bluefairy812 Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I hate my heart and my feelings. It has been 5 months, and I still dream and wake up every morning to think about him. He is the last person I think about before I sleep... I check my phone hoping he will come around when He clearly has moved on. The two times we spoke he treated me like dirt. And still I wish for him to just wake up and change his mind. I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried everything and I'm just so sick of dealing with him emotionally. Even when I know I must and need to let go, I think I do, then somehow something happens for me to come back to step 1. I hate my heart... So much.
Author bluefairy812 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 One last thing. The hardest and most difficult is accepting that YEARS with a person doesn't mean anything after a breakup. I have come to find out he is not the person I thought he was. I thought my life was going to be with him.... And I was wrong. I have never loved someone the way I loved him. I'm so hurt. Still... How pathetic.
Mike_d Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 any dates yet? getting your flirt game ramped up again? what are you doing to get fed self esteem from the men you cross paths with? or are all the walls currently at full height?
Author bluefairy812 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 I'm seeing someone who I like, we r supposed to be bf/gf but I don't feel it in my heart to call him a bf I got a new haircut, I'm hitting the gym, I hang out with friends and go to school. Still, the usual, gods humor... Everywhere I go, 95% of the time something is out there projected by the universe to make me think of him. It's bad. I'm not religious but I'm at the point of asking God/Allah/Buddha/whoever is out there to just help me. Either bring him back or get him out of my head forever.... And social media? Doesn't help at all. I saw he posted on some girls picture "miss you", a girl who he claimed he never even liked as a person! I can't anymore.
Mike_d Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I have never loved someone the way I loved him. I'm so hurt. Still... How pathetic. it's not pathetic. it's a process. it takes what it takes. but we can control a bit of it. we can control by staying stuck and not doing the work to move forward. he is not the only one, he is not some sort of special snowflake that there is only one of in the world. there are plenty of other men who seek out someone exactly like you in the world out there roaming around. but you need to have your head up, your eyes all shiny and full of life, and be able to see it - else whatever the universe is putting in your path to help you is going to swim right by you. when we stop staying stuck we allow the process to move forward, and the lights begin to turn on, the head comes up, the eyes see.
Mike_d Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I'm seeing someone who I like, we r supposed to be bf/gf but I don't feel it in my heart to call him a bf then don't. spin up another plate, open up to another guy. I got a new haircut, I'm hitting the gym, I hang out with friends and go to school. Still, the usual, gods humor... Everywhere I go, 95% of the time something is out there projected by the universe to make me think of him. It's bad. I'm not religious but I'm at the point of asking God/Allah/Buddha/whoever is out there to just help me. Either bring him back or get him out of my head forever.... And social media? Doesn't help at all. I saw he posted on some girls picture "miss you", a girl who he claimed he never even liked as a person! I can't anymore. ugh, still stalking him... stop it. now. that's unhealthy, and keeps you stuck in place. block him, all of him. "I can't anymore." It seems you can, and do, and will. Stop torturing yourself
Author bluefairy812 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 The good news is I blocked him. The bad news is I was snooping on girls we both know mutually and stumbled across that ridiculous comment. Now I see it's a bad idea to look at ex's friends. Even worse, I feel like he is the only snow flake... I shouldn't though and I know I shouldn't... It's just hard for me to completely disregard years of him in a matter of months. We spoke by email recently and again treated me like dirt over a non-relationship issue. What drives me insane is all the questions. Why is he like this? Why is he doing this? Why doesn't he try to help the situation? Why he a douchebag???? I'm not a bad person, I made mistakes but I wouldn't make someone miserable just because. I miss him and every day is easier and harder if that makes sense. Thanks for listening and for your words.
Mike_d Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 ... I was snooping on girls we both know mutually and stumbled across that ridiculous comment. ahhh, nice try at a rationalization - you got exactly what you were looking for. You wanted a status update on him cause you were stalking him via friends. Search out "curing oneitis", your mind is still playing tricks on you, you haven't done the hard work of actively putting him out of your life - see above - so your brain is still filled with all those chemicals every time you think of him. When the chemicals die out and start to lose their potency you feel the need to re-dose yourself so you go on the hunt for visual stimulation, information, things that will make you "feel" better. Welcome to your addiction. you are a junkie searching for a high. This is for guys, but there may be something here for you. Your need for the oxytocin and dopamine fix that your brain craves is different vs a mans brain, so you need to find something female oriented. There is no One. « you are not a bad person, we agree wholeheartedly. there isnt and shouldnt be a shame component in here, you are not a bad person
Author bluefairy812 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 What else can I do ? I have been through breakups before but never to this extent. Maybe because this was my first adulthood relationship... I have allowed myself to heal, suffer, cry, rant, go on and on... Am I crazy at this point? How come the other person doesn't suffer? It's not fair.
Mike_d Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 What else can I do ? stop stalking. actively avoid. actively work on your girl game. WANT to move forward. remove oneitis. stop putting the chemicals back into your head that keep you in your cycle - you do recognize your cycle right? your recovery clock is still pretty much at day 0 given your actions so far, shoot for 7 days and see where you end up then, check back in Are you crazy? Permanently? no. Temp? not crazy, but not currently living in a very healthy fashion... What happens to the other person has zero bearing on anything here. He's moved on. done. kaput. over. finito. Time for you to focus on you and only you.
cavalier99 Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 What else can I do ? I have been through breakups before but never to this extent. Maybe because this was my first adulthood relationship... I have allowed myself to heal, suffer, cry, rant, go on and on... Am I crazy at this point? How come the other person doesn't suffer? It's not fair. Sorry your having a rough time. However, you say you've done everything? What you haven't done is complete NC. If your emailing him this can set you back weeks or months. You need to go dark. Completely disappear from his life and he will disappear in yours. He will become like a fleeting dream/nightmare. You will remember but you wont FEEL it so intensely. Otherwise you wont heal quickly. Remember just one text or email is a huge setback. You need distance.
Author bluefairy812 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 (edited) Hi cavalier, thanks so much for responding. I did and have gone full NC. I have blocked his number and blocked him from social media sites. Problem is he owes me some cash, so I have been waiting for him to pay up. Our conversation only consisted of this via email. And i'm not stupid, he claims he is very broke, but in reality, he is enjoying his new life and new wh*res. But you are correct, even with his cold and dry responses by email, I was not ok. Just sucks. I'm hurting... and I feel like I'm out of options.... I almost feel like unblocking his # because it's costing me money. lol. it's not like he is going to contact me anyway. he's a lucky guy. i'm the one who blocked him off everything, moved out, blocked his #.. he has no way of contacting me. i made it very easy for him yet i'm the one with the issues. Edited December 17, 2012 by bluefairy812
Recommended Posts