OTown42 Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 (edited) I met and fell in love with a girl. We are both older, me 45 and she is 37. We went through some issues which were nothing major but I needed time to think about them and got distant. This caused some hurt that has not gone away yet for her. I explained my behavior to her and laid it all out there for her in a positive way. There is a wall there now and things had been cooled down for a few weeks. Last week we made some progress with a couple of talks and she said that her heart misses me. Then on Wednesday night I brought dinner over for her and helped her with her Christmas tree. It was very nice and the spark was there and we went with it, I stayed the night, etc. On Thursday, I texted her a couple of times but she was short and distant. I asked her to let me know when she was home from work and that I would call her. She called me and we talked for a bit and she just said that she was confused. Confused that we fell back into things so quickly and that she wasn't sure it was the right thing to do to have sex. She said she wasn't expecting that to happen and frankly neither did I. I expressed my thoughts that I was hoping to just be around each other that night and start reconnecting emotionally before physically. Working on the tree together was really nice and it made me feel close to her and I think she felt the same about it. It still wasn't done so I did express my interest in coming back and helping her decorate it AFTER telling her my desire to spend time with her and just talk and take our time and that's when the confused part came out. We haven't really talked that much since then. In our conversation I alluded to giving her space and we texted a few times since but nothing major. I'm not sure how to handle it now. I told her I respect her need for space but I don't want to seem distant either. I won't be around for Christmas because I am going back to my hometown to be with family (just moved down to where I am earlier this year). I had tried no contact before but I felt I needed to make sure she knew where I stood on some issues and I did that. I'm pretty sure she will text me but they will be insignificant, kind of like, "Hope you have a good day" or stuff like that. Not sure if I should respond to those or just let them go. I'm really confused about this considering what happened just last week. I don't want it to weigh on me during Christmas around my parents, siblings and friends. I should also mention that her Dad is dying from cancer after being diagnosed in January. Of course, it is a very difficult time for her and completely out of my scope to even understand what that must be like. I have read advice about these situations but it is tough to comprehend those feelings. Any thoughts? Edited December 17, 2012 by OTown42
Mike_d Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 not sure how you could be more wishy washy with less direction.... yuk, who wants to commit feelings to that? do you want to see her or not? what do you want?
Author OTown42 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 Yes I want to see her and move forward and I have told her that but obviously her heart has to be into it and that's what she said she is confused about. When I alluded to giving her space it was more of just asking her to clarify that is what she wanted. I don't want it to be that she is very open one day and distant the next. I don't want to be in a circular pattern like that because I don't believe you move forward and it just confuses the hell out of me.
Mike_d Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 you need to learn to lead. she has enough to deal with and is making all the decisions in her life, the absolute last thing she wants is to have to make the decisions about her relationship with you as well. that's your responsibility. its not a level playing field, you lead, if attractive enough she'll follow.
Author OTown42 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 Thanks Mike, I do know that and can do that and want to get better at it. I am confused about what step to take now, I have told her that I want to move forward with her. I led the way in being totally open. I want to move past this but at this point and I want to lead but not have it sound like a broken record at the same time. I have tried.
Mike_d Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 waaay less talk, waaay more action. all she hears is blablablablablablablablablablablabla, all she sees is you doing nothing. now go do
Mike_d Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 (edited) look - do this. setup decent dinner reservation and a place where you can walk. hell, a mall will work just fine if it's too cold where you live. make the reservations. then call her and *tell her* the following: I'm picking you up at <insert time here>, I'd like you to wear something <causual|kinda dressy|something else> and bring along some shoes that will be comfortable to change into when we take a walk later in the evening. Looking forward to spending time with you, see you then. She'll agree or decline, try to know a bit about her schedule ahead of time so that you have the best chance of success, and say your goodbyes and hang up. if she declines then say something like - let me check my schedule and see if I can work it out for another night, I'll touch base with you in 2 days and I'll know more then. don't commit to any change at this point. Call her on the 2nd day, not the first or the 3rd, the 2nd day and rework your plan above for a new night based on your schedule, not hers. that's it none of the following should emit your lips: maybe, could you, we might, etc. nothing wishy washy, you are all lead, all of the time. if she asks where she is going with you, you will in a very playful and fun mock captain voice tell her "woman, I have it handled, you just need to appear at the designated time and look pretty". if she pushes you keep up the act and add "if you keep this up then there will be stern consequences that I'll need to enforce, now I said I have it handled and I have made it so. end of conversation, remember your job is to just look pretty" and cut it. pick her up exactly on time, not a minute early, not a minute late. dressed well, new cologne that you have applied right (not bathing in it) and with new haircut. Car cleared out and smelling good. playlist setup on the iphone that is pumping gently through the speakers - Al Green, Earth Wind and Fire, Van Morrison, etc. 2 hours worth already setup, and on loop so that if you hit the 2hr mark it starts over. In the restaurant you discuss with her what she likes on the menu, she will decide on what she wants and you will know. she gets a glass of champagne or wine when the waiter comes by for drink order, you do not ask her what she wants. you will order for her, if when the waiter gets there and he asks you a question about her order and you don't know then just wing it. do-not-ask-her. if she interjects - "woman, I have this handled, and you are doing a great job of looking pretty" but always always always playful and fun but in control and happy you order dessert and an after dinner drink for her. no dad talk during dinner unless she brings it up. watch to make sure she isn't going sideways while discussing him if it comes up, be prepared to steer her away for awhile till she gets her composure back. she may want to come back to it after awhile. then take her for a walk, if you go in a mall then look at the xmas decorations, peek in windows, discuss likes, get your picture taken with Santa. leave her with the picture. take her home. kiss her with a passion as you drop her off, no less than 10 seconds in length on the first kiss, see if you can get a few in, and for gods sake touch her skin when you kiss her. pull up shirt to get to back/stomach/side if you have to in order to find skin. maybe build the kiss anticipation by exposing skin before you kiss her. she might just invite you in. enjoy the evening, be in total charge Edited December 17, 2012 by Mike_d fleshed out a couple of more areas
Mike_d Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I led the way in being totally open uh, no. hell no. you are trying to please her vs leading. you will please her WHEN you lead. she doesn't want you to be "totally open", she wants you to have a freaking clue, a plan, about what *you* want to do. she wants to see that you are strong enough to be able to lead. cant say this strongly enough. you are being wishywashy, gooey, amenable, agreeable, "whateveryouwantdear" - stop it, women HATE this
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