My hands are tied...

January 27, 2013

I do take responsibility for my actions.

My fighting off with a stick has been in the past few months being cold towards him when he comes on to me. At one point last night I did tell him straight, to stop it. I vaguely remember giving him a slap in the face too. All that seems to do is fuel his fire (and mine). Last night was the exception and I dropped the stick and instead threw him a rope.

I am a sucker for this secretive and urgent kind of sexual interaction... I've been alone for so long and his aggressiveness really turned me on. I'm the kind of girl who likes to get pressed up against the wall or thrown on the bed and be taken. He got me. It's been very hard for me to NOT reciprocate when the attraction is so mutual.

I told my friend that he and I were inside together, that's where we were for so long, and that he has been coming on strong to me lately, but that I allowed the flirtation to happen last night. That's all I said, and that was the truth. I knew she knew something was going on.. she even said so. She wondered where we were for so long, and noticed that we came back at the same time.

Edited January 27, 2013 by DirtyDancing

January 27, 2013

I do take responsibility for my actions.

My fighting off with a stick has been in the past few months being cold towards him when he comes on to me. At one point last night I did tell him straight, to stop it. I vaguely remember giving him a slap in the face too. All that seems to do is fuel his fire (and mine). Last night was the exception and I dropped the stick and instead threw him a rope.

I am a sucker for this secretive and urgent kind of sexual interaction... I've been alone for so long and his aggressiveness really turned me on. I'm the kind of girl who likes to get pressed up against the wall or thrown on the bed and be taken. He got me. It's been very hard for me to NOT reciprocate when the attraction is so mutual.

Ahh, but see, he was picking up on that and knew if pushed hard enough he would get you. My only response to the type of sex that turns you on is to find a single guy who enjoys role playing sexual games with you. They are out there; all you have to do is find one .. lol.

I told my friend that he and I were inside together, that's where we were for so long, and that he has been coming on strong to me lately, but that I allowed the flirtation to happen last night. That's all I said, and that was the truth. I knew she knew something was going on.. she even said so. She wondered where we were for so long, and noticed that we came back at the same time.

Answer in bold.

January 27, 2013

Answer in bold.

Yes, I'm sure he was picking up on that. The first time he tried something with me about 6 months ago, I slapped him in the face, which prompted him to pin me down on the couch and grab me. He knows I'm a little kinky I guess...and he likes that too

I'm not gonna lie, our interaction has been really hot. And yes, of course, I need to find a single guy for these sexual role-playing kicks. Not easy to find, actually. The chemistry's gotta be through the roof, and with this taken partner, we have that nailed. UGHHHH!!!

January 28, 2013

If you wanted to say no, you'd have said no. That's all there is to it. You can blame chemistry and him coming onto you as much as you want, but you said yes. You called him and asked him to come back.

January 28, 2013

If you wanted to say no, you'd have said no. That's all there is to it. You can blame chemistry and him coming onto you as much as you want, but you said yes. You called him and asked him to come back.

yes, I agree.

January 28, 2013

yes, I agree.

And your lack of emotion about this doesn't worry you at all?

January 28, 2013

And your lack of emotion about this doesn't worry you at all?

Lack of emotion?!! It's been eating me up all day ...well, for 6 months.

Edited January 28, 2013 by DirtyDancing

January 28, 2013

Lack of emotion?!! It's been eating me up all day ...well, for 6 months.

Uh..no. If it had been eating you up for 6 months, you'd have stopped hanging out with him or told his girlfriend. You were enjoying and courting his attention. At least admit that.

January 28, 2013

No one can go back in time and undo something they regret, to state the obvious. I don't see how you can both remain as friends now that the line has been crossed, which would worry me more as I value friendship. That other people saw the photo booth show will come out, it will be talked about and your friend will get to hear about it - unfortunately it's human nature to share gossip and I would be concerend that the Chinese Whispers thing has it being retold as something far more than people actually saw. If it were me, I would tell my friend and her H what had happened, just so that she doesn't hear one thing from you and something else from the gossip grapevine.

As for the male friend, I can understand how repressed sexual tension can see us (general) making decisions we regret, or maybe wouldn't have had happen the way they did. But, it has and now I wonder if you are hoping he leaves his grilfriend and you and he begin a relationship. Maybe I have read wrong. if this is what you both want then he has to tell her now, to do anything else and for you both to have continued contact sounds like a recipe for disaster and hurt for at least one of you.

I would chalk it up to experience and try to not cross friendship boundaries again. If he and you are thinking you should both be together in the long term, he has some talking to do with his SO. If not, then I would tell him NC, ever.

January 28, 2013

Uh..no. If it had been eating you up for 6 months, you'd have stopped hanging out with him or told his girlfriend. You were enjoying and courting his attention. At least admit that.

I do admit that I was enjoying his attention, sure. But I'd be cold and heartless if this situation hasn't been tearing me apart on the inside. Why on earth would I tell his girlfriend???!! It's not my relationship problem to deal with. And I don't SEEK OUT hanging out with him; that's ridiculous. Sometimes it has happened because we have a circle of mutual friends.

And btw, ThatJustHappened, I didn't post this thread to be judged or told how I am feeling.

January 28, 2013

No one can go back in time and undo something they regret, to state the obvious. I don't see how you can both remain as friends now that the line has been crossed, which would worry me more as I value friendship. That other people saw the photo booth show will come out, it will be talked about and your friend will get to hear about it - unfortunately it's human nature to share gossip and I would be concerend that the Chinese Whispers thing has it being retold as something far more than people actually saw. If it were me, I would tell my friend and her H what had happened, just so that she doesn't hear one thing from you and something else from the gossip grapevine.

As for the male friend, I can understand how repressed sexual tension can see us (general) making decisions we regret, or maybe wouldn't have had happen the way they did. But, it has and now I wonder if you are hoping he leaves his grilfriend and you and he begin a relationship. Maybe I have read wrong. if this is what you both want then he has to tell her now, to do anything else and for you both to have continued contact sounds like a recipe for disaster and hurt for at least one of you.

I would chalk it up to experience and try to not cross friendship boundaries again. If he and you are thinking you should both be together in the long term, he has some talking to do with his SO. If not, then I would tell him NC, ever.

Thank you;

I'm nearly 100% certain that none of our friends saw the photo booth situation. If my girlfriend does ask, I'd tell her that we did kiss.

And I don't really think or even intend that he and I will start up any relationship in the future. I'm not sure. For now, of course we will keep the friendship boundaries intact. I'm never going to allow a situation like that to happen again while he is still with her. Hopefully, they will be moving out of state soon. I was planning on contacting him today just asking to talk, and I'm going to tell him that this isn't fair to anyone, and that he needs to either keep it completely friendly with me and never cross any boundaries again, or do something about his situation because someone is going to get really hurt and this is dangerous territory. Thoughts about having a talk with him? I feell it's the right thing to do, even though I'd rather pretend all of this didn't exist.

January 28, 2013

That is very erotic! Deciding to be celibate while being friends and having enormous sexual attraction for each other.:laugh:

Yeah, right.:cool:

I know it's hard, but it can be done! Hopefully we won't see each other much.

January 28, 2013

Why depend on hope. You either see him or you don't. The ownership is on you.

To some extent; as I said we have a circle of mutual friends and the times I have seen him lately have been through that group and mostly unexpectedly. So, I can only do so much to avoid him.

January 28, 2013

Denying the sex is hot! Then when you finally give in---and you will it will be much more intense. The anticipation will make it very erotic! QUOTE]

OF COURSE! You want what you can't have! I've been in a situation before that was forbidden and we had to deny it. It's pure torment. Here, that's what was building up and exploded the other night.

On another note, I just sent him a message asking if we could talk today. I haven't heard back and it's making me nervous...

January 29, 2013

I do admit that I was enjoying his attention, sure. But I'd be cold and heartless if this situation hasn't been tearing me apart on the inside. Why on earth would I tell his girlfriend???!! It's not my relationship problem to deal with. And I don't SEEK OUT hanging out with him; that's ridiculous. Sometimes it has happened because we have a circle of mutual friends.

And btw, ThatJustHappened, I didn't post this thread to be judged or told how I am feeling.

If you had told his girlfriend that he was hitting on you when it first happened, she might have realized what a scumbag he really is and dumped him. She has a right to know. Then he would have been free to sleep with you without being a cheater. She still has a right to know now that the inevitable has happened. The thing is, you could have nipped this in the bud 6 months ago when he started hitting on you. You didn't. You are just as guilty as he is.

You could choose not to hang out with that particular circle of friends when you know he will be there. You choose to see him.

I'm assuming you posted this thread to garner outside and objective perspective on your situation..which is exactly what I'm giving you.

January 29, 2013

I am reminded of a recovered alcoholic that wants to spend the weekends hanging out in the local bar where everybody is getting drunk. But, he is a different recovered alcoholic and he can be around the booze and not drink.

I see DirtyDancing as the "recovered alcoholic" who believes she can remain being friends with the guy while having passionate desires for him. That was destined not to end well. I'm not judging, just identifying one of the symptoms. And it's likely to recur (again, not judging).

January 29, 2013

I know that he wants to have sex with me. I also know that he's not 'The One' or that this is some love story. It's just based in lust. I'm not giving in to him... what do I say to make him stop, when I want what he wants?!!

What do you say?

"Don't contact me ever again!"

That's what you say.

IF he intended to BE with you - he wouldn't be planning his future (and moving) with HER!

He's just getting his kicks before he disappears. You're his ego feed.

January 29, 2013

What do you say?

"Don't contact me ever again!"

That's what you say.

IF he intended to BE with you - he wouldn't be planning his future (and moving) with HER!

He's just getting his kicks before he disappears. You're his ego feed.

We did talk, I'm feeling so awful right now. I told him as long as he is with her, to not contact me, to not come on to me in any of the ways that he has been if we do happen to see each other, and that I will be avoiding those situations until he moves out of state. It's true... as long as he is with her, I can't. Clearly if he was free of his relationship, we would carry this on for some time. I told him I didn't want to have this conversation, but it has become dangerous, people will talk, and someone will get hurt if this continues. He apologized, and we both agreed that we let it get way out of control.... but it was so hard to control.

He said he is overwhelmed and uncertain about making the leap by moving out of state with her. I know that he is, I believe him truly. Clearly his relationship is dead.. and I think I'm the only one who knows that. I don't think he knows yet, but I've been through trying to get out of a dead relationship before, and it takes time for it to really sink in that it's over and time to go.

I'm grappling with this displaced guilt when I'm not the one who cheated or is in a relationship. I'm mostly concerned about what the friends picked up on, might have seen, or will think of me now. I don't care about her or their failing relationship... in this situation, I care more about myself. I have to... that's all I've got.

Edited January 29, 2013 by DirtyDancing

January 29, 2013

If you had told his girlfriend that he was hitting on you when it first happened, she might have realized what a scumbag he really is and dumped him. She has a right to know. Then he would have been free to sleep with you without being a cheater. She still has a right to know now that the inevitable has happened. The thing is, you could have nipped this in the bud 6 months ago when he started hitting on you. You didn't. You are just as guilty as he is.

You could choose not to hang out with that particular circle of friends when you know he will be there. You choose to see him..

Why is it on ME to tell this woman, who is an acquaintance, a distant friend... certainly she has a right to know, but I'm not taking the blame for not telling her!! What person in their right mind on here would do that? And be the one to break them up, huh? She'll most likely leave him eventually.. all of this stuff always reveals itself in different forms anyway. NOT my responsibility, not taking the blame for not telling her.. that's absolutely ridiculous. Their relationship is not my business. If she were a close girlfriend of mine, I'd STILL be hesitant to say something!! That's a dilemma for any one to be in.

And what has happened is that I will be out with these friends and he shows up, or I don't know that he is there and I show up. There's been 2 exceptions to that in the past 6 months since this all started, and it was for large parties. What am I supposed to do, see him walk in and ditch an entire group of friends that I am with? Wouldn't that be blatantly obvious and that's certainly not realistic. I've just been priming myself in those situations to put up the front, like he has tried to do... but in the end that front fell down hard.

Anyway, I do take responsibility for allowing the behavior to continue the other night. I take responsibility for being physical with him. But the guilt is not mine to bear. I'm not the cheater.

January 29, 2013

Why is it on ME to tell this woman, who is an acquaintance, a distant friend... certainly she has a right to know, but I'm not taking the blame for not telling her!! What person in their right mind on here would do that? And be the one to break them up, huh? She'll most likely leave him eventually.. all of this stuff always reveals itself in different forms anyway. NOT my responsibility, not taking the blame for not telling her.. that's absolutely ridiculous. Their relationship is not my business. If she were a close girlfriend of mine, I'd STILL be hesitant to say something!! That's a dilemma for any one to be in.

And what has happened is that I will be out with these friends and he shows up, or I don't know that he is there and I show up. There's been 2 exceptions to that in the past 6 months since this all started, and it was for large parties. What am I supposed to do, see him walk in and ditch an entire group of friends that I am with? Wouldn't that be blatantly obvious and that's certainly not realistic. I've just been priming myself in those situations to put up the front, like he has tried to do... but in the end that front fell down hard.

Anyway, I do take responsibility for allowing the behavior to continue the other night. I take responsibility for being physical with him. But the guilt is not mine to bear. I'm not the cheater.

It became your responsibility when you opened your legs to her boyfriend. Actually..it became your responsibility when you allowed his behavior to continue after the first time it happened. You aided and abetted a cheater. You are just as guilty as he is.

January 29, 2013

It became your responsibility when you opened your legs to her boyfriend. Actually..it became your responsibility when you allowed his behavior to continue after the first time it happened. You aided and abetted a cheater. You are just as guilty as he is.

Opened my legs to her boyfriend. Wow. If it makes me less of a good person to not tell her that he has been coming on to me for months, and we became physical, I don't know. I personally believe that is not my responsibility at all. If I did tell her, I'd be the one responsible (or she and others would think I was responsible) for their break up when that is just not the case. I didn't ALLOW his behavior to continue after the first time with the exception of the other night, but I still don't see that I am responsible for telling her. If I did, I think all hell would break loose. Why interfere with their life and their relationship???? His and my interaction has NOTHING to do with their relationship; SHE isn't a factor in it, just like I am not a factor between them, if that makes sense.

And I'm guilty of aiding and abetting, huh? Didn't know that was a crime outside of the legal world. What is this, Criminal Procedure?? Already went to law school and aiding and abetting a cheater doesn't incur culpability in the real world. This is what I was talking about not coming on here to receive judgment.

January 29, 2013

You have decided that his relationship is dead and you're the only one who knows it huh? Spoken just like someone who wants to justify an affair. His relationship is none of your business or concern. You don't have the first clue as to what goes on in the privacy of their relationship. Just cause he's whining to you, which you shouldn't even be listening to by the way, doesn't tell you anything about the state of his relationship other than the fact that he is a cheating disloyal horndog. Sounds like you want to help this po po man see that his relationship is dead. If you're going to involve yourself in his relationship then be a woman about it and tell his girlfriend, don't just slink around in the shadows, hoping that she figures it out somehow.

Well, I say that because in my personal experience, anyone who cheats is in a dead relationship. That's what I believe. Once you start thinking about someone else, it's over. Of course it's true that I don't know what goes on in the privacy of their relationship; I'm just speaking from experience and wisdom when it comes to these things.

I don't talk to him about his relationship, nor do I want to get involved with it. Therefore, as I said before, I don't see how telling his girlfriend is my burden. Sure, I wish I had the balls to do it; I agree it is the best and most honorable thing to do, but I don't want to be thought of as the cause or reason for their problems, because that isn't true!

How would I even go about that... pull her aside and tell her what's been going on? Then she'd hate me, come after me, it would cause her to end the relationship, friends would be lost...

Isn't it better for everyone to just put this in the past and wish the best for both of them with their move?

January 29, 2013

Opened my legs to her boyfriend. Wow. If it makes me less of a good person to not tell her that he has been coming on to me for months, and we became physical, I don't know. I personally believe that is not my responsibility at all. If I did tell her, I'd be the one responsible (or she and others would think I was responsible) for their break up when that is just not the case. I didn't ALLOW his behavior to continue after the first time with the exception of the other night, but I still don't see that I am responsible for telling her. If I did, I think all hell would break loose. Why interfere with their life and their relationship???? His and my interaction has NOTHING to do with their relationship; SHE isn't a factor in it, just like I am not a factor between them, if that makes sense.

And I'm guilty of aiding and abetting, huh? Didn't know that was a crime outside of the legal world. What is this, Criminal Procedure?? Already went to law school and aiding and abetting a cheater doesn't incur culpability in the real world. This is what I was talking about not coming on here to receive judgment.

So continuously courting, flirting with, and sleeping with someone else's boyfriend wasn't interfering with their relationship?

I don't know you, so I don't know if you're a bad person, but I do know that you did a very bad thing and you're justifying it to yourself and convincing yourself that you didn't do anything wrong instead of owning up to it like a big girl would.

If I had been in your situation, and someone's boyfriend was hitting on me, I'd have gone straight to her and said 'hey, your boyfriend's a douchebag, just a heads up'. That's what a decent person does.

January 29, 2013

I'll bet the farm he's already planned out how he's going to propose to her.

I'd be VERY surprised if that ever happened. I've known him for years and I don't see them together in the long run. I really don't. It's hard for other people who don't know the situation to make predictions like that. Just telling it like I see it.

January 29, 2013

So continuously courting, flirting with, and sleeping with someone else's boyfriend wasn't interfering with their relationship?

I don't know you, so I don't know if you're a bad person, but I do know that you did a very bad thing and you're justifying it to yourself and convincing yourself that you didn't do anything wrong instead of owning up to it like a big girl would.

If I had been in your situation, and someone's boyfriend was hitting on me, I'd have gone straight to her and said 'hey, your boyfriend's a douchebag, just a heads up'. That's what a decent person does.

1) It takes two to tango, and no, I don't consider that behavior interfering with THEIR relationship. I'm not making the connection between what he and I feel or what has happened between us to anything to do with their personal relationship.

2) No, of course I'm not a bad person. And if I wasn't owning up to it, I wouldn't be feeling so bad.

3) That's a good point; I guess that I didn't want to rock the boat and after he and I talked the last time, I assumed that it would never come up again. Truly. I'd consider talking with her, but I just feel that it isn't my place!!!!

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