lovefiction Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Hi... I am wondering if there are any single parents on here? I have been feeling extremely sad and frustrated as a full-time single parent and I wonder if anyone can help me... My boyfriend and I just broke up because he wants to be able to enjoy his new-found freedom (he is divorced and now his kids live with mom on mainland)... It is really hurting me that he has replaced me with someone simply because I have responsibilities as a parent... I also feel really frustrated and resentful about my situation... It hurts because I know I am a good person, but I hate being so alone...
Just smile Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 I'm a single mother to four kids. Hang in there, it is very lonely I've been divorced four years and in and out of a relationship with a man who never involved himself in the lives of my children, at the same time, I didn't really want or need this man around my children.... 1
Author lovefiction Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 Thank you Just Smile... I guess I am wondering if there will ever be a time when I feel like I am enough... When I was with my boyfriend I was so happy but I was also so torn by my responsibilities as a parent. I have my son 100% of the time (his father lives in Europe and has never been a part of his life)... My mother is around sometimes but it is never something I can depend upon... So I was always being guilted by one person or the other... Eventually my boyfriend got tired of my schedule and broke up with me last week... It sucks!!! I have done everything for my son... I gave up so many things when I found out I was pregnant and I accepted that it was going to be hard... But I guess when I met my boyfriend I felt like something was gonna change... I believed that he loved me enough... Now I feel like maybe nobody ever will... I will be turning 35 this coming year and I have never been married... By choosing to have my son did I also to choose to never get married or find love???? I am sorry - it all sounds so pathetic...
monicaelise Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Your son will grow up, keep that in mind. This is just a short period in your life that feels very long. I've got three boys myself, and I've spent many years as an unmarried mother. My situation is slightly different, insofar as I have had very supportive co-parents, but with three kids with a sixteen year age span between them, I do know what it's like to have trouble making yourself a priority and getting your needs met. Just know that it will end. There will be a time when he's old enough that you will get your turn.
venusianx13 Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 I am single mom to a 7 year old boy. I know it hurts right now, but one day you will realize he did you a favor (by leaving). What kind of father would enjoy being away from his own children? He sounds like a very selfish person. I was with a man for 6 years (engaged for part of that time) who I came to realize did not care about my son (or me, for that matter). He was not step-father material (for many, many reasons), and after we broke up, though I was lonely, I did not feel like I missed anything about him, because he did not contribute anything positive to my life or my son's. And for six years, all I had known was someone who was indifferent, except for when it came to his own wants and needs. I eventually met another man, and he is better than I ever imagined possible. He loves both me and my son, and I believe it takes a very special kind of man to embrace another man's child, and not only to tolerate, but to truly love them. A man like this exists for you as well... don't settle for less. 2
yessy21 Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Eventually you will meet someone that doesnt care, that will love you for you. I SURE DID. Hang in there honey! 2
Author lovefiction Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 Thank you all for your positive feedback... It helps to be reminded that just because it feels bad now, doesn't mean it is hopeless... My son is an amazing young man - I hve on numerous occassions wondered how my bf did not connect with him more.. THe thing is his son is the same age as mine and I know that when he was going thru his custody battle he was really concerned about his son feeling like he had been replaced... @venusianx13 - I don't think he enjoys not having his kids around, I know he loves them dearly. I think he misses them terribly but the way he has elected to cope with it is to "enjoy" his life doing all the things he never got to do... I do think you are right though, he never really seemed to care for my son and is way to focused on himself, his wants and needs... This should have been a red flag for me... I do hope that things get easier... I know I need to focus on creating my own happiness but after two years dedicated to my bf and ten years dedicated to my son... I actually think I am scared of taking care of myself... Lol... It is so much easier to focus on others... 1
venusianx13 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 (edited) Thank you all for your positive feedback... It helps to be reminded that just because it feels bad now, doesn't mean it is hopeless... My son is an amazing young man - I hve on numerous occassions wondered how my bf did not connect with him more.. THe thing is his son is the same age as mine and I know that when he was going thru his custody battle he was really concerned about his son feeling like he had been replaced... @venusianx13 - I don't think he enjoys not having his kids around, I know he loves them dearly. I think he misses them terribly but the way he has elected to cope with it is to "enjoy" his life doing all the things he never got to do... I do think you are right though, he never really seemed to care for my son and is way to focused on himself, his wants and needs... This should have been a red flag for me... I do hope that things get easier... I know I need to focus on creating my own happiness but after two years dedicated to my bf and ten years dedicated to my son... I actually think I am scared of taking care of myself... Lol... It is so much easier to focus on others... Things will get better. You are just as deserving of your own love as anyone else is. I know it's easier to be content when focusing on others (and that is a very selfless virtue, in fact). You don't have to be selfish to take care of yourself. There are men out there who will be very attracted to your virtue (i.e. being a fantastic mother, and a generous and kind person), but it helps to take good care of yourself as well. Give yourself time to mope/bum around like we all do after a break-up, and eventually you will find the motivation you need to move forward with a plan for yourself. Edited December 19, 2012 by venusianx13 3
Author lovefiction Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 I woke up this morning missing him soooo much... My mom is visiting for the holidays and so I finally have a babysitter to watch my son... It kills me that the timing is so bad! If she could have come three weeks ago, we would still be together and I would not have had to cancel our plans because my son was sick... It took everything in me to keep from calling him yesterday b/c I desperately wanted to see him and pretend like everything was still the same. The only thing that keeps me from calling is the fact that after my mom leaves in a few days, the situation will still be the same... and even though we would have delayed the end, as circumstances stand, the break up is inevitable. Instead of calling him, I called different man whose been interested in me for a little while... We are going to have drinks this evening, but after talking to this man I felt even more lonely because he is NOT my boyfriend...
venusianx13 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I woke up this morning missing him soooo much... My mom is visiting for the holidays and so I finally have a babysitter to watch my son... It kills me that the timing is so bad! If she could have come three weeks ago, we would still be together and I would not have had to cancel our plans because my son was sick... It took everything in me to keep from calling him yesterday b/c I desperately wanted to see him and pretend like everything was still the same. The only thing that keeps me from calling is the fact that after my mom leaves in a few days, the situation will still be the same... and even though we would have delayed the end, as circumstances stand, the break up is inevitable. Instead of calling him, I called different man whose been interested in me for a little while... We are going to have drinks this evening, but after talking to this man I felt even more lonely because he is NOT my boyfriend... Good for you (about this date). Some might disagree with me on jumping right back into dating after the end of a relationship, but I believe that it aids in rebuilding your self-esteem, as well as seeing that there are men out there with better qualities than your ex had. I see nothing wrong with dating, as long as you are honest about your recent break-up. And this feeling of missing your ex after having spoken to this man will subside in time. 1
Author lovefiction Posted December 20, 2012 Author Posted December 20, 2012 I just got home from my date and while it was a nice relief from the lonliness, there were definitely no sparks... @venusianx13 - I appreciate that you do not think it is too soon to go out on a date... I did wonder but I felt like, I simply won't have a lot of opportunities to go out in the next few weeks so I should make the most of things... I think it was a little bittersweet because I would have much preferred it to have been my ex and not some other man... But he was very nice and it was good to remember that just because my ex didn't want to be with me doesn't mean I am not desired... On the other hand it also highlighted all the things that I miss about my ex - his sense of humor, his intellect, his romantic, passionate nature... As I was driving home, I kept thinking about our first date and all the dates that followed and how perfectly we suited each other... There was never any awkwardness to our beginning... And this made me wonder if he really thinks he can find someone who complements him as well... Strangely I have tried very hard to believe that there is some other woman but everything in me keeps telling me that there isn't anyone... It is inconsequential I know, but for some reason, try as I might, I simply cannot imagine happily with anyone else but me... Is that absoluately naiive???
Author lovefiction Posted December 25, 2012 Author Posted December 25, 2012 I hate myself... I know I am making myself miserable but I seem to be obsessing over my ex with this other woman... He posted a picture on his FB page of them together... It has only been three weeks since we broke up... It was like a slap in the face because he always said he did not think FB was the place to display his dating life... I found myself studying their picture trying to see if his eyes were twinkling as they always did with me... She is a plain woman - sweet and pretty but not someone I would think would interest him... I am absolutely befuddled because aside from the fact that she is "available" and able to make an "equal effort" as he stated when we broke up, I don't see how he would choose her over me... I am feeling extremely petty and resentful... I actually want to call her and tell her all the horrible things I can think of... I would never act on this but I can't seem to get over things... I have never been replaced... and the idea that it is because I am a single mother hurts more than anything... The other thing that is bothering me is that before we broke up we had plans to spend Christmas together; his kids were supposed to be visiting for ten days and I thought we were going to bring our kids together... I was checking his FB page expected to see his usual reunion picture of him with his kids but he has not posted any... I can't stop wondering if the reason he has suddenly broken up with me, found a new girlfriend who is kidless, and posted her picture on his page as if he has made a new life is because his ex kept the kids... Whenever something bad happens with his kids/ex, he flips out and does something erratic and thoughtless... I know none of it should matter to me... But I love him more than anything... I thought we were going to be together forever... I thought we had plans for me and my son to move in with him... He made me so many promises and just like that... He called it quits and discovered his true love??? How can this be??? Please help me... Please... I am so scared and depressed... I feel like there is a hole in my chest and I just can't breathe... I am trying so hard not to let my son see how broken I feel b/c he already feels like it is his fault that we broke up and I am sad... Worst Xmas ever...
todreaminblue Posted December 25, 2012 Posted December 25, 2012 Hi... I am wondering if there are any single parents on here? I have been feeling extremely sad and frustrated as a full-time single parent and I wonder if anyone can help me... My boyfriend and I just broke up because he wants to be able to enjoy his new-found freedom (he is divorced and now his kids live with mom on mainland)... It is really hurting me that he has replaced me with someone simply because I have responsibilities as a parent... I also feel really frustrated and resentful about my situation... It hurts because I know I am a good person, but I hate being so alone... When my ex and i broke up i was desolate....the tru emeanign fo the word.....i tried datign the first year out o sheer stupidity...i wasn t ready in no way shape or form was i ready and i messed up........it came a time i accepted my single mother status....... i am never resentful or depressed about the fact i am a mother single or otherwise its a gift that some women dont get too enjoy, and i have and do enjoy being a mother through some really rough times my mantra was the girls need you...i get depressed because i feel i am a failure at most things......i have always been a loner never alone i am always surrounded, so it doesnt disturb me it disturbs me more when i fall for someone, like recently...i didnt want to because i didnt want to be hurt again.i am not a short term fix type of woman when i fall i fall hard....luckily i dont fall often.i am starting to feel its better for me to be in a relationship where i dont feel passionate.......... needless to say i kmaikazed myself because when i am attracted to someone i let them know straight......and yep got hurt......still being hurt because i cant pray the feelings away they remain........i did repair some things today though, i said merry xmas to my exes gf who he had an affair with and i felt release from that issue...i am not a grudge holder...and its been long enough......i forgave my ex a long time ago......i am sorry that you were replaced....it is the guys loss you know... its hard for guys to accept another womans children i am keenly aware of how some men feel about single mothers......a lot of guys feel easy root....lonely desperate so up fro sex any which way.... this pisses me off......i have a mental illness so i have the crazy sex lonely desperate woman thinking men to look out for as will always tell a guy before i date him i have a mental illness...as i may have a mental illness but i am honest.its enough to drive you nuts dating i tell ya......so i choose not to date....you are always going to have difficulty dating when you have kids as you dont only have to consider yourself...but the welfare of your kids....... mine are older and trying to push me out there wanting me to date now.........but i have been celibate a long time now....and i am not scared of having sex i enjoy sex from what i remember a bit cobwebby...smiling....just dont want to unless its a committed relationship.......i know how you feel..... i hope the resentment you feel fades as you kiss your kids goodnight and see their sleep faces in their beds.......its not an easy life for you but its not for them either they share your grief not having a dad around... i didnt ever want to be a single mum....but thats the way it is for me and I too want to feel a mans hands on me again...to feel close to a guy but being scared at the same time isnt fun.. especially when you could get hurt...there's always that chance......dont give up though......there are men out there who love children and would feel blessed to become part of your life, you just might have to wait a while, take the time to enjoy one on one time with your kids, watch movies together go to teh park together hear all theri dreams adn wishes....you might be surprised how much they enrich your life and more importantly how much you enrich theirs...that will get you through dark days....best of luck....deb
Angel Heart Posted December 26, 2012 Posted December 26, 2012 I am sorry you're hurting; they're options for you to look forward to once your pain subsides. I've been divorced over 17yrs and raised my son on my own. He is now 19yo and moved to Ca. My focus was taking care of him and work; I rarely dated. I regret only that now I'm new to the dating world and things seem to have changed. I recently started seeing someone the first time in years and it is scarily awesome. I was so lonely when my son left me with an empty nest I had a few one night stands that were awful. I now know I am worth more than that and am seeking a real friendship/relationship with someone who treats me well. OP, you just have to find a happy medium; quality time for yourself and for your child(ren). And a man that truly deserves all the awesomeness you have to offer. 3
Monty4321 Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 Thank you Just Smile... I guess I am wondering if there will ever be a time when I feel like I am enough... When I was with my boyfriend I was so happy but I was also so torn by my responsibilities as a parent. I have my son 100% of the time (his father lives in Europe and has never been a part of his life)... My mother is around sometimes but it is never something I can depend upon... So I was always being guilted by one person or the other... Eventually my boyfriend got tired of my schedule and broke up with me last week... It sucks!!! I have done everything for my son... I gave up so many things when I found out I was pregnant and I accepted that it was going to be hard... But I guess when I met my boyfriend I felt like something was gonna change... I believed that he loved me enough... Now I feel like maybe nobody ever will... I will be turning 35 this coming year and I have never been married... By choosing to have my son did I also to choose to never get married or find love???? I am sorry - it all sounds so pathetic... Lovefiction. I'm sorry you are going through these things. Its been an up and down year for me too and things can get very lonely. I find it hard, very hard when relationships end. I just hit low-mid thirties and questioned if I'd be single for rest of my life because i keep meeting the wrong females. I hope to find something meaningful one day in someone. Don't hang your head. You seem like a good woman from what u want. You will find someone one day who will love and accept u for who you are and will accept your kid as well. But nothing is perfect. Hang in there. Things will get better. 1
Monty4321 Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 I hate myself... I know I am making myself miserable but I seem to be obsessing over my ex with this other woman... He posted a picture on his FB page of them together... It has only been three weeks since we broke up... It was like a slap in the face because he always said he did not think FB was the place to display his dating life... I found myself studying their picture trying to see if his eyes were twinkling as they always did with me... She is a plain woman - sweet and pretty but not someone I would think would interest him... I am absolutely befuddled because aside from the fact that she is "available" and able to make an "equal effort" as he stated when we broke up, I don't see how he would choose her over me... I am feeling extremely petty and resentful... I actually want to call her and tell her all the horrible things I can think of... I would never act on this but I can't seem to get over things... I have never been replaced... and the idea that it is because I am a single mother hurts more than anything... The other thing that is bothering me is that before we broke up we had plans to spend Christmas together; his kids were supposed to be visiting for ten days and I thought we were going to bring our kids together... I was checking his FB page expected to see his usual reunion picture of him with his kids but he has not posted any... I can't stop wondering if the reason he has suddenly broken up with me, found a new girlfriend who is kidless, and posted her picture on his page as if he has made a new life is because his ex kept the kids... Whenever something bad happens with his kids/ex, he flips out and does something erratic and thoughtless... I know none of it should matter to me... But I love him more than anything... I thought we were going to be together forever... I thought we had plans for me and my son to move in with him... He made me so many promises and just like that... He called it quits and discovered his true love??? How can this be??? Please help me... Please... I am so scared and depressed... I feel like there is a hole in my chest and I just can't breathe... I am trying so hard not to let my son see how broken I feel b/c he already feels like it is his fault that we broke up and I am sad... Worst Xmas ever... Don't hate yourself. You gotta try to be strong. I went through a divorce and it was the worse thing i have ever gone through. It felt like a death literally. I wanted to drive my car into the wall - not caring about my life ending or just to get x to care. But i got passed that. The best help u can get is to hang around your family. Trust me, it will help u. But u will have endure some pain because of the loss of that idiot. But being around family will ease the pain. Im not sure if u are a Christian, but try to attend a few services - it'll take your mind off of it. Be very open to your son that its not his fault. Take him out and be nice to him and treat him, maybe that will ease some of his doubts. Stay off of his fb, it'll drive u nuts - trust me. You should probably delete him from your fb too. Know your worth girl. He didnt deserve u. He did u a favor. You will be worth tons to the person that will have u eventually. Dont let this take u out.
Monty4321 Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 When my ex and i broke up i was desolate....the tru emeanign fo the word.....i tried datign the first year out o sheer stupidity...i wasn t ready in no way shape or form was i ready and i messed up........it came a time i accepted my single mother status....... i am never resentful or depressed about the fact i am a mother single or otherwise its a gift that some women dont get too enjoy, and i have and do enjoy being a mother through some really rough times my mantra was the girls need you...i get depressed because i feel i am a failure at most things......i have always been a loner never alone i am always surrounded, so it doesnt disturb me it disturbs me more when i fall for someone, like recently...i didnt want to because i didnt want to be hurt again.i am not a short term fix type of woman when i fall i fall hard....luckily i dont fall often.i am starting to feel its better for me to be in a relationship where i dont feel passionate.......... needless to say i kmaikazed myself because when i am attracted to someone i let them know straight......and yep got hurt......still being hurt because i cant pray the feelings away they remain........i did repair some things today though, i said merry xmas to my exes gf who he had an affair with and i felt release from that issue...i am not a grudge holder...and its been long enough......i forgave my ex a long time ago......i am sorry that you were replaced....it is the guys loss you know... its hard for guys to accept another womans children i am keenly aware of how some men feel about single mothers......a lot of guys feel easy root....lonely desperate so up fro sex any which way.... this pisses me off......i have a mental illness so i have the crazy sex lonely desperate woman thinking men to look out for as will always tell a guy before i date him i have a mental illness...as i may have a mental illness but i am honest.its enough to drive you nuts dating i tell ya......so i choose not to date....you are always going to have difficulty dating when you have kids as you dont only have to consider yourself...but the welfare of your kids....... mine are older and trying to push me out there wanting me to date now.........but i have been celibate a long time now....and i am not scared of having sex i enjoy sex from what i remember a bit cobwebby...smiling....just dont want to unless its a committed relationship.......i know how you feel..... i hope the resentment you feel fades as you kiss your kids goodnight and see their sleep faces in their beds.......its not an easy life for you but its not for them either they share your grief not having a dad around... i didnt ever want to be a single mum....but thats the way it is for me and I too want to feel a mans hands on me again...to feel close to a guy but being scared at the same time isnt fun.. especially when you could get hurt...there's always that chance......dont give up though......there are men out there who love children and would feel blessed to become part of your life, you just might have to wait a while, take the time to enjoy one on one time with your kids, watch movies together go to teh park together hear all theri dreams adn wishes....you might be surprised how much they enrich your life and more importantly how much you enrich theirs...that will get you through dark days....best of luck....deb Good words. I'm a guy and i felt like u were talking to me. Lol.
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