get very rough and naughty. I think the crying would be a turn off for me, but there's context I guess.
edgygirl Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 On this one group (of many) i just checked at fetlife there are 768 members who enjoy the crying thing. I wouldn't assume that all of them have mental problems or that it's only a thing freaks like. Only because people like things someone is not used to, it doesn't mean it's a red flag. Group: spanked to tears 768 members | Join Group Nothing related to sexual preferences is a red flag in my inion, unless you don't want to take part or not into this kind of thing, which is obviously your right.
Author Illusionist Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 The bottom line is communication. She has to be able to talk openly about her kink and you have to be able to listen without judgement. You may or may not be completely compatible - that will take time. Okay, I will try to talk to her before the next time. Thanks everyone.
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