Letting the affair reach it's natural conclusion

[carhill]

I have read some posts on here suggesting that an affair should be allowed to reach it's natural conclusion instead of being killed stone dead by d-day (or not as the case may be).

 

Anyone experienced this?

 

From what I gathered from your posting, you have some thoughts and feelings about H's 'unfinished business', potential or real, with his affair partner, due to the abrupt ending of the affair, rather than it resolving on its own and him seeing a clear path without it, and the person, as a potential. If that's correct, I can understand your concerns. Unfinished business, even if stuffed down psychologically, can leak into other parts of a person's life. It could be a parent, a sibling, an ex, or an affair partner, amongst many other potentials.

 

My dynamic didn't end in reconciliation as yours did, and I congratulate you for that success, but I did learn a lot about unfinished business in the process. I will say that concluding such business naturally lent an air of peace and finality that I had not experienced prior in life, other than with death. As everyone's psychology is different, perhaps some people can process such emotional decisions arbitrarily and with finality and others must process them to their eventual conclusion, and everything in between.

 

What I would suggest is, if your H has stated that his affair is concluded and he has made peace with its conclusion and his actions consistently and proactively support that conclusion, that you accept that as authentic, both at the cognitive and emotional levels, for today. Tomorrow is a new day.

 

As an anecdote, far different than your own, my situation reached its natural conclusion about a year before our D was final and I've had little to no thought of that person, or my exW, in the period since, about three years ago. For me, it worked. For someone else, something else might work better. Good luck.

[2sure]

I am a forgiving person. It's my nature because in my life I have had to ask for forgiveness. I know people can change, because I have.

 

There are many different kinds of infidelity and Different definitions of what a BS's deal breaker might be. I believe successful reconciliation can almost always be a viable possibility.

 

I've been a BS, but most of my experience with infidelity comes from being OW:

 

For those that think the physical aspect is important....the difference between love and sex is recreational. Affairs are like a hobby, they love the hobby, but it's not important it's just fun. Even if the marriage has issues and the affair is a conflict avoidance resolution, when DDay or demands create conflict....that IS its natural end. And a BS doesn't have to wonder...did I make my WS come back?

No. You made him give up a hobby or a bad habit. Sure, maybe he really loved it or enjoyed it and will miss it...but is wasn't that important.

 

Hence the phrase "It didn't mean anything". No matter what they texted or did, chances are they are telling you the truth. That's the can of worms you have to deal with.

[BrokenPrincess]

No offense, but do you see how you're compartmentalizing both your own affair and your marriage. That you can discuss how you would not put up with your husband cheating on you, and then keep your affair secret.

 

Yes I do see that. I agree that is ironic, hypocritical, ridiculous, and offensive. But it is also honest.

 

Even though xMM & I talked about lots of mundane everyday life stuff, the relationships with xMM and my H almost always felt entirely independent of each other. I have learned that I am apparently adept at compartmentalizing. I didn't know what that was before, but it's also why I rarely felt guilt during my A.

[Realist3]

Mine carried on after D day the next day. he admitted to me recently that he told her it was over and she just accepted his word' date=' but she could have and could find out easily if she wanted to. Some long term affairs do not end on d day as the feelings are still there. It is not a natural ending as you say, it is not even an ending, it is a sudden explosion o crazy emotions where nobody thinks straight. But it can never be natural can it.[/quote']

 

 

I think this is very true. If two people have a relationship it doesn't just go poof because it was discovered by the BS. Maybe shorter term A's might, but if there is a relationship that is established over a period of timethe relationship still exists even though it is may not be recognized.

 

In terms of the OP's suggestion, I think that is probably the healthiest choice.

[Furious]

Yes I do see that. I agree that is ironic, hypocritical, ridiculous, and offensive. But it is also honest.

 

Even though xMM & I talked about lots of mundane everyday life stuff, the relationships with xMM and my H almost always felt entirely independent of each other. I have learned that I am apparently adept at compartmentalizing. I didn't know what that was before, but it's also why I rarely felt guilt during my A.

 

I wonder...kinda like what came first, the egg or the chicken, is it that an affair creates the ability to compartmentalize or having that trait makes it easier to get into an affair?

 

Have you noticed if you compartmentalized other aspects in your life?

[CantgetoveritNY]

Yes I do see that. I agree that is ironic, hypocritical, ridiculous, and offensive. But it is also honest.

 

Even though xMM & I talked about lots of mundane everyday life stuff, the relationships with xMM and my H almost always felt entirely independent of each other. I have learned that I am apparently adept at compartmentalizing. I didn't know what that was before, but it's also why I rarely felt guilt during my A.

 

Not to offend you but what this sounds like is serious mental dysfunction. Saying it is compartmentalizing makes it sound tame. But not feeling guilt about this and no empathy, I don't know the exact psychological terms but psychopath comes to mind. But then you did feel guilty later and broke it off, right? So affair induced mental illness?

[BrokenPrincess]

I wonder...kinda like what came first, the egg or the chicken, is it that an affair creates the ability to compartmentalize or having that trait makes it easier to get into an affair?

 

Have you noticed if you compartmentalized other aspects in your life?

 

No I haven't, in fact most facets of my life have usually all intermingled, almost to a fault... H would always join my old work teams for happy hours, my mom invited 10 of my close friends to her small birthday dinner last year, etc. I've never cheated in any relationship before or been cheated on (that I know of). Both H & I's parents are still married in decent Ms. Aside from romantic relationships, I have a few lifelong friends and tons of newer ones. I'm usually described as the most loyal friend who does a great job keeping friendships alive, organizing get togethers, encouraging my friends to build relationships with each other.

[BrokenPrincess]

Not to offend you but what this sounds like is serious mental dysfunction. Saying it is compartmentalizing makes it sound tame. But not feeling guilt about this and no empathy, I don't know the exact psychological terms but psychopath comes to mind. But then you did feel guilty later and broke it off, right? So affair induced mental illness?

 

I RARELY felt guilt while it was going on. Talking to him was part of my work day, break for dinner & family time, back together messaging each other & playing a game from 9ish-11, then goodnight wishes. Weekend messaging every couple hours. We live in different states so physical meetings weren't in our own homes, cars, or fave restaurants, etc. I think all that helped make it feel very separate.

 

I'm going to be honest with you, I only thought about xMMs wife once, when I heard her voice while they talked during one of our visits. It did give me quite a jolt, that she was a real person. And I felt even worse when he hung up & smiled & said "Yes! That's done! We're free for the rest of the night!"

 

I did not end our A by choice and neither did he. His W caught him on his phone & we've been NC for 2 months. About a week after that, the guilt of betraying my family hit. I pushed my H away for quite a few weeks because I couldn't stomach how wonderful he is. I've looked in my sons eyes and cried. Don't worry, the guilt is here now.

[waterwoman]

Thanks for all your responses.

 

H thinks I'm crazy to even consider this could have been an option but having said that he doesn't deny he was emotionally attached to her for quite a while after d-day. I know he loves me, he tells me all the time, but I am struggling with the concept that he loved her enough to take a risk with our marriage even if it was just for a short time. And wondering what I did so wrong - he tell me it wasn't anything to do with me and I did nothing wrong but it doesn't seem to help.

 

I am slowly driving myself crazy. I am driving him crazy. I keep wondering if there was an optimum way of handling this situation to make it better for everyone. But then the reality dawns that it wasn't my 'situation' to handle. I don't deal with that very well....

 

Grrrrrrr!!!!! Wish I could get this twisting worm out of my head!!

[CantgetoveritNY]

I RARELY felt guilt while it was going on. Talking to him was part of my work day, break for dinner & family time, back together messaging each other & playing a game from 9ish-11, then goodnight wishes. Weekend messaging every couple hours. We live in different states so physical meetings weren't in our own homes, cars, or fave restaurants, etc. I think all that helped make it feel very separate.

 

I'm going to be honest with you, I only thought about xMMs wife once, when I heard her voice while they talked during one of our visits. It did give me quite a jolt, that she was a real person. And I felt even worse when he hung up & smiled & said "Yes! That's done! We're free for the rest of the night!"

 

I did not end our A by choice and neither did he. His W caught him on his phone & we've been NC for 2 months. About a week after that, the guilt of betraying my family hit. I pushed my H away for quite a few weeks because I couldn't stomach how wonderful he is. I've looked in my sons eyes and cried. Don't worry, the guilt is here now.

 

I'm so sorry you are hurting. I'm in your H's position myself and I know when I see my wife suffering for her bad choices I wish I could make it go away. I know if she were not in pain that would make her heartless. But at the same time I don't want her to suffer. I wish I could just give her amnesia or something. I hope you can rebuild your relationship if that is what you want.

[Spark1111]

Thanks for all your responses.

 

H thinks I'm crazy to even consider this could have been an option but having said that he doesn't deny he was emotionally attached to her for quite a while after d-day. I know he loves me, he tells me all the time, but I am struggling with the concept that he loved her enough to take a risk with our marriage even if it was just for a short time. And wondering what I did so wrong - he tell me it wasn't anything to do with me and I did nothing wrong but it doesn't seem to help.

 

I am slowly driving myself crazy. I am driving him crazy. I keep wondering if there was an optimum way of handling this situation to make it better for everyone. But then the reality dawns that it wasn't my 'situation' to handle. I don't deal with that very well....

 

Grrrrrrr!!!!! Wish I could get this twisting worm out of my head!!

 

Here is what you say to the twisting worm: I did not cause this. I could not have controlled it. I cannot change it now. I can only change the way I respond to it.

 

Repeat after me......