bigalagain Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Hello all. I just stumbled on this forum in the last two days and it has already helped a lot. I have been in a affair with a MW for about 4 years. I'm single (divorced), and we work together. Our affair started out physical after a growing friendship. It stayed physical for about a year and a half until the guilt got the best of me and I backed off. She freaked and went through withdrawal, but we stayed co-workers and eventually began an emotional affair again. No physical stuff since (although lots of talking about it and lots of offers from her that I turn down). We cycled through talking quite a bit outside of work and not doing so over the last couple of years. A week before Thanksgiving we were in an up phase and talked in the evening before the holiday (she called me). That Sunday she FB blocked me and ignored me all the following week at work (when she was there, which wasn't much). The next week I finally got a chance to ask and she said she told the H everything, every detail and promised him never to talk to me again and that he asks every day. She was going to save her family and she was quitting her job. She resigned at the end of the week, not effective until end of January. She has hardly been to work since, most of the time she is going somewhere with the BS. She tells other co-workers that it was a religious transformation (she wasn't religious before), and that her marriage is now wonderful, just like when they were first married. After a couple of weeks of hell, I am starting to pull myself together and understand she is not any good for me. I haven't really done any contacting. Sent a couple of work e-mails (no response) last week when she was gone. Haven't text'd, e-mailed (on personal account) or called. For all I know I am blocked anyway. The day after she gave me the news, she talked to me for about an hour or so but we did not discuss the elephant in the room at all, just pretended we were talking like we always do. Haven't seen her since. BS has been to work more than once since, doubtless keeping a close eye on her. She has not been to work for over week, always some excuse. Anyway, today I am strong and hoping to stay that way. Holidays are going to kind of suck, and in a way I feel like I have this ticking clock before she is gone from work completely and the last contact is severed, but the last couple of days I am not interested in talking to her, seeing her, etc. I'm not interested in hearing how wonderful she is feeling. I thought she was at work today, but I didn't go looking or pay any attention. Found out she wasn't even there. Tomorrow I may have to go through the whole dance again.
promises Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Welcome.. She's not feeling wonderful. She's desperate. I'm sorry that you are hurting. This is the first year I can't wait for Jan. 2nd to arrive, many can understand that. It's the abrupt ending and abandoned feeling that feels so unjust. Thanks for sharing your story.
Pierre Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Hello all. I just stumbled on this forum in the last two days and it has already helped a lot. I have been in a affair with a MW for about 4 years. I'm single (divorced), and we work together. Our affair started out physical after a growing friendship. It stayed physical for about a year and a half until the guilt got the best of me and I backed off. She freaked and went through withdrawal, but we stayed co-workers and eventually began an emotional affair again. No physical stuff since (although lots of talking about it and lots of offers from her that I turn down). We cycled through talking quite a bit outside of work and not doing so over the last couple of years. A week before Thanksgiving we were in an up phase and talked in the evening before the holiday (she called me). That Sunday she FB blocked me and ignored me all the following week at work (when she was there, which wasn't much). The next week I finally got a chance to ask and she said she told the H everything, every detail and promised him never to talk to me again and that he asks every day. She was going to save her family and she was quitting her job. She resigned at the end of the week, not effective until end of January. She has hardly been to work since, most of the time she is going somewhere with the BS. She tells other co-workers that it was a religious transformation (she wasn't religious before), and that her marriage is now wonderful, just like when they were first married. After a couple of weeks of hell, I am starting to pull myself together and understand she is not any good for me. I haven't really done any contacting. Sent a couple of work e-mails (no response) last week when she was gone. Haven't text'd, e-mailed (on personal account) or called. For all I know I am blocked anyway. The day after she gave me the news, she talked to me for about an hour or so but we did not discuss the elephant in the room at all, just pretended we were talking like we always do. Haven't seen her since. BS has been to work more than once since, doubtless keeping a close eye on her. She has not been to work for over week, always some excuse. Anyway, today I am strong and hoping to stay that way. Holidays are going to kind of suck, and in a way I feel like I have this ticking clock before she is gone from work completely and the last contact is severed, but the last couple of days I am not interested in talking to her, seeing her, etc. I'm not interested in hearing how wonderful she is feeling. I thought she was at work today, but I didn't go looking or pay any attention. Found out she wasn't even there. Tomorrow I may have to go through the whole dance again. Some of these MOWs are identical to philandering MOMs. Look at it this way. She has done you a huge favor by leaving you. Be strong and commit to 100% NC once she is gone.
Author bigalagain Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 Thanks for the comments. I agree that ultimately it's what is right, but you'll understand if I don't embrace it as a favor wholeheartedly at this moment. I know she is not wonderful, but it is what she had to do. Riding the fence with us was destroying three people. She had to pick a side, and she picked the obvious one. Most of the time I have been hoping it works out for her and they live happily ever after. Don't know if it will or not, and not being able to to help is a bit frustrating to me. At one point in the past, I tried hard to get her to fix things with him and leave me out of it, but she didn't want to hear it then. Of course, I will always want to know lots of thing I won't. What really went down? Did she ever give a crap? Etc. But I have found you don't get those answers when any relationship ends (or at least I never have). I find it hard to believe she'll be doing any reaching out to me any time soon, but if she does, I have my answer ready - let me know when you get divorced and maybe we can talk.
Pierre Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Thanks for the comments. I agree that ultimately it's what is right, but you'll understand if I don't embrace it as a favor wholeheartedly at this moment. In five years you will see her move as a huge favor to you. Right now you are addicted to her and the only cure is NC. She had to pick a side, and she picked the obvious one. Most of the time I have been hoping it works out for her and they live happily ever after. Don't know if it will or not, and not being able to to help is a bit frustrating to me. At one point in the past, I tried hard to get her to fix things with him and leave me out of it, but she didn't want to hear it then. She never picked sides. She probably lived in two different compartments. The bit about trying to help the marital relationship of the MOW or MOM as you have sex with them (or any other kind of romance) is a bit of hypocrisy. If you truly wanted to help you leave her alone. In any event that is par for the course and makes the single OM or OW feel more dignified. Of course, I will always want to know lots of thing I won't. What really went down? Did she ever give a crap? Etc. But I have found you don't get those answers when any relationship ends (or at least I never have). I find it hard to believe she'll be doing any reaching out to me any time soon, but if she does, I have my answer ready - let me know when you get divorced and maybe we can talk. Within the affair compartment she was (is) deeply in love with you. But, this love only works within the context of the affair. This is called cake eaters love. They love you as the OM and they also love the husband and family. In the end they pick the family and husband because it was cake eater's love. She will call again. Most addicts tend to relapse. You have no choice but to go 100% NC. Every time you break NC you are back in square one.
Author bigalagain Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 Anyway, as far as I know she is here today. I'm staying away. If that's what she wants, that's what she gets. I am pretty strong, but I do feel a slight dread that she'll each out in some way.
Author bigalagain Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 Crap this is getting harder. She keeps making these grand public declarations about how happy she is and how great life is going to be. It's a work context that I can't avoid and she knows good and well I get them although she could easily leave me off the list. Copies BS on all of them although he has nothing to do with work. I'm sure it's something between them and she probably can't leave me out of it because he would notice.
Author bigalagain Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 Also she is not addicted to our A or to me. I grant she might be addicted to affection but she is getting plenty of that right now (possibly attention instead of affection). She has convinced herself the world has transformed and that her life will be all sunshine and roses now that she doesn't have to work and can stay home with him 24/7 since he works from home. Maybe she's right although it seems to me they have a lot of work ahead of them. Meanwhile I am just a reminder of the terrible thing she did. Under those circumstances there seems to be little room for worrying about her reaching out. If things get hard at home, she might but she's done a good job of burning the possible avenues of contact so I doubt it. Ok vent done. Back to focusing on reality
OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 That would drive me nuts, too -- at least you won't have to deal with it much longer. Hang in there and stay strong.
Pierre Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Also she is not addicted to our A or to me. I grant she might be addicted to affection but she is getting plenty of that right now (possibly attention instead of affection). She has convinced herself the world has transformed and that her life will be all sunshine and roses now that she doesn't have to work and can stay home with him 24/7 since he works from home. Maybe she's right although it seems to me they have a lot of work ahead of them. Meanwhile I am just a reminder of the terrible thing she did. Under those circumstances there seems to be little room for worrying about her reaching out. If things get hard at home, she might but she's done a good job of burning the possible avenues of contact so I doubt it. Ok vent done. Back to focusing on reality Sounds like they are in the middle of hysterical bonding. Interestingly hysterical bonding is not a predictor of a successful reconciliation.
Cali408 Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Your lucky the BS didn't break your jaw when he came to the office. That being said, they probably agreed to keep all communication open. You're single and divorced, get out there and upgrade to someone who thinks you're so amazing, you're the only one for them.
Author bigalagain Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 I think the HB is pretty clear. It is what it is and it makes it easier for me to disconnect. But I would appreciate being left out of it.
Author bigalagain Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 Also I broke NC and added my own congrats to everyone else's.
Author bigalagain Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 Here we go, another day. Today I want to see her and speak to her. I don't know that I will, but the feeling is pretty strong. Maybe I should wait for the next round of proclamations about the bliss she is in. That should be enough to keep me away. Probably why they keep coming.
Author bigalagain Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 Well I accidentally ran into her and we had a banal conversation. Co-workers appeared and I got snippets of what she has been up to. He is buying her everything but the kitchen sink. Money and her spending was one of their major problems so it looks like he is giving her everything she wants. Evil me thinks they have fixed nothing and are not putting any real work in.
Pierre Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Well I accidentally ran into her and we had a banal conversation. Co-workers appeared and I got snippets of what she has been up to. He is buying her everything but the kitchen sink. Money and her spending was one of their major problems so it looks like he is giving her everything she wants. Evil me thinks they have fixed nothing and are not putting any real work in. You will never know the true ins and outs of their marriage. You need to let this go. BTW, at the onset it was your mission to fix her marriage. So there you go! It is quite possible there was nothing wrong with their marriage and she is simply a cheater. People assume that those that cheat must be in the marriage from hell. Understand that some men and women are deceitful and narcissistic.
Author bigalagain Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 All true and I understand that's true of some. I realize that a relationship with her is fraught with dangers and that in all likelihood she's not ever leaving her marriage. I am not looking to go back to an A and in my mind we haven't had much of an A for a very long time anyway. We have been more like friends with the undercurrent of an A between us. She has solved her misery and I was a part of it since it was keeping her from truly committing to her marriage because there was always an out nearby. I have deluded myself too and had actually started down the road of not playing second fiddle about the time she fessed up. Maybe she sensed it. Anyway, I'm not looking for an A with her. She is doing what she wants to get what she wants. Hope that works out for her. I am looking ahead to a real Relationship some day with someone actually available. But I am only human and it helps me to fit things into something I can accept, true or not. P
Author bigalagain Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 I am going to go out on a limb and suggest that the NC idea is grounded in some assumptions that may or may not apply to me. The biggest is that contact leads to hope and renewed affair activities which are ultimately destructive. What OW or OM needs is to walk away from the A and ween themselves from the addiction, heal and move one. Every time the MM MW reaches out, the downward spiral starts all over. Fair Enough. But this, I think, presumes something about contact. It presumes the MM or MW will reach out at some point regardless of how much they are working on things because (a)they are addicted and (b) things at home will hit a rocky spot somewhere some time. I got no beef with the idea that contact needs to be avoided under those conditions since the A is not what anyone should be doing. I even understand the idea of blocking etc to prevent it from happening. But I don't see it happening in my case. If it did, I'd prefer to say what I have never said and should have said long ago - me or him, make your choice.
jwi71 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I am going to go out on a limb and suggest that the NC idea is grounded in some assumptions that may or may not apply to me. The biggest is that contact leads to hope and renewed affair activities which are ultimately destructive. What OW or OM needs is to walk away from the A and ween themselves from the addiction, heal and move one. Every time the MM MW reaches out, the downward spiral starts all over. Fair Enough. But this, I think, presumes something about contact. It presumes the MM or MW will reach out at some point regardless of how much they are working on things because (a)they are addicted and (b) things at home will hit a rocky spot somewhere some time. I got no beef with the idea that contact needs to be avoided under those conditions since the A is not what anyone should be doing. I even understand the idea of blocking etc to prevent it from happening. But I don't see it happening in my case. If it did, I'd prefer to say what I have never said and should have said long ago - me or him, make your choice. Whe true that the oft suggested NC is born of assumption - one needs be mindful that the assumption is based in long, hard, painful experience. I would encourage you to read the tone and emotion you yourself post with in this very thread - that "want" to see/speak to her. The excuses to continue, however distanced or platonic, is good for you. Typically, it isn't. Playing the averages, stay away and hope for Jan 2. It'll be hard at first. Coming to work and she's not there. You'll tell yourself "it's nothing" all the while everything at work "feels" different. That something is missing. Gone. Only then does one begin to face the true addiction we have created. It'll be clear then. Actually, it will be some months later but staying NC, in your case, as presented, is best for YOU. Good luck and congratulations on getting your life back.
Pierre Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Whe true that the oft suggested NC is born of assumption - one needs be mindful that the assumption is based in long, hard, painful experience. I would encourage you to read the tone and emotion you yourself post with in this very thread - that "want" to see/speak to her. The excuses to continue, however distanced or platonic, is good for you. Typically, it isn't. Playing the averages, stay away and hope for Jan 2. It'll be hard at first. Coming to work and she's not there. You'll tell yourself "it's nothing" all the while everything at work "feels" different. That something is missing. Gone. Only then does one begin to face the true addiction we have created. It'll be clear then. Actually, it will be some months later but staying NC, in your case, as presented, is best for YOU. Good luck and congratulations on getting your life back. I agree with this post. Initially NC feels counter intuitive because we have such a great need for contact to medicate the despair. However, in the long run 100% NC brings a quicker recovery than with periodic contact.
Author bigalagain Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 I get where you guys are coming from. It's about accepting its over and beginning the process of recovery. The sooner the process begins, the sooner you get through it. I have been through it before although not in this kind of situation. But I humbly suggest that NC now will not alleviate the feeling I have once she has left and I really have no chance at contact. Unless I magically recover in the next month or so to the point I am indifferent, I'm still going to feel bad. Also NC seems to be a one sided thing. I' decide I will never speak to her again and eliminate the possibility so I won't even be tempted if she calls me. She ain't going to call me. Not tomorrow. Not in two months. This is an addiction for me, not for her. You can pine for a girl who doesn't want you all you want, but that doesn't mean crap to her. Getting mad about that and swearing that you won't even to talk to her if she calls is almost silly. She wasn't going to.
Pierre Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I get where you guys are coming from. It's about accepting its over and beginning the process of recovery. The sooner the process begins, the sooner you get through it. I have been through it before although not in this kind of situation. But I humbly suggest that NC now will not alleviate the feeling I have once she has left and I really have no chance at contact. Unless I magically recover in the next month or so to the point I am indifferent, I'm still going to feel bad. Also NC seems to be a one sided thing. I' decide I will never speak to her again and eliminate the possibility so I won't even be tempted if she calls me. She ain't going to call me. Not tomorrow. Not in two months. This is an addiction for me, not for her. You can pine for a girl who doesn't want you all you want, but that doesn't mean crap to her. Getting mad about that and swearing that you won't even to talk to her if she calls is almost silly. She wasn't going to. When the HB is over she may call. Unless she becomes a truly reformed former MOW.
Author bigalagain Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 Maybe. But what I have seen today makes me doubt it. I don't believe it and I don't plan on living my life waiting for it or guarding against it. I know it's a fix for me to talk to her. Always has been
Author bigalagain Posted December 28, 2012 Author Posted December 28, 2012 Just to check in. We have both been off work all week and no one is contacting anyone. That's not surprising on her end although it has occasionally taken effort on mine. Again, I would be greatly surprised at any reaching out on her part. It's true I want her to, but wanting and getting are two different things, and if I got it, it would probably only lead to temporary joy followed by more difficulty. Also, she is still married and, presumably, working on that. There is no "us" in that scenario. If there were ever to be an "us", it would be a long time coming and well after there was no them. Meanwhile, I go through the emotions and the motions. I have been very active with friends and family and work hard to avoid having any alone time to stew. I do feel down at times. I do miss her, and wish things were different. I can't imagine there's anyone who wouldn't experience those emotions after the end of a relationship, however bad. I guess I have a certain advantage since d-day led to blocking on her end (I don't know the exact extent of it because I haven't tried to find out, but I do know about the social media block) and so I don't have to worry much about reaching out myself since there is no way to do so, and I don't have to worry about "hearing" the picture of what she is up to she chooses to share with the world. I try hard to focus on myself and my own personal development. I try even harder to help other people and show compassion and love to folks in my life. I am not healed, and I am not strong, and I am only intermittently happy, but I am trying.
Bassman100 Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 This is so similar to my situation, it's scary. A dday, quits job soon after, blocked on FB... I could have wrote this, save for the part that I continued to see her for two more years... I think I need to take a page from your book and never speak to this person again. Good luck!
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