helloiloveyou Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 (edited) Hi everyone, This is going to be long. I am in so much pain, and I would really appreciate any help. I would like some insight into this situation. Six months ago, my boyfriend and I ended our three-month relationship. I was graduating from college while he was still a sophomore, and I would have been three hours away. He didn't want to pursue a long distance relationship, and this created an unhealthy power dynamic in which he had more control because I wanted to keep the relationship more. According to him, this power imbalance was what caused him to break up with me. He did it via email after two weeks of ignoring me, and I was torn apart. It was a short relationship but a very intense one, and I loved him so much. During our relationship, he would always mention how much he hated his ex girlfriend, whom he had broken up with a month before meeting me. They were together for more than three years. They were eight hours apart when he went to college, and their relationship became very sour. Their relationship was so toxic that he had to take a semester off from college due to depression. Apparently, she asked for an open relationship as well, and he agreed to it in order to keep her. However, she broke the rule of not "dating" other people and started a side relationship with someone else the week after this decision, which made him think it had been going on behind his back. I was so confused about why he would always talk about how much he hated her, and after our breakup, he sent me an email a month later detailing his hatred for her and how he never loved her, reassuring me that he had never compared her to me. He said he had never loved me, although he thought what we had had was special. Then a few days later, I found out that he and her had gotten back together. Fast forward to today, they have been reunited five months, and we have been broken up six months. The catch is that while they are still eight hours apart, while I actually now work near the college campus and live five minutes from his dorm. This was a total coincidence and neither of us knew it would happen. I sent him an email in the fall asking him nicely to please pretend we do not know each other, because it is so painful for me to talk to him. He completely ignored this, and a month later, cornered me in a academic building to ask for his things and to see if I wanted my things back. We ended up talking for three hours, during which he apologized profusely. He was still looking at me with "soft eyes," if you know what I mean. He admitted that the exchange of material things had been an excuse to break our silence. One thing that hurt was that he told me he had not been able to fall in love with me because he had been in love with her all along. After that, I did not want to talk to him again because seeing him and talking to him broke my heart so much. That was a month ago, and I ignored him several times when I ran into him. However, this past weekend... I ran into him at a party. He kept on staring at me when he thought I wasn't looking. He sat down next me and his professor (me and his professor were hanging out) and joined our conversation. When he got the chance, he inched closer to me, and it felt very physically intimate. I felt so attracted to him again, and I could tell he felt the same. He seemed so happy that I would even talk to him. That night, I realized that I had been in denial and that I am still so in love with him. I drove him home, but we spent four hours in the car and talked until three in the morning about many things. One of the things he said was "It could have been very different had I known that you were going to be working so nearby this year." Another was "So many important things happened to me last semester and I was really happy: I met you." He kept on insisting that what we had had been real, although I find it hard to believe if he went straight back to his ex who was emotionally abusive to him. The conversation was supposed to be about whether or not we should be friends. I left the conversation saying that he should send me an email about why he thinks we should be friends, and gave him a deadline. He met this deadline, but did not explain why. He said the following: Hi ____, I hope you are well. Here is my proposal. I think that we should be somewhat of friends, I mean to an extent that you are comfortable with, meaning that we could maybe hang out once in a while to talk, exchange views, and so forth. (I have heard that friends sometimes do this...) Thank you for reading. Sincerely, _________ I don't know what he wants. I know he misses me and that he really enjoyed talking to me the both times we talked because I saw it in his face. He looked so happy at the party when I was talking to him. I sent him back an email asking why he wanted to be friends, and that it would help me make my decision. I want him back, even though he is with someone else now. I am hoping that he has feelings for me. But I'm not sure how to play my cards right because I only have one chance. I will do anything to have him back. Should I tell him the truth: I would like to be friends, but I do still have feelings for you so it might be hard? My friend told me that maybe he has no idea that I still love him, and that if I tell him, he might redevelop feelings for me if he doesn't have any, and if he does, that he might reconsider getting back together. After all, I am five minutes away and she is seven hours away. I have been nothing but kind and selfless to him, and she has cheated on him. Or, do you think the best move would be to just say we can be friends, then try to slowly make a move...? Or, should I just cut off contact altogether? I'm so afraid that his answer will be, "I do not have any more feelings for you. I will always stay with my girlfriend." Please help. And why is he so insistent on being friends/staying in touch? Thank you so much. Edited December 18, 2012 by helloiloveyou
Samilia Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Hi everyone, This is going to be long. I am in so much pain, and I would really appreciate any help. I would like some insight into this situation. Six months ago, my boyfriend and I ended our three-month relationship. I was graduating from college while he was still a sophomore, and I would have been three hours away. He didn't want to pursue a long distance relationship, and this created an unhealthy power dynamic in which he had more control because I wanted to keep the relationship more. According to him, this power imbalance was what caused him to break up with me. He did it via email after two weeks of ignoring me, and I was torn apart. It was a short relationship but a very intense one, and I loved him so much. During our relationship, he would always mention how much he hated his ex girlfriend, whom he had broken up with a month before meeting me. They were together for more than three years. They were eight hours apart when he went to college, and their relationship became very sour. Their relationship was so toxic that he had to take a semester off from college due to depression. Apparently, she asked for an open relationship as well, and he agreed to it in order to keep her. However, she broke the rule of not "dating" other people and started a side relationship with someone else the week after this decision, which made him think it had been going on behind his back. I was so confused about why he would always talk about how much he hated her, and after our breakup, he sent me an email a month later detailing his hatred for her and how he never loved her, reassuring me that he had never compared her to me. He said he had never loved me, although he thought what we had had was special. Then a few days later, I found out that he and her had gotten back together. Fast forward to today, they have been reunited five months, and we have been broken up six months. The catch is that while they are still eight hours apart, while I actually now work near the college campus and live five minutes from his dorm. This was a total coincidence and neither of us knew it would happen. I sent him an email in the fall asking him nicely to please pretend we do not know each other, because it is so painful for me to talk to him. He completely ignored this, and a month later, cornered me in a academic building to ask for his things and to see if I wanted my things back. We ended up talking for three hours, during which he apologized profusely. He was still looking at me with "soft eyes," if you know what I mean. He admitted that the exchange of material things had been an excuse to break our silence. One thing that hurt was that he told me he had not been able to fall in love with me because he had been in love with her all along. After that, I did not want to talk to him again because seeing him and talking to him broke my heart so much. That was a month ago, and I ignored him several times when I ran into him. However, this past weekend... I ran into him at a party. He kept on staring at me when he thought I wasn't looking. He sat down next me and his professor (me and his professor were hanging out) and joined our conversation. When he got the chance, he inched closer to me, and it felt very physically intimate. I felt so attracted to him again, and I could tell he felt the same. He seemed so happy that I would even talk to him. That night, I realized that I had been in denial and that I am still so in love with him. I drove him home, but we spent four hours in the car and talked until three in the morning about many things. One of the things he said was "It could have been very different had I known that you were going to be working so nearby this year." Another was "So many important things happened to me last semester and I was really happy: I met you." He kept on insisting that what we had had been real, although I find it hard to believe if he went straight back to his ex who was emotionally abusive to him. The conversation was supposed to be about whether or not we should be friends. I left the conversation saying that he should send me an email about why he thinks we should be friends, and gave him a deadline. He met this deadline, but did not explain why. He said the following: Hi ____, I hope you are well. Here is my proposal. I think that we should be somewhat of friends, I mean to an extent that you are comfortable with, meaning that we could maybe hang out once in a while to talk, exchange views, and so forth. (I have heard that friends sometimes do this...) Thank you for reading. Sincerely, _________ I don't know what he wants. I know he misses me and that he really enjoyed talking to me the both times we talked because I saw it in his face. He looked so happy at the party when I was talking to him. I sent him back an email asking why he wanted to be friends, and that it would help me make my decision. I want him back, even though he is with someone else now. I am hoping that he has feelings for me. But I'm not sure how to play my cards right because I only have one chance. I will do anything to have him back. Should I tell him the truth: I would like to be friends, but I do still have feelings for you so it might be hard? My friend told me that maybe he has no idea that I still love him, and that if I tell him, he might redevelop feelings for me if he doesn't have any, and if he does, that he might reconsider getting back together. After all, I am five minutes away and she is seven hours away. I have been nothing but kind and selfless to him, and she has cheated on him. Or, do you think the best move would be to just say we can be friends, then try to slowly make a move...? Or, should I just cut off contact altogether? I'm so afraid that his answer will be, "I do not have any more feelings for you. I will always stay with my girlfriend." Please help. And why is he so insistent on being friends/staying in touch? Thank you so much. I would cut contact all together. I don't believe in the "let's stay friends". At least not right after a break up. Some people insist on being friend to relieve the guilt of ending the relationship, some want to be friends with benefit, some to just make the break up official. If you're friends, you're not a couple, simple as that. Being friends won't make him change his mind.
Author helloiloveyou Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 Another thing: They had a lot of sexual problems as well. She can't have sex because of a condition called vaginismus. He and I however had amazing sex, all the time. I was the first person he had real sex with... What I can't understand is, frankly, how can he go back to such a deprived relationship on top of the fact that she was so horrible to him?
Author helloiloveyou Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 I would cut contact all together. I don't believe in the "let's stay friends". At least not right after a break up. Some people insist on being friend to relieve the guilt of ending the relationship, some want to be friends with benefit, some to just make the break up official. If you're friends, you're not a couple, simple as that. Being friends won't make him change his mind. But what if he wants to be friends so he can get back together with me one day?
Samilia Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 But what if he wants to be friends so he can get back together with me one day? Right, and what if he walked away just so he could see how amazing you are.. Let's be honest, that's not his goal. Sex is important in a relationship, but it's not everything. By accepting his "friendship" you're going to put yourself in puppy mode, accepting to push your pride aside just so you can get crumbs of him, and he knows that. I wouldn't advise it, but it's your choice.
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