My hands are tied...

[DirtyDancing]

Yes it is, and I stand by it. You should be ashamed of yourself. More than ashamed..you should be disgusted with yourself.

 

Not that it's any excuse, but at least most of the OWs on here are in love with their MM. You don't even care about him. You're just horny. You can sleep with anyone but you're choosing to sleep with someone who is in a relationship. That's sick.

 

That's not true. Of course I care about him. I wouldn't interact with him if I didn't. I'm not in love with him but I admit to being infatuated and I do have genuine feelings.

I'm definitely not proud of my actions, I will say that.

Btw, you sound like a man (and I'm guessing that you are a man) that has a very negative view of women and one who has been jilted. And how would you know that I can sleep with anyone? You don't even know me. The way you talk reminds me of the way my jilted ex talked to me once I left him. Odd. For a stranger to call a stranger evil is beyond messed up.

Edited March 4, 2013 by DirtyDancing

[whichwayisup]

Just FYI, ThatJustHappened is a woman.

 

I never in my life thought I'd be participating in an affair.

 

You allowed it to happen. You went against what you originally said in your opening post, even a month ago you were strong in the sense of not sleeping with him and keeping the distance. You caved.

 

So, when he moves what happens? The A continues long distance? You move to him or he dumps his gf to be with you and not move? Or is it over when he moves?

 

Anyway, your life just got more complicated.

[DirtyDancing]

Just FYI, ThatJustHappened is a woman..

 

Well that's a relief. For a moment I wondered if my angry ex was patrolling online forums looking to attack me.

 

 

You allowed it to happen. You went against what you originally said in your opening post, even a month ago you were strong in the sense of not sleeping with him and keeping the distance. You caved.

 

So, when he moves what happens? The A continues long distance? You move to him or he dumps his gf to be with you and not move? Or is it over when he moves?

 

Anyway, your life just got more complicated.

 

I meant that I never would have foresaw this happening with him or with anyone for that matter. In hindsight.

 

I agree with you, I allowed it to happen and I have never denied that. I absolutely did cave! I had good intentions, but I fell. I tried, and it helped that we didn't see each other in person for periods of time, but I lost self-control when he was in sight and the opportunity to be alone arose. The attraction is very strong and very hard to deny, obviously.

 

When he moves, I assume he moves and we go on with our lives. It is what it is. Maybe we will see each other in the future, maybe not. I would hope that in another time and place we could be free to express what we would like to now. My expectations are grounded in reality though.

Edited March 4, 2013 by DirtyDancing
misquoted

[whichwayisup]

So this is more of a major sexual attraction thing than an in love kind of thing?

[DirtyDancing]

So this is more of a major sexual attraction thing than an in love kind of thing?

 

Yes, I would say a major sexual attraction is pretty damn accurate. We have known each other for years, and there are emotions there; we care about each other, and like each other as people. We have a good chemistry, obviously. I don't know.. he's said things to me that would cause me to believe that he thinks about me romantically. For example, he says things like 'I always thought you and I had so much in common..' 'I wanted to be with you when you and your ex broke up but I didn't know how to make that move', 'I know this sounds silly, but I never go on Facebook but when I do go on the first thing I do is check out what you've been up to', 'I remember the first night (almost 6 years ago) that I met you and what you were wearing and what you were doing', 'I've always wanted to tell you how I feel about you, but I never had the opportunity until now so I want to take that chance before it's gone'...

 

So to answer your question, there's no doubt that there's a major sexual attraction, but there are feelings too, of course. We wouldn't have ever continued this if it were purely sexual attraction. We would've gotten it out of our system if that were the case, I think. He is an attractive guy and very smart, so he could have his pick. If he just wanted his kicks before busting out of town, I think he'd choose someone who didn't matter to him and not someone who he's wanted and thought about for years. I've wondered if he and I both realize this may be our only chance before things really change and time and life goes on. I'm just not clear about how deep these feelings run, maybe even on my end too. It's all been very confusing and unfortunate timing.

 

I was very taken aback when over the summer he told me how he felt and even last night, he was saying how happy he was that night to find out that the feelings were mutual. I think he wondered and to have me confirm that made him feel really good. Validation is a very powerful desire...

 

To be honest, all these years I've always looked at him and noticed that I liked what I saw, but I never thought there would be a chance to act on the interest. I didn't think much of it, just that he was a good looking guy and I liked him as a person. I never knew he thought about me beyond the same way I viewed him. I always kind of picked up on his non-verbal cues; the lingering looks, and the extra attention. Apparently I was putting that vibe off too. Usually people don't make a move they've been conflicted about making unless they have a feeling the interest could be mutual.

Edited March 4, 2013 by DirtyDancing

[DirtyDancing]

Yes it is, and I stand by it. You should be ashamed of yourself. More than ashamed..you should be disgusted with yourself.

 

Not that it's any excuse, but at least most of the OWs on here are in love with their MM. You don't even care about him. You're just horny. You can sleep with anyone but you're choosing to sleep with someone who is in a relationship. That's sick.

 

This really bothers me, I'm not sure why I let it upset me so much considering it's coming from a perfect stranger who has no real clue as to who I am or the situation with this man.

To be called a slut, whore, or evil by anyone is uncalled for and very rude.

 

I've said before, I can't say that I'm in love with him, but there are clearly feelings that run beyond just a physical attraction. Isn't that the case for anyone who finds themselves involved in an affair??! It doesn't necessarily mean some romantic love story. Why am I getting singled out here? Is every person who does what I've done evil? Is a person 'evil' for sleeping with someone who happens to be taken? For me or anyone else to say I'm only doing this because I'm horny is absolutely ridiculous.

 

If I ONLY wanted sex, I would go get that elsewhere, trust me. I don't do that.

Edited March 4, 2013 by DirtyDancing

[DirtyDancing]

You are in love despite what you say.

 

I love your denial and rationalization.

 

Maybe so. I suppose I'm denying it because I know it's not going to work out in my favor. Sometimes it's easier to gloss over any feelings in an effort for self-protection.

[DirtyDancing]

Wow! You recognize your own mechanisms of defense!

 

Very nice;).

 

Be careful, this will crash at some point.

 

I notice I do this in my life with other situations. Sometimes it's easier to turn off the emotion when you're afraid you may get hurt.

 

I think it will crash when he moves. I'm fully prepared for this and know that I am going to be able to handle it. It will be hard, but I went in knowing the situation.

[whichwayisup]

Pretend his girlfriend found out and showed up at your doorstep, or called you. How would you react, what would you say to her? Would you just call it as it is, I am attracted to him and wanted him so we took advantage of this sexual attraction, I turned off my emotions and pretended you didn't exist so I could go ahead and have sex with your bf. Or, would you own your mistake, apologize to her, feel bad for helping him cheat on her? Just a different angle to look at things. Might make you realize all this is a big waste of time and it's not cool to go for someone else's guy. They obviously are serious enough to move away together. His actions though? He's scummy for doing this to her. He ain't no prize.

[DirtyDancing]

Pretend his girlfriend found out and showed up at your doorstep, or called you. How would you react, what would you say to her? Would you just call it as it is, I am attracted to him and wanted him so we took advantage of this sexual attraction, I turned off my emotions and pretended you didn't exist so I could go ahead and have sex with your bf. Or, would you own your mistake, apologize to her, feel bad for helping him cheat on her? Just a different angle to look at things. Might make you realize all this is a big waste of time and it's not cool to go for someone else's guy. They obviously are serious enough to move away together. His actions though? He's scummy for doing this to her. He ain't no prize.

 

I've definitely thought about what I would do in that situation. I'm by nature a very honest person (this situation makes me feel horrible) so I think if she did confront me I wouldn't deny it and of course I would apologize to her. I'm not exactly sure the exact words I'd use but that situation is neither here nor there. It is something to think about though. I've always thought that if god forbid that she ever confronted me, I would tell her that I'm no threat to her. By that I mean I know or strongly believe that he isn't going to leave her for me.

 

Yes, I agree his actions are low and he's not the prize I thought he really was. Unfortunately I've had to kiss a handful of frogs in my time to know the good ones from the not so good ones.

[whichwayisup]

Ouch! The part in bold is painful to read.

 

Self analysis needed for this one. Please explain.

 

Agree here. Maybe your intentions aren't to 'take him from her' but your actions certainly are threatening to her as he isn't being faithful to her, he's cheating on her with you. She more than likely would feel very threatened.

[imtooconfused]

DirtyDancing, let's, for the sake of argument, say you are yourself in a (presumed to be) monogamous committed relationship, married or otherwise. Further you come to find that your partner has not been monogamous and sees a woman once a month or so, someone you know on a personal level. You confront the woman, but she attempts to assure you that she is no threat to you or your relationship with your partner. She simply cannot stop herself from falling for your partners advances and it's nothing more than a sexual fling.

 

How do you feel? About your partner? About the other woman? About your relationship? About yourself?

 

Further, how would you feel if your partner confessed that his previous relationship broke up for the same reason?

 

This is obviously all hypothetical, but I think this is where some of the negativity is coming from on this thread... From others who may have been cheated on by their partner.

[snowflakes88]

OP, the reason I distinguish between your situation and some of the others posted here is as follows.

 

I think anytime you lower yourself to settling for someone who does not find you worth devoting themselves to completely, there is an element of low self-esteem. Something about settling for someone else's boyfriend, someone else's husband, and the scraps that come with that - low self-esteem is frequently implied, because settling for it suggests that you think you don't deserve better/can't do better. Despite the foregoing, I can see how a woman who is lacking in those areas can get caught up with a man who says and does all the right things. The ones who make statements of love and promises to leave, even though they probably never will. The ones who devote a decent amount of time communicating with and "dating" the OW to maintain the facade. I think it's very sad, but I can see how one could get caught up and find the attention flattering.

 

What I don't understand is what would be flattering about a guy who hasn't communicated with you recently (and probably wouldn't have, if you hadn't run into him), isn't even feeding you lines about leaving her and is in fact being honest about wanting to build a life with her - but f*cks you in the back of a car because it was easy/convenient. I don't see how that makes you feel good about yourself, particularly given that you have legit feelings for him (which a blind man could see). I don't mean this to be harsh, just answering your question as best I can.

[DirtyDancing]

Ouch! The part in bold is painful to read.

 

Self analysis needed for this one. Please explain.

 

The word 'threat' was probably not the best word to use. I mean that he doesn't love me, therefore it's not like he's planning on breaking up with her to be with me. That's what I meant to say.

Yes, participating in an affair is a threat, but I mean that she doesn't or shouldn't worry that I'm trying to steal him away from her. That's really not my intention at all. I'm just a weak person who has been lonely and have had a really tough time finding a man that I'm really mutually interested in and the chemistry is off the charts. That makes me very vulnerable to this situation. I don't have ulterior motives that constitute a 'threat' to break them up.

[DirtyDancing]

What I don't understand is what would be flattering about a guy who hasn't communicated with you recently (and probably wouldn't have, if you hadn't run into him), isn't even feeding you lines about leaving her and is in fact being honest about wanting to build a life with her - but f*cks you in the back of a car because it was easy/convenient. I don't see how that makes you feel good about yourself, particularly given that you have legit feelings for him (which a blind man could see). I don't mean this to be harsh, just answering your question as best I can.

 

That's not necessarily true, not to defend him but just want to clarify. He WAS communicating with me up until I told him to stop all contact and leave me alone. He has said things repeatedly about being confused, and unsure, he touched on how he didn't feel a spark with her and never has. True he is being honest about his future plans with her.

 

None of this makes me feel good about myself. I wish he would've never brought it up, then I'd never know and never wouldv'e been tempted to act on the attraction.

[DirtyDancing]

DD

 

That was a given. You have lowered your standards because you are lonely.

 

That is a very human thing to do but in the end it bites you in the rear big time. It must also be painful at some level because I know you love this guy.

 

And why do you think that this guy is attractive?

 

He is attractive because he is horny for you. And that turns you on big time. It feels great to be desired in that manner.

 

Each and every word you say here is true, Pierre.

[ThatJustHappened]

That's not true. Of course I care about him. I wouldn't interact with him if I didn't. I'm not in love with him but I admit to being infatuated and I do have genuine feelings.

I'm definitely not proud of my actions, I will say that.

Btw, you sound like a man (and I'm guessing that you are a man) that has a very negative view of women and one who has been jilted. And how would you know that I can sleep with anyone? You don't even know me. The way you talk reminds me of the way my jilted ex talked to me once I left him. Odd. For a stranger to call a stranger evil is beyond messed up.

 

I'm a woman.

 

I know you can sleep with anyone because it's a free country..and there are plenty of single men who I'm sure would be happy to oblige, and yet you choose to sleep with someone else's boyfriend even though you have no real attachment to him. What are you expecting to happen? He's already told you he will not leave his girlfriend for you and you say you don't want him to anyway. So why are you doing this? What are you hoping to gain from it? You are knowingly participating in ruining someone else's life and you don't seem to care one little bit about it. All you can think about is your vagina.

[DirtyDancing]

What is your relationship history up to now? You need to change a couple of things.

 

Ugh, not a great relationship history. I've had two long term failed relationships. The first one was very unhealthy all along and he eventually left me for someone else. The last one I slowly fell out of love with him and left him. My last relationship was a very traumatic breakup to say the least. I think that has affected my self-worth significantly. I feel sometimes that I'm not good enough and I think that's where the need for validation comes from. Since my last relationship ended almost 2 years ago, I've dated very sporadically and short-term. Have had one or two flings.

 

No doubt I need to change some things; I'm just not sure what to change.

[DirtyDancing]

I'm a woman.

 

I know you can sleep with anyone because it's a free country..and there are plenty of single men who I'm sure would be happy to oblige, and yet you choose to sleep with someone else's boyfriend even though you have no real attachment to him. What are you expecting to happen? He's already told you he will not leave his girlfriend for you and you say you don't want him to anyway. So why are you doing this? What are you hoping to gain from it? You are knowingly participating in ruining someone else's life and you don't seem to care one little bit about it. All you can think about is your vagina.

 

Ok, fair enough, I could jump into bed with the next pretty face if I wanted to. I just want more than sex, truly. I think my attachment to this guy is that I've known him and interacted with him for many years, therefore I feel a sense of trust. What am I expecting to happen? Secretly, I hope that he and I will be free to date in the future. I expect that their relationship won't sustain for much longer and that the timing will finally align. I don't expect that, but if I'm being honest with myself I have always entertained that idea.

 

What am I gaining from it? The momentary validation, affection, attention, and the feeling of being desired and beautiful to a man that I'm interested in. I guess I'm feeling so lonely that I'd take the moments rather than nothing at all.

 

Ruining someone else's life? I'm not sure that I'm knowingly participating in ruining someone else's life. I am thinking about my sexual needs, that's true, and the feelings I was describing in my first paragraph. He makes me feel really beautiful, sexy and desirable. It's hard to resist that when I feel the same about him. Succumbing to my animal instincts, yes. It's not all I can think about though. Actually that night, I told him no that I didn't want to go through with the complete act...I caved after he was still aggressive about it.. I know what I've participated in is wrong. I'm just weak.

[DirtyDancing]

Explain unhealthy (see bold)

Explain fell out of love, why?

 

Unhealthy: emotionally abusive on his end, jealousy and alcoholism also on his end. He was quite a bit older than me, which most people would call unhealthy. I was 19 when I met him and he was 32. Unhealthy for many reasons I guess... I was very naive and hadn't yet come into my identity and he was knowingly keeping me to himself when I was in a very delicate stage coming into adulthood.

 

Fell out of love with the next because it just ran it's course, he was lazy and arrogant, I lost respect for him as a partner. He was also a closet womanizer and I always had my doubts about whether or not he ever cheated on me. We didn't have the same goals in life, just too many differences; never much in common to sustain a lasting relationship. I came to a point as I grew from a girl to a woman that I wanted much more from a man than he could ever offer me.

Edited March 5, 2013 by DirtyDancing

[Cali408]

Do you want to be with him in the long term? Can it possibly work out?

 

If you answer yes. Tell him to break up with his girlfriend and be with you. If he says no, tell him to never contact you again.

 

If you answer no, enjoy the fun and protect yourself emotionally until he moves.

 

Look, you're young and single. He's not married. is it right for him to run around on his girlfriend, no, he's a cad. But, if he's running around on her now, he's not happy in his relationship. Content, sure, happy no.

 

You're not breaking up a home here. But if it can work, go for it. What do you have to lose? Some people might be mad at you? Who cares? If he says no, move on.

[DirtyDancing]

You are attracted to low quality men. Your current guy, the one that turns you on is also low quality.

 

Low quality men are attractive to you because they give those vibes that say I would love to have sex with you and that turns you on. And then you find out that they also give those vibes to other women. You also find out that the charm they used to hook you was a scheme and not the real deal.

 

OTOH, the quality men bore you to death.

 

What is a nice women like you to do?

 

I HAVE been attracted to low-quality men. The alpha males, the cads, the charmers who exude sexuality and who are aggressive about getting what they want. The amazing lovers, the passionate ones. Absolutely. It's pure validation. The ones that are forward and aggressive (like this guy) turn me on to the max and reduces me to a woman under the spell of sex.

 

Not all the quality men bore me to death. I've met a handful of true gentlemen in my day and I see their worth now that I've had enough of the negative experiences to compare it to. There's a man or two in particular that has set the standard for me whom I consider to be 'quality' and I'm certainly not or haven't been 'bored' with them.

 

I guess that what I've normally been attracted to is not the best way to continue down this path of losers. Not sure how to change what has been a natural feeling though.

Edited March 5, 2013 by DirtyDancing

[DirtyDancing]

It is wonderful to recognize the issue of low self esteem. BTW, all of us have some issue of self esteem including those so called Alfa men that seem to be confident. In the end they have the same affliction you have. They also crave validation and they get turned on by women that respond to their moves. Confident women pay no attention to these guys.

 

So what we have here is men that want to be validated with romantic conquests and women that feel validated by men seeking a romantic conquest. In the end these two types attract each other big time.

 

Ideally you would seek a guy that is not much of a player. However, it is likely you will ignore these men. The funny thing is that quite often these guys can be better in the sac for the long term that someone that is only good short term.

 

Have you noted how all philanderers never get sex from the wife? We have to assume they do not turn on the wife anymore. So these guys are only good short term. Once you get to know them you find out how insecure they are and they cannot fool you anymore. So they move on to the next one.

 

Very insightful. I can see why I keep attracting the wrong men, if both sides are sucked in to the validation! I can recognize my own weaknesses in this situation, and I can see that this guy is also insecure in many ways. He was always and still is kind of nerdy and bookish, never really considered a ladies' man I guess, but as he gets older I think he uses his looks and brains to seek out that female attention that he wants; in this case, with me. I know I'm a very attractive woman, men say that I'm a "9 or 10" and I think that I'm not what he would consider 'in his league' so the attention from me is probably really stimulating to him and a major ego boost.

 

I felt the same way when I met someone who I considered to be 'out of my league'. I was so flattered and excited that someone I never thought I'd have a chance with would give me a second look. So my point is that many people want that validation and are drawn to the others who are as well.

Edited March 5, 2013 by DirtyDancing

[ThatJustHappened]

Ok, fair enough, I could jump into bed with the next pretty face if I wanted to. I just want more than sex, truly. I think my attachment to this guy is that I've known him and interacted with him for many years, therefore I feel a sense of trust. What am I expecting to happen? Secretly, I hope that he and I will be free to date in the future. I expect that their relationship won't sustain for much longer and that the timing will finally align. I don't expect that, but if I'm being honest with myself I have always entertained that idea.

 

What am I gaining from it? The momentary validation, affection, attention, and the feeling of being desired and beautiful to a man that I'm interested in. I guess I'm feeling so lonely that I'd take the moments rather than nothing at all.

 

Ruining someone else's life? I'm not sure that I'm knowingly participating in ruining someone else's life. I am thinking about my sexual needs, that's true, and the feelings I was describing in my first paragraph. He makes me feel really beautiful, sexy and desirable. It's hard to resist that when I feel the same about him. Succumbing to my animal instincts, yes. It's not all I can think about though. Actually that night, I told him no that I didn't want to go through with the complete act...I caved after he was still aggressive about it.. I know what I've participated in is wrong. I'm just weak.

 

So you don't think that his girlfriend would be devastated if she found out that her boyfriend was sleeping with you? You don't think that would ruin her life?

 

I'm sure you're a pretty girl..why can't you get attention elsewhere? Why does it have to be this man?

[DirtyDancing]

I wish I knew how to cure low self esteem. Sometimes a woman lawyer or physician can have lower self esteem than the maid that cleans the rooms at the local hotel. How do you explain that?.

That's funny you say that, I'm in the legal field with a great job and education, I participated in beauty pageants when I was younger, was a star student and teachers' pet, and the apple of my parents' eye. I started rebelling in my teens and went off on the wrong path for awhile but came back around in my early twenties. I think my self-esteem issues come from previous emotional abuse/control in my long-term relationships. This is why sometimes I don't feel good enough, although I know I am. These previous two boyfriends and those situations really beat me down and made me feel like nothing. It's been a battle I have had with myself. Knowing I deserve more is one thing, and that I can absolutely get it ONLY if I change my behaviors, but sometimes it's easier to settle for less because it's the easy way out and requires less self-control and patience. The sad thing is it's also familiar and less scary.

 

 

IMHO, one thing that tends to improve self esteem is to always to the right thing. In the long run that generates self respect. I find that some women with low self esteem do not respect themselves, they have given up after many failures. And slowly but surely they lose respect for themselves.

 

 

What you say about failure is the key here. That is my biggest fear and something that is constantly nagging at me. I'm a perfectionist in my life and one of my biggest sources of regret is that I've failed in my relationships. Each and every one I've had, short or long-term has failed in the end. Since my last break-up, I have told myself over and over to never give up, to keep my eye on the prize. Yet, it's so hard to have patience and keep the faith. That is why I fall for the scumbag, because that's me feeling like 'giving up'. I guess I figure that I'm tired of waiting, it's not out there, I've always failed, so what the hell, I'll take less than I want and deserve. It's me acting out and throwing a pity party.

Edited March 6, 2013 by DirtyDancing