Other reasons...

[frozensprouts]

there's a lot of threads on here right now that seem to be about why lack of sex could make someone cheat...( or at least explain why they made that choice)...

 

while i figure that lack of sex may the the explanation that some would give for their choice, I would assume that there must be other reasons besides that...

 

what are some reasons other than lack of sex?

 

( in other words, if you cheated , or if your spouse cheated on you, what were the reasons, and what do you or your spouse do to address these issues before the cheating took place? did the cheating actually solve any of those problems? )

Edited December 18, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added other than a lack of sex

[frozensprouts]

We did not have the lack of sex issue. My husband's issue was that he is always trying to be perfect in life and by having his dirty little secret (his words), he was able to let go of that need to be a perfectionist in all aspects of his life. I never wanted him to be a saint, just a normal man but he didn't see that. He's an overachiever and was always putting unnecessary pressure on himself

 

So it was all his own issues; nothing to do with me or our marriage.

 

i ca relate that it had nothing really to do with me or our marriage...

 

in some ways, maybe it would have been easier if it had, as i could have done something about it, or changed what was creating the problem...but i couldn't...all i could do was be supportive and let my husband know that I'd still be here for him while he worked out his issues for himself...

 

( we're like you as in well in that sex wasn't the problem for us...our problems were very different, and that's part of why I started this thread, for people who's problems weren't related to sex)

[Realist3]

I don't think I can point to any specific reason except the whole relationship itself. And there was no effort by either party to make it any better. We came to a point where we were just co-existing. The spark left many years ago. We grew apart. If we were to meet for the first time tomorrow there would be no way in hell we would hook up.

[frozensprouts]

I don't think I can point to any specific reason except the whole relationship itself. And there was no effort by either party to make it any better. We came to a point where we were just co-existing. The spark left many years ago. We grew apart. If we were to meet for the first time tomorrow there would be no way in hell we would hook up.

 

thanks for the honesty...it's appreciated

[beenburned]

Sex has never been a problem for us. It has averaged twice a week for our entire marriage.

 

My H was very young and immature when he cheated. Almost all of his co-workers were cheating on their wives.(ONS with bar hook ups or FB at work) They convinced him as long as the wives didn't find out, it was O.K.

 

He had sex with 3 different OW before d-day happened. All the co-workers's wives caught them and filed for divorce. They called me and told me what all they had been up to, including my H.

 

We had a happy marriage with 2 beautiful children, a new home, cars, etc.

He was the one with the problem. He worked hard at changing his bad behaviors, including not hanging out with people who thought cheating was O.K.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

This might be more detail than you were asking for, but here it is:

 

For my wife's affair it was NOT about sex or lack thereof. In fact sex was something we did very well together throughout our relationship. I was doing everything I knew how to be a good husband. I was not abusive. I was not a drunk or an addict. I would say that her affair had very little to do with me, but had everything to do with her. She chose to shut me out. She chose to cheat and lie.

 

She had an affair because she wanted to. It's really that simple, isn't it?

 

My wife had an affair for the combination of these factors:

1 - Conflict avoidance - She built up resentment instead of voicing her feelings and needs

2 - She had difficulty in asking for something (especially her needs and wants in a relationship)

3 - We had two different styles of communication. Her's was not to "debate" where mine included a dialogue (which she saw as 'debating') of discussing cost/benefit of decisions. This ties into #1.

4 - She did not understand the importance of boundaries. As a sexy 20-something women she naively thought she could be buddy-buddy with a single handsome 20-something guy from work.

5 - She had low self-esteem and liked the attention she got from other men, even though she didn't recognize it at the time.

6 - She had always been the responsible first-born child. The A gave her an escape from being the "good girl". She lived at home and worked her way through college. She never had any "crazy" years that many us of experience during our early 20's.

7 - Our marriage had just reached the 2-yr mark where the reality of marriage and being responsible adults became real. The affair was a way to rebel from the seriousness of marriage, paying the mortgage, paying two car payments, paying the utility bills, starting two budding careers, etc.

8 - At the time I was traveling on a regular basis which created an excuse to go out socially (w/o me), and the opportunity to spend time with OM (see #4).

 

As newlyweds there was a lot of room for improvement in our marriage. My view of the marriage was much rosier than hers. This is mostly due to the fact that she would not communicate with me anything that might turn into a confrontation or argument. She had a mindset of "If I truly loved her, then I would know what she wants. Having to ask for something diminishes the value."

 

We could have addressed her issues in a more positive way (i.e. MC), but she was raised to keep things private and not to ask outsiders for help. She really didn't recognize the problems within our marriage until after she fell into the Affair Fog. Once she fell for the OM, then she magnified the cracks and flaws in our marriage, my personality, and my extended family. Yes, I became the mortal enemy within a week's worth of time.

 

We discovered and addressed these and many more issues during marriage counseling.

 

Both my parents and her parents are both still married. However, neither set of parents ever argued (or had serious discussions) in front of their children. Myself and my siblings did not learn how to address and resolve conflict because our parents didn't teach us. As a result, my view of marriage was skewed in an unrealistic way. The same for her family.

[Decorative]

My spouse had a very very cold upbringing, although on paper, it looks perfect. But his parents are withholding and disapproving and strangely detached.

 

My spouse is a high achiever, on every level. Everything he has ever touched - he has mastered and then gone further.

 

His affair was a Knight In Shining Armor type of affair- with a much younger woman ( who looks like me)- but who is very much Pittman's described dumsel in distress. She was very very troubled, and had few real life connections, because people were tired of her constant complaints and illnesses and prior bad decisions.

 

The dynamic between the two of them was total adoration towards him for doing the most basic things for her ( which eventually morphed into big things- like rent, a boob job, car payment, apartment). I am an equal to him- I love and cherish him, but he is not on a pedestal with me- he is my partner, not a father figure or benefactor. That being said- I was always kind and loving. I can count on one hand the number of arguments we ever had prior to his affair. We had some major stressors - the loss of a child, parental illness, and we handled them differently. I sought help for those issues. He looked elsewhere to fill that hole inside him.

 

He used her to fill his bucket with a hole in the bottom of it of need for attention.

 

When the affair ended- and he got help- and finally understood the dynamic that led to his choices, and how it all worked, he saw the whole thing differently.

[underwater2010]

Our was a living as roommates issue. He still got sex, but was missing me in his arms every night. Maybe a little bit of too much free time. Did the A cure it....NO. What cured it was me quiting my overnight job and finding something a little more compatable to his day job.

[Decorative]

Did he have sex with the OW, or not?

 

I'm really getting confused about all this.

 

These affairs may be about other things as well, but at their core, they involve illicit sexual relations outside the marriage.

 

For some reason there seems to be a lot of denial revolving around the recognition that these affairs usually involve seeking sex outside the marriage.

 

No one wants to be made to feel sexually inadequate because of their spouse's cheating but when they come home at 3 a.m. they haven't been playing checkers all night long have they?

 

yes. In another thread today- I discussed that. They did have sex. They were together for multiple years. She was ill frequently and in the hospital a lot. She also had a lot of issues with her lady parts that made sex painful ( unfortunately- in the course of discovery I saw things that were burned into my eyes forever- but she had lots of medical things wrong with her).

 

Their affair was not based on sex, though as emotional closeness developed, they did have sex. But he was not seeking her out for sex. we have always had a full and active sex life. She actually called me a slut in correspondence to him because of the frequency we had sex. LOL

 

I am not in any kind of denial. But thank you.

 

*eta There is nothing, nothing at all, sexually inadequate about me. LOL

Edited December 18, 2012 by Decorative

[wanting more]

I was very lonely! My SO and I rarely did anything outside as a couple. If we did go somewhere he'd get bored quickly. I like to dance, he doesn't. I like to drink to feel a little tipsy, he thinks if you drink, you need to get falling down drunk, I'm spontaneous, he's not, I like to stay up late, he goes to bed at 8. I like to fool around in bed for a long time, he doesn't. In the year before my A, when we had sex, literally from the time he rolled over to "signal" me we were going to have sex till the time he rolled over after being done was no more than 5 minutes. LITERALLY!!!

 

I was lonely. XMM felt like my friend, my confidante, my lover (the sex was amazing, no less than an hour each time)

He liked to dance, he liked to enjoy a few drinks, be understood completely if I'd had a bad day at work (we used to work together) if at the last minute when we were out I'd change plans to do something else, he'd happily agree

 

What did we do before the A to look at our issues??

We went to counseling, my SO figured the counselor would see that I'm the crazy one and my SO could just continue on and I'd have to fix "my" issues, after about 6 or 8 sessions, when my SO realized the counselor did not diagnose me as insane, my SO refused to go.

 

Man can I pick em

[frozensprouts]

I was very lonely! My SO and I rarely did anything outside as a couple. If we did go somewhere he'd get bored quickly. I like to dance, he doesn't. I like to drink to feel a little tipsy, he thinks if you drink, you need to get falling down drunk, I'm spontaneous, he's not, I like to stay up late, he goes to bed at 8. I like to fool around in bed for a long time, he doesn't. In the year before my A, when we had sex, literally from the time he rolled over to "signal" me we were going to have sex till the time he rolled over after being done was no more than 5 minutes. LITERALLY!!!

 

I was lonely. XMM felt like my friend, my confidante, my lover (the sex was amazing, no less than an hour each time)

He liked to dance, he liked to enjoy a few drinks, be understood completely if I'd had a bad day at work (we used to work together) if at the last minute when we were out I'd change plans to do something else, he'd happily agree

 

What did we do before the A to look at our issues??

We went to counseling, my SO figured the counselor would see that I'm the crazy one and my SO could just continue on and I'd have to fix "my" issues, after about 6 or 8 sessions, when my SO realized the counselor did not diagnose me as insane, my SO refused to go.

 

Man can I pick em

 

thanks for the response...i hope you can move on and find happiness in your life

[seren]

In the year before H's affair our relationship changed. He was away a lot in the military, I was away a lot because my career had taken off and I worked like a fiend. We had begun to lose the thing that makes us, us. I had serious health problems, H was stressed because of his job and it all made for a marriage without a relationship, if that makes sense. Sex wasn't always possible because I was having chemo but we still had intimacy. H and I had always had a wonderful sex life prior to this, not perhaps hanging from the lampshade, but adventurous and both game to try whatever the other desired.

 

The last Iraq tour he came home a very different man, he began the A not long after he came home. With hindsight I should have noticed he was stressed, I asked him what was wrong, what to do, was there someone else, much like most of us and like most of us was told nothing, no one and was waiting for him to open up and tell me. I lived with a total stranger for a while, he became distant, picking arguments and pushing me away telling me he was a bad man and would be better off without him. TBH, at times I thought we were done and that broke my heart because I have always been in love with him. It was ironic that my job at the time involved helping people in turmoil and yet I could do nothing to help him.

 

The A was pretty sordid, and no, I am not in denial, I have it all from both he and the OW and frankly why she stuck around I will never understand, but she was in a bad place in her marriage. From H's journals and the counselling by the Vet agency I have learned that H had gone on patrol in Iraq on three separate occasions and had his colleagues and men he was responsible for, blown up or shot in front of him. He had to wear his bloody uniform for 10 days at one point and said that tipped him over the edge. He came home and I had cancer and needed chemo, he felt he didn't deserve happiness or me and our relationship and so he pushed me and us away.

 

The OW, sadly, was the victim of domestic abuse and she had always had a thing for H, they met for time in a hotel in the afternoon for what I can only describe as destructive sex, both for her and him. I have it from her that most times H couldn't get aroused, what they shared is not what I describe as an A for love or like, but an escape and validation that both were deserving of less than - it truly was bad for both. It became almost a self fulfilling prophecy type thing as in, I am bad, I don't serve happiness, look at me doing bad things, I am bad etc

 

Thing is, I and H have disagreed about how badly he treated the OW, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. A's aren't all about sex and laughs, I told H I could understand more if he had loved, I get that, I would have understood that better, even had it been for sex I would understand, but it took a lot of understanding and counselling from the Vet agency and reading his journal to finally understand it was because he was broken and felt not good enough. But I will add that if we hadn't had those underlying problems before it might never have manifested as an A.

[JamesM]

If I can make a comment even though you know why I would have chosen an affair (lack of sex), then I would say that based on my research here and on other boards....

 

Many (I would say Most, but BH doesn't like that ) men seek out affairs because of sex or boredom. It could be a lack of sex, or it could be the thrill of new sex, or simply the variety of having sex with another woman. Some of that boils down to an ego validation, and some is simply a hunger for sex. Men being men...sometimes sex is also a reason to cover that they really wanted a closeness with a woman.

 

Men seek out affairs out of boredom. Men like to have hobbies and such for enjoyment or excitement. When they don't pour their energies into a good thing, they may seek out something that will be bad. An affair is one of these things.

 

Women seem to seek out an affair for an emotional connection. They may like the validation of a man's attention and they may like the sexual intimacy, but it seems more often that they want an emotional closeness. My own wife says that she could not have sex with someone else because she knows it would hurt me. The only kind of affair she would be in would be with a guy who appreciated her personality and listened to her. She wants a close emotional connection with me, and if that disappeared, the she would be more vulnerable to an affair. It would never be about sex...even if it happened.

 

Again, mine doesn't come from a personal experience. It comes from what I think would cause me to get into an affair and what my wife has said would cause her to get into an affair. Oddly, the part that would keep me from an affair is developing an emotional closeness with someone other than my wife, while for her it would "disgust" her to have sex with anyone but me.

 

And as it would hurt me for her to have sex with another guy, so it would hurt her if she no longer was my emotional confidant and intimate friend.

[Stephanie]

*** Moderators Note ***

 

The OP specifically said that this thread was about affairs where lack of sex was NOT the reason for the affair.

 

Let's keep it to the topic.

 

Thanks

[GLDheart]

We were having regular sex right up until the end. I boil the problems down to a few issues:

 

1. I worked too much. 6 days a week minimum. 65+ hours. I was making six figures and knew it was an investment in our future. I thought we could get through it. I was wrong.

 

2. A Cute guy at her work (9 years younger than me) took a liking to her and she returned the crush.

 

3. We had a 3 year old daughter, a mega mortgage, a car that needed replacing, and umpteen other bills stressing me out... her only real financial worry was "let me buy my cigarettes and beer" ---- I felt like I was the only one willing to step up and handle this and I think I was resenting her for it.

 

4. She has inherently VERY low self esteem. Her mother is a control freak that raised her with insults, mistrust, and manipulation. I taught her how to stand up for herself.... but she remained very passive aggressive. She avoided conflict and our life together was peppered with a thousand little white lies.

 

---- Somehow though we pulled it all off. We were a great couple, madly in love, and building a life together. 10 Years we lasted... until:

 

5. I put a ring on her finger. Suddenly, it was time to grow up. I had been her entire adult life (we got together when she was 20)... I believe she suddenly felt like the walls were closing in... Her "youth" was slipping away.

 

 

I believe her affair was a passive aggressive attack on me for all the thousand little arguments over bills or me coming home to her drunk one more time etc...

 

I believe her affair was about the excitement of a new (younger) man's attention at a time when she's feeling like an "old settled down mom".

 

I believe her affair was about "one last surge of fun" before the walls of marriage locked her down.

 

 

8 months later, this is all still really painful stuff to write down. I blame myself for being blind to the storm that was brewing. I blame myself for deciding that "we" were strong enough to get through the long work hours. I blame myself for being so stupid to think she would never cheat on me... on our family and life together.. on my little girl's daddy. She pulled the pin on a grenade and handed it to me. I struggle to be at peace with this.

Edited December 18, 2012 by GLDheart

[flattened]

In my case, it was really a search for intimacy and emotional connectedness. My wife and I had an ok sex life, not great, not bad. The strange thing is, even when the sex was good, it left me feeling unsatisfied emotionally. It's hard to describe, the best I can do is say that my wife never made me feel like she really really wanted me. That she enjoyed the way I made her feel, but that's about it.

 

The strange thing is that I never had sex with the OW, we just kissed and fondled a bit. Not that I didn't want to, but we both felt it was wrong. Ha. Anyway, I felt much more emotionally satisfied holding her and kissing her and talking to her than having sex with my wife.

 

The affair is over. The OW didn't feel as strongly about me as I did about her, so she ended it when I started getting serious about leaving my marriage. But my marriage is pretty much over too, I just can't reconnect with my wife. So I'll end up suitably punished for my actions.

[beenburned]

nofoolforyou,

 

My grown D just divorced her H on the grounds of adultery.

 

The 2 OW provided most of the proof she needed for court. He spent a lot of marital money on these OW.(2 cars, a beach timeshare condo, lots of jewelry, entertainment, etc)

 

My D also proved fraud, as he stole from her personal bank accounts when his money ran out, took out loans she knew nothing about, and maxed out credit cards.

 

She was awarded child support, alimony(based on the fraud), and her lawyer fees paid. She retained her home and land, as it was all pre-marital property.

All he left with was his personal possessions that he brought into the marriage.

[beenburned]

Wanted to add that her H never lacked for sex at home. It was not his reason to cheat!

[Radagast]

there's a lot of threads on here right now that seem to be about why lack of sex could make someone cheat...( or at least explain why they made that choice)...

 

while i figure that lack of sex may the the explanation that some would give for their choice, I would assume that there must be other reasons besides that...

 

what are some reasons other than lack of sex?

 

( in other words, if you cheated , or if your spouse cheated on you, what were the reasons, and what do you or your spouse do to address these issues before the cheating took place? did the cheating actually solve any of those problems? )

 

Lack of sex alone would not have "caused" me to cheat. I think the predominant reason that led to my being vulnerable to an affair was a lack of connection, care, intimacy and respect in my marriage. I felt that I was simply tolerated in order to bring in money, fix things around the house, cook meals, ferry the kids around, provide some social standing for the family and provide an extended family for the kids. I had spent so many years, decades, investing in trying to create a safe, happy, comfortable environment for my wife and later kids that I thought at some time it must surely start to pay off, there must surely be some positives to be had from it all but it seemed like a never-ending drain of energy and resources and positivity. Nothing was ever good enough, and every morning I'd stare into my eyes and feel shocked by the depth of the sadness in them.

 

Before the affair, I had tried to address my unhappiness. I was always told that my feelings were invalid, that the marriage was fine because she was happy, that I was very lucky to have her because no one else would want me, that I should be grateful for what I had. She refused to consider marriage counselling and told me to stop wallowing in my misery.

 

What did she do? She then decided she was not happy and moved out. It felt like when you stop banging your head against a wall and I started noticing I felt happier, I found myself smiling and singing and a weight fell from my shoulders. But she was not happy and fell apart and the kids were traumatised, so when she begged to come back I agreed, on condition she would go with me to marriage counselling. She did, once, and then walked out. Everything quickly went back to how it had been once before and I felt really trapped. I wished I had not taken her back but the kids had been so unhappy and I thought I just had to stick it out for their sakes, never mind how unhappy I was. I tried hard to hang onto the things that had made me happy while we were separated, but when I sang in the house I was told to stop because it was ugly and tuneless, if I smiled I was asked "what was so funny", if I took pleasure in anything I was asked why I was so stupid. So bit by bit I stopped trying, too, though I did try with the kids because they were still having real problems at school and socially.

 

Did the cheating solve any of the problems? Yes it did. I found love and respect and caring and intimacy with someone who was interested in me as a person, not just what I could do for her. I learned to laugh again and be happy, and colour returned to my life. She taught me better ways of relating to my kids and how to help them with their issues, and she gave me a reason to feel positive about life. She renewed my interest in my work, and she introduced me to many new things that make my life so much richer. Loving, and being loved, especially by someone I could respect and admire and who would allow me to cherish her slowly healed me, and I sought counselling to help me address the issues that kept me trapped in the marriage for so long.

[2.50 a gallon]

The root of our problem was money. We moved across country where she took a high paying career job after getting her college degree. The trade that I was in, in almost every case the new hirers have to take a night position until a day job opens up. I was offered such a job which would have brought in much more money than she was making. But she objected to being a newly wed and having to spend her nights alone while I worked, so I took a day job that paid less than half of what I could have been making

 

At her new job there were several OM's who had taken an EST like training and they constantly pressured her to take the training. They were also trying to get in her britches. The training would have cost us in excess of a grand, and we were already deeply in debt from moving and getting married and setting up a new house. So I objected to us spending that kind of money. She began listening to the OM's, most of whom were married, and began twisting everything I said or did. It was her money, therefore I was a control freak, and what say did I have how she spent what she earned?

 

According to their doctrine, "You always get what you want!" If you want to get rich, begin by acting like you are rich and begin spending accordingly, and money will naturally flow to you. HUNH?

 

When she began listening to them I was put into a no win situation.

 

Another example: One ILY per day and I was portrayed as none caring, he has commitment problems, but two ILY's in a day showed that I was clingy, and trying to smother her.

 

As for the sex department, that was never a problem. She was a good 4 inches taller than me, and when we first started dating purchased a set of custom T-shirts for us. Her said "Short Guys are Lovers, with an arrow pointing towards her right as I was usually on her right side, and mine said "Short Guy"

 

When people, whom we had just met, asked her what she saw in a short skinny guy, she always replied, that it was only my legs and body that were short and skinny. And that I was one of the rare ones that knew how to use it. She would also brag on Monday that I had "F'd" her brains out over the weekend

 

The break up according to her, was one of the pretty boy body building guards she worked with was constantly bragging about his equipment. And to shut him up, somehow, drawing straws, whatever, she took a dare to find out just how large he was over the lunch hour. And that is when I made my surprise visit, caught her and showed her coworker I was no wimp by calling her every name in the book and telling her not to come home that night.

 

Having no other place to go she spent the night with the OM, and then moved in with him. Until 3 weeks later when she realized that I too had broken our vows and slept with another woman the previous evening. When she totally lost it and began begging me to take her back

 

She shouldn't have bragged to her co-workers, as once we were broken up she began to come around to find out if she was right. Including some of the OM's wives.

 

A couple of times I was able to point out to the OM's that they must have wanted me to sleep with their wives and you get what you want.

[carhill]

what are some reasons other than lack of sex?

 

Constructive and apparent emotional and practical abandonment.

 

Missed the questions below, so ETA:

 

what do you or your spouse do to address these issues before the cheating took place? did the cheating actually solve any of those problems?

 

I communicated in clear words what I needed for a couple years. Oddly, though we did divorce, the affair did, towards the end, cause my exW to be a smidge more supportive, but that may have been because she had a guy of her own. Hard to know. So, affair led to counseling led to divorce led to peace. Problem solved.

Edited December 19, 2012 by carhill

[Rager50]

My H is never satisfied - there's always something better out there. He never takes the time to look at what he has, and be grateful, or value it - he gets things, gets bored, discards them for something better. He was incredibly spoiled by his parents (and that continues to this day). In some ways this can serve him well - he's pretty high-achieving professionally, never does things half-way, etc. Unfortunately, this is pretty damaging in personal relationships - lots of money issues (gotta have the latest toys), emotional withholding, etc.

 

Take that general character flaw and add some insecurity (wife just got promoted; same career) - that was our recipe for disaster. He found a better toy (ha!) for the moment, at least. In the sunlight, she didn't seem so great, but by then, the deed was done.

 

Sex was never an issue for us. It certainly wasn't THE issue.