c.long Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 After a short five to six months of dating, my boyfriend began to bring up the topic of marriage. He had already casually tossed it around a few times, "when we get married this, when we get married that" "can we have this at our future house?" so on and so forth. Well, none of this 'cute' little jibber-jabber bothered me, but when he TEXTED me one night saying ''I think we should get hitched one day, what do you think?" I was naturally taken aback. First, by the fact that he brought this up via text, and second, that he said it at all. Later that evening I called him to get a better understanding of what exactly he was trying to say, he went on to state that he, ''thinks I'm the only chance he has at being happily married, wants to give up on relationships if we don't work out, blah blah blah'', as well as ask me ''whether or not [he] should ask somebody for my hand''. When we saw each other again, I tried to ask him about the conversation so that I could gauge whether or not he was serious or if he had just thrown back a few and was talking out of a whiskey bottle. He's not an alcoholic or anything, but yall know how men have a few every once in a while. Turns out he had been drinking, and ''meant everything he said'', but was just trying to say marriage is a ''possibility''. This obviously hurt my feelings because I feel like he shouldn't bring stuff like that up to that serious a degree if he doesn't REALLY mean it. I understand that when you're dating you have to figure out if your partner has similar goals/desires, but goodness gracious! The man asked me if he needed to ask anybody for my hand?!?! That just makes everything too real to a woman. That makes marriage seem imminent, not possible. I finally told him that I just didn't want to talk about marriage unless he was really serious about what he was saying, because I didn't want him to hurt my feelings like that again and cause me to push myself away from him. Low and behold, two weeks later, he's asking me what kind of engagement/wedding rings I like. Perfect. Yet another telephone conversation about marriage-related ordeals. I tried to veer away from this subject, but he was on a computer looking at rings and asking me about cuts. So blah blah blah engagement ring conversation blah blah blah. Then he says, ''Now, I was just making conversation since we didn't have anything to talk about, so don't be gaming anything.'' Hahahaha don't be gaming anything. Grreaat. Now he hurt my feeling AND I want to shank him. Gosh, sometimes men are so dumb. Anyway, after this I tried to let it go, but wound up becoming increasingly agitated, so being a crazy girlfriend I called him. Once again I explained that the more he dangles this marriage 'bait' in front of my face to see if I want to bite, the less I want to bite it. Ultimately, he agreed to drop the subject. Again. And, since then, he has. All of this happened about a month and a half ago. My main concerns and reasons for even posting this are: What is wrong with me that it still upsets me? Why can I not just let it go? Although I spoke to him about him talking so seriously about marriage (seriously in the sense that he was making me believe that he was serious) - and he stopped so that I wouldn't become distant from him, I find that I keep growing more and more distant. How do I stop myself from doing this? Footnote: I know it sounds like we were moving fast, but we knew each other and were good friends for 3 years before we dated. Just throwing that out there so yall don't think we're immature and trying to get married yesterday after meeting each other tomorrow or something.
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 So - do you WANT this guy to seriously propose marriage to you, and if he did, would you accept?
Brit Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Sounds flighty. What were his past relationships like? This may clue you into what type of game he may or may not be playing.
FitChick Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 How old are you two? The younger you are, the longer you should wait. Reassure him that you don't want to date anyone else but you want to get to know him better and for him to know you better because you believe marriage is forever. 1
Author c.long Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 So - do you WANT this guy to seriously propose marriage to you, and if he did, would you accept? Mme. Before all of this I knew it was early, but I also thought that I'd like to end up with him proposing one day. Not that soon, of course. But once he brought all of this up, I found myself wondering if I'd still want that. I feel like a crazy girlfriend, haha! But, to me it feels like broken trust - how do I know when he's serious or not in what he says? If I'm wrong in feeling this way please just tell me!
Author c.long Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 Sounds flighty. What were his past relationships like? This may clue you into what type of game he may or may not be playing. His past relationships were even shorter than this one! I know, I've thought it may be a red flag, but I wanted to give him a chance. I don't think he's a player, and I think he's a genuine person. I just don't know. It's as if he wants marriage, but is such a commitment-phobe he can't let himself go there. That's the scary part, I think.
Author c.long Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 How old are you two? The younger you are, the longer you should wait. Reassure him that you don't want to date anyone else but you want to get to know him better and for him to know you better because you believe marriage is forever. He is 27, and I'm 22. I know I'm very young to be talking this serious, and I know everyone says this - but, I truly am more mature than most people my age.
Treasa Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 He is 27, and I'm 22. I know I'm very young to be talking this serious, and I know everyone says this - but, I truly am more mature than most people my age. You are, and you're hysterical. LOL I love the way you write. Anyway, I think he might be a commitmentphobe. I think a little distance is a good thing, honestly. Until you can really figure him out, you might want to make things more casual with him.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Just because he's entertaining the idea, does not mean he is serious. The way he goes about bringing up the idea of marriage makes methink he's emotionally immature; willing to entertain the idea but unwilling to go through with it. At 27, he may still be emotionally immature. People need to be financially and emotionally secure at a certain age before they even contemplate about marriage. And for a man to be serious, he would make it special moment for the girl he loves, but asking for her opinions about ring size.
Author c.long Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 And for a man to be serious, he would make it special moment for the girl he loves, but asking for her opinions about ring size. Can you explain what you mean here? Should I assume that because he was asking me what type of ring I like that he doesn't actually love me? I feel like that my be a little far fetched. I agree with the emotional immaturity on this matter, though.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Can you explain what you mean here? Should I assume that because he was asking me what type of ring I like that he doesn't actually love me? I feel like that my be a little far fetched. I agree with the emotional immaturity on this matter, though. Toying with an idea is not the same as planning one and going through with it. In what way has he said he was ready to settle down with you? Has he the financial means to support a family? What's his job? Has he met your family? Have you met his family? Alot of factors have to come into play for a marriage to happen. And yes, he is emotionally immature. He is like a kid in a candy store. The idea of marriage is fresh but a little more time, and he would've have moved on to thinking about something else.
Author c.long Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 Toying with an idea is not the same as planning one and going through with it. In what way has he said he was ready to settle down with you? Has he the financial means to support a family? What's his job? Has he met your family? Have you met his family? Alot of factors have to come into play for a marriage to happen. And yes, he is emotionally immature. He is like a kid in a candy store. The idea of marriage is fresh but a little more time, and he would've have moved on to thinking about something else. Yeah, I hear you on toying vs planning. I just thought that with those types of questions he would be planing lol. I guess my naivety got me burned this time around. To answer your questions...we often comment on what we'd like in the future. He'll make comments on where he wants to live (we're from different states, so where as in which state), what my family will be like (again, different states so they haven't met), how many kids, how to raise them, stuff like that. He's taking me home to meet his family this Christmas, so I'll have met them by next week. He is financially secure, and does have a good steady job. I see all of this as prep for marriage, and I'm okay with talking about it these ways. I'm just not okay with him asking me whose permission to ask for my hand and what sort of ring I like because, really, that does make it seem a little more real than he had obviously intended.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Yeah, I hear you on toying vs planning. I just thought that with those types of questions he would be planing lol. I guess my naivety got me burned this time around. To answer your questions...we often comment on what we'd like in the future. He'll make comments on where he wants to live (we're from different states, so where as in which state), what my family will be like (again, different states so they haven't met), how many kids, how to raise them, stuff like that. He's taking me home to meet his family this Christmas, so I'll have met them by next week. He is financially secure, and does have a good steady job. I see all of this as prep for marriage, and I'm okay with talking about it these ways. I'm just not okay with him asking me whose permission to ask for my hand and what sort of ring I like because, really, that does make it seem a little more real than he had obviously intended. At this point, I think you should put this behind you, until a later date. Because from the sounds of things, while he may be financially secure, he is still jumping on the gun with marriage, especially planting the idea in your head. Let it go, and chalk it up to him being playful. The worst thing that can happen is if you let your thoughts run asunder and take things out of proportion. 1
todreaminblue Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 i dotn think you should ask fro soemoen to marry you over text message its not very special a bit off hand which i regard his whole attitude to marriage as.....whthr o rnot he admits he basically did ask you to marry him and then when back to possibility marriage is eternal it isnt to be taken lightly.....its nto just a day fo a white dress and empty vows...it is a symbol of union that should not be broken.....the posiibility fo marriage....there is no possibility with marriage only should be in your gut certainty you want to live with that person for the rest of your life for better or worse.......through all that person is with you forever.... i knwo marriages fail i am a romantic realist.....but unless its infedility or serious abuse tell em a problem that cant be worked out.... i think i twas off hand and if somebody said a possibility i would say im not into that possibility would rather know for sure before i even talk of marriage its a life long commitment..i would suggest talk to em when he had a definite idea on the subject....would i sacrifice and compromise....yes ........in a relationship i always do ...but i wont compromise with bluffs off hand comments and possibility ...life wasnt meant to eb a possibility neither is marriage.....you live it with no off hand attitude....you try to do the best you can a maybe is not the best you can....its a maybe we can....not a promise....marriage is meant to be a promise.... its not the way to go with marriage unless it is a surety of a promise.........deb
Author c.long Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 At this point, I think you should put this behind you, until a later date. Because from the sounds of things, while he may be financially secure, he is still jumping on the gun with marriage, especially planting the idea in your head. Let it go, and chalk it up to him being playful. The worst thing that can happen is if you let your thoughts run asunder and take things out of proportion. Yeah, I think you're right. Thanks for the input!
Els Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 It's not necessarily a bad idea to be thinking about marriage at 27 and 22, but for many people it isn't a particularly good one. His comments struck me as more playful than anything, and you need to accept them as that and let it go. I personally don't see anything wrong with a 27-year-old still treating marriage as a distant possibility, especially if his gf is 22. My opinion of the 20s (I'm in them myself!) is that they are supposed to be a time where you finally go out and find your place in the world as a fully-fledged adult, a time of personal growth and change. Some people manage to make a lifelong commitment that they (more importantly) don't regret through all that, others would have been better off waiting until they were truly ready. True love waits. Enjoy this stage in your life without pushing for the next, is my suggestion.
Author c.long Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 It's not necessarily a bad idea to be thinking about marriage at 27 and 22, but for many people it isn't a particularly good one. His comments struck me as more playful than anything, and you need to accept them as that and let it go. I personally don't see anything wrong with a 27-year-old still treating marriage as a distant possibility, especially if his gf is 22. My opinion of the 20s (I'm in them myself!) is that they are supposed to be a time where you finally go out and find your place in the world as a fully-fledged adult, a time of personal growth and change. Some people manage to make a lifelong commitment that they (more importantly) don't regret through all that, others would have been better off waiting until they were truly ready. True love waits. Enjoy this stage in your life without pushing for the next, is my suggestion. Yeah, I agree with you. He didn't exactly sound playful haha. But I definitely have to just let it go. Apparently all you need in this modern era is a day of venting on the internet to feel a little better. That's so pitiful lol. Anyway, I concur with the notion that we should be enjoying adulthood, and growing into ourselves. I'm somewhat of a special case, though, in the sense that I grew up really fast and lucked out by not becoming a drug addict nut case but rather a stable human. I'm just saying that I know what I want out of life, which is fairly rare at 22. BUT, yes, true love does wait. I'm not really in a rush just got confused because it seemed like that's where he was heading. 'pparently not. ha. 1
Sugarkane Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 My new boyfriend also mentions it aswell. He asked me yet again if I want to one day settle down. I said maybe. He also said if I got pregnant I would have to take out my belly button ring. I didn't know how to respond to that. I think he questions it eg like when someone he knows proposed to his girlfriend at their graduation last week.
Author c.long Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 My new boyfriend also mentions it aswell. He asked me yet again if I want to one day settle down. I said maybe. He also said if I got pregnant I would have to take out my belly button ring. I didn't know how to respond to that. I think he questions it eg like when someone he knows proposed to his girlfriend at their graduation last week. Well, he says stuff like that doesn't bother me. The part that bothered me was him asking who he needed to ask for my hand, and wanting to know what kind of ring I want because that makes it seem like it's right around the corner.
Author c.long Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 Based on that answer alone I wouldn't marry the guy. If I had a dime for every married guy who has said this to his mistress while being in an affair with her, I'd be rich. I've lost count of how many mistresses have said, "he told me he's not happy in his marriage. He only married his wife because he felt that was the thing to DO at that age and at that stage of his life - so he did it but he's not in love with her....blah blah blah..." It sounds as though your boyfriend has come to the conclusion that marriage is the stage he's at in life right now, and since you're his best prospect, you're "it." I wouldn't marry this guy for all the money in China until his reasons for marrying you are the RIGHT ones. Okay, I see where/why you're coming to that conclusion. But, how do I figure out if that's true? Can I ask him haha?
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