My boyfriend wants me to have a relationship with God...

[df1304]

My boyfriend and I have been very good friends for about six years now. A while ago, I went through a very bad breakup with my first boyfriend who used me for sex, got me into drugs and alcohol, and a lot of other stuff. Not only was I upset over losing that boyfriend, I got cut off from alcohol which I was addicted to at the time, so it was really hard for me, but this guy came through for me big time and helped me get sober. We became closer than ever and a few weeks ago we decided to begin a relationship. He is basically the most pure, giving, amazing person I know, and I'm so moved that even though he knows everything I did with my ex, he still wants something, anything to do with me. Sometimes I try to imagine what I might have done if he hadn't been there for me, and I think he saved my life. So he means a LOT to me.

 

Anyway, I'm not exactly an atheist, but I've never been a spiritual sort of person, it's just never been important to me to have faith or believe in any god. Recently I've even felt that if there is a god, I hate him and would rather burn in hell than give him my soul or accept any help from him. I feel really adamant about this. Meanwhile, my boyfriend is a Christian, and for a while now he's been asking me to come to church with him and try to have a relationship with God. He says I deserve to have his love in my life, and that he cares about me a lot, and that it hurts him to think that I don't care about god or want anything to do with him. He knows that I don't believe, but he doesn't know quite how strongly I feel about it.

 

Basically my question is, what can I tell him to make him understand that I don't want to be a christian? Am I going to have to make a compromise? I care about him a lot and I'm really grateful for everything he's done for me, but I feel like if I started going to church and everything, I'd be doing it just to make him happy, which would be like lying to him. I feel like I'm having to choose between having this amazing person in my life, and sticking with what I stand for as a person. I just don't want to hurt him. What should I do?

 

Thanks for your time.

[yongyong]

I think you should dump your jesus freak BF for his own sake.

 

I feel bad for this beta, good christian boy.

[SmileFace]

Explain to him what you told us. Then you need to both need to decide if it is a deal breaker. He doesn't have to understand your reasoning - he only need to understand if he is ok with it or not.

[CptObvious]

Slap some science into that kid. How old is he? He should have grown out of those fairytales by now.

[SmileFace]

Slap some science into that kid. How old is he? He should have grown out of those fairytales by now.

That isn't her business. Plus as far as her post goes - she seems to believe in God as well. It isn't neither of their business to change each others views.

[df1304]

We are both 16 years old, plus I live in the bible belt, so it's not like this is super-outlandish for him to be a devout Christian. His religion has never been a problem in our friendship because I always looked past it and focused on other stuff, but now that we're together it's become an issue.

 

I don't personally believe in God, but I've always said that if it turned out that there really was one, I wouldn't change myself. When I said that if there was one, I would hate him, I meant that hypothetically. I'm not really worried.

 

Anyway, I don't want to bash anyone else for what they believe in or try to sway them, so that's definitely out. C'mon guys, that's just immmature.

Edited December 18, 2012 by df1304

[MercuryMorrison1]

Dump him. Save yourself alot of trouble.

[D-Lish]

In my own experience, religious people seem to be open to "helping"- but it comes with a price, and that price is conversion. It's almost like your boyfriend is now asking for payback for helping you through a hard time by suggesting you start going to church with him.

 

I don't think he's a bad guy, but I don't believe helping others should have an agenda hidden behind it either. Are you a "project", or a girlfriend? I'm sure he believes he is helping you by converting you, but it isn't helping you to guilt you into altering your belief system in order to make him happy.

 

I'd be upfront with him and just lay your issues on the table. If he's truly a good person, he won't judge you and will stop pressuring you. If he continues to pressure you, you probably won't have luck with him for the long haul.

[dasein]

If he is a good partner prospect, he will be tolerant of and respect your POV on this. As an atheist surrounded by Christians also, I find most of them to be very understanding and tolerant, and I go out of my way not to insult or demean their faith. There are lots of benefits to living a religious life without the actual metaphysical beliefs, and it sounds like your new turn in life is headed in that direction. He should respect and accept that's all you can give right now without being too heavy handed in the preaching and saving department. Good luck in your relationship.

[movingon12]

Tell him that as soon as he can provide some scientific evidence for the existence of a god you will gladly accompany him to his church. But until that time comes, he needs to respect your beliefs and you'll respect his.

 

My husband's religious but he doesn't pressure me to follow his beliefs (he's apparently under the slightly strange impression that as long as he prays on my behalf, that's me covered for judgement day - but well, whatever makes him happy...)

 

In your case: be clear with your bf that you understand that his religion is important to him, and you're not going to ask him to change, but he needs to understand that this is not something you are interested in following. If he can't accept that, then he can't accept you.

[PogoStick]

Read Divinity of Doubt. Tell him you'll go to church if he'll read the book, and discuss it with you.

 

Don't give up on your core nature. Feel free to stay friends but he is using this difficult time in your life to sneak HIS beliefs into your life. Why would his views be any more valuable than your own?

[naviis]

If he is a good partner prospect, he will be tolerant of and respect your POV on this. As an atheist surrounded by Christians also, I find most of them to be very understanding and tolerant, and I go out of my way not to insult or demean their faith. There are lots of benefits to living a religious life without the actual metaphysical beliefs, and it sounds like your new turn in life is headed in that direction. He should respect and accept that's all you can give right now without being too heavy handed in the preaching and saving department. Good luck in your relationship.

 

 

Agreed.

 

Have an honest discussion with him (maybe omit the "I would rather burn in hell than give my soul to God" part), and be as understanding and non-judgemental with him as you want him to be with you.

 

Just tell him you are not a religious person. That being said (if you are not uncomfortable with it of course) maybe you can attend some Church-related events with him, as a couple. I'm not talking about Sunday mass but for instance charity events or even the Midnight Mass, many non-religious/non-practising people go to those.

[Pompom]

Nicely but firmly have him know that you respect his beliefs and would not want to change him, but that you need him to do the same for you if he does indeed love and respect you.

I admire your patience. I had a friend who used "God" as a blanket reply to all worries. Couldn't even expect some friendly comfort when confiding in him about another dear friend's disease. "God will sort it out/He needs God". Wanted to punch his scrote right up his brain stem. Simpleton, useless prick. No mind of his own.

[thatone]

If he is a good partner prospect, he will be tolerant of and respect your POV on this. As an atheist surrounded by Christians also, I find most of them to be very understanding and tolerant, and I go out of my way not to insult or demean their faith. There are lots of benefits to living a religious life without the actual metaphysical beliefs, and it sounds like your new turn in life is headed in that direction. He should respect and accept that's all you can give right now without being too heavy handed in the preaching and saving department. Good luck in your relationship.

 

Yep, same here. I don't exclude believers right off, but I'm not changing my opinions either. I will make fun of political bible thumpers especially, probably in her presence. She can make fun of me too for all I care but as long as no one gets offended it's fine. I don't get offended, so I kinda leave the ball in the other person's court, so to speak.

[FitChick]

Tell him that he is judging you and you only allow yourself to be judged by God.

 

Tell him you would be willing to compromise. You can go to church with him to keep the peace but only during special holidays or if there is a church supper, jumble sale or carnival afterward. It might be entertaining if they sing and it might even be uplifting if the pastor gives a good sermon.

 

If you are planning to marry and raise children, that is usually the only dealbreaker when it comes to religion.

[GuyInLimbo]

We are both 16 years old, plus I live in the bible belt, so it's not like this is super-outlandish for him to be a devout Christian. His religion has never been a problem in our friendship because I always looked past it and focused on other stuff, but now that we're together it's become an issue.

 

I don't personally believe in God, but I've always said that if it turned out that there really was one, I wouldn't change myself. When I said that if there was one, I would hate him, I meant that hypothetically. I'm not really worried.

 

Anyway, I don't want to bash anyone else for what they believe in or try to sway them, so that's definitely out. C'mon guys, that's just immmature.

 

16?? Move along, girl. You are at a VERY vulnerable age and have already gone through a lot. Believe it or not, you are PRIME MEAT for religious groups. They prey on people like you. Never allow someone to push you towards a religion. If you're not comfortable with it, then the two of you simply are not compatible. And, frankly, why do you want to be with someone who won't accept you for who you are? That's setting up a bad precedent for your life.

 

He may have helped you. Be grateful and stay friends.

[Million.to.1]

If you are an atheist or an agnostic, this relationship will never work.

 

My last boyfriend was Christian, and the utter hypocrisy his beliefs and life were drove me crazy. His parents ran a church.

 

You can't pretend to have a relationship with someone (God) if you don't believe in him or think he is a cruel dictator anyway.

 

I am an atheist, and my moral compass is in much better stead than my "Christian" ex-boyfriends will ever be. Religion is a joke. If there is a higher power out there, going to church and believing in fairytales won't make any difference to your soul.

 

My favourite quote ever... "Eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love" - Bill Hicks.

 

Dump him.

[df1304]

Thanks for all the replies, I'm going to tell him calmly and firmly that I'm not interested in becoming a Christian. If he still pushes for it I think I will have to end the relationship... as much as I want this, I would prefer someone who shares my beliefs as I'm sure he does.

 

On a side note I'm surprised and a little worried to see that some of you seem to have this "they're all out to get you" attitude towards Christians and other religious groups. In fairness, in my life I've known Christians who were vindictive, closed-minded, and hateful, but I've also known Christians who were kind, understanding, and compassionate, and they truly seemed to embody the whole "golden rule" thing. I don't personally agree with their beliefs in any case, but I also don't agree with making generalizations that all Christians are just ignorant bible-thumpers.

[bentnotbroken]

My boyfriend and I have been very good friends for about six years now. A while ago, I went through a very bad breakup with my first boyfriend who used me for sex, got me into drugs and alcohol, and a lot of other stuff. Not only was I upset over losing that boyfriend, I got cut off from alcohol which I was addicted to at the time, so it was really hard for me, but this guy came through for me big time and helped me get sober. We became closer than ever and a few weeks ago we decided to begin a relationship. He is basically the most pure, giving, amazing person I know, and I'm so moved that even though he knows everything I did with my ex, he still wants something, anything to do with me. Sometimes I try to imagine what I might have done if he hadn't been there for me, and I think he saved my life. So he means a LOT to me.

 

Anyway, I'm not exactly an atheist, but I've never been a spiritual sort of person, it's just never been important to me to have faith or believe in any god. Recently I've even felt that if there is a god, I hate him and would rather burn in hell than give him my soul or accept any help from him. I feel really adamant about this. Meanwhile, my boyfriend is a Christian, and for a while now he's been asking me to come to church with him and try to have a relationship with God. He says I deserve to have his love in my life, and that he cares about me a lot, and that it hurts him to think that I don't care about god or want anything to do with him. He knows that I don't believe, but he doesn't know quite how strongly I feel about it.

 

Basically my question is, what can I tell him to make him understand that I don't want to be a christian? Am I going to have to make a compromise? I care about him a lot and I'm really grateful for everything he's done for me, but I feel like if I started going to church and everything, I'd be doing it just to make him happy, which would be like lying to him. I feel like I'm having to choose between having this amazing person in my life, and sticking with what I stand for as a person. I just don't want to hurt him. What should I do?

 

Thanks for your time.

 

 

That is a personal decision. And yes I am a Christian.

[carhill]

At 16, getting this serious over relationships and religion takes away from education, personal interests and, most importantly, fun!

 

Where are your parents?

[TheFinalWord]

Thanks for all the replies, I'm going to tell him calmly and firmly that I'm not interested in becoming a Christian. If he still pushes for it I think I will have to end the relationship... as much as I want this, I would prefer someone who shares my beliefs as I'm sure he does.

 

On a side note I'm surprised and a little worried to see that some of you seem to have this "they're all out to get you" attitude towards Christians and other religious groups. In fairness, in my life I've known Christians who were vindictive, closed-minded, and hateful, but I've also known Christians who were kind, understanding, and compassionate, and they truly seemed to embody the whole "golden rule" thing. I don't personally agree with their beliefs in any case, but I also don't agree with making generalizations that all Christians are just ignorant bible-thumpers.

 

You will find this is a largely an anti-theist web site (as opposed to atheist) so those types of hateful comments are pretty regular. As a Christian, I found it a bit shocking myself when I first joined here. But you get used to it If anything, the anti-theism has made me more aware of how a judgmental Christian must sound so I try my best never to come across that way. I respect your right not to believe, and I think it's cool that you don't let yourself get sucked into the whole anti-theism mentality. Hate is never a solution.

 

I have been in your boyfriends shoes before. I dated two girls when I first got saved that were non-Christians. In both cases, there was always something missing (for both of us) in those relationships and we parted ways. I have been a non-Christian before and completely understand where you are coming from. I think what you are planning to say is perfect. At no time does peer pressure work to truly change someone's mind about something so personal as a spirituality. Like death, it is something each person faces alone.

Edited December 19, 2012 by TheFinalWord

[df1304]

At 16, getting this serious over relationships and religion takes away from education, personal interests and, most importantly, fun!

 

Where are your parents?

 

I hope I'm not giving the impression here that I'm madly in love with him. After my previous relationship, where I was mostly ignored and used for the other person's gratification, I think it wouldn't hurt to date someone who is good to me for a little while. I make plenty of time for school and personal interests, and some would say I have a little too much fun haha. I do care very deeply for this person, we've known each other and enjoyed each other's company for a very long time and I don't want to hurt his feelings. That's all.

 

Anyway, we're going to see The Hobbit tomorrow (excitement, has anyone here seen it? I heard it's pretty good) and while we're hanging out I'm going to tell him how I feel about all the stuff he's been telling me about how he wants me to "know god". If he keeps pushing for it, I'm just going to tell him that we should be friends, because if this is going to keep coming up I'd rather not drag the relationship out.

 

At no time does peer pressure work to truly change someone's mind about something so personal as a spirituality. Like death, it is something each person faces alone.

 

I completely agree.

[Arasae]

My two cents: you could possibly see what they have to say. You never know.

 

I used to be extremely cynical and angry. Religion and spirituality were total nonsense and anyone who believed anything like that was a tool. Lots if people tried to convert me, but it just made me question everything more and become extremely angry at God's ”love” as described by the Bible.

 

But after dating and becoming engaged to a Catholic, I've come to realize that just because the Bible is flawed doesn't mean God is or that I have to buy into everything (natural family planning? Pfffffft). Seeking God doesn't mean science doesn't apply or that we all descended from Adam and Eve. People are flawed; thus, religion is flawed.

 

I don't go to Church frequently. I don't ”do” Bible study. I hesitate writing this because it is so engraved into me that Christianity is nothing but nonsense.

 

But since I've gotten engaged, I've had some conversations. I trust in God and higher plane. And that acceptance, the ability to let go of the problems that plague me and allowing the thought that a being older and wiser is handling it has made my life better.

 

Placebo? Maybe. But I don't think so. I have been happier. I am way more at peace. I am able to let go of numerous past hurts like the ones you describe.

 

I'm not telling you to change for your boyfriend. I'm just saying it might not hurt to check it out with an open mind and open heart... It might help you make peace with the constant turmoil of emotions running around inside you.

 

Whatever the reason, I feel much more at peace, and I wouldn't change that.

[FitChick]

Tell him you agree that you need to have a relationship with God so you are converting to Islam.

[SmileFace]

How does all this happen at 16?

I must have lived under a sheltered rock.

 

Anywho all the best. I wouldn't care to make these decisions at such a young age... good luck to you.