Starting to get mixed signals!

[BenH1000]

Hi all,

 

So here's my situation: I've been dating this girl for approximately 3 months. She and I just really hit things off: we get along great, always have tons of fun together, and are both very attracted to each other. The sexual part of our relationship is excellent, too.

 

The past week or so, however, has made me a bit concerned as to where things are heading with this girl. As we VERY rarely communicate by phone, texting (and occasional email/gchat) is our primary method of contact when we're not hanging out. For me, this is fine. I'm not a huge fan of talking on the phone, though occasional calls are definitely nice. Either way, I've learned to kind of "read" her personality/mood when she texts me. This past week, things seemed a bit off-kilter.

 

I last saw her about a week ago at a holiday party at her place. We had been consistently seeing each other just about twice a week, give our take (once on the weekends, once during the week). After the party at her place -- which was on a Sunday -- I hadn't heard from her, so I sent her a text on Wednesday. It was one of those long, enthusiastic texts, which I immediately regretted sending, but at the same time, it was cute and funny so I thought why not. She texted me back, and then I asked if she was around during the upcoming weekend. She reminded me that she was going home but would be around Sunday. I told her I was hanging out with a buddy of mine on Sunday night, so we agreed that we'd hang out the following week.

 

Sorry for all of the rambling -- but here's where things get weird. I sent her a text yesterday asking her how her weekend was and when she'd be around this week. She responded 7 hours later, didn't answer the question about her weekend, and told me "so I'm not really sure when I'll be free. I'll be around Monday, Thursday, and Friday, but Saturday morning I have to leave early to go home." Basically, it sounded like I was not a priority at all to her, which just feels so strange after how well things have been going between us otherwise. Typically, she would sound much more enthusiastic about getting together, and would pick a date. She listed three potential nights, but didn't pick one, and was totally hazy about "not really being sure" when she'll be free. But it gets even weirder. I texted her back and told her "ok let me know" to which she responds just a couple minutes later that she brought back some pastries with her for me from home. What gives? Seems like mixed messages to me, but maybe I'm just overreacting?

 

It's now been over a week since I've seen her, and if I don't end up seeing her this week, it'll turn into 3 weeks, since I'm going away all of next week. What should I do? Should I bring up my concerns or just give her space? Sorry for the super long post, but this is bothering me way more than I'd like, and I'd appreciate any help.

Edited December 17, 2012 by BenH1000

[Mrlonelyone]

Well, At the 3 month mark you should start to feel comfortable enough that you are together that a few weeks apart would not mean the death of the relationship.

 

Folks who are in a relationship long enough will have even longer stints where they are not in daily or weekly contact...months or a year even.

 

Give her breathing space and let her reach out to you. If she's really yours she will do just that. If not then what have you lost?

[BenH1000]

Well, At the 3 month mark you should start to feel comfortable enough that you are together that a few weeks apart would not mean the death of the relationship.

 

Folks who are in a relationship long enough will have even longer stints where they are not in daily or weekly contact...months or a year even.

 

Give her breathing space and let her reach out to you. If she's really yours she will do just that. If not then what have you lost?

 

Thanks for the response. Yes, I agree about the 3-month thing, but the thing is, we have not actually had any discussions about "us" so to speak. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but we are not, I guess you could say, official bf/gf.

 

Anyway, I am OK with giving her space and plan to do so. I just feel nervous that things all of a sudden seem a bit different.

[Cutiepie1976]

3 months and not official BF/GF? What gives?

 

Funny, I guess I had the opposite reaction. To me she was becoming less invested--giving the sense of willingness to meet whenever/wherever, but warning that it probably won't happen if you were to try to pin her to an actual date. Hate to be cynical, but is it possible she has a relationship back home? Curious that she chose to ignore your question asking about her weekend. Not that there is much you can do anyway. You aren't really BF/GF.

 

I guess time will tell...

[BenH1000]

3 months and not official BF/GF? What gives?

 

Funny, I guess I had the opposite reaction. To me she was becoming less invested--giving the sense of willingness to meet whenever/wherever, but warning that it probably won't happen if you were to try to pin her to an actual date. Hate to be cynical, but is it possible she has a relationship back home? Curious that she chose to ignore your question asking about her weekend. Not that there is much you can do anyway. You aren't really BF/GF.

 

I guess time will tell...

 

We're not officially bf/gf, but we mine as well be. Everything else in our relationship has, to this point, indicated that.

 

As for relationship back home, well, her home is 15 minutes away from me. While it's always possible there is something else, I'm not ready to believe that and again, why would she mention that she brought pastries back for me? Just odd.

[clia]

We're not officially bf/gf, but we mine as well be. Everything else in our relationship has, to this point, indicated that.

 

If you haven't had the discussion yet, you aren't.

 

In my opinion, she's bailing out and cutting her losses. She's been seeing you a couple times a week for three months, and has been having sex with you, and you haven't brought up exclusivity. Three months is a long time in the world of dating. By now you should've had the discussion if you want to be exclusive.

 

It was one of those long, enthusiastic texts, which I immediately regretted sending, but at the same time, it was cute and funny so I thought why not. She texted me back, and then I asked if she was around during the upcoming weekend. She reminded me that she was going home but would be around Sunday. I told her I was hanging out with a buddy of mine on Sunday night, so we agreed that we'd hang out the following week.

 

The fact that you didn't even remember she wouldn't be around over the weekend tells me you don't communicate that much and aren't that close. Certainly you aren't boyfriend and girlfriend.

[BenH1000]

If you haven't had the discussion yet, you aren't.

 

In my opinion, she's bailing out and cutting her losses. She's been seeing you a couple times a week for three months, and has been having sex with you, and you haven't brought up exclusivity. Three months is a long time in the world of dating. By now you should've had the discussion if you want to be exclusive.

 

Why do I need to bring that up? Why can't it be her? And shouldn't it be assumed that, at 3 months in + sex, it is exclusive? I mean, seems like it doesn't really require a conversation, but I can see your point.

 

The fact that you didn't even remember she wouldn't be around over the weekend tells me you don't communicate that much and aren't that close. Certainly you aren't boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

Yeah, it was my mistake for forgetting she was going to be away on the weekend, but those things happen! And I already explained that our communication is essentially limited to texting outside of actually seeing each other. But to say we aren't (or, weren't) close, is not true at all. We were definitely close, believe me.

 

I just think more communication about our actual relationship, as you mentioned, could/would have helped. And I'd love to start now, seeing as it may be why things have gotten off-track as you mentioned, but I too fear that it's too late and, honestly, I wouldn't even know where to start. I'd be too afraid of pushing her even farther away...

[Mrlonelyone]

In general unless you have a talk about commitment you aren't BF and GF.

 

As a matter of fact if your months into it and can't even say that your BF and GF then you might as well just admit that it's a casual sexual thing,FWB, and nothing more.

 

You describe regular sex and a bit of hanging out. Let me ask you these questions.

 

• What did you have in common aside from sex?
  
• What do you like to do together other than sex?
  
• If for some medical reason you couldn't have sex, of any kind at all, for a month or two what would you do instead?
  
• Where do you see yourself in five years and is this person even a hypothetical part of those plans? (Be honest).
  

 

The answers to questions like those tell the difference between a GF/BF relationship and a FWB/FB situation.

 

Why do I need to bring that up? Why can't it be her? And shouldn't it be assumed that, at 3 months in + sex, it is exclusive? I mean, seems like it doesn't really require a conversation, but I can see your point.

 

 

 

Yeah, it was my mistake for forgetting she was going to be away on the weekend, but those things happen! And I already explained that our communication is essentially limited to texting outside of actually seeing each other. But to say we aren't (or, weren't) close, is not true at all. We were definitely close, believe me.

 

I just think more communication about our actual relationship, as you mentioned, could/would have helped. And I'd love to start now, seeing as it may be why things have gotten off-track as you mentioned, but I too fear that it's too late and, honestly, I wouldn't even know where to start. I'd be too afraid of pushing her even farther away...

[BenH1000]

In general unless you have a talk about commitment you aren't BF and GF.

 

As a matter of fact if your months into it and can't even say that your BF and GF then you might as well just admit that it's a casual sexual thing,FWB, and nothing more.

 

You describe regular sex and a bit of hanging out. Let me ask you these questions.

 

• What did you have in common aside from sex?
  
• What do you like to do together other than sex?
  
• If for some medical reason you couldn't have sex, of any kind at all, for a month or two what would you do instead?
  
• Where do you see yourself in five years and is this person even a hypothetical part of those plans? (Be honest).
  

 

The answers to questions like those tell the difference between a GF/BF relationship and a FWB/FB situation.

 

It was more than a casual sex kind of thing. Aside from sex, we both enjoyed similar music, tv shows, etc etc. We would do all kinds of things together, just like typical bf/gf's. As for not having sex, I could do it, though I can't speak for her. Also couldn't answer the five year question, because I'm just too damn myopic for that.

 

Anyway, what confuses me about this is, I didn't lack for affection nor in any way did I show a lack of interest in her -- quite the opposite. This then begs the question why she'd all of a sudden "end it" because I didn't bring up exclusivity even though I've shown interest and am clearly indicating that I want to spend time with her? Something about that just doesn't add up. Seems to me that a RATIONAL person would bring something like that up before just "ending it." No?

[edgygirl]

I have a feeling that the ambiguity of the relationship might be bothering her. Honestly I don't think she is the one who should bring up the bf/gf topic. Society or upbringing or biology whatever it is, makes us feel as if it's the guy's duty to bring it up. Of course there are exceptions where girls are comfortable doing it, but from my experience most prefer when the guy initiates "the talk". Otherwise we feel like we're emasculating the man and putting pressure on something that he doesn't really want. And frankly, when a guy doesn't do it at a time in the relationship where all things are pointing out to something beyond casual, it's a bit frustrating for a woman.

[clia]

This then begs the question why she'd all of a sudden "end it" because I didn't bring up exclusivity even though I've shown interest and am clearly indicating that I want to spend time with her? Something about that just doesn't add up. Seems to me that a RATIONAL person would bring something like that up before just "ending it." No?

 

You know, I'm not sure you aren't overreacting here. I jumped on you for not bringing up the exclusivity talk and forgot to address what is happening here.

 

I sent her a text yesterday asking her how her weekend was and when she'd be around this week. She responded 7 hours later, didn't answer the question about her weekend, and told me "so I'm not really sure when I'll be free. I'll be around Monday, Thursday, and Friday, but Saturday morning I have to leave early to go home."

 

The 7 hours could be nothing. Is it the first time this has happened? Maybe she fell asleep, was busy, didn't see the text message, saw it, and forgot about it for a few hours, etc....I don't know that you should freak out about it yet.

 

Basically, it sounded like I was not a priority at all to her, which just feels so strange after how well things have been going between us otherwise.

 

This is where I think you might be overreacting. Maybe her schedule is up in the air. I don't know -- is it? You should know if you are her unofficial boyfriend, right? She offered you three days she was free this week. That doesn't sound like lack of interest to me.

 

Typically, she would sound much more enthusiastic about getting together, and would pick a date.

 

Did you need a smiley face or something in the text? A cartwheel? LOL. I'm kidding, sort of. I don't get what you are upset about -- she offered you three days and was basically telling you to choose one.

 

She listed three potential nights, but didn't pick one, and was totally hazy about "not really being sure" when she'll be free.

 

In my opinion, if she didn't want to see you, she would have offered NO dates.

 

But it gets even weirder. I texted her back and told her "ok let me know" to which she responds just a couple minutes later that she brought back some pastries with her for me from home.

 

I don't think she would have brought you pastries if she didn't like you.

 

What gives? Seems like mixed messages to me, but maybe I'm just overreacting?

 

Sounds like maybe you are overreacting, and maybe you are the one having some doubts about the ambiguity? Why not just text her back and say "How about dinner on Thursday?" (Or Friday...whatever.) And then when you see her, bring up exclusivity? Problem solved.

[Cutiepie1976]

...

and then I asked if she was around during the upcoming weekend. She reminded me that she was going home but would be around Sunday. I told her I was hanging out with a buddy of mine on Sunday night, so we agreed that we'd hang out the following week.

....

 

I'll be around Monday, Thursday, and Friday, but Saturday morning I have to leave early to go home."

...

 

...she brought back some pastries with her for me from home...

 

It's now been over a week since I've seen her, and if I don't end up seeing her this week, it'll turn into 3 weeks...

 

I'm totally confused now. I was under the impression she was travelling some distance when she went home. If she lives 15 minutes from you, why were you unable to see each other at any point that weekend? Why is it taking a week, now three weeks, to see each other. I feel as if I'm missing a piece of the puzzle here.

 

Out of curiosity, when was the last time you guys had a Friday/Saturday date?

[BenH1000]

I'm totally confused now. I was under the impression she was travelling some distance when she went home. If she lives 15 minutes from you, why were you unable to see each other at any point that weekend? Why is it taking a week, now three weeks, to see each other. I feel as if I'm missing a piece of the puzzle here.

 

Out of curiosity, when was the last time you guys had a Friday/Saturday date?

 

Ahhh -- right, she went home to her parent's house. My error.

 

But to answer your other question, we went out on Friday the 8th -- last time we went out on a Fri/Sat. Was a fantastic date too.

[BenH1000]

This is where I think you might be overreacting. Maybe her schedule is up in the air. I don't know -- is it? You should know if you are her unofficial boyfriend, right? She offered you three days she was free this week. That doesn't sound like lack of interest to me.

 

Correction: she mentioned three days that she doesn't know whether or not she'll be free. I wasn't clear about that in the first post. And of course I understand if she has other things going on, but it just seemed that, based on the history of our relationship, she would have been a bit less "meh" about getting together. But I could be reading too much into it...

 

 

In my opinion, if she didn't want to see you, she would have offered NO dates.

 

True, but on the same token, if she REALLY wanted to see me, she would have said "how about Thursday?" instead of "well, I don't know when I'll be around..."

 

 

 

I don't think she would have brought you pastries if she didn't like you.

 

Agreed here, which is why I just feel even more confused.

 

 

 

Sounds like maybe you are overreacting, and maybe you are the one having some doubts about the ambiguity? Why not just text her back and say "How about dinner on Thursday?" (Or Friday...whatever.) And then when you see her, bring up exclusivity? Problem solved.

 

I could certainly be overreacting. I'm hesitant to text her with a plan just because the ball is in her court right now and I want to give her the space she needs to figure out what she wants and if/when she wants to get together again. I think reaching out to her at this point would be a bit clingy of me.

[Cutiepie1976]

I understand that when you are together things seem wonderful and perfect to you with fantastic dates. Still three months in, I have to admit it's unusual to have an ambiguous semi-relationship, go a week or more between dates when you live so close together, and essentially have occasional texts as your connection...unless as another poster mentioned, the goal is an FWB/FB/casual arrangement.

 

How was your interaction when she dropped off the pastries from home?

 

How old are you both? Is this your typical pattern of progressing a relationship? Has this pace worked for you in the past?

 

Sorry for all the questions. Just trying to understand why things progressed so slowly and casually if you were genuinely interested in more...

[BenH1000]

I understand that when you are together things seem wonderful and perfect to you with fantastic dates. Still three months in, I have to admit it's unusual to have an ambiguous semi-relationship, go a week or more between dates when you live so close together, and essentially have occasional texts as your connection...unless as another poster mentioned, the goal is an FWB/FB/casual arrangement.

 

How was your interaction when she dropped off the pastries from home?

 

How old are you both? Is this your typical pattern of progressing a relationship? Has this pace worked for you in the past?

 

Sorry for all the questions. Just trying to understand why things progressed so slowly and casually if you were genuinely interested in more...

 

*UPDATE* She called me last night...and everything is fine! I was totally overreacting. I'm such a doofus sometimes. Anyway, we had an awesome, 20-minute phone call (longest we've ever had, and pretty much the first over a minute in length). We're getting together this Friday...

 

...which leads me to asking how I should go about bringing up exclusivity? I want to tread softly but I think it's time we had our first "discussion". What should I say/how should I proceed?

[TG1]

Yes I agree, give her space