Letting the affair reach it's natural conclusion

[waterwoman]

I have read some posts on here suggesting that an affair should be allowed to reach it's natural conclusion instead of being killed stone dead by d-day (or not as the case may be ).

 

I have to admit I would have found that very hard to stomach but part of me wonders whether that would have been an alternative. I can't see that H's affair would have lasted long in the 'real world' as they had nothing much in common and she was half his age so I think exposure might well have finished it fairly soon. And then perhaps H could have come back to his marriage without any regrets. As I can't see into his head I don't know what his feelings are exactly toward OW but I know he cares about her - I know he loves me a great deal and we are doing OK but I still wonder....

 

Anyone experienced this?

 

I might add that H thinks it's a stupid idea! But if I had asked him on d-day I don't know if his answer would have been the same.

Edited December 18, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merge

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I have read some posts on here suggesting that an affair should be allowed to reach it's natural conclusion instead of being killed stone dead by d-day (or not as the case may be ).

 

I have to admit I would have found that very hard to stomach but part of me wonders whether that would have been an alternative. I can't see that H's affair would have lasted long in the 'real world' as they had nothing much in common and she was half his age so I think exposure might well have finished it fairly soon. And then perhaps H could have come back to his marriage without any regrets. As I can't see into his head I don't know what his feelings are exactly toward OW but I know he cares about her - I know he loves me a great deal and we are doing OK but I still wonder....

 

Anyone experienced this?

 

IDK. Why do APs break off the A other than D-Day? Guilt? Jealousy? Too much drama?

 

My wife ended her affair after 3 months due to guilt and the hell it was creating in our home. She was not very good at living the double life. This was about the time that I was getting very suspicious, so it ended before I discovered it on my own.

 

I have wondered what would've happened if I did have a D-day during the affair. What if she was better at living the double life and continued the affair?

Edited December 18, 2012 by Betrayed&Stayed

[Ninja'sHusband]

I think the advice I've seen is EXPOSE THE AFFAIR, then let it come to it's "natural" conclusion ^^. Affairs can last a long time, but not when everyone is looking on. And if your marriage doesn't survive the exposure...maybe it wasn't meant to be anyway

[Spark1111]

I have read some posts on here suggesting that an affair should be allowed to reach it's natural conclusion instead of being killed stone dead by d-day (or not as the case may be ).

 

I have to admit I would have found that very hard to stomach but part of me wonders whether that would have been an alternative. I can't see that H's affair would have lasted long in the 'real world' as they had nothing much in common and she was half his age so I think exposure might well have finished it fairly soon. And then perhaps H could have come back to his marriage without any regrets. As I can't see into his head I don't know what his feelings are exactly toward OW but I know he cares about her - I know he loves me a great deal and we are doing OK but I still wonder....

 

Anyone experienced this?

 

Sort of.

 

I threw him out and told him to go get her. He was begging to reconcile and lived with her, unknown set to me, for about three weeks. The he moved into a series of hotels and his sister's.

 

Initially, I sensed he just wanted a return to the status quo and would continue or resume the affair. I refused to be anyone's default choice and made it oh, so easy to ride off into the sunset with his affair partner.

 

I know he never told her he had carte Blanche from me to do that. I also knew when they had been in touch as his whole demeanor towards me would change.

 

Whenever I discovered continued contact, I'd have him leave again, demanding to know why he was still here?

 

When exposed to the light of day, yes, it did gain an importance it had not had before: the affair bubble was burst.

 

But I did not know at the time I was executing a perfect 180, and I think that worked to end it more than anything.

 

When it wasn't illicit, forbidden, an act of rebellion anymore, when I took my dog completely out of that fight, it died a natural death within 3 months. He initiated NC and worked tirelessly for me to give him a second chance.

[beenburned]

WW,

 

I think what most people don't realize is that stats say the majority of cheating is ONS/FWB/FB. So that means only a minority of all affairs are about loving the AP.

 

My H's cheating was sexual only with women that begged him to have sex with them. If I had not been a SAHM with 2 little kids on d-day, I would have immediately divorced him. I really don't think any of these OW were marriage material in his eyes.

 

However, if my H had a long term love affair, I wouldn't have wanted to stay married to him. Most men like this are cake eaters that want a wife and a mistress.

[Spark1111]

WW,

 

I think what most people don't realize is that stats say the majority of cheating is ONS/FWB/FB. So that means only a minority of all affairs are about loving the AP.

 

My H's cheating was sexual only with women that begged him to have sex with them. If I had not been a SAHM with 2 little kids on d-day, I would have immediately divorced him. I really don't think any of these OW were marriage material in his eyes.

 

However, if my H had a long term love affair, I wouldn't have wanted to stay married to him. Most men like this are cake eaters that want a wife and a mistress.

 

I guess that is my point. I found these words of great, unrequited love in a cell phone text...talk of reaching his financial goals and taking care of her and her child forever.....

 

So, I made it very, very easy for him to do so.

 

When it turned out to be the very last thing he wanted, no one was more confused than I.

 

It's how I wound up at LS and other sites; seeking information about affairs. If it was truly true love, who wouldn't jump at the chance to shout it from the rooftops now that it had been discovered and the BS was making it easy as pie to proceed?

 

In a nutshell? I now believe APs will absolutely do and say anything to keep that chemically-induced affair high going.....ANYTHING

 

AND

 

He lied to me, he lied to her, but most of all, he lied to himself. After DDAY, he was a sack of confusion, depression, anger, and yes, tears.

 

It did not look anything like love to me.

[beenburned]

Spark,

 

Great post!!!

[Minnie09]

Sort of.

 

I threw him out and told him to go get her. He was begging to reconcile and lived with her, unknown set to me, for about three weeks. The he moved into a series of hotels and his sister's.

 

Initially, I sensed he just wanted a return to the status quo and would continue or resume the affair. I refused to be anyone's default choice and made it oh, so easy to ride off into the sunset with his affair partner.

 

I know he never told her he had carte Blanche from me to do that. I also knew when they had been in touch as his whole demeanor towards me would change.

 

Whenever I discovered continued contact, I'd have him leave again, demanding to know why he was still here?

 

When exposed to the light of day, yes, it did gain an importance it had not had before: the affair bubble was burst.

 

But I did not know at the time I was executing a perfect 180, and I think that worked to end it more than anything.

 

When it wasn't illicit, forbidden, an act of rebellion anymore, when I took my dog completely out of that fight, it died a natural death within 3 months. He initiated NC and worked tirelessly for me to give him a second chance.

 

Spark, I never asked you this: How old were/was your kid/s when that happened, and how did they deal with it? Father has affair, moves out, moves back in.

[CantgetoveritNY]

Mine carried on after D day the next day. he admitted to me recently that he told her it was over and she just accepted his word' date=' but she could have and could find out easily if she wanted to. Some long term affairs do not end on d day as the feelings are still there. It is not a natural ending as you say, it is not even an ending, it is a sudden explosion o crazy emotions where nobody thinks straight. But it can never be natural can it.[/quote']

 

I think D day can be a precipitating event. Not in your case where the BS takes a head in the sand approach. But with everyone fully aware and active an exposure of the affair can lead to a conclusion that otherwise might have been avoided. The various parties would no longer be able to put off a decisions on what they want as a resolution to the love triangle. Be that an end to the affair by the marriage partners attempting reconciliation or the affair partners attempting a LTR. Exposure would begin that discussion and induce the "natural" end. Letting it remain underground may avoid it ever getting to an end at all. It may be in limbo indefinitely.

 

I do not understand the theory of letting the WS move out and carry on with the AP for some length of time hoping that the realities of daily life with the AP will bring the WS back. If that is what is meant by "natural death" I'd euthanize it first. A WS that is willing to let their BS see them live with an AP is cruel beyond redemption. And a BS that is willing to watch that as an experiment to see if the WS comes back is being a doormat.

[BrokenPrincess]

Hyprocrite alert: As a W, I would never allow my H to carry on an A if I knew about it.

 

As a fMOW, I still wish my xMM and I could have had a "natural conclusion" instead of D-Day. Would I have eventually just gotten sick of him? Would the guilt have finally kicked in too strong to me to continue? Would we have given in to I Love Yous and future faking? Would I have ended up breaking his heart, as he was so sure it would end up?

 

Just feels like tremendous unfinished business...

[Spark1111]

Spark, I never asked you this: How old were/was your kid/s when that happened, and how did they deal with it? Father has affair, moves out, moves back in.

 

Young adults. Ages 24, 23, and 18.

 

I never intended to tell them. I wanted to protect them, but that was a fallacy to think I could control myself. We had just returned from a family reunion (his) vacation in another state. I kept this under my hat for 5 excruciating days before confronting him with all the evidence I assembled.

 

I told him I would move out for two days, so he could have the weekend to pack and get out. My oldest surprised me as I was packing my bags and caught me sobbing.

 

She intuited it immediately. My children rallied around me. They told me whatever I needed to do to heal, to do. I told them the same.

 

I told them to treat him with respect. I did not know where our marriage was headed but that was not their concern and I would not involve them.

They did meet with their dad; my daughters were angry; my son a puddle, but I encouraged a continued close relationship with their dad.

 

I am so proud of how well they handled it. Everyone voiced an opinion, but I refused to have them pick a side.

 

My H wound up, months later, writing them a letter of apology claiming I was never to blame; his depressed, warped thinking was.

[Radagast]

I have read some posts on here suggesting that an affair should be allowed to reach it's natural conclusion instead of being killed stone dead by d-day (or not as the case may be ).

 

I have to admit I would have found that very hard to stomach but part of me wonders whether that would have been an alternative. I can't see that H's affair would have lasted long in the 'real world' as they had nothing much in common and she was half his age so I think exposure might well have finished it fairly soon. And then perhaps H could have come back to his marriage without any regrets. As I can't see into his head I don't know what his feelings are exactly toward OW but I know he cares about her - I know he loves me a great deal and we are doing OK but I still wonder....

 

Anyone experienced this?

 

I might add that H thinks it's a stupid idea! But if I had asked him on d-day I don't know if his answer would have been the same.

 

Our A reached its natural conclusion.

 

We did not have a "D-Day", instead I told my then-wife I was in love with another woman and intended to leave the marriage when I found a suitable place to live with the children. She chose not to believe that. Perhaps she thought that I would change my mind or perhaps she really did believe that I was completely unlovable and must be making it all up since no woman could possibly love me, I don't know.

[Spark1111]

I think D day can be a precipitating event. Not in your case where the BS takes a head in the sand approach. But with everyone fully aware and active an exposure of the affair can lead to a conclusion that otherwise might have been avoided. The various parties would no longer be able to put off a decisions on what they want as a resolution to the love triangle. Be that an end to the affair by the marriage partners attempting reconciliation or the affair partners attempting a LTR. Exposure would begin that discussion and induce the "natural" end. Letting it remain underground may avoid it ever getting to an end at all. It may be in limbo indefinitely.

 

I do not understand the theory of letting the WS move out and carry on with the AP for some length of time hoping that the realities of daily life with the AP will bring the WS back. If that is what is meant by "natural death" I'd euthanize it first. A WS that is willing to let their BS see them live with an AP is cruel beyond redemption. And a BS that is willing to watch that as an experiment to see if the WS comes back is being a doormat.

 

It's none of the above. I didn't care enough to police him. I thought he was living in hotels, or with his sister, and he was for the first week. After that, he was at her house for about three weeks.

 

I wouldn't learn that for months, but at that point in time, I felt we were done, caput, over and heading for divorce.

 

The only time I tried to reach him was when it involved one of our children. I refused to discuss "us" for a very long time.

[Spark1111]

Hyprocrite alert: As a W, I would never allow my H to carry on an A if I knew about it.

 

As a fMOW, I still wish my xMM and I could have had a "natural conclusion" instead of D-Day. Would I have eventually just gotten sick of him? Would the guilt have finally kicked in too strong to me to continue? Would we have given in to I Love Yous and future faking? Would I have ended up breaking his heart, as he was so sure it would end up?

 

Just feels like tremendous unfinished business...

 

I agree, but how would you control your H? Why would you want to when you assume he is just dying to have a future with someone else?

 

I was waiting for him to file for D, not start begging to reconcile. I too, was very confused and gave myself permission not to decide anything.

 

I was just trying to function and help myself to heal from a staggering betrayal, and keep my children intact and safe from gossip.

 

What he did after DDay, was of little concern to me. I could not get over the magnitude of lying.

 

It was almost a relief to discover the existence of an OW. It explained so much of his distant, almost nasty, behavior towards me.

[Furious]

I agree, but how would you control your H? Why would you want to when you assume he is just dying to have a future with someone else?

 

I was waiting for him to file for D, not start begging to reconcile. I too, was very confused and gave myself permission not to decide anything.

 

I was just trying to function and help myself to heal from a staggering betrayal, and keep my children intact and safe from gossip.

 

What he did after DDay, was of little concern to me. I could not get over the magnitude of lying.

 

 

It was almost a relief to discover the existence of an OW. It explained so much of his distant, almost nasty, behavior towards me.

 

 

Very much like you Spark I did a 18O before I knew what is was.

 

On my D-day I just wanted my husband gone, I did it for me, not as a ploy or as some way to put a stop to his affair.

 

I was not going to police my husband or plead for him. I did confide in

only a few close relatives and my long time best friend. I cried rivers, it was like I'd been sucker punched and I really don't remember how I got through those early days. I wouldn't take my husband's calls. I did see a lawyer. I found strength in getting my ducks in order.

 

 

I was prepared to divorce, I was in IC and so were my young teenaged children. I was moving forward. I knew that I'd someday be ok.

[Spark1111]

Very much like you Spark I did a 18O before I knew what is was.

 

On my D-day I just wanted my husband gone, I did it for me, not as a ploy or as some way to put a stop to his affair.

 

I was not going to police my husband or plead for him. I did confide in

only a few close relatives and my long time best friend. I cried rivers, it was like I'd been sucker punched and I really don't remember how I got through those early days. I wouldn't take my husband's calls. I did see a lawyer. I found strength in getting my ducks in order.

 

 

I was prepared to divorce, I was in IC and so were my young teenaged children. I was moving forward. I knew that I'd someday be ok.

 

Same here....and some things were just so odd in those early days. He called ME up to share some very happy news. He had reached an important goal...and I stared at that phone for five minutes.

 

I told him to STOP calling me like I was his friend or something. In retrospect, how compartmentalized was his psyche that he would even think to share that with me at that moment in time?

 

That's why I shake my head when OW always assume us BS is manipulating the WS back home.

 

I could not manipulate my way out of a paper bag in those early days.

[Snowflower]

I really wonder what the natural conclusion even is in most affairs?

 

It seems like the WS/MP is okay with just stringing both the spouse and the AP forever. The WS is too cowardly to make a decision or loves eating cake too much to let anything reach a natural conclusion.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have read some posts on here suggesting that an affair should be allowed to reach it's natural conclusion instead of being killed stone dead by d-day (or not as the case may be ).

 

I have to admit I would have found that very hard to stomach but part of me wonders whether that would have been an alternative. I can't see that H's affair would have lasted long in the 'real world' as they had nothing much in common and she was half his age so I think exposure might well have finished it fairly soon. And then perhaps H could have come back to his marriage without any regrets.

Waterwoman, I'm not sure what your suggesting. I don't think it's a real world alternative for a BS to stick their head in the sand and hope that the eventual outcome would lead to a healthy marriage....

 

Mr. Lucky

[BrokenPrincess]

I agree, but how would you control your H? Why would you want to when you assume he is just dying to have a future with someone else?

 

If I was my xMM's BS and was told it was just inappropriate texting and he was completely remorseful, I would probably try to work it out for the sake of our family and the life we've built. If I found out my H was physical with someone else, I think I would be too disgusted to have him in the house, at least in the short term, but I *think* in reality I would still try to R.

 

But if he was professing feelings for OW, I would send him packing. I'm not going to compete if you don't want to be with me (...which I realize is completely ridiculous because I myself am proof that you can love your H and want to stay in your M, but still care for your xAP)

[Furious]

Same here....and some things were just so odd in those early days. He called ME up to share some very happy news. He had reached an important goal...and I stared at that phone for five minutes.

 

I told him to STOP calling me like I was his friend or something. In retrospect, how compartmentalized was his psyche that he would even think to share that with me at that moment in time?

 

That's why I shake my head when OW always assume us BS is manipulating the WS back home.

 

I could not manipulate my way out of a paper bag in those early days.

 

 

I still have a hard time trying to understand compartmentalization and how some WS's can just flip a switch in their head and live in such a way.

 

I truly believe that the only thing to do for a betrayed spouse is to let go, and as hard as that may be, it's not up to the betrayed spouse to either fix or enable a WS.

 

It's ironic that the betrayed spouse is sometimes labeled as manipulative by some OW, and yeah, if I'd been so manipulative how was it I was in the dark when it came to the affair.

[Spark1111]

If I was my xMM's BS and was told it was just inappropriate texting and he was completely remorseful, I would probably try to work it out for the sake of our family and the life we've built. If I found out my H was physical with someone else, I think I would be too disgusted to have him in the house, at least in the short term, but I *think* in reality I would still try to R.

 

But if he was professing feelings for OW, I would send him packing. I'm not going to compete if you don't want to be with me (...which I realize is completely ridiculous because I myself am proof that you can love your H and want to stay in your M, but still care for your xAP)

 

I did send him packing. I refused to compete. I refused to be anyone's default choice. I refused to take his calls. I refused to talk of "us." I refused his money.i refused to interfere or influence his children against him.

 

he kept showing up.He kept stopping by when I was home. he sent flowers, tried texting, pleading. on a few occasions, he stalked me when I was out with friends.

 

I ignored him.I wished them well. I was moving on.

[Spark1111]

If I was my xMM's BS and was told it was just inappropriate texting and he was completely remorseful, I would probably try to work it out for the sake of our family and the life we've built. If I found out my H was physical with someone else, I think I would be too disgusted to have him in the house, at least in the short term, but I *think* in reality I would still try to R.

 

But if he was professing feelings for OW, I would send him packing. I'm not going to compete if you don't want to be with me (...which I realize is completely ridiculous because I myself am proof that you can love your H and want to stay in your M, but still care for your xAP)

 

Not being snarky here, but yes, the ironies abound in what you would or wouldn't accept from your H given your sitch.

[road]

I have read some posts on here suggesting that an affair should be allowed to reach it's natural conclusion instead of being killed stone dead by d-day (or not as the case may be ).

 

I have to admit I would have found that very hard to stomach but part of me wonders whether that would have been an alternative. I can't see that H's affair would have lasted long in the 'real world' as they had nothing much in common and she was half his age so I think exposure might well have finished it fairly soon. And then perhaps H could have come back to his marriage without any regrets. As I can't see into his head I don't know what his feelings are exactly toward OW but I know he cares about her - I know he loves me a great deal and we are doing OK but I still wonder....

 

Anyone experienced this?

 

I might add that H thinks it's a stupid idea! But if I had asked him on d-day I don't know if his answer would have been the same.

 

 

Most affairs end in two years.

 

However there are still many that go past that.

 

Once the BS discovers the affair there is point in allowing it to end on it's own.

 

To do so is to ignore that some affairs do not end will risk the marriage ending before it can be recovered.

 

There is no reason for the BS to be tortured seeing their WS conduct their affair.

 

There is no reason for the BS to allow the affair to continue until the WW/OW gets knocked up.

[Furious]

If I was my xMM's BS and was told it was just inappropriate texting and he was completely remorseful, I would probably try to work it out for the sake of our family and the life we've built. If I found out my H was physical with someone else, I think I would be too disgusted to have him in the house, at least in the short term, but I *think* in reality I would still try to R.

 

But if he was professing feelings for OW, I would send him packing. I'm not going to compete if you don't want to be with me (...which I realize is completely ridiculous because I myself am proof that you can love your H and want to stay in your M, but still care for your xAP)

 

 

No offense, but do you see how you're compartmentalizing both your own affair and your marriage. That you can discuss how you would not put up with your husband cheating on you, and then keep your affair secret.

[BrokenPrincess]

Not being snarky here, but yes, the ironies abound in what you would or wouldn't accept from your H given your sitch.

 

Not taken snarkily. I am aware and agree completely.

 

In reality, I can't really know how I would react if my H actually strayed. Once upon a time, I found any kind of cheating appalling (tests, cutting in line, etc, much less relationships...I really rode a moral high horse). I would have never, ever in a million years imagined I would be involved in an affair.

 

Spark, I think you showed amazing strength to resist all of that. I hope you've had a happy ending to your story since then.