plainjane79 Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 So I've always been a pretty cerebral, sedentary person who prefers reading and taking a walk outside to serious athletics. That said, a few years ago I began running (mostly to stay in shape, but also running several road races) and swimming, just to round out my repetoire. A couple months ago, I got ambitious, bought a road bike, and signed up for a sprint triathlon, despite not having been on a bike in 20 years. As luck would have it, shortly thereafter, I met a guy who purported to be outdoorsy. We went out on a couple of good dates and he soon asked me to go bike riding with him. I told him, truthfully, that I was still a bit shaky with my bike, and I would prefer a few weeks to familiarize myself with riding before trying to keep up with him. He didn't say anything and we had another date. Shortly thereafter, he asked again if I wanted to go cycling. I told him I still wasn't entirely comfortable but was working on it (which I was.) Again, he didn't say anything in response. After another week or two and a few more dates later, he seemed to become distant, and things eventually seemed to fizzle. I brought up biking together again at this point and he said something along the lines of "Well you're probably too slow on the bike, I'd end up leaving you behind." I find myself wondering whether the scenario above involves a deal breaker. Do you think you would be turned off by somebody wanting to hold off on an activity which she is not entirely comfortable doing yet? Is there a difference between someone with no interest in learning a new activity and someone interested but gradually working up to it? Would the above scenario make any difference in whether someone stayed interested or not? Just feeling pensive today....
movingon12 Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I honestly don't believe for one moment that he is getting distant because you're not willing to go cycling with him! Having nothing in common would be a deal breaker for most if it was making it hard to talk to each other or find activities to do together. But what you are describing is just a relationship fizzling out.
SmileFace Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 There's nothing wrong with anything you're feeling. There is something wrong with the guy in question's comment. What kind of shmuck says that? Really. Why is he a shmuck is he is only reiterating what she instilled not to long ago? 1
Author plainjane79 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 I honestly don't believe for one moment that he is getting distant because you're not willing to go cycling with him! Having nothing in common would be a deal breaker for most if it was making it hard to talk to each other or find activities to do together. But what you are describing is just a relationship fizzling out. Fair enough! Yes, we didn't have a whole lot in common otherwise but we found things to do. Had dinner, played pool, watched movies. I don't know if that counts as common interests at all but I enjoy doing that stuff with other people. Maybe he didn't? Maybe it's an attitude/personality thing...aggressive, assertive sports woman vs. cautious balance-lover. I'm probably being naive but I've never understood the general "fizzle out" thing if there are no deal breakers present!
Author plainjane79 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 There's nothing wrong with anything you're feeling. There is something wrong with the guy in question's comment. What kind of shmuck says that? Really. Yeah. He said other things, too, that kind of made me wonder. Towards the end he randomly said I had failed to "impress" him, and asked what was the most exciting thing I had ever done in my life. I took that to heart a bit and am still wondering how to "impress" someone, and whether I should even try. Maybe we just weren't a match in general. I can't transform into an X-Games, Type A adrenaline junkie overnight.... :-/
kiss_andmakeup Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Just sounds like incompatibility. Do you not know how to ride a bike, or are you worried that you're too out of shape to be able to keep up? You mentioned that you guys were able to find things to do together, such as "play pool, have dinner, and watch movies." But none of those things sound like something an "outdoorsy" person would like. Why not propose meeting him in the middle and going on a walk in a local park, a nature hike, something like that? It sounds he's probably frustrated because you guys haven't included any of his passions in your shared activities (which, of course, is his fault, too). 2
FitChick Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 (edited) It doesn't sound like he was proposing that the two of you race or ride for twenty miles. I rode a bike for the first time after about twenty years. For the first ten minutes I was shaky and then it was effortless. You never forget how to ride a bicycle. It also sounds like he kept doing what you wanted to do, but you weren't interested in doing what he wanted to do. It's called compromise. It sounds like you are a perfectionist, which will cause you more problems in dating than anything else, in my opinion. Edited December 17, 2012 by FitChick 1
Author plainjane79 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 Just sounds like incompatibility. Do you not know how to ride a bike, or are you worried that you're too out of shape to be able to keep up? You mentioned that you guys were able to find things to do together, such as "play pool, have dinner, and watch movies." But none of those things sound like something an "outdoorsy" person would like. Why not propose meeting him in the middle and going on a walk in a local park, a nature hike, something like that? It sounds he's probably frustrated because you guys haven't included any of his passions in your shared activities (which, of course, is his fault, too). I am in shape; I run road races and swim and hit the gym regularly so I am active in my own right. I know how to ride a bike, but hadn't been on one in years. Plus this was a road bike, so different from the commuter bikes I used to ride as a kid. Basically, I was just nervous about re-learning to ride my bike in front of a new guy who I liked and wanted to impress, i.e. didn't want to fall on my behind in front of him, etc. Just didn't know what to expect. You're right about the compromise though. I did ask him once what he thought of hiking and he said he found it ridiculous, so I didn't push the subject. He also said he hated running, so we couldn't do that either. I hoped he would invite me to do something that he liked to do, perhaps even cycling in a few weeks time (since I'd been actively working on it) but since he didn't, I assumed he was OK with what we were doing. Incidentally, we have been in touch even after the fizzle and I found out he's been hiking regularly for the past month. Which is kind of annoying, since he said it was ridiculous when I asked. He STILL insists it's "dumb" but I guess someone or something is motivating him.....
Author plainjane79 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 It doesn't sound like he was proposing that the two of you race or ride for twenty miles. I rode a bike for the first time after about twenty years. For the first ten minutes I was shaky and then it was effortless. You never forget how to ride a bicycle. It also sounds like he kept doing what you wanted to do, but you weren't interested in doing what he wanted to do. It's called compromise. It sounds like you are a perfectionist, which will cause you more problems in dating than anything else, in my opinion. Hm I hadn't thought of it in terms of perfectionism. I'll keep that in mind. Incidentally, I'm now a lot better on the bike and realize it wasn't a big deal, but at the time, in the midst of nerves at dating a new guy, I guess I let my fear of the unknown derail me. Also, if all he was suggesting was cycling, and I was suggesting several of my interests, wouldn't he also have some responsibility in bringing other "outdoorsy" possibilities to the table, if he was unhappy with what we were doing?
Divasu Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 So the short and simplified version: He really wanted to ride bikes together, you didn't. You want to ride bikes together now, but now he's 'meh" about it. Well, you could always ride your bike to his house to show him how serious you are about bike riding.
Author plainjane79 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 It's interesting how posting in these forums can give you such a different perspective on your actions and attitudes! I've always prided myself in being a reasonable and extremely accomodating person. I may not suggest it, but I'm the first person to exclaim "I'm in!" when my friends suggest a trip to the beach or a weekend vacation. It never occurred to me that I might have a problem with compromise or that I might be turning people off with my perfectionism. My theory has always been, let's spend a few weeks talking, relaxing, getting comfortable...and then we can move on to adventure and push the limits of our comfort zones. It's easy to forget sometimes that people may be thinking differently but not expressing what they want. I wish people would just speak their minds if they are unhappy; it would certainly help me improve within the relationship, or at least improve for the next one!
Author plainjane79 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 So the short and simplified version: He really wanted to ride bikes together, you didn't. You want to ride bikes together now, but now he's 'meh" about it. Well, you could always ride your bike to his house to show him how serious you are about bike riding. Haha wait....is there advice in there somewhere?
Divasu Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Haha wait....is there advice in there somewhere? Not really advice, I merely simplified it for you.
curlygirl40 Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I am in shape; I run road races and swim and hit the gym regularly so I am active in my own right. I know how to ride a bike, but hadn't been on one in years. Plus this was a road bike, so different from the commuter bikes I used to ride as a kid. Basically, I was just nervous about re-learning to ride my bike in front of a new guy who I liked and wanted to impress, i.e. didn't want to fall on my behind in front of him, etc. Just didn't know what to expect. You're right about the compromise though. I did ask him once what he thought of hiking and he said he found it ridiculous, so I didn't push the subject. He also said he hated running, so we couldn't do that either. I hoped he would invite me to do something that he liked to do, perhaps even cycling in a few weeks time (since I'd been actively working on it) but since he didn't, I assumed he was OK with what we were doing. ..... So why is it o.k for him to feel like you 'failed to impress him' and you worry it has to do with the biking, when he didn't want to do the outdoorsey things you mentioned either? So it's o.k for him to be upset or maybe lose interest because you weren't ready to go on a bike ride but yet it's also o.k for him to say he doesn't want to go hiking or running which are things you enjoy? See what I'm getting at? There's something else going on here so don't beat yourself up about it. You want a guy who is really interested in you, not one who you have to continually try to impress.
Author plainjane79 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 So why is it o.k for him to feel like you 'failed to impress him' and you worry it has to do with the biking, when he didn't want to do the outdoorsey things you mentioned either? So it's o.k for him to be upset or maybe lose interest because you weren't ready to go on a bike ride but yet it's also o.k for him to say he doesn't want to go hiking or running which are things you enjoy? See what I'm getting at? There's something else going on here so don't beat yourself up about it. You want a guy who is really interested in you, not one who you have to continually try to impress. Hmm, interesting perspective, thanks! I kind of figured not riding a bike is an improbable dealbreaker for sane adults, so I guess there was something else off about the whole thing. I kind of suspected that he was rebounding/playing the field (he was never really straight up with me about his relationship history or future relationship goals.) So yeah, lesson learned. And at least I know how to ride a bike now, so the next time when things go to hell I'll at least know for sure it wasn't that!
Cutiepie1976 Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 ...My theory has always been, let's spend a few weeks talking, relaxing, getting comfortable...and then we can move on to adventure and push the limits of our comfort zones... To a "let's dive in and we can deal with falls and other details when they happen" person, your cautious "let's get everything perfectly done before we even try" approach can be poke your eyeballs out torture. You have different styles. Neither person is right or wrong. Some people go bungee jumping on a whim. Others go to a new restaurant on a whim. Both will claim they are flexible and adventurous, but it means very different things. Ditto for being fit or active. You're just incompatible. Throw each other back in the pond and pick more compatible fish. Sorry, it didn't work out. There are better choices for you out there.
Author plainjane79 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 To a "let's dive in and we can deal with falls and other details when they happen" person, your cautious "let's get everything perfectly done before we even try" approach can be poke your eyeballs out torture. You have different styles. Neither person is right or wrong. Some people go bungee jumping on a whim. Others go to a new restaurant on a whim. Both will claim they are flexible and adventurous, but it means very different things. Ditto for being fit or active. You're just incompatible. Throw each other back in the pond and pick more compatible fish. Sorry, it didn't work out. There are better choices for you out there. Arg! But...but...aside from the bike thing, I was pretty open to suggestion! I mean, why couldn't he suggest more things? I would have hiked on a whim! I would have taken a weekend trip on a whim! There were plenty of other things he could have suggested for which I would have been totally on board! That's what's frustrating...though I do see your point. I suppose to an impulsive adrenaline junkie, even my most impulsive traits are annoyingly well-thought-out.
Cutiepie1976 Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 (edited) No doubt. You define whims differently though. Look at biking. By your own admission you had no real interests in common. So too your approaches to new things. Perseverating on this is pointless. Let it go. We won't be compatible with everyone. That's the whole point of dating. To find the right fish. Your fishie is out there. Glad to see you have a bit of a sense of humor about it. Edited December 17, 2012 by Cutiepie1976
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