Husband took his anger out on me during sex?

[SamaraM]

Last week i confessed to my husband that 4months ago during a work night out, I had a one night stand, At the time we were not agreeing on much and having many conflicts but he had told me many times that he wanted to fix the problems with us. The night i cheated my husband and i had a huge argument and feeling were very hurt, when i went out i'd had too much to drink & after the fight i wanted to hurt him back and i did in the worst way possible, I have no excuses except i was drunk and stupid! I originally didn't want to tell him as i know i will never be so stupid again and i didn't want to hurt him just to ease my own conscience but i couldn't get it off my mind and i couldn't sleep or keep lying to him and after recently going to a therapist she suggested i be honest with him and to hopefully start anew, I knew that if he did it to me i'd want to know so last week i told him. My husband started yelling at me (which he never done before) and felt sick and couldn't help crying but i told him the truth, After i had told him he looked at me with hate and walked out. When i got home that night he had smashed the bathroom mirror and spent the night at his friends place. Although he's now back home and said he wants to get past this he wont acknowledge me much, if i try to touch him he walks away from me, We have been together 7yrs, married for one & i have never seen him so angry with me.

 

So far the only physical & emotional contact i've had with him was two nights ago when we had sex, It was the roughest sex i've ever had, he was being very rough with me and didn't seem to care he kept making intense eye contact and when i asked him not ejaculate into me, he did. After wards he wouldn't talk to me & just went to the shower, I felt used and i feel like he hates me, I know i I deserve everything i get and i don't blame him for hating me but I cant lose him, I love this man to death, He is really nothing like the person he is being right now, He has never been like this and i know screwed up and to top everything off i found out today that i am 9wks pregnant with out first child, Im hoping to tell him about the baby on Christmas day. Losing him is not an option to me i love him too much, Please give me advice on how to save my marriage?

[Mr. Lucky]

Please give me advice on how to save my marriage?

Step one would be trying to understand and empathize what he's going through. Really, don't you understand the message he was trying to send you by having non-caring, rough sex? What he did wasn't an act of love. What you did wasn't either. My best advice, if you stay together, would be to deal with it as best you can. I can pretty much guarantee this won't be the only non-verbal act of anger coming your way...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SamaraM]

Also, who was the man that you had an affair with? If is someone your H knows he will have trouble every getting past it. If you work with the guy you need a new job

 

 

 

No, And as bad as it sounds he was a random stranger.

[GorillaTheater]

You can reasonably expect that it will take your husband at least a couple of years to get past the worst of it. Complete healing, to the extent there is such a thing, will take a lot longer.

 

If you're not up for it, set him loose now so he can find a woman who will treat him right.

[Clockwork]

Initially I thought this thread was just about "angry sex" which we've all had at some point in our lives and is almost a relief to many. But..........this isn't just a normal fight you had, this is totally betraying his trust. Everything he thought he knew is thrown out the window. His life is shattered and if you want to save your marriage you really have to be doing some damage control now because it might take a while.

[LoveMyWifey]

I know this is obvious but your Husband is hurt and angry with you deeper than he can ever express. I can't speak for all men but only for myself and I want to be the man of my wife's dreams. I want to know that I am the only man she has eyes and feelings for.

 

You have crushed everything that it means to be a man within him and there is nothing left. He is in pieces and doesn't know where to begin trusting you again, let alone feel confident as a man again.

 

I would suggest weathering this one out but with clear boundaries. You have a responsibility first and foremost to your unborn child. It isn't about just you or your husband anymore, it is about your child's health and safety, then your marriage. Your child needs a healthy family but his safety must come first, whether directly or indirectly (through your health).

 

As for boundaries you need to set limits that you can take with how he treats you. He needs to understand that you want to work this out but your child needs to come first.

 

He needs to pass through the anger and the immediate response to your infidelity into the place where he is crying in your arms before he can begin to feel for you again. I guarantee that if he was on top of a mountain somewhere far from prying eyes he would not be expressing anger, it would be sadness. He needs to come to this point with you.

 

I honestly don't know if he will ever come around but all you can do is look after you, and your child's safety. Support him completely without being abused and the rest is up to him.

[Radu]

The night i cheated my husband and i had a huge argument and feeling were very hurt, when i went out i'd had too much to drink & after the fight i wanted to hurt him back and i did in the worst way possible, I have no excuses except i was drunk and stupid!

Every time an excuse is followed by a 'but', it is not a real excuse.

Meaning, you do not feel it as your fault.

 

You :

- still do not accept responsability for your action 'i have no excuse except that i was drunk'. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, does not put thoughts in your head.

- when the guilt became unbearable, you transferred to him by 'confessing'. You did not do this because it was the right thing to do.

- are still hiding things from him. 9 weeks pregnant and you want to wait more before you tell him.

Soon it will be too late for him to decide on weather or not he wants to have this baby, doesn't matter if he says yes or no ... you have yet again taken the decision from his hands.

 

Him :

- has anger issues

- does not know how to handle you

 

You like to control things, and everything you have done in this situation was about what was best for you.

Your marriage is over, your husband is no more, but you will keep him there.

And now you have a new weapon with which you can ascert your control, the cape of 'motherhood' ... which will make all better, and will link the both of you ... weather or not he wants it.

 

The only way to fix this is to go in therapy with your husband, to admit your issues, to stop shifting blame.

Even so, he will never forget what you have done, but maybe in a couple of yrs he will be able to forgive you.

 

If this is not done, you will convince him to stay 'for the good of the baby', and continue using and manipulating him untill your respect [and therefore love] for him will dissapear.

Then you will turn on him, and he will find out that he kept a viper to his bossom.

Edited December 18, 2012 by Radu

[KungFuJoe]

Where do people come up with these stories?

[Madman81]

This thread has taken on quite a life in the Sexual and Reproductive Health section...

[stillafool]

OP, Why do you keep making these threads but don't participate? Do you want help?

[MissBee]

No, And as bad as it sounds he was a random stranger.

 

Did you guys use protection?

 

Are you sure the baby is your husband's?

[Sparty97]

I hope you fully expect to submit to a DNA test.