Marital therapy? Does it WORK?

[promises]

What happens? Who can dish? Is this where the details of the affair are encouraged to surface? Does it actually work? How long does it go on? Etc., etc.

 

My fear is surrounding the knowledge the W receives, and if I should be bracing myself for more serious repercussions. There is a huge part of me that hopes it brings peace not problems. But, I'm beginning to think it's going to get worse before it gets better.

Edited December 18, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited title

[LadyGrey]

What happens? Who can dish? Is this where the details of the affair are encouraged to surface? Does it actually work? How long does it go on? Etc., etc.

 

My fear is surrounding the knowledge the W receives, and if I should be bracing myself for more serious repercussions. There is a huge part of me that hopes it brings peace not problems. But, I'm beginning to think it's going to get worse before it gets better.

 

*I hate typos. Marital

 

There are some happy reconciled BS's here on LS, spark, seren, frozensprouts, come to mind. Maybe they will chime in and let you know how much therapy had to do with it.

 

After having been in the position of finding out that my life was a lie for 2 years, (I was the ow and didn't know it), I am a big advocate in that any woman ought to have the truth of her life and that includes his wife.

 

Fallout............with affairs, you never know. She might come after you, your job, your family, and out the affair to those that you care about. She could do worse, go absolutely bat ****e crazy on you and hurt you or kill you. She might do nothing but silently hate you. Hopefully some day she'll get over it.

[promises]

she already went after my job and this was less than 12 hours after he told her about me, and prior to any details. SO, yes, I am a bit concerned as their therapy progresses..

[Pierre]

She might come after you, your job, your family, and out the affair to those that you care about. She could do worse, go absolutely bat ****e crazy on you and hurt you or kill you. She might do nothing but silently hate you. Hopefully some day she'll get over it.

 

I always thought that when a woman messed around with the husband of someone else there was always the possibility of retribution. Or is this part of the OW innocence? Not expecting a scorned BS to be upset at them.

 

Are potential OWs rather innocent and naive?

 

BTW, marriage builders encourages major outing of the ow and OM.

[promises]

I always thought that when a woman messed around with the husband of someone else there was always the possibility of retribution. Or is this part of the OW innocence? Not expecting a scorned BS to be upset at them.

 

Are potential OWs rather innocent and naive?

 

BTW, marriage builders encourages major outing of the ow and OM.

 

In my case innocent and naive and just really, really idiotic.

[promises]

 

BTW, marriage builders encourages major outing of the ow and OM.

 

What do you mean, outing? Outing of the circumstances or the actual persons qualities?

[LadyGrey]

I always thought that when a woman messed around with the husband of someone else there was always the possibility of retribution. Or is this part of the OW innocence? Not expecting a scorned BS to be upset at them.

 

Are potential OWs rather innocent and naive?

 

BTW, marriage builders encourages major outing of the ow and OM.

 

I'm confused since you quoted my post Pierre. The things I said could happen shouldn't be a big surprise, did you think I meant they would be?

[seren]

What happens? Who can dish? Is this where the details of the affair are encouraged to surface? Does it actually work? How long does it go on? Etc., etc.

 

My fear is surrounding the knowledge the W receives, and if I should be bracing myself for more serious repercussions. There is a huge part of me that hopes it brings peace not problems. But, I'm beginning to think it's going to get worse before it gets better.

 

*I hate typos. Marital

 

Promises, H and I didn't go to therapy, other than that for his PTSD issues and while that touched on the A, it wasn't its purpose. So I cannot say what therapy will uncover. Hopefully it will be managed by the therapist properly and concentrate their energies on the marriage and not the A.

 

H told me, so that might have some bearing on how we managed D Day and reconciliation. He was honest and I got all I asked for, the OW rang our house looking for closure, but H wouldn't speak to her, I spoke with her a few times as she had problems with her violent husband and helped her find a refuge. I will admit to feeling pretty peed off that she had enabled the A, but was under no doubt that the 'blame' rested on H. After numerous calls to my house and some pretty nasty things she did, I will admit to telling her if she continued I would retaliate and take her world apart and I meant it. However this was more to do with her actions toward me and not the A.

 

I think it depends on how the WS and BS handle their recovery, a lot is shared during reconciliation and often the WS will try to blame shift onto the AP, unfair I know, but no different to what they did during the A toward the BS in some cases. Marital therapy can work, but it takes a lot of hard work and commitment from both, truth is an absolute need, some of it can trigger and some can cause anger, but the therapist should be able to enable discussion of this.

 

I would say it depends on the nature of the BS, some may place blame on the AP initially as they need to blame someone other than the person they love, unfair maybe, but it is what it is. The things the WS says also plays a part in how it all pans out, most BS aren't stupid and are especially vigilant to bullcrap after D Day. Saying that some will lash out and seek revenge, it depends on how they view the role of the AP in an A. In my situ the OW and I were civil and able to talk when she rang, the last time she rang I asked her not to as I wasn't going to be her support, but she was honest and that went a long way to my trying to understand the why.

 

I think you might expect some backlash, given what has already happened, I think if you respond, send emails etc or engage in a tit for tat type thing it will escalate and get out of control. Hopefully therapy can give her answers and she won't feel the need to lash out at you. Sorry this is not more helpful.

[Decorative]

What do you mean, outing? Outing of the circumstances or the actual persons qualities?

 

It encourages informing friends and relatives and sometimes employers if it was a workplace affair of the relationship.

 

It's not supposed to be a list of the affair partners' personalities- but it is knowledge that they are participating in an extramarital affair.

[promises]

It encourages informing friends and relatives and sometimes employers if it was a workplace affair of the relationship.

 

It's not supposed to be a list of the affair partners' personalities- but it is knowledge that they are participating in an extramarital affair.

 

Friends, family already know . It's important to note MM and I did not work together . Her involvement in my job loss was intentionaly to get my attention.

[promises]

Like shaming them back in line?

 

This has been done as well. All families, mutual friends, closest friends, all knew within 24 hours.

[seren]

This has been done as well. All families, mutual friends, closest friends, all knew within 24 hours.

 

I think that sometimes a BS will tell those groups because if they don't then someone else might, also it is where they might get support. I didn't function properly for around 3 weeks after D Day and had to tell my work, friends and family as I was such a mess, I didn't do it to shame anyone, just to get some support without shouting it from the rooftops to all and sundry, TBH I felt ashamed and didn't want H to get any backlash.

 

If what has been told is to exact revenge on you, then it might be that the BS is shifting blame from her H onto you, which is of course not right, but if she has been blindsided and it has come out of the blue, it might be a knee jerk reaction. Don't forget she will have been told all sorts of things about you by the WS, a lot of which will be unfair to you and not reflect your experience of the A, he is possibly trying to save his butt and his marriage. Of course it isn't right to be the target of someone else, or to shoulder 'blame' that should be laid on his shoulders for any reason. I hope it gets easier for you. You might want to tell people in your close circle your version of events for support, these things can have a Chinese Whispers effect.

[promises]

I think that sometimes a BS will tell those groups because if they don't then someone else might, also it is where they might get support. I didn't function properly for around 3 weeks after D Day and had to tell my work, friends and family as I was such a mess, I didn't do it to shame anyone, just to get some support without shouting it from the rooftops to all and sundry, TBH I felt ashamed and didn't want H to get any backlash.

 

If what has been told is to exact revenge on you, then it might be that the BS is shifting blame from her H onto you, which is of course not right, but if she has been blindsided and it has come out of the blue, it might be a knee jerk reaction. Don't forget she will have been told all sorts of things about you by the WS, a lot of which will be unfair to you and not reflect your experience of the A, he is possibly trying to save his butt and his marriage. Of course it isn't right to be the target of someone else, or to shoulder 'blame' that should be laid on his shoulders for any reason. I hope it gets easier for you. You might want to tell people in your close circle your version of events for support, these things can have a Chinese Whispers effect.

 

Oh, I have, trust me. Fortunately, my close circle and family are angels, forgiving, and love me.

 

However, however....

 

How long does therapy usually last. What are the stages. I'm just trying to brace myself.

[Decorative]

Oh, I have, trust me. Fortunately, my close circle and family are angels, forgiving, and love me.

 

However, however....

 

How long does therapy usually last. What are the stages. I'm just trying to brace myself.

 

I am not sure what you are looking for?

 

Some people stay in therapy for years.

 

Some people go for a short period of time.

 

Some people go once and decide it's not for them.

 

If they have a competent therapist- and there are some not so good therapists out there- the focus will shift on the WS for his choice of the affair, and the new dynamic that should be created in their marriage, should they choose to reconcile.

 

A good therapist will deal with the affair first, then the marriage. To get the elephant out of the room and stop the bleeding of the betrayed spouse's wound. You aren't very important in this dynamic of therapy. You could have been anybody- which I know is hard to hear.

 

In a good setup- you should not be very important at all, and if exposure has already occurred, then I am not sure what you are worried about. Most betrayed spouses are hurt beyond belief. They are angry, in general, at both partners in the affair- but very very few would cross into doing or saying something about you that wasn't true. I did expose- but it was short and to the point. And not unexpected - since her parents originally exposed them on the original DDay.

 

If you were truly tricked, and had no idea he was married, then that is what will protect you. If you were not tricked, and knew he was married, then I have to gently suggest that if she is very angry at you, it's not an unexpected outcome.

[wanting more]

I'm sure there's no set amount of time for MC. I know xMM and BS have been in therapy for about 4 months. Up until a couple weeks ago I know she was still texting my SO with more details she was finding out (my SO hasnt heard anything from her he hadn't already heard from me). She is still placing all the blame on me for the A. You may be in for a long ride or she may not contact you at all. I think it's up to her completely. Nothing you can really do except get on with your life but just expect she may appear.

[promises]

I am not sure what you are looking for?

 

Any persons experience on therapy of this sort - your response is helpful.

 

If they have a competent therapist- and there are some not so good therapists out there- the focus will shift on the WS for his choice of the affair, and the new dynamic that should be created in their marriage, should they choose to reconcile.

 

A good therapist will deal with the affair first, then the marriage. To get the elephant out of the room and stop the bleeding of the betrayed spouse's wound. You aren't very important in this dynamic of therapy. You could have been anybody- which I know is hard to hear.

 

No, it's welcomed knowledge. I would prefer it begin to focus on their marriage and not on the AP, myself. That is the best case scenario for everyone here.

 

If you were truly tricked, and had no idea he was married, then that is what will protect you. If you were not tricked, and knew he was married, then I have to gently suggest that if she is very angry at you, it's not an unexpected outcome.

 

I knew, believe to a degree that I was still tricked, manipulated perhaps, I was weak. But, regardless. She has a temper, always has. The details may ruin their marriage. Yes, bracing myself is what I am doing, asking for information on here. Hopeful that they mend. Expecting that this may not happen.

[seren]

I think it might be worth mentioning that while D Day might be the end of a long A for you, it is just the beginning of it for a BS. It takes time to process, it takes time to fit the pieces of the past however long it lasted in a BS's head and have, of course, moments, it becomes clear with hindsight.

It takes as long as it needs to and a lot depends on the WS and how they are after D Day, I think the process a lot of BS go through is similar to loss generally. Anger being the first stage. Feeling foolish for believing the WS factors in a lot and anger at themselves for not knowing there was an A taking place.

 

A good therapist will help both to manage the different stages, but a lot of the early days are about getting the truth. I agree that getting on with your life is all you can do.

[Spark1111]

Oh, I have, trust me. Fortunately, my close circle and family are angels, forgiving, and love me.

 

However, however....

 

How long does therapy usually last. What are the stages. I'm just trying to brace myself.

 

Months if done properly. MC is very different from IC in that the marriage is the client and both parties take a turn in the hot seat so to speak, as there are NO perfect marriages and always room for improvement.

 

If the therapist is capable, the affair will be examined first and for quite awhile, because until it is discussed and resolved properly, there may not be a marriage to save.

 

I walked out twice during the first go 'round, when my very angry H at the time kept vacillating between blaming me, arguing defensively with the MC, and dissolving into a puddle of tears and remorse. He just wanted to sweep it under the rug and move on, as if I could, short of a lobotomy.

 

When he angrily blurted out, "I'm not sure how much more of this I can go through," I was incredulous, and thought, 'That's it. he doesn't have the courage to help heal me,' and left.

 

It was important to me to know all the details, and while I had all the cell phone records, bank statements, emails, you name it, I just wanted him to talk about it: How he felt, why he felt that way, why he turned away from me and towards her. Why did he lie about it? he didn't have to. I loved him enough to let him go, something he convinced himself and his OW, wasn't true during the affair.

 

And the examination and honest disclosure of the details was crippling him emotionally, as if even he couldn't believe his behavior while I just sat next to him, holding his hand, with tears streaming down my face.

 

I do not know how to tell you this, but there was very little discussion regarding the AP. In MC, it seems that was of little import.

 

But, the stages of healing after infidelity mirror PTSD: Shock, denial, anger, depression, bargaining, forgiveness and acceptance.

 

I did not call her until about 6 months later, when I stumbled upon another stupid trickle-truth of his, and just wanted someone, anyone to tell me the truth.

 

She never returned my phone call...and I left her alone.

[Spark1111]

I am not sure what you are looking for?

 

Any persons experience on therapy of this sort - your response is helpful.

 

If they have a competent therapist- and there are some not so good therapists out there- the focus will shift on the WS for his choice of the affair, and the new dynamic that should be created in their marriage, should they choose to reconcile.

 

A good therapist will deal with the affair first, then the marriage. To get the elephant out of the room and stop the bleeding of the betrayed spouse's wound. You aren't very important in this dynamic of therapy. You could have been anybody- which I know is hard to hear.

 

 

No, it's welcomed knowledge. I would prefer it begin to focus on their marriage and not on the AP, myself. That is the best case scenario for everyone here.

 

If you were truly tricked, and had no idea he was married, then that is what will protect you. If you were not tricked, and knew he was married, then I have to gently suggest that if she is very angry at you, it's not an unexpected outcome.

 

I knew, believe to a degree that I was still tricked, manipulated perhaps, I was weak. But, regardless. She has a temper, always has. The details may ruin their marriage. Yes, bracing myself is what I am doing, asking for information on here. Hopeful that they mend. Expecting that this may not happen.

 

No, disclosing the details may help the marriage. Honesty and courage will only help a marriage after DDay.

 

Cowardice, trickle-truthing, omitting details because you do not want to hurt me, is sooo condescending in that I believe you are just covering your azz.

 

It is often the death knell of a marriage after infidelity.

 

His actions caused the pain, not the telling of them. And if she loves him, she will be very angry at you to. Fair? No. But just as some OW have anger at the BS when he heads home, as if she manipulated him to do so, the BS will have the same feelingw of anger towards you and believe for awhile, that you manipulated him to a degree also.

 

It protects the psyche from hating someone we love when we diflect anger onto someone else.

 

It will pass when she is strong enough mentally and emotionally to direct her anger onto him, where it belongs.

[road]

What happens? Who can dish? Is this where the details of the affair are encouraged to surface? Does it actually work? How long does it go on? Etc., etc.

 

My fear is surrounding the knowledge the W receives, and if I should be bracing myself for more serious repercussions. There is a huge part of me that hopes it brings peace not problems. But, I'm beginning to think it's going to get worse before it gets better.

 

*I hate typos. Marital

 

she already went after my job and this was less than 12 hours after he told her about me, and prior to any details. SO, yes, I am a bit concerned as their therapy progresses..

 

 

A competent MC will make sure that all of the BS questions about the affair are answered 100% and honestly. IE: had sex, verses, we had sex 10 times and did not use a condom.

 

Exposure is advised to be done as soon as the BS has their dday. That exposure needs to be done full as possible and leave no stone unturned to find people to expose the affair to.

 

Exposure is normally a one time thing. However when the WS and or AP break NC then it is advised to re exposed.

 

So long as you fear more exposure then don't break NC.

 

Now part of NC is that the WS and AP can no longer work for the same firm any more. There can not be NC even if the AP's worked on different floors, departments because these as history points out were not enough of a barrier to keep the WS and AP from banging.

 

There can not be NC at the Firms xmass party, getting on the elevator at the same time, cafeteria, copy room, parking lot, passing in the hallway, business meeting will place you both in the same room.

 

So for the BS to be going after you where you work means that you must work with your AP.

[promises]

No,we did not work together .

[KathyM]

I come from a position of being a marriage therapist who works with couples to restore their marriages. By the time the couple come in for counseling, the BS normally knows about the infidelity. The couple are not encouraged by the therapist to tell others about the infidelity. The infidelity is a very personal, difficult aspect of the marriage, and only the married couple are encouraged to be honest with each other, not with outsiders. IMO, outsiders should not be told about the affair. This is for the couple to work out in therapy. We work on finding out what are the strengths and weaknesses of the marriage, and we work on building on the strengths in the marriage, and building back those areas that have become weak or what has never been strong, such as communication, affection, time investment in the marriage, and appreciation of your spouse.

[Snowflower]

No, it's welcomed knowledge. I would prefer it begin to focus on their marriage and not on the AP, myself. That is the best case scenario for everyone here.

 

 

I don't get this. There were three people involved in that marriage for a time. The MM, his BW and you. Now, that the last one of the people involved finally knows what is going on, she has no right to be upset and not focus on the other participant in her marriage?

 

If you had the balls to sleep with her husband, you have the balls to handle whatever she may throw your way!

 

It is no one's business what is discussed in marital counseling beyond the two who are in counseling. Do you think it is a bash session on you in that counselor's office? Or that they are helping the BW plot some way to even the score against you (doubtful because that may be unethical/illegal for the therapist to hear about)? Honestly, you will never know.

 

Just like the BW will never truly know what went on between you and her husband.

Edited December 18, 2012 by Snowflower

[promises]

I don't get this. There were three people involved in that marriage for a time. The MM, his BW and you. Now, that the last one of the people involved finally knows what is going on, she has no right to be upset and not focus on the other participant in her marriage?

 

If you had the balls to sleep with her husband, you have the balls to handle whatever she may throw your way!

 

It is no one's business what is discussed in marital counseling beyond the two who are in counseling. Do you think it is a bash session on you in that counselor's office? Or that they are helping the BW plot some way to even the score against you (doubtful because that may be unethical/illegal for the therapist to hear about)? Honestly, you will never know.

 

Just like the BW will never truly know what went on between you and her husband.

 

Well, I agree with you. That's why I want to know how therapy goes down. Listen, I know that she absolutely hates me. This thread isn't intended to give her a pat on the back for that or me for anything . She's demonstrated very real agression and I would like to know what happens to brace myself and my family if I need to .

[Snowflower]

Well, I agree with you. That's why I want to know how therapy goes down. Listen, I know that she absolutely hates me. This thread isn't intended to give her a pat on the back for that or me for anything . She's demonstrated very real agression and I would like to know what happens to brace myself and my family if I need to .

 

No one here can answer that for you since we don't know and aren't your MM's wife.

 

Unfortunately, this is the situation you signed yourself up for when you get into an affair with her husband.

 

AP should pick their BS very carefully!