Wnderingthenextsteps Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 New here but would like some advice. I have been with my significant other for almost five years now. We have one child together and became engaged the beginning of last year. My SO recently got a new job in another state, right before we were to be married and had to relocate but said we should continue with the wedding. I was planning on relocating about a year after the wedding as I am stuck in a lease and trying to save money/look for job in the new location. Two weeks before the wedding my SO then started having an extreme case of cold feet. It got to the point where he wanted to call it off and cited "meeting someone" as a sign that he wasn't ready to get married. Other reasons included our increased fighting, money arguments, etc. After a lot of back and forth conversation, tears from him (and me), we agreed to get married and not mail in the license until we saw a counselor. Our wedding was paid for by us and we felt we could work things out so no use on losing the money we spent. The wedding was beautiful, we had a great time with our family and friends but after the wedding he became distant. A few days I asked him what was up and he responded with "I love you but I am not in love with you." So I made him move his things out of my house and go back to his house in the other state. Days after, he was keeping up the charade that we were still married, posting thank yous to our guests. on Facebook and wearing his ring. He called or text me daily, using our child as an excuse to make little conversation. Then a week ago, he text me lyrics to the song "Tears Always Win" and told me that if I wanted, he believes it would be good to spend Christmas together. I told him that if we weren't in a relationship, it would not be a good idea as I don't want to be led on. I asked him what he wanted from me and he said he wasn't sure. He was really confused and had a lot of doubts and regrets about things he could have done differently. He felt that maybe us seeing each other, dating and taking things slowly could bring us back to the relationship level we had. I told him I deserved more than that as I am the mother of his child and we literally just got married. If he was confused then so be it, but I wanted my family together. If he doesn't want the same then I am moving on. I really do want to see him and spend Christmas together as a family but I can't do it if he doesn't want to work this out. I think he is lonely right now, guess things with the new girl didn't amount to anything or he realizes that 2 weeks can not give him what 5 years did. And I am not going to be a place holder until he finds who he is looking for, or realizes it has been me all along. He has yet to respond to my last statement to him. I am sure this is hurting him as he is really emotional about this all but he is the one doing this. I am his second girlfriend ever so maybe he doesn't realize that if he wants me, he has to do everything possible to get me back. I am not going to make this easy for him, even though it hurts me as well. We have the marriage part settled for now. I called the Town Clerk and explained the situation so I have the legal advice I need for that. I am asking for advice on what I should be doing now going forward. I want him back but he is the one who said he wasn't in love with me. Maybe time and space will help him figure it out?
in_absentia Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 So after five years of dating, having a child and getting married, he proceeds to tell you 'I love you, I'm just not in love with you' and wants to try and scale things back to casual dating to try and re-establish the spark!? This guy is an utter mess, and will **** you about for as long as you allow him to. Run, don't walk. You've done well to tell him to get out, and to tell him you're not going to wait around and be led on, so stick with it. If he felt he'd made a mistake he would be begging for you to reconsider him as a husband, not suggesting you casually date. Seriously, if he's like this now at the start of married life do you think it's ever going to get any better?
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