TerpVet87 Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Hey everyone, I had been dating this girl for a year and some change. When I met her she was a smoker and I told her I wouldn't move in with her until she quit, which she did. We got an apartment together and everything was fine. That lasted for about 2 months. She started hiding her smoking and lying to me about it. I was very upset with her after I found out, and she said she would quit. She continued to smoke for about 3 months, going from a couple a day to a whole pack. She said that she had promised herself she would quit before she turned 25. The night before her birthday she quit, and then first thing in the morning she did was smoke. This pattern would repeat itself many more times, with her quitting for a period of time and always starting back up again. Usually it was after we got in a fight, she would grab her keys and yell "I'm gonna go smoke" and would go buy cigarettes. That made me angry because it felt like she was doing it to spite me. After many cycles of quitting, lying, smoking, quitting again, I had enough. I told her she needed to quit or I wouldn't stay with her. She dragged her feet for a month before she finally "quit". About a week later I thought I smelled smoke on her. I asked her if she had anything to tell me and she said no. Several times that week I thought I smelled smoke on her and asked her and each time she said no. During that whole time she was being really nasty and mean to me everyday. Finally she snapped and said she had been smoking. I broke up with her on the spot. That was 3 months ago. She had lied to me numerous times about this and I was sick of it. She complained that smoking was "her choice" but it affected both of us. We couldn't watch a tv show or a movie without her taking several smoke breaks. She smelled like a bar stool in a smokey old dive. When we took trips in my truck she would want to smoke in it, and would throw a fit if I didn't let her. In addition to that it made me mad every time she smoked around me because she had lied to me about it. I used to smoke and I know it's hard to quit, but it's not as hard as she makes it out to be. I feel like I gave her enough chances, probably too many. Has anyone else ever broken up with their loved one over smoking? I can't be alone in this. She has made me feel like I broke up with her over nothing, but this is a big deal, right?
movingon12 Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 I think it's fair enough. You told her you wouldn't move in if she didn't stop. She didn't stop. You gave her chances. She lied. I'm not a smoker but my husband was, so yeah I know it's hard to stop, but it's not impossible. The problem is she doesn't actually want to stop yet. And if that's not something you can live with, then she's not someone you can live with.
carhill Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 It's not so much the smoking but the lying and the abusive behaviors. It's how she copes with conflict. Yeah, end it.
IT Geek Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 I couldn't be with a smoker personally. I say get rid of her...for the smoking AND lying.
Bumaga vsyo sterpit Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 (edited) No it's not a big deal. I say put the whole thing to rest. She's either never going to quit or she's going to quit at her own pace. She probably doesn't really want to quit; she doesn't see it as a big problem in her life. This is just an important habit to her. For an ex-smoker, you sure seem to have a fanatical zero-tolerance attitude to smoking. What gives? The smell really shouldn't bother you that much if you were used to it before. It's not like she's on heroin really. Furthermore this whole controlling, ironfist behavior must be annoying, e.g. you ask her if she's "got anything to tell you" (my dad asked me that). You're not acting like her boyfriend, you're acting like her landlord. Edit - if by "lying" you guys mean trying to accommodate the OP's hatred of smoking while resisting his persistent attempts to tell her what to do and change her as he likes, you've hit the nail on the head. C'mon OP, it's not like she lights the cig in front of you and blows it in your face, is it? Edited December 18, 2012 by Bumaga vsyo sterpit 1
Chi townD Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Maybe instead of smoking she could have started using electronic cigarettes. They're water vapors instead of smoke and deliver nicotine without the smoke. People have been using them to help them stop smoking or depending on cigarettes and ween themselves of nicotine altogether. Plus! her, her clothes and her apartment wouldn't smell like an ashtray. I think my point is, there could have been other alternatives or other outlets that could have been explored before you could have pulled the trigger. But, if you weren't happy with HER. Then, you did what you had to do. 1
BrokenPrincess Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 If dating a nonsmoker is very important to you, that is absolutely your right. My friend fell in love with a man that smokes, and she told him if he didn't quit immediately, it was over. Her mother is dying of lung cancer, and smoking was her absolute deal breaker. He quit, and they got married two weeks ago. 2
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 It's up to you. You either need to ACCEPT her smoking without bugging her anymore (as long as she doesn't smoke in your home, car, face, etc.) or move on. Either one is really fine. You need to decide. Being involved with her addiction (telling her to quit, fighting, etc.) is not going to work and will destroy your relationship anyway. 1
Author TerpVet87 Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 Bumaga vsyo sterpit, I don't have a fanatical hatred of smoking. I have a lot of friends that smoke, but I don't kiss them, sleep with them, etc. Also people are only used to the smell of it when they smoke. When you quit you can smell it from a mile away. And to Will, I understand what you are saying. I feel very guilty about forcing her to quit. I tried ignoring it and letting her quit at her own pace, but she would break promises to herself all the time (like on her birthday). Eventually I was just exhausted with it. I feel like if I hadn't flipped out the first time she lied to me things may have turned out better. Too late now though. And just to be clear there was a slew of other issues with us. Smoking wasn't the only bad thing in our relationship. This was just the straw the broke Joe Camels back. 1
pteromom Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 I think breaking up with her over smoking, without even considering the lying or any other issues, is fine. If someone wants to smoke, they are free to do so. But you are free to decide whether you want it in your life or not. 2
carhill Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 The OP shared that he refused to move in with a smoker and his girlfriend chose to quit, apparently, agreeing with him in principal, then later reneged on that agreement, covertly. After that, preying upon his investment until he had finally had his fill. She chose to push the snowball down the hill the way she did, dating a former smoker who would not live with a smoker. OP, would you ever again date someone who is an active smoker? I would hope not, given the dynamic of this experience. You have choices too. Good luck.
Cutiepie1976 Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 A surefire path to disappointment and failure in a relationship is to enter expecting the other person to make some drastic or difficult change to become acceptable to you. If you don't want to live with a smoker, then don't start dating one. Smoking is a personal choice, but one I don't want in my life. I don't want to kiss an ashtray, be surrounded by things that reek of a chimney stack, or harsh as it sounds, get emotionally invested in someone who is deliberately shortening his life expectancy. It's incompatible with my life choices. That's my preference. So I never date smokers. Second, just because you quit, doesn't mean she can too. Understand that addiction, and that includes nicotine addiction, is a lot more complex than you realize. It's not just about willpower. It's also about biology and genetics. Take cocaine. Contrary to popular belief, many people who experiment with cocaine, will use it once or take it recreationally for a short while then quit. There are those, however, who despite their best efforts, intervention and significant support systems including intensive rehab, can never quit until they are destroyed financially and have run out of friends/family to steal from (so the source is gone) or if funds are sufficient their lives are destroyed and/or the drug kills them. Same thing with alcohol. Many adolescents/young adults are heavy drinkers, some regularly drinking themselves into oblivion. Most of those kids graduate college and stop. They are able to become "social"drinkers and nothing more. There is a small percentage of that cohort who just can't. (Of course there are adults who are social drinkers who with some stressor or other become heavy drinkers and ultimately alcoholics, but that's a different ball of wax.) The same holds true for nicotine. She desperately wants to be with you, that's why she's tried so many times and hides it each time she fails. She can't. If she could she would. Accept her as she is and drop it or walk away. What you've been doing doesn't work.
venusianx13 Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 (edited) Completely justified, IMO. I was in a similar situation with my ex of 6 years. I never wished to be in a relationship with someone who used drugs. I don't care what people do to themselves (as long as it doesn't affect others), but I was adamant that I never wanted to be in a relationship with someone who used. That was my choice. And by lying to me several times about this, he broke a lot of trust. I began to resent him, and while I should have just walked away, I stayed time and time again and believed him when he told me he'd stop. I truly believed that when he got arrested and went through probation for it, he'd stop - he lied - he never stopped. I never did walk away, though I know I should have. With him knowing he had a million chances with me, he eventually began rubbing his drug use in my face (didn't hide it for the last couple of months of our relationship). Things ended badly, due to this and other bad situations in the relationship. This was a huge one, though. Looking back, the mere fact that he continuously lied about his drug habit was strongly indicative of his ability to lie about anything. While smoking and drugs are different, at least from a legal perspective, I think you've seen an aspect of your ex's character that would certainly not serve your relationship well for the long term. I'm sure it must be hard; I've seen my parents go through it. I believe this would be less of an issue for you if she were to come to you and express to you that she was truly having a hard time with it. However, in reading your post, she doesn't appear to have much interest in quitting, let alone not subjecting you to her second-hand smoke in YOUR vehicle. That's beyond inconsiderate. Edited December 18, 2012 by venusianx13
flitzanu Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 so you wanted to control her behavior, and when she didn't comply to your rules you dumped her. awesome. just because it was easy for YOU to quit doesn't mean it is for anyone. perhaps you should have been more helpful and supportive. if you're willing to dump her for something like this, doesn't sound like you want to be with her anyway and you were looking for an excuse. 1
carhill Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 The lady was in full control of her behaviors and choices and bears responsibility for them. She and the OP, after dating a couple of months, jointly decided to move in together predicated upon the condition of her quitting smoking. He made it clear prior that he would not live with a smoker. They could have kept dating and she smoking but that wasn't the choice they made. She quit. He moved in with her based upon their agreement. She broke it. First blood is upon her. His boundaries are not about control. They are his preferences regarding how he chooses to prosecute his life. Simply, he will not live with a smoker. If she had not apparently quit, he would not have lived with her. Nothing more complicated than that. 2
venusianx13 Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 The lady was in full control of her behaviors and choices and bears responsibility for them. She and the OP, after dating a couple of months, jointly decided to move in together predicated upon the condition of her quitting smoking. He made it clear prior that he would not live with a smoker. They could have kept dating and she smoking but that wasn't the choice they made. She quit. He moved in with her based upon their agreement. She broke it. First blood is upon her. His boundaries are not about control. They are his preferences regarding how he chooses to prosecute his life. Simply, he will not live with a smoker. If she had not apparently quit, he would not have lived with her. Nothing more complicated than that. I heartily agree. He never misrepresented his expecations. She, however, not only broke their agreement, but lied again and again.
flitzanu Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 The lady was in full control of her behaviors and choices and bears responsibility for them. She and the OP, after dating a couple of months, jointly decided to move in together predicated upon the condition of her quitting smoking. He made it clear prior that he would not live with a smoker. They could have kept dating and she smoking but that wasn't the choice they made. She quit. He moved in with her based upon their agreement. She broke it. First blood is upon her. His boundaries are not about control. They are his preferences regarding how he chooses to prosecute his life. Simply, he will not live with a smoker. If she had not apparently quit, he would not have lived with her. Nothing more complicated than that. except the complication of QUITTING SMOKING. you are aware of the actual success rate of people quitting smoking right? making it out like this was a "choice" is valid yes, but making it so black and white isn't. all i'm saying is, it doesn't sound so simple for someone to truly care so little for a relationship (especially a cohabitation) to say 'OH WELL YOU STARTED SMOKING AGAIN I'M DUMPING YOU KBYE' 2
Cutiepie1976 Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 The lady was in full control of her behaviors and choices and bears responsibility for them. She and the OP, after dating a couple of months, jointly decided to move in together predicated upon the condition of her quitting smoking. He made it clear prior that he would not live with a smoker. They could have kept dating and she smoking but that wasn't the choice they made. She quit. He moved in with her based upon their agreement. She broke it. First blood is upon her. His boundaries are not about control. They are his preferences regarding how he chooses to prosecute his life. Simply, he will not live with a smoker. If she had not apparently quit, he would not have lived with her. Nothing more complicated than that. Sorry, but if he didn't want to live with a smoker, then the considerate thing to do would be not to date one. Their current predicament should have come as no surprise to him. No matter how attractive and alluring the person might be, if she has a deal breaker, walk away without starting something rather than guaranteeing grief and heartbreak down the road after you've both made an emotional investment. That's a kinder, more humane way of treating others. 2
carhill Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 They both made the choice to date each other; he the ex-smoker, she the smoker. Dating is 'getting to know'. In that process, over two months, a dynamic developed, that the OP would not move in with the lady unless she quit smoking. At the point he shared that, which he has not divulged in the timeline, she had what I see as three choices: 1. Stop smoking 2. Stop dating him 3. Continue dating him but not living together She made choice #1. Personally, I was parented by two smokers, one of which quit one day and didn't smoke again for life. The other smoked until they died. I know about the addiction and the power to change. People are all different. Some can change. Some cannot. Some choose not to, actively. My observation is that both the OP and the lady involved are young. They're learning. Learning is an imperfect process. IMO, breaking up was the healthy thing to do, for both of them. Hopefully each will learn from the process. 1
beyond Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Hey everyone, I had been dating this girl for a year and some change. When I met her she was a smoker and I told her I wouldn't move in with her until she quit, which she did. We got an apartment together and everything was fine. That lasted for about 2 months. She started hiding her smoking and lying to me about it. I was very upset with her after I found out, and she said she would quit. She continued to smoke for about 3 months, going from a couple a day to a whole pack. She said that she had promised herself she would quit before she turned 25. The night before her birthday she quit, and then first thing in the morning she did was smoke. This pattern would repeat itself many more times, with her quitting for a period of time and always starting back up again. Usually it was after we got in a fight, she would grab her keys and yell "I'm gonna go smoke" and would go buy cigarettes. That made me angry because it felt like she was doing it to spite me. After many cycles of quitting, lying, smoking, quitting again, I had enough. I told her she needed to quit or I wouldn't stay with her. She dragged her feet for a month before she finally "quit". About a week later I thought I smelled smoke on her. I asked her if she had anything to tell me and she said no. Several times that week I thought I smelled smoke on her and asked her and each time she said no. During that whole time she was being really nasty and mean to me everyday. Finally she snapped and said she had been smoking. I broke up with her on the spot. That was 3 months ago. She had lied to me numerous times about this and I was sick of it. She complained that smoking was "her choice" but it affected both of us. We couldn't watch a tv show or a movie without her taking several smoke breaks. She smelled like a bar stool in a smokey old dive. When we took trips in my truck she would want to smoke in it, and would throw a fit if I didn't let her. In addition to that it made me mad every time she smoked around me because she had lied to me about it. I used to smoke and I know it's hard to quit, but it's not as hard as she makes it out to be. I feel like I gave her enough chances, probably too many. Has anyone else ever broken up with their loved one over smoking? I can't be alone in this. She has made me feel like I broke up with her over nothing, but this is a big deal, right? Yes, it IS a big deal. It's something you don't want and that's your right to say, just as it's her right to say 'well stuff it, I want to smoke, I'm off!' For what it's worth I dated someone a long time ago who smoked. One of the first things he did after he first started talking to me was offer me a cigarette. I told him I didn't smoke and he said he hardly did either....which turned out to really mean he smoked about 40 a day!!!! Because I was inexperienced in relationships, I thought I'd keep quiet and he would just 'realise' I hated it by the way I coughed everytime he blew smoke! (I know, I was dumb!). In the end, I was so physically repulsed by the smell of his clothes and breath that I couldn't even bring myself to kiss him - he was gorgeous looking so I realised then how much of a deal breaker this really was for me.
IT Geek Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 No it's not a big deal. It IS a big deal to some. I would not date a smoker, no matter how loving or hot she is...period.
Samilia Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 I used to smoke and my boyfriend at the time kept bugging me about smoking. It never worked. He did irritate me and I felt hounded. Eventually I quit on my own, a month or so after the break up actually, without anybody stressing me about it it was easier. I think it's ok not to want to date a smoker, however I would have called it right away. Smoking is an addiction and to end an addiction you have to take the decision to quit, no amount of hounding is going to make someone stop if they don't want to. If you next date is a smoker just walk away, it's easier than going through the same situation again. 1
flitzanu Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I used to smoke and my boyfriend at the time kept bugging me about smoking. It never worked. He did irritate me and I felt hounded. Eventually I quit on my own, a month or so after the break up actually, without anybody stressing me about it it was easier. I think it's ok not to want to date a smoker, however I would have called it right away. Smoking is an addiction and to end an addiction you have to take the decision to quit, no amount of hounding is going to make someone stop if they don't want to. If you next date is a smoker just walk away, it's easier than going through the same situation again. exactly. just to be clear my replies are not based on "wanting to date a smoker" it's the obvious examples from people that never suffered from the addictions of smoking. it isn't just "quit and walk away". people suffer for years trying to quit. if the OP truly wanted to be with the girl, seems there'd be much more of a support base instead of "do what i say and not be a smoker or i'm dumping you." when does giving an ultimatum ever accomplish anything anyway? just saying, if you're not a smoker, just don't presume to understand the ease/difficulty of quitting, because in this instance, you truly can't empathize.
movingon12 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 One thing that doesn't help is every smoker I know frequently says 'I'm trying to quit". Now, most of them I know well enough to think but when it's someone new, you don't know whether they actually mean that or not. I told my husband on the night we first met that I didn't like smoking, and he said 'I'll quit'. He did. Eventually. When he was ready. To not date anyone who smokes could mean losing out on being in a relationship with someone who could be wonderful. But smokers don't realise how disgusting the smell is until they quit. They think it's not a big deal. It would help everyone if they were more honest about whether they actually want to quit, or whether they are just saying it because that's what they think others want to hear. 2
flitzanu Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 But smokers don't realise how disgusting the smell is until they quit. They think it's not a big deal. It would help everyone if they were more honest about whether they actually want to quit, or whether they are just saying it because that's what they think others want to hear. it's true. i had no clue how disgusting i was until i stopped smoking and started vaping. i'm surprised anyone ever made out with me.
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