Javabear Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 My ex his gone, his stuff is gone... all that remains are memories and a mangled heart. I desperately want to move on. It's been almost three months and I can't help but think that if he wanted to reconsider his rash decision to give up on me for a girl he barely knew he would have done it by now. I don't want to be pulled down by his gravity anymore. The only problem is that when I think about dating other guys, I can't picture myself with anyone but my ex. After being together for three years he was the person I projected into all of my visions of the future. He was going to be my husband, the father of my children and the only love for me. So how do I replace him? What if I can never accept anyone into my heart the way that I accepted him? What if I never see myself with anyone else? Time. I know, it takes time... but how long does it take to un-love someone? 4
bluefairy812 Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I feel for you my dear. I'm in the same boat as you. There is no solution other than finding your own happiness first. Trying to replace your ex will be worse. It's like asking how to walk again when both your legs are broken. Time helps. So do friends, new activities, learning to smile again. Believe me, read my posts I understand and know your pain 100000%. It's not easy. Hang in there. because clinging on to hope as I do still at times is the worst. My ex has moved on after years. Nothing we can do but the same:(
itsmyfault Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I don't think you ever "replace" someone, You just find something else that makes you equally as happy. No two people are the same. As for the dating thing, It is hard, When you go through something like a break up you question yourself. You question if someone else will even want to be with you. I've been over a Month NC now. I'm feeling fine, but I still feel held back a little. I was out on the weekend and a really attractive girl was all over me, For some reason though, I just acted un interested. Since then I've done a lot of thinking, sometimes in life you just have to take every opportunity you get. I'm guessing I still had fear of rejection even though she came onto me. I guess being worried about rejection is kind of stupid, If nothing comes of something then you lose nothing but there is still the chance to gain everything.
NavyAirTraffic Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 you just have to take every opportunity you get. Exactly. I know you don't want to, but get out there and date!! Tonight/tomorrow/next month you might meet the guy that will sweep you off your feet, treat you like gold, make you think "can't believe I was hung up on my ex". This won't happen if you sit around passing on opportunities. Be a "yes gal"!! It's going to be unnatural at first and that's ok. Recognize how you're feeling and power through. This is your body/mind/heart resisting the change to your new single life. However this IS your reality moving forward. Either today or 6 months down the road you're going to have to embrace your new single life (like it or not). Don't let/allow your ex to deprive you of experiences. You don't want to look back 10 years from now and think "I wasted 6 months of my life lingering because of my ex". You only have 1 shot at this amazing life. Good luck to you!! 3
LostOne1 Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 My ex his gone, his stuff is gone... all that remains are memories and a mangled heart. I desperately want to move on. It's been almost three months and I can't help but think that if he wanted to reconsider his rash decision to give up on me for a girl he barely knew he would have done it by now. I don't want to be pulled down by his gravity anymore. The only problem is that when I think about dating other guys, I can't picture myself with anyone but my ex. After being together for three years he was the person I projected into all of my visions of the future. He was going to be my husband, the father of my children and the only love for me. So how do I replace him? What if I can never accept anyone into my heart the way that I accepted him? What if I never see myself with anyone else? Time. I know, it takes time... but how long does it take to un-love someone? I personally think and agree with some others here. You don't REPLACE that person, because no one can replace another and no one is alike. But I think what happens is we start to see someone else, who makes us happy some how and we don't realize it. And when we do, we let go or forget our past and move on. Oddly enough I had a dream today with some random girl. And next thing I know I wanted to ask her out or tell her I liked her and as soon as I was about to whisper in her ear. Well I woke up and it was like I had done something wrong. And, I realized it was my ex.. I wasn't over her and still am not. That has happened to me a lot even when I go out. I see a lot of interesting people, but at some point the ex factor kicks in and it's like someone slammed a stop sign to your face. Sad part is my ex probably doesn't even give a crap. She changed me up for someone else and threw away our 3 yrs away for a guy she met for 3 weeks. So I know how you feel EXACTLY... but with time going by I realize it feels a bit better. The main thing for me when I think of my ex is I focus myself on LIFE. That I want to reach the top, I am looking at getting a yearly gym pass and start working out 2-3 times a week. New career, at least a part time job in the next month. I guess after this experience I want to grow up more now. I don't want to be a full time student, I wanna work and do part time schooling. I just wanna grow now and feel like a Man I guess. Feel like I can be more independent, the very thing I gave up while being with my ex. So make some goals for yourself and stick to them and don't let any feeling or anyone bring you down. 1
Samilia Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 My ex his gone, his stuff is gone... all that remains are memories and a mangled heart. I desperately want to move on. It's been almost three months and I can't help but think that if he wanted to reconsider his rash decision to give up on me for a girl he barely knew he would have done it by now. I don't want to be pulled down by his gravity anymore. The only problem is that when I think about dating other guys, I can't picture myself with anyone but my ex. After being together for three years he was the person I projected into all of my visions of the future. He was going to be my husband, the father of my children and the only love for me. So how do I replace him? What if I can never accept anyone into my heart the way that I accepted him? What if I never see myself with anyone else? Time. I know, it takes time... but how long does it take to un-love someone? I, too, have a problem with the word "replace", replace also means compare, you're comparing your ex with any guy you date. It didn't work with the ex, don't try and find the same guy. You probably not ready to date anybody seriously, if you want to keep on dating, that's fine, but take it with a grain of salt. And be honest about your intentions as well. If you never see yourself with anyone else it's not the end of the world, being with someone is nice, but it's not a life goal in itself. I think that you will meet your soulmate along the way, if there is such thing. For now concentrate on life, it's short, financial independence is more important; and attractive as well. But it's my own point of view. Just enjoy the journey, you will meet someone eventually.
Simon Phoenix Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Yeah, not sure replace is the right word. Maybe rework is a better word for it. It's tough not to compare though. After the break with my ex I went on a run of random hookups for about a month, but that didn't work. Since then I cooled off of that. Went on a lunch date today, which was fine, but by the end of lunch there was really nothing to discuss and I felt like I knew all I wanted to know. With my ex I could spend an entire day with her and there was never any boredom or uncomfortability -- it felt right. I'd like to find something like that -- not the exact conversations, but a similar dynamic -- with someone, where I didn't get tired or bored with them and vice versa. Would be cool.
sadbunnyy Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 I'm having the same thoughts too. Makes me sick to think that he might replace me with someone else when I can't think of anyone who could take his place we talked about our future together...he was the person i wanted to marry, we were supposed to have a family. now i'm left with nothing. I cant even see myself with anyone else... 1
LostOne1 Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 I'm having the same thoughts too. Makes me sick to think that he might replace me with someone else when I can't think of anyone who could take his place we talked about our future together...he was the person i wanted to marry, we were supposed to have a family. now i'm left with nothing. I cant even see myself with anyone else... Plans change.. one thing I learned now.. NEVER accept that a plan will go as planned. Because chances are it won't... or obstacles will come in the way to distract you away from the plan. It's okay to make plans, but don't go with it thinking it's FULLY going to be the plan and work out that way in the end. Look at careers, how many people want to be X and end up being Y or Z? So I guess love and relationship is very similar, and that we can't accept it all will go according to as planned with the other person. We have to be ready to know and accept that the plan we made with our significant other can at ANY time end. But that's the risk we take with a person and in a relationship.
movingon12 Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Sounds like you're not ready to date again yet. Which is fine. I know there are 2 schools of thought on this: jump straight back in vs have time alone. I'm a big believer in the 2nd one, but it might be a personality thing. If the idea of dating someone else is making you unhappy: don't do it. There will come a time when you are ready to start dating again (it took me 2 years - literally - before I wanted to start again), and when that time comes you'll know you're ready, and you'll enjoy it, and you won't be comparing your date to your ex all the time. The other thing to remember is the one you end up - however long that takes - will be better than your ex. Why? Because, whether you broke up with your ex, or they broke up with you - there were problems in that relationship. That's why you broke up. If it was great, you wouldn't have broken up. (and people don't start with the 'oh but it was great, it's just you know, sometimes she used to cheat on me with my brother, but hey everyone does that sometimes, it doesn't make her a bad person...' BS. Your relationship wasn't great. That's why you're not together right now.) The one you end up with, you won't break up with. Because it will be great. So you don't so much replace an ex as upgrade to a (much!) better model. How long this will take will depend on you. You can't be happy with someone else until you're happy alone. If you're not happy being alone, you need to work on that first. Focus on your friends, career, study, hobbies, family whatever it is that you enjoy doing. Don't hope that finding someone else will make you happy. YOU have to make you happy. And when you make yourself happy, and you don't need a relationship, that's when you are ready for a truly great relationship.
oracle Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 3 months is nothing. Im 2.5 years into it. You need to find happiness in your life that is not centered around intimate relationships right now.. You will just continually compare back and its not fair to the other person, and you will not feel good about it. You move-on when you find someone you like just a little bit more. In the meantime you ever so slowly detach. My ex his gone, his stuff is gone... all that remains are memories and a mangled heart. I desperately want to move on. It's been almost three months and I can't help but think that if he wanted to reconsider his rash decision to give up on me for a girl he barely knew he would have done it by now. I don't want to be pulled down by his gravity anymore. The only problem is that when I think about dating other guys, I can't picture myself with anyone but my ex. After being together for three years he was the person I projected into all of my visions of the future. He was going to be my husband, the father of my children and the only love for me. So how do I replace him? What if I can never accept anyone into my heart the way that I accepted him? What if I never see myself with anyone else? Time. I know, it takes time... but how long does it take to un-love someone?
Recommended Posts