Marital therapy? Does it WORK?

[Tenacity]

were you the OW or the BS? Just curious as you said you couldn't comprehend it at the time.. couldn't comprehend hurting the OW or couldn't comprehend the BS actually hurting you?

 

I still can't comprehend killing someone, obviously, but at the time I couldn't understand why she would feel so upset at her to kill her and just be fine with her H as if nothing happened. I still don't understand that part, nor do I think that is the normal case by far, but I do understand the level of pain on that end as I didn't before. That was what I was trying to say.

 

I have been both BS and OW, technically, but the real devastating relationship for me is as the OW, which lasted many years.

 

My now ex-H (we were married 16 years) had an A towards the end of our marriage, I knew it at the time but didn't bother to look for the proof of it or worry about it as I was so unhappy anyway there wasn't much that could have made it worse.

 

As for your own situation, there isn't much you can do except if you have had a direct threat of violence - then obviously seek help. Otherwise, the fact that they are going into counseling is good. If you leave them completely alone at this point and you haven't had threats, then she/they should be able to work through it.

[Spark1111]

I can't imagine therapy changes someone who has been lying for so long into a saint overnight. Or does it? Does the therapist see through it?

 

He had me believing things, she's been side by side with him for years. She blames me. He is feeding it. I'm scared.

 

this is my thought too. If she blames you 100 %, the he has spun some tall tales to save his sorry ass. Unfortunateely, right now, he may have her believing them. Slime.

 

I never did because I had all the proof, every last shred of it. No matter how he tried to minimize his OW in therapy, I had the facts and I wasn't buying it.

[2sure]

I can't imagine therapy changes someone who has been lying for so long into a saint overnight. Or does it? Does the therapist see through it?

 

He had me believing things, she's been side by side with him for years. She blames me. He is feeding it. I'm scared.

 

If the old me were you...And I was fearful, I would be proactive and not waiting for the other shoe to hit me. You need to come up with a story, as simple as possible. One that you can share with both of them . One that will make them feel motivated to keep this to themselves.

[promises]

If the old me were you...And I was fearful, I would be proactive and not waiting for the other shoe to hit me. You need to come up with a story, as simple as possible. One that you can share with both of them . One that will make them feel motivated to keep this to themselves.

 

There are details that most certainly would end their marriage. He knows that. This is why I believe he will never tell the complete truth. Even in therapy. Unless he get's so upset with her and they fight and it comes out. And, I know that they fight..

 

But, I believe he'll twist it to try to keep her around, and he'll always know that 'I' know the truth.

 

* This affair was the stupidest thing I've ever done, and I somehow thought that I was completely in love with him.

 

So, for those to say I need to move on and walk away. I have, I am.. but, it's not over yet.. it's a scary time to be me.

[Spark1111]

I can't imagine therapy changes someone who has been lying for so long into a saint overnight. Or does it? Does the therapist see through it?

 

He had me believing things, she's been side by side with him for years. She blames me. He is feeding it. I'm scared.

 

I will say this: Everytime we walked into MC, I, the BS was almost ignored, to the point of derision.

 

All the focus, initially, was on the WS. The wanted to establish rapport, gain trust, and essentially treated him with kid gloves. They walked on eggshells around him, to where I would be challenged, or somewhat dismissed, a little ignored, or quieted with the focus brought gently back to him.

 

It infuriated me!

 

With hindsight, I think they quickly gauged I WAS the stronger one and could handle it. He was the broken one, and unless they could establish trust with him, and engage him to continue, then NO, there would NOT be a marriage to save.

 

he would run away from introspection, or I would get fed up and divorce him.

 

a smart, experienced counselor will assess the same and take appropriate steps to build trust, diffuse anger and encourage honest communication by the WS to the BS. That's the key. Hating or blaming you is simply a diversion from the work they need to do together. t will not be encouraged by any competent counselor.

 

Sorry promise, but you are simply a symptom, not the cause. therapists strive to get to the cause, more his cause, as to why he did something so destructive to her and to you.

 

And if he stays in therapy, especially IC, they will get back to childhood.They always do.

[promises]

I will say this: Everytime we walked into MC, I, the BS was almost ignored, to the point of derision.

 

All the focus, initially, was on the WS. The wanted to establish rapport, gain trust, and essentially treated him with kid gloves. They walked on eggshells around him, to where I would be challenged, or somewhat dismissed, a little ignored, or quieted with the focus brought gently back to him.

 

It infuriated me!

 

With hindsight, I think they quickly gauged I WAS the stronger one and could handle it. He was the broken one, and unless they could establish trust with him, and engage him to continue, then NO, there would NOT be a marriage to save.

 

he would run away from introspection, or I would get fed up and divorce him.

 

a smart, experienced counselor will assess the same and take appropriate steps to build trust, diffuse anger and encourage honest communication by the WS to the BS. That's the key. Hating or blaming you is simply a diversion from the work they need to do together. t will not be encouraged by any competent counselor.

 

Sorry promise, but you are simply a symptom, not the cause. therapists strive to get to the cause, more his cause, as to why he did something so destructive to her and to you.

 

And if he stays in therapy, especially IC, they will get back to childhood.They always do.

 

thank you, spark.. for sharing those details. You've just calmed me down a great deal. I have felt like the 'cause' for some time, mainly because I am 'not' a fighter. And that is not a light weight to be carrying. *guilt. I know that I am not the cause.. very much. I just hate the roll I've played in this. It's a confusing place to be. Just looking for thoughts... anyway.

[SidLyon]

There are details that most certainly would end their marriage. ....

 

I wonder if you'd be happy to state the sorts of details you mean?

 

Many things happened in my H's affair and strangely enough had I thought about it beforehand I would have said for certain these would end our marriage (eg very long term affair, expressions of love for the OW, being on a dating website and more...).

 

Now with the benefit of hindsight I think there are only a few things about his infidelity that would have ended our marriage (examples are pedophilia, homosexuality, rape of someone else).

 

At least I think they would have ended it.....

[promises]

I wonder if you'd be happy to state the sorts of details you mean?

 

Many things happened in my H's affair and strangely enough had I thought about it beforehand I would have said for certain these would end our marriage (eg very long term affair, expressions of love for the OW, being on a dating website and more...).

 

Now with the benefit of hindsight I think there are only a few things about his infidelity that would have ended our marriage (examples are pedophilia, homosexuality, rape of someone else).

 

At least I think they would have ended it.....

 

I would rather not. And, no, nothing you mentioned .

[promises]

I've thought of that , ladygrey . At least I am not the one under his spell the remainder of my life or 'for the children'... At least there is that.

 

And, she is completely dependant upon him. The dynamics of their marriage are deep. This doesn't make them, her, their union better off.. Not in the least.

[jwi71]

Promises,

 

I've read the thread.

 

I've not read anything else you may have posted previously.

 

Why are you so concerned about what his W knows or does not know?

And how does its disclosure, should it come to pass, affect you?

[SidLyon]

I would rather not. And, no, nothing you mentioned .

 

Fair enough - no need to be specific.

 

However as it's not the things I mentioned (or similar), take care with assuming the sordid details (which you are aware of and presumably didn't deter you) would deter a BW from reconciling. In the end most of us can accept that our partners had a "rich and varied, and sometimes kinky" sex life and an emotional life with someone else.

 

Preferably before me met. But for those of us who've reconciled we have to come to terms with it happening while we were together.

 

Edited to add: In answer to your original question, yes marriage therapy can work but I think it requires both spouses being "all in" with it. This means complete honesty on the part of the WS including, if the BS requests, coming clean on all the details. You know better than we do how likely it is that your MM is willing to go into the details, and to my mind, that will play a big part in how successful their reconciliation is. In my situation my fWH was willing to disclose everything that I asked and that included personal details of the OW. I'm sure she would be horrified for example to realize that I now know the details of her preferences for certain types of sex and positions. It's not just sexual things I know about her either.

Edited December 19, 2012 by SidLyon

[ComingInHot]

promises;

Reconciliation can work! IF both spouses truly want it to*

At the end of the day, therapy & reconciliation should not & normally is not about gaining up on the OW. It's about putting the A and the OW in the past. You shouldn't become more of a topic to them but less til not at all. This would/should make you feel better too*

There is a lot on your plate right now, try not to make MM & BW any portion of that. Don't let either of them have any bearing on where you are headed in your healing.

[Got it]

MC depends on the two parties and the therapist and really the type/approach of the therapist.

 

But MC is no better or worse than the honesty and willingness of the two parties in it.

 

My ex husband and I did MC after I told him I wanted to divorce. I tried to get him to go for years but he wouldn't until that point. Honestly I agreed to go to help him segway over into the divorce and to make sure he was going to be okay. I was done with the marriage and 11th therapy was not going to rectify things. That is why I have realized that couples need therapy in the beginning, in help laying healthy foundation and communication than at the end when it is usually too late.

 

So we went but I was not in it to save the marriage. I was in it to transition to divorce. We went to 5-6 sessions and then just keep our own IC throughout the divorce.

 

In your case, unfortunately that is going to be a gamble for you. I do believe that at times the best defense is a good offense. Possibly seeking legal counsel would be helpful so you know you rights and what to do if x, y, or z situation happens. You do not have to put up with being harassed, regardless of the reasoning.

[Got it]

Promise, focus on yourself, seek legal advice if necessary and/or appropriate, and work on your healing.

 

One of the biggest generators of anxiety is thinking through "what if" scenarios. Seeking advice, getting information, etc. are all ways to dispel the unknown and help with the fear.

 

What is the worst case scenario? Think through that, plan for it, and you will find some relief.

[ThatJustHappened]

There are details that most certainly would end their marriage. He knows that. This is why I believe he will never tell the complete truth. Even in therapy. Unless he get's so upset with her and they fight and it comes out. And, I know that they fight..

 

But, I believe he'll twist it to try to keep her around, and he'll always know that 'I' know the truth.

 

* This affair was the stupidest thing I've ever done, and I somehow thought that I was completely in love with him.

 

So, for those to say I need to move on and walk away. I have, I am.. but, it's not over yet.. it's a scary time to be me.

 

But why? It's hard to advise someone who isn't giving any information. Are you scared for your job? For your family? For your life? What is so terrifying about this woman?