Am I on the right road to getting her back?

[tjackson1]

Well me and my ex were together for 4 years and moved in together 5 months ago we moved on the other side of the city were I dont know anyone so I could provide for her through school. Well 1 1/2-2 months in to the lease. We sat down one night and descided it was time we have a relationship talk about our issues we had and things we could work on to improve our relationship(it was the first time we ever did this.) Well at first it was going good. I told her what I wanted. And she said what she would do to help impove those things. She told me what she wanted and I told her what I would do to improve things. Then the conversation took a turn for the worst. She started crying and saying she feels like things cant be fixed and that she just wanted to be single and that she feels like she is missing out on life(I was never controlling or gelous I didnt care if she went to parties or hung out with other guys cause we trusted each other).

 

Well I kicked her out of the apartment as I was the only one paying the bills. I let her keep some of her stuff there as she couldnt take it all to her brothers.

 

Well I found out that about a month after the breakup she was dating another guy (she didnt cheat on me).

 

Well I went NC for a while and only communicated with her if I had to like her mail and stuff to do with the apartment. Well she ended up needing stuff out of the apartment about two weeks ago like her bed and all her cloths she left, and she asked when would be a good time for me so I told her next tuesday as I had plans all week and worked all weekend. She said that was fine. Well then Friday she asked if she could just come get the stuff since I wasnt going to be there. I told her no cause I didnt trust her and I wanted to give her her things and get my apartment keys from her all at once. So she said I understand but im going to bring help. I asked if it was her new BF and she said yes it is. I told her not to bring him to my apartment or it will end badly. She said I understand and respect you feels so i wont bring him. Well she comes over and brought her sister wich is fine cuase I love that whole family like my own and they are the same way with me and vise versa with my family and her. Well every thing went well I played cool and confident and just joked with her and we just kind of kept each other laughing. Well when she was leaving I gave her a hug and said it was nice seeing you and I would like to see and talk to you more than once every couple months. She smiled and said we can hang out if you would like. I said I would realy like that but is your new bf going to be ok with that she looked down and smiled and fidled with her keys and started swaying side to side(I took it as he isn't going to like it but im doing it anyways). Then she just stood there by her car door not getting in just me and her stood there looking at each other kind of smiling as she was fiddling with her keys. Then I did something stupid but I'm glad I did it. I asked her if she misses me at all. She did the same thing as when I ask if her new BF would be ok with us handing out. Playing with her keys swaying and smiling she said she didnt want to complicate things(To me is a yes cause she could have said no and not complicate anything). I told it fine if you dont want to answer it we can talk about it another day. Well the next day I told her sorry for making her feel awkard and she said it fine and that I shouldnt feel alone cause she was struggling with the break up too(Im thinking why are you struggling you have a new BF and you broke up with me) she then said that she thinks we should remain as we are and see what the future hold and that if its ment to be it will be. Well we continued to talk I was asking her thinks she felt I needed to work on cause if we ever get back to gether they needed to be changed and if we didnt I want to know so I dont mess up my next relationship. Well we kept talking and she addmitted that she didnt decide to dump me till that night(she has commitment issues).

 

So we have been texting back and forth the past week or two just keep it simple and me joking and getting her to laugh and stuff and we agreed that we wanted to work on our friendship as if we get back together or not it will need to be worked on. Well today we were talking and I told her on January 9th im going to a consert for my birht day and she said she would come but she is bringing her BF. I told her why cant she ever just hang out with out him being there. I asked do you not trust you self with me? and she said she does but if we were going to be friends I need to be ok with us seeing other people. I told her when we agreed to work on our friendship I ment "our friendship" not me you and your new BF. Well she never responded. But im not to sure on how to go about this cause if she would just hang out with me a couple times I know I could get her back and she probably knows it too. but every time we have to see each other she avoids by I have plans or she will try and bring him along.

 

So do yall think I'm making progress. She is confusing. I do want her back more than anything. But im not sitting and waiting when Im not talking to her Im talking to other girls.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Well me and my ex were together for 4 years and moved in together 5 months ago we moved on the other side of the city were I dont know anyone so I could provide for her through school. Well 1 1/2-2 months in to the lease. We sat down one night and descided it was time we have a relationship talk about our issues we had and things we could work on to improve our relationship(it was the first time we ever did this.) Well at first it was going good. I told her what I wanted. And she said what she would do to help impove those things. She told me what she wanted and I told her what I would do to improve things. Then the conversation took a turn for the worst. She started crying and saying she feels like things cant be fixed and that she just wanted to be single and that she feels like she is missing out on life(I was never controlling or gelous I didnt care if she went to parties or hung out with other guys cause we trusted each other).

 

Well I kicked her out of the apartment as I was the only one paying the bills. I let her keep some of her stuff there as she couldnt take it all to her brothers.

 

Well I found out that about a month after the breakup she was dating another guy (she didnt cheat on me).

 

Well I went NC for a while and only communicated with her if I had to like her mail and stuff to do with the apartment. Well she ended up needing stuff out of the apartment about two weeks ago like her bed and all her cloths she left, and she asked when would be a good time for me so I told her next tuesday as I had plans all week and worked all weekend. She said that was fine. Well then Friday she asked if she could just come get the stuff since I wasnt going to be there. I told her no cause I didnt trust her and I wanted to give her her things and get my apartment keys from her all at once. So she said I understand but im going to bring help. I asked if it was her new BF and she said yes it is. I told her not to bring him to my apartment or it will end badly. She said I understand and respect you feels so i wont bring him. Well she comes over and brought her sister wich is fine cuase I love that whole family like my own and they are the same way with me and vise versa with my family and her. Well every thing went well I played cool and confident and just joked with her and we just kind of kept each other laughing. Well when she was leaving I gave her a hug and said it was nice seeing you and I would like to see and talk to you more than once every couple months. She smiled and said we can hang out if you would like. I said I would realy like that but is your new bf going to be ok with that she looked down and smiled and fidled with her keys and started swaying side to side(I took it as he isn't going to like it but im doing it anyways). Then she just stood there by her car door not getting in just me and her stood there looking at each other kind of smiling as she was fiddling with her keys. Then I did something stupid but I'm glad I did it. I asked her if she misses me at all. She did the same thing as when I ask if her new BF would be ok with us handing out. Playing with her keys swaying and smiling she said she didnt want to complicate things(To me is a yes cause she could have said no and not complicate anything). I told it fine if you dont want to answer it we can talk about it another day. Well the next day I told her sorry for making her feel awkard and she said it fine and that I shouldnt feel alone cause she was struggling with the break up too(Im thinking why are you struggling you have a new BF and you broke up with me) she then said that she thinks we should remain as we are and see what the future hold and that if its ment to be it will be. Well we continued to talk I was asking her thinks she felt I needed to work on cause if we ever get back to gether they needed to be changed and if we didnt I want to know so I dont mess up my next relationship. Well we kept talking and she addmitted that she didnt decide to dump me till that night(she has commitment issues).

 

So we have been texting back and forth the past week or two just keep it simple and me joking and getting her to laugh and stuff and we agreed that we wanted to work on our friendship as if we get back together or not it will need to be worked on. Well today we were talking and I told her on January 9th im going to a consert for my birht day and she said she would come but she is bringing her BF. I told her why cant she ever just hang out with out him being there. I asked do you not trust you self with me? and she said she does but if we were going to be friends I need to be ok with us seeing other people. I told her when we agreed to work on our friendship I ment "our friendship" not me you and your new BF. Well she never responded. But im not to sure on how to go about this cause if she would just hang out with me a couple times I know I could get her back and she probably knows it too. but every time we have to see each other she avoids by I have plans or she will try and bring him along.

 

So do yall think I'm making progress. She is confusing. I do want her back more than anything. But im not sitting and waiting when Im not talking to her Im talking to other girls.

 

Simple answer: NO!!! This is the EXACT opposite of what you should be doing. If your goal is to be her friend, then yeah you are doing well. Anything other than that, you are nowhere close. You continue doing this, she will fall harder for her current BF because she has the best of both worlds. She can hang out with you, go to concerts, and everything while she goes with her BF and has sex with him. Do you want that? I doubt it. Leave her alone. Go back to NC right now...it worked for the two weeks, so why not do it for a month? She will wonder what you are doing and why you are doing it. If she broke a four year relationship and GOT with someone within the month? Rebound my man. They usually never work out. So go NC, let her contact you and be supportive of your girls new relationship. She wont expect that.

[tjackson1]

yeah I was NC for 2.5 months before we started talking again this past two weeks. And yeah he is obviously a rebound plus I do feel good that she down graded cause this dude is goofy looking. But after her trying to bring him to my birthday I'm going NC again. I realy don't know why should would even try to bring him cause she knows I have anger issues and knows I would hurt him if given the chance. But I've accualy been doing better and getting help since the break up. Thanks for the advice.

[tjackson1]

Oh and not to mention she still has a album on FB named "my love and I" with all our pictures for the past 4 years and its still up. Also from what her family tells me every time I'm brought up in a conversation her face lights up and has a big smile.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Oh and not to mention she still has a album on FB named "my love and I" with all our pictures for the past 4 years and its still up. Also from what her family tells me every time I'm brought up in a conversation her face lights up and has a big smile.

 

Well, things could be much worse that's for sure. Since she is with a guy, I would suggest putting a bunch of pics with you and other girls up. I feel as though she thinks that you are just waiting around for her. The NC thing is great, so add that with looking like you are moving on. Just some suggestions and.who knows, you might move forward past her.

[tjackson1]

Yeah deleted her from FB so she cant see any of my stuff but I dont see my self moving on from her for a long time. Ive seen and slept with other girls since but dont realy care for them.

[Droplet]

She will never want you back as long as she thinks that you aren't sincerely trying to move on from her. Why ? Because she already has you.

 

She can talk to you whenever she feels like it. You provide her with the emotional part she needs while her boyfriend takes care of the physical aspect of the relationship. I know reading this hurts but I hope this is the spark that you need to man up and tell her that "well, I'm second best to no one. I still respect you deeply but I need to move on now" and genuinely try to do so because that's the only way you can heal, improve yourself AND regain her respect.

 

Girls hate doormats. Sure, using them is nice because they give them value for free ( think about it : you provide her with laughs, hugs and emotions while she provides you with jealousy and heart break ) but deep down, unconsciously, they don't respect them.

 

I know you love her, man, otherwise you wouldn't be here, but you need to try and move on for yourself and I'm sure that your silence will be deafening enough for her to react and if she doesn't, then that's her loss because you obviously wanted to make this work until you stopped caring.

[jags2bowl27]

She will never want you back as long as she thinks that you aren't sincerely trying to move on from her. Why ? Because she already has you.

 

She can talk to you whenever she feels like it. You provide her with the emotional part she needs while her boyfriend takes care of the physical aspect of the relationship. I know reading this hurts but I hope this is the spark that you need to man up and tell her that "well, I'm second best to no one. I still respect you deeply but I need to move on now" and genuinely try to do so because that's the only way you can heal, improve yourself AND regain her respect.

 

Girls hate doormats. Sure, using them is nice because they give them value for free ( think about it : you provide her with laughs, hugs and emotions while she provides you with jealousy and heart break ) but deep down, unconsciously, they don't respect them.

 

I know you love her, man, otherwise you wouldn't be here, but you need to try and move on for yourself and I'm sure that your silence will be deafening enough for her to react and if she doesn't, then that's her loss because you obviously wanted to make this work until you stopped caring.

 

This is a great reply and you should listen to it. Im in the same boat as you... the girl i thought i was going to marry is with another guy right now. Even though some of the LS posters thought i was crazy having a sit down meeting with her, i wanted to put everything out on the table of what went wrong. Now that we both have everything out in the open, i realize there is a lot that i could have done to not be in the position i am, but she also didnt communicate what she was feeling. We decided to not speak with eachother, go our separate ways with the understanding that if one is feeling something and they need to express it, we will. Also, if an emergency happens we can call each other (i wont though, she will )

 

My point is my man, once you have done EVERYTHING you can do, you have to let go. Like i told her when we met, im not scared to let go of someone i loved because that is what true love is. Maybe you have to let go and let god play its course.... if she contacts, you can respond, just dont contact her first until she says i want to try this again. Then the ball is in your court my friend.

[tjackson1]

Well im going NC again. And thanks for the advice. Guys but yeah she did the same to me. We sat down to talk about the stuff and she admitted to me that she broke it off with out even trying. But hopefully this NC will help.

[tjackson1]

Well I was doing no contact since the 18th and she texted me Christmas. Saying Marry Christmas even though you dont celebrate it. We ended up texted all day. and out of know were she said "I'm sorry I treated you like crap, you were always there for me and I took if for granted." I said that was random and she replied "I was just thinking about it." But we have been texting the past two three days a little bit here and there. Her BF coped an adittude at for no reason on FB and basicaly made himself look like an A**. But im going back to no cantact hope fully for longer this time. As I only talk to her when she contacts me and I try to keep it short but Christmas we ended up talking more than I thought.

[ATR]

Even if she contacts you, you should ignore it - if you truly are going NC.

 

The idea of going NC is to remove all strings that you two had.

 

If she texts you again, delete it.

Unless she's specifically asking to sort things out, relationship wise, ignore and delete.

 

All the best.

[tjackson1]

Thanks man. Your right. As im sure all of you know how hard it is to do that. But I'm going to try my best.

[Game]

First of all, I want to commend you on how you handled the situation. A lot of dudes would've gone nuts or taken a less classy route, but you handled it just fine.

 

Secondly, it sounds like this chick is in her early 20's and is in the phase where she wants to "experience the world" and wants to be single, etc. Usually when this happens, they will contact the ex, months, or years later (if you were a good guy to her, which sounds like you were) saying how they made a mistake, blah blah blah, the world is not as glamorous as they thought it would be...save it bit.ch

 

Thirdly, you were with this girl for 4 years (that's a shi.tload of history). This guy that she is with is DEFINITELY a rebound, no questions about it. She got with the dude in less than a month after breakup from a LTR so for her to say she is missing out and wants to be single is a bunch of BS..either she was really unhappy in the relationship or wants to bang other dudes

 

Now the question is, do you want to be her friend or her lover? I'm guessing since you are on here that you want to be more than friends with her. If this is the case, this is going to be pretty tough for several reasons. She HAS another man at the moment and it sounds like she is not chasing you. If you want her to come back, you are going to have to have her chase you. And typically the only way this will work is if she realizes that she fuc.ked up and wants you back. If you really have been a nice guy to her and did everything for her, then it is only a matter of time for her to realize this when her current boyfriend starts fuc.kin up on her. If you are on the sidelines by being there for her, yea you might eventually win and get her back, but it will take longer and you would have to be so emotionally strong that nothing will phase you..for example, would you be ok seeing her kiss her current man? I doubt it bc you didn't even want to see this guy at your place, let alone a concert, bc you were afraid of what you might do. Therefore, the only logical thing to do would be to go no contact.

 

Like you said, you don't want to be sitting and waiting, and clearly she's always trying to bring her new man around when you want to hang out with her. I'd say talk to other chicks and try to move on for now..it's funny, once you start moving on and she hears wind of you having a new girl..I have a feeling that is when she will start trying to show up again in your life.

[tjackson1]

Thank you, yes she is 20 about to be 21(im 22), yes he is a rebound no questions asked, and yes I want her back thanks for the advice, and ive been trying my best to meet new girls. I have a couple girls I would like to go out with my since we have been friends for so long at this point it would just be a rebound to me and I wouldnt want to hurt my friendship with them just to have a rebound.

[Doicare]

Im going to go against most everyones advice. It seems like you admit that you werent as fun as you could be. People want to be with someone they feel is exciting and they have fun with. she left you because you werent.

 

my impression is that by going NC, you are essentially cutting her off, and while she may be missing you, she will eventually move on bc you are sending her a signal that you no longer want to spend time with her. People go where they feel wanted, have fun and feel confident and special. you did not give that to her.

 

I suggest "love tactics", a book, I use it like a bible and it works. It basically establishes what gets people interested in you. And some might think it's underhanded, i think it actually shows you how a healthy relationship evolves. The thing is you need to not be needy, and you have to feel good about yourself, otherwise you will fail.

 

I tried it on my ex a few years back as an experiment (yes she dumped me). but I gave it some time, she even had a new boyfriend. But I would call her every 2-3 weeks, we would catch up. I would be in a good mood, we would talk for an hour at a time, I would always try to end the conversation first. eventually she loved hearing from me, even after I cried for her to come back (at the onset). Sure enough her bf got wind of us talking, and got super jealous and totally blew it by trying to control her, she ended up dumping him. All the while we kept in touch. Well we were working towards a reconciliation, and I found another gf who i was head over heels for. when I saw me ex next (she had moved to another city), she tried to hook up with me (we had once a few months before), and I told her i couldnt bc i had a new gf. anyhow, she cried and said she wished she hadnt broken up with me.... point is, by being confident, happy, making sure we had awesome conversations and being emotionally independent, she eventually came back. This takes time (months).

 

But if you are willing to man up, and remove your neediness, I honestly believe you can regain control. but you also need to change your attitude towards this relationship and not need her or be dependent on her for feeling good about yourself. In other words you cant have the same relationship you once had, you need to be a man about this, and make this about her having a good time. and unless you can pull yourself together and do this (i think you can), then it will not work. if you break down and beg for her back, you have failed. When i hooked up with my gf, there was no conversation about us, I didnt seek for any feedback, I just pulled a move and we went at it. afterwards I emotionally cut myself off. you need to do the same, and if you do get her back you cant regress into that needy mama's boy you once were (im generalizing here btw...). I suggest spending time with her, be somewhat aloof, make sure you keep it light and fun, and don't be available to her every need, keep yourself busy and give her just a bit of time when you can spare it. she needs to see that you've moved on and have a life without her, and she only gets a little of it when you can spare it now.

 

Ultimately though, is it worth your effort?? you need to decide. there are so many amazing and beautiful women out there, it may just be easier to start with someone new.

 

I currently just got dumped (Ive been really moody and deserved it). Im going back and forth in my head, trying to decide if it's worth it to try and salvage this. I believe I can, but Im not sure if I have the energy to bother when the path of least resistance tells me it's simpler to find someone else.....

 

Anyhow, Im just about to post my issue feel free to read my situation.

 

BTW - break ups are a great time to learn from yourself and become stronger and happier for you and only you. test your limits, and use this as a growing experience as opposed to feeling beaten and weak, be strong and confident you are going through this only to emerge as a better more mature and great person.

 

I dont know you, so please dont take my advice as patronizing, Im talking about relationships in general and it's possible you are doing great already. I dont think NC (NC is for your) is the solution if you want to get her back. Limited contact is a much better approach, keep her interested and dangle that carrot, definitely date other girls in the meantime, I know i did and had a blast! and btw Droplet is right, she needs to think you've moved on, but giving her a small window with LC, keeps her hopes alive....

 

And btw you have to respect her choice, if she wants to hang out with you with her new bf, you have to be ok with that. right now she is with someone else, acting jealous will only hurt you in your attempt to get her back. personally in hindsight, I would try and make this a project while you move on and try to find someone else, you need to accept this as over before you can try to get her back.

 

My two cents...

Edited January 3, 2013 by Doicare
additional comment

[tjackson1]

Thanks for the input. Im trying to stick to NC cause I realy do need to just move on from her and just hope for the best.

[tjackson1]

Well I was talking to her sister last night cause she stayed at my place. And she told me "there is more to the situation than you know". So I got her to tell me what she ment by that. She told me that the last 2-3 weeks we were together that when she went and hung out with friends she didn't invite me or would tell me she just wanted to hangout with friend by herself it was be cuase she was bringing her now BF with her insted of me. I dont think she did anything physical but the fact that she was seeing him and basicaly going out with him behind my back I still say it's cheating. So I don't think I will ever take her back now. I dont want her in my life at all not even as a friend. She waisted 4 years of my life saying she wanted to spend her life with me even 2 months before breaking up telling her Grandma that she wanted to spend her life with me and that she never thought she could love someone so much, to this. I was so hurt hearing that last night I didn't even sleep.