CantgetoveritNY Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 How can a person in a long term relationship compete with an outside person offering infatuation sex to your partner? If your spouse is the kind that seeks the rush of a new relationship is there a defense? My wife said that the sex in her affair was in some was better and some ways not as good. She told me about this at a time that she was being honest without regard to my feelings. Before she started to feel bad about what she had done. While she was newly separated from her affair partner but still in love with him and blaming me for her having needed him. She was being raw and honest. She said that she only reached climax with him once. But that it did not matter. That she felt such love and romantic feelings for him and from him that a kiss from him was better than to climax with me. She has always been a very sexually oriented person though. So she still needed me, sexually, during the affair. I recall that, during the time period that I later learned she was having her affair, she initiated sex with me more than normally for us and was more receptive to my advances. She explained later that was because as "amazing and spiritual" (her words) as the sex with him was she did not climax and felt the need to get that more than usual from me. The other man did get her motor running. A passionate phone call from him might turn into a booty call for me. How is that for cake eating! What bothers me is that when my wife and I first met, our sex was "amazing and spiritual" to her PLUS she climaxed. Like three times a day (back then.) So now it is not like that. No three times a day. No infatuation of course. I feel in danger that she will find another guy that she can feel (her words) "swept off her feet" with. I know that is what she felt with me long ago and with the affair partner when they started. I love our sex life now and don't feel the need to recapture the infatuation sex we had. Sure it would be great but I don't see that as realistic. Am I wrong?
Mr. Lucky Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 My wife said that the sex in her affair was in some was better and some ways not as good. She told me about this at a time that she was being honest without regard to my feelings. Before she started to feel bad about what she had done. While she was newly separated from her affair partner but still in love with him and blaming me for her having needed him. She was being raw and honest. She said that she only reached climax with him once. But that it did not matter. That she felt such love and romantic feelings for him and from him that a kiss from him was better than to climax with me. ... I love our sex life now and don't feel the need to recapture the infatuation sex we had. Sure it would be great but I don't see that as realistic. Am I wrong? I don't know. I'd never stay with a woman that a). felt that way and b). told me so. CantgetoveritNY, almost everything you post (starting with your screen name, BTW) indicates that your wife has taken something from you that you can't live without. And while you certainly haven't forgiven, she doesn't seem to to working hard enough to make you forget. Why go on like this? Mr. Lucky
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 I don't know. I'd never stay with a woman that a). felt that way and b). told me so. CantgetoveritNY, almost everything you post (starting with your screen name, BTW) indicates that your wife has taken something from you that you can't live without. And while you certainly haven't forgiven, she doesn't seem to to working hard enough to make you forget. Why go on like this? Mr. Lucky She was not at that time working at all to make me forget. That was 5 months ago, D day. A short time after D day she started saying the right things but not taking any actions that gave me a feeling she was really believing what she was saying. I think she intellectually wanted to reconnect but was not there emotionally. In the last few weeks I see concrete actions to reconcile. Evidence of remorse and empathy for what I've been through. Perspective on what happened as a failing. As far as being unable to live with that she felt that way, well, it was a temporary thing. No one can keep up the infatuation phase for long, right? She felt that was for me too when we were new to each other. So if that feeling has now passed, I can live with that she had that feeling. I think. And maybe we can feel that way about each other again, temporarily? I think I see you point though. Even though it is a temporary threat, the susceptibility to being swept off her feet is too dangerous. I guess your answer is that no, there is no defense to that vulnerability. If she has that problem then there is nothing I can do about it, is that what you mean? Your biggest question is perhaps off topic, but hey, its my thread! Why keep trying when I obviously can't get over it. I hope to get over it. Why? I've had this urge to get over it before I came here to LS but one poster put it very well. He said something like, "Imagine sitting in your own drive way, waiting to get your own kids, watching a couple in your house send them out to you." Of course that is just one of hundreds of reasons to try to reconcile. I don't know if I can but I want to try. The other option seems pretty bad. I don't want to be a door mat and I don't think I'm headed in that direction. But I don't want to give up on reconciliation either.
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 man if I was in your shoes I'd be running out the door. Your wife seems very selfish. if you want things to work with her you need to get couples counceling. However, I'd suggest running away! She does act very selfishly at times. She has narcissistic qualities as well. She started individual counseling last week. Something she never did before. She thought herself perfect so why would she need that. Now she has perspective and says she realizes she did a self degrading and despicable thing. She wants to figure out what is wrong with her that she could do that before we go to couples counseling.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Your biggest question is perhaps off topic, but hey, its my thread! Agree that part of my response was OT, so in the spirit of your reply, here goes... What you've identified is one of the biggest challenges in recovering from an A. As has been pointed out here many times, it's not unusual for a WS to see the sex with their AP as different and "better", especially given the foggy fantasy world, free from the normal constraints of daily life, in which it takes place. Many married couples say that "vacation sex" is for them the best. An A can be long-term vacation sex - no kids at the door, no chores to be done, no lingering resentment over last night's argument. So how does a BS deal with this post D-Day? I'd guess that the onus has to be on the WS to provide what was taken away. Just as they courted and seduced - or were seduced by - their AP, they must then do the heavy lifting to reconnect physically with their spouse. Obviously, it's a delicate dance to do this while simultaneously rebuilding trust and faith in the relationship with a BS that may love you but hate what you've done... Mr. Lucky 1
drifter777 Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 How can a person in a long term relationship compete with an outside person offering infatuation sex to your partner? If your spouse is the kind that seeks the rush of a new relationship is there a defense?? If you married a woman who is a romantic "love junkie" then no, you cannot compete and there is no defense. You need to determine if this is who she is. Counseling - both marriage and individual - is probably the only way to find this answer. What bothers me is that when my wife and I first met, our sex was "amazing and spiritual" to her PLUS she climaxed. Like three times a day (back then.) So now it is not like that. No three times a day. No infatuation of course. I feel in danger that she will find another guy that she can feel (her words) "swept off her feet" with. The behavior your wife has exhibited is really discouraging as far as reconciliation and repairing trust go. I know that is what she felt with me long ago and with the affair partner when they started. I love our sex life now and don't feel the need to recapture the infatuation sex we had. Sure it would be great but I don't see that as realistic. Am I wrong? No, you can never duplicate the infatuation period so if this is what your wife needs to be "happy", you guys are in big trouble. 1
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 No, you can never duplicate the infatuation period so if this is what your wife needs to be "happy", you guys are in big trouble. I think you are right. She is in counseling. I hope she sees this is an immature way of approaching relationships. Knowing her dating history way back I see this is a long term problem for her so my hope for a change may be unrealistic. I'm going to give it a chance though.
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