"Space" in a long term relationship... How to deal?

[NoClue2]

Hey guys, would really love some advice on giving someone space.

 

To make a long story short, my boyfriend of 2.5 yrs started saying he needed space a month ago after buying me a ring only 3 weeks before that, with the intent of getting engaged when we had the money. We barely fought before that, had a really solid relationship, but started fighting when he said he wanted to get his own place. Things came to blows a week ago, he moved out, we agreed to stay together but kind of fought a lot during the weekend and had no contact for 2 days until he messaged me earlier tonight.

 

Well, we ended up talking and after we made some small talk, he said that he really loves me but we just need time apart. He said that he's started saving a lot and that he thinks that we do better for ourselves when we have independence from eachother. He said he definitely doesn't want to be with anyone else and that he's not up to anything but that it's best if we don't see eachother for right now. I guess this is the true meaning of "space".

 

I asked him why we couldn't see eachother and he said that he thinks it will be best for me in the long run, as well as him. I assume he means that maybe it'll motivate me to find a better job and lose some of the weight I've gained since we got back together and get back to being healthy (he never said this though, just assuming). He said that even though I didn't see it, the relationship was getting to a bad place.

 

So instead of doing my usual, "tell me more about your reasons!!! If we just talk about this again and again, you'll see we should see eachother! You'll see your wrong and that space isn't best!"

 

Instead I said that if he didn't think we should see eachother, I wasn't going to fight him on it. I told him that I loved him, wouldn't talk to any guys either, and that he'd always be my [pet name]. He told me he loved me too, had no desire to be with anyone else and would only talk to me. Then a couple minutes later he texted me saying, "I love you so much." I said me too. And a half hour later he said, "I always will."

 

So, I guess I should just let him have his space? He's not cutting off all contact, he says we'll still talk, he's not seeing other girls and he's just trying to save money. All throughout our conversation he kept saying I'm his only love ever, that will never change, we just need space to see what will happen.

 

Am I being pathetic by accepting this or is this really just what "space" means in a relationship? How am I supposed to cope with not seeing him? Am I being stupid to agree to this? I know my best bet for making this work and making him miss me is to just keep it casual with him, not wait for his call, but not push him further away either. Anybody have any stories about "space" and their strategies in coping with it and making the person miss them? I guess he's being pretty clear about what he wants, so the best bet is just to give it to him?

[MichiganMan222]

From my experience, you're making the right decision. Nothing good ever comes out of not giving someone what they request (within reason).

 

Whether or not his request for 'space' with the intention of coming back is genuine, you'll soon enough find out, but I can't think of any scenario where refusing that would have a favorable outcome for you.

[NoClue2]

Thanks for your response, MichiganMan222. It's just so incredibly hard! You go from seeing someone everyday to being told we can't see eachother at all. It's such a blow.

 

Last time we broke up though, I lost a lot of weight, and had a pretty good job that I was taking seriously. I guess maybe I've gotten too comfortable in the relationship again. I have a feeling that's what he's referring to. I guess it's time to start hitting the gym and working on getting my career going. I can see why maybe he's getting frustrated.

[LostOne1]

I will say give him the space. I regret not giving my ex space when she wanted it. I was so scared, because people said when someone asks for space... it means they want to date or give someone else a chance or have someone else on their mind.

 

And sadly my ex was sharing a place with a few people, one of them being a guy she became close friends with. So I panicked and NEVER gave her the space she needed.

 

The truth is.. you can't do anything. If he asks for space you have to give it to him. But what he does with the space is going to give you your answers. Either he will use the space for himself and for you towards yourself. Or he is going to date someone else or hang with other women to see if he can be with someone else.

 

I'm not saying it to hurt you.. just preparing you for the worst if it comes to that.... But as I see it when someone asks for space it isn't a good sign.

 

The best thing you can do is give him ALL the space he needs. Just let him go and if he reaches out then you have an option to reach back or move on.

 

I guess the big question for me was.. would I take my ex back if she said she wanted space and dated other guys etc..

[NoClue2]

Hi LostOne1, thanks for the reply.

 

I honestly just don't think he is going to see other women. If he was going to do that, he would tell me. He's really, really cut and dry when it comes to these things and the last time we broke up, he slept with someone else and did not contact me at all and never replied to me even when I begged. He is not a sneaky, manipulative person like that and he has never cheated on me while in a relationship. When he says he's not going to talk to other girls, I believe him. He's also staying with a girl who I believe would tell me if that were the case (He is living with her and her boyfriend).

 

Everything he's said tonight just leads me to believe that he wants space to save money and miss eachother. I think we got into a rut without me fully realizing it. He's very clearly said he loves me and I'm his only love, that he will not talk to other women, and that he just wants to do this so we can both clear our heads and mature a little bit. I just know that if he really wanted to end things, he would do it - without a problem. Like he did before. He's not afraid to be alone and he wouldn't have a problem finding someone else.

 

As for your situation, believe me, I know how hard it is. I made a complete fool of myself the last time we broke up because I begged, pleaded, and fought for a month for him to take me back, give it another shot, etc. It wasn't until I let him go that he came back. I'm not doing that to myself again, and clearly it did me no favors last time. I don't want to smother him again and I want him to actually have time to miss me, and show that I can trust him.

 

It's hard as hell but I have no choice. I know that if I met someone now, no one would compare to him, so even if he does, we love eachother so much that no could take our place. I'm holding onto that as well.

[movingon12]

This is not what you want to hear but:

 

If a guy buys you a ring, and 3 weeks later moves out and tells you he needs space because it will be better for him (I know he said 'and you' - but be honest, he's not doing this for you, you want to be with the guy who you're supposed to be marrying - this is all about him and what he wants), this is not good.

 

Do I think you should give him space? Yes. Absolutely.

 

Do I think you two are going to end up getting married? Highly unlikely.

 

He might just be having pre-wedding jitters. But you guys aren't even engaged yet (tbh I don't understand the 'he gave me a ring' but you're not engaged - doesn't giving the ring=being engaged?) and he's already freaking out about something.

 

Maybe if you have enough time apart he will decide he does want to marry you after all. But, well, hmm, it's not a great start.

 

Edit: plus living separately is not cheaper than living together you won't save money, how on earth is being sad and alone supposed to motivate you to lose weight or get a job? Plus if you're really thinking you need to lose weight or he won't be interested anymore then your relationship is in way more trouble than you realise.

Edited December 18, 2012 by movingon12

[Gottabestrong]

Dear Noclue,

I have been in a similar situation once, where my ex said he just wanted some space and time apart to clear his head and figure out what he really wanted. We had also been together for over 2 years, living together for over 1. Well, this 'space' turned into 6 months of mixed messages (him still telling me that he cared about me, missed me and contacting me all the time to talk about whatever was on his mind, but he never wanted to get back together) and after 6 months I finally broke it off for good on my side. He never fought it, but only said that he was sad and wished me all the best for the future. We never got back together, but he was married to someone else within a year.

 

Here is my point: Give him the space he asks for, but don't regard this as space for HIM, but also for you. Give yourself a time-limit, maybe a month or so, during which you promise yourself not to contact him and not to bring up the relationship when he does. Focus on yourself and do whatever you can to distract yourself and get to a place where you are happy with yourself. Reconnect with family and friends, find a new hobby you like, etc.

 

After the time you set yourself has passed, re-evaluate the situation. Has he made attempts to reconcile, how do you feel about the situation, are you willing to continue waiting, etc. Then decide if you are willing to wait another period for him to make up his mind, or if it is time for you to have a talk, knowing full well that he might not want to reconcile and you might have to end things yourself, or be made to wait indefinitely.

 

What I want you to not experience, is the scenario where you stay friendly and in touch, but a few months down the line he tells you about this new girl he has feelings for, assuming you will be fine with it since you have only been friends for so long. Hanging on and waiting for someone who does not want to be with you anymore to change his mind is a very painful process, and it feels even worse if he never changes it.

 

Good luck!

[NoClue2]

Hey movingon12, thanks for your response, and the honesty is appreciated.

 

As for the ring, it's a nice gold ring but it's not an engagement ring. He just said that by giving me the ring, it meant he did want to marry me, wanted me to wear it on my marriage finger, but wanted to get me a better ring that is an actual engagement ring when we have the money.

 

And as for our living situation, we were living with my parents for a year, which was taking a toll on him since he's been on his own since 17 (I'm 23, he's 24). We live outside of the city which burns alot of gas and I lost my job so he was having to pay for everything plus what my parents charged for rent. He's now living in the city, so way less gas and he pays like 300/month less for rent. Plus if he's not seeing me, we're not going out all the time, less money spent there. It actually kind of does make sense.

 

And I'm not making excuses for him, but my weight has never, ever been an issue with him. He actually likes when I'm 20 pounds heavier because it makes me curvier, he likes my boobs to be bigger ha . It's more that I think he wants to see me get my ambition and confidence back. He knows when I lose weight, I feel great and so much healthier. But like I said, he's never said this or ever made me feel bad about my weight. It's just me saying maybe that's part of it, he wants to see me commit myself to it again.

 

When we got back together last time, I had lost the weight, I was alot more secure in myself, and I was happy in my job. All that's kind of gone to crap in the last few months and I haven't been doing much about it, which could be frustrating. I think maybe he's just trying to snap me back to reality. I've been kind of stuck for awhile now.

[movingon12]

I can understand saving money on petrol and whatever - but why didn't he suggest you both move into the city together? If you don't want to spend so much money on going out, then go out less, you don't need to break up over it.

 

Personally I think there are alarm bells going off all over the place with this one. In a healthy relationship, one person should not need to 'miss' the other one in order to want to be with them. I don't mean you and him should be glued to each other 24/7 but moving out and going NC is not a normal,healthy part of a relationship. It's the first step on the way to breaking up.

 

You said he would have told you if he wanted to break up - but you also said that last time he broke up with you, you hounded him for a month, begging and pleading. Maybe he's just trying to slip away without you realising to avoid the drama this time.

 

He told you the relationship was going to a bad place or something and I think you're just making excuses for him. By all means focus on your career and health. But do it for you, not because you think it will make him come back. I don't think he will come back, and if he does, I don't think he will stay. Good luck.

[NoClue2]

Hi Gottabestrong...

 

Wow, I'm really sorry to hear that about your ex. That must have been devestating to hear that he married someone else in such little time. I would lose it.

 

That is really, really good advice. I'm going to start excersicing and maybe taking some classes. I put too much of my self-worth in him. I'm reconnecting with my old friends and that's been helpful. I am definitely going to do the time limit thing and not respond when he talks about our relationship. If he misses me, he'll back. I know that. All I can do is be independent right now and make him hopefully wonder where my head is at.

 

As for us moving into the friendzone, that would never happen. He knows how I feel about him and if he ever told me as a friend, in casual conversation, that he had feelings for someone else, he also knows I would be struggling not kill him. I would never do that to him, not even 10yrs down the road and he wouldn't either. We feel too strongly about eachother. I just really do believe him when he says he wants us to have some independence so we can do better for ourselves, like we did last time.

 

It's super hard at this point, but all I can do is wait and take your advice of giving him an ultimatum (only known to me of course). I just hope he misses me.

[NoClue2]

Wow, movingon12. That was really, really eye-opening. Maybe you're right. But if that was the case, why would he continue to tell me how much he loves me, go out of his way to contact me today when I haden't spoken to him in 2 days? He even still seems possessive over me... I told him I was going to the movies w/ a friend and he was concerned if I was staying over at her house since he knows her brother tries to flirt with me when I'm there. If he wanted out, wouldn't he just not care? Why would he tell me he was only going to talk to me, wasn't up to anything and did not want anyone else, loved me so much and always will? Why if he's just wanting to slip away gradually? Wouldn't he just be cordial or be grateful when I didn't talk to him?

 

I really feel like crying now for the first time.

Edited December 18, 2012 by NoClue2

[movingon12]

sorry

 

but as for the 'why's he contacting me' 'why's he getting possessive' questions, that's what happens. Have a read through the threads - you'll see so many 'why is my ex contacting me?' posts. Usually its for one of the following:

 

1) they want to 'tug on the leash to see if you're still attached' in case they decide they want you back for a bit if their own relationship fails/they get drunk and need somewhere to crash/they need a lift home...

2) they like knowing they still have some influence/control over you

3) they like knowing that you'll always be there to tell them how great they are

4) they don't want you to move on and find someone else, or at least, they don't want you to do this until they've done it first.

5) if you start dating someone else, that means you're rejecting them and that hurts.

6) they want to be friends so they don't feel guilty about making you sad

7) guys in particular have a bit of an issue about ex girlfriends sleeping with other guys. I'm not sure if it's a 'is he better in bed than me?' thing, or what, but it does seem to be an issue.

 

In your case, I don't know the guy, but my guess it's a mix of 1,4,5 and 6.

 

Edit: I'm sure he does love you. Just not enough. :/

Edited December 18, 2012 by movingon12

[NoClue2]

no, no. don't be sorry. you actually opened my eyes. i just talked to mom about it and she feels that he's probably hedging his bets too and waiting to see what else is out there. that's so hard for me to believe and really devestates me because i would never do that to someone i loved. i would never string them along and tell them i loved them while playing the field. that's not love. just let me go then. i'm gonna really distance myself from him. this hurts way too much and i can't get by on the crumbs of love he's given me lately and feel this insecure. i just can't believe i could be so stupid as to let him in again and believe he'd never hurt me. that we would get married and have kids like we talked about. i'm so hurt.

[movingon12]

Best thing you can do is just learn what you can from the time you had with him and use the time you have now to improve your life for you.

 

I really would recommend going NC. I know he's contacting you, and it's hard when they do that, but he's not saying anything you actually want to hear, like 'come and move in with me', and the breadcrumbs he's leaving are just confusing and upsetting you. Tell him not to contact you again unless he wants you to move back in together (he'll be all 'oh, but we don't need to stop speaking, I just don't want to physically see you or spend any time with you, it will be good for you...' Don't listen to it, it's BS.) He wants the 'relationship' on his own terms - and that's not how it works.

 

Block him from your phone. Block him from facebook. If in the future he decides that he does want to get back together, he will find you. He knows where you live. He probably knows your friends. He'll use different accounts and different phones until he gets hold of you. He won't stop till he's tracked you down and pleaded for your forgiveness for being such a selfish confused twat. But until he's doing that, until he's doing anything (not just saying words, but doing something) that shows he's changed his mind and wants you back, it will be much easier for you in the long run to block him out of your life completely.