Jingle14 Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I really thought I'd done with the forum, was 'moving on' (dreaded, hateful phrase!) and 'doing fine', even went out with someone the other week and had a lovely time. But I'm evidently not. It's 17 months now since I was dumped by the person I thought was 'the one'. He turned out to be a pathetic, cowardly liar but I am still hung up on the person I thought he was - the person I got to know in the 3 years before embarking on our relationship, the person he was in the first few months who was loving, gentle, sensitive, kind, thoughtful, so sweet and lovely. That person wasn't real though, it was just the facade he presented to me to draw me in. By God it worked, and I very quickly fell so deeply in love. By a massive coincidence, I drove alongside him on the motorway last week - I was in the fast lane as he was pulling out onto the motorway from the service station. I saw the car, then I saw the (private) number plate and then our eyes met, very briefly, before I put my foot down. It's not a journey I do often and I had already driven 5 miles out of my way to avoid going past his office and street (all in my neighbourhood) so it was a complete shock. To the outside world, I am perfectly fine - outgoing, fun, vibrant, strong, independent. Inside I am still cut up with hurt, bitterness. I'm wounded and still desperately bewildered how it could have turned out the way it did. I'm told regularly what a great catch I am, how 'stunning' I am, how men won't approach me becauseof the way I look (supposedly out of a lot of men's league and so a frightening prospect), and this is what male friends and colleagues say, but all nonsense in my insecure eyes. Yes, I do have a good figure, I'm not hideous looking but, when it comes down to it, 'he' doesn't want me so how can I be all those wonderful and kind things they say. I still miss him dreadfully. Even when I went out recently for dinner with someone I actually really like and have done for a while, I still wished he - a gorgeous, professional, funny and lovely man - was someone else. Will these feelings ever end? He has hurt me beyond belief, by rights I should hate him for how appallingly he treated me, but I know that I don't. We were so happy this time 2 years ago but I'm now facing another Christmas without him, another New Year. He's not though, he has new memories now with someone else - how could he?! I just feel so very, very sad but I'm masking it to my friends and family, I have to after so long. They haven't a clue.
yolatanga Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 It will happen when you let it. Trust me I know. It's been a while since I've posted my sob story here. A yr ago today this guy I adored just stopped talking to me, of course after he told me he was still in love with his ex-gf. We were more friends with benefits, but I wanted more. After that he tried to hurt me more by showing up with different girls where I hang out. It was extremely painful. He knew it bothered me, but he didn't care. The fact we miss the person you wanted them to be. That doesn't exist. Just two weeks ago he came to where I hang out. It was a long time since we've been in that situation. Thankfully I was looking and feeling great. I noticed him staring at me. I made sure I had a great time with my friends. He kept looking. At one point his friend came over and gave me a hug goodbye. I noticed my ex wanted to say something. I turned my back and spoke with someone else. I was pretty proud of myself. I miss him, but don't miss that hurt he inflicted upon me. Time to let go. It's hard, but you're holding to someone that no longer exists. 1
Sarahbee Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 It takes as long as it takes, so don't feel bad about still having these feelings after this amount of time. Sometimes your heart just won't catch up to your head in the time you think it should. I know the feeling of being on a date with someone and wishing it was the one you can't have, but at this stage I'd still keep dating if I were you. It's a bit of a numbers game, but eventually you'll find someone who take your fancy, even if you're blase about being on dates at first. Just hang in there! Try new things, keep busy, but not so much on things that keep you at home. Get out there and be socially active, go to see bands, accept every invitation you get, try something new where you'll meet new people, volunteer, be open to all new experiences. Ultimately you need to get over him by filling your life up with new things that don't include him, so that the triggers for thinking about him become fewer and farther away. If he's moved on to someone else that's a gift in a way, because it means that you have no choice but to close the book, accept that you can't have him any more and give up any hope of getting back with him. If he treated you badly then you're better off trying to find someone who is ready, willing and able to be 100% with you and who adores you - don't settle for anything less! And don't take the fact that he didn't want you personally. It honestly could have had nothing to do with you, and more likely was all about him and his own insecurities, fears, relationship history etc. Some people are so scared of intimacy and rejection that they would rather sabotage the great person they're with than risk the pain of rejection. This doesn't mean that someone else won't see and want the great person that you are. Hang in there, nurture yourself and keep moving!
Author Jingle14 Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 Thanks for these lovely, positive replies. I wish I didn't know but 2 years ago today, we were just back home from a wonderful, wintry walk and a snowball fight (and we're both in our 40's but we could be silly together), as it was 2 years last night that he proudly showed me off at his work's Christmas meal. I've done all the things suggested - I keep myself busy, with work and social activities. I accept every invitation I'm given - sometimes, I'm hardly home at all! I've joined a walking group and social groups locally and from which I've found new friends. But there's still that underlying sadness though which, although not as strong as it was (and it really was) is still there. It really doesn't help that he lives and works in my neighbourhood - today I am home but really need to go to the post office but I'm avoiding the 10 minute walk as it means I would have to walk past his parent's house and I'm not ready to do that today. I used to get texts and emails saying how much he was missing me, how much he loved me, that he was sitting in meetings and all he could think about was me. And now I know I will never hear from him again, will never see his name on my phone or email inbox. It was meant to be forever too, that's what we said, we were so thrilled to finally be together after 3 years of wanting to be but not realising how the other felt. What a bloody fool I am!
lovefiction Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 I miss him, but don't miss that hurt he inflicted upon me. Time to let go. It's hard, but you're holding to someone that no longer exists. I think this is what needs to be remembered. I can't help thinking and dreaming about my ex as if he was the "perfect man" for me but I know he was not... We were so happy in the beginning and it seems that when I miss him most is when I am thinking about the best times... But there were bad times too... He has been focusing on all the bad times, all the little problems for the last couple months (and much of our relationship) so I think maybe that is what I need to remember too... Try o think about all the things that made you incompatible... I read somewhere that you should make a list of your non-negotiables and see how many he broke... It helped... A little...
sadpanda87 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 almost in those exact shoes, but ive had a bit more time to deal with it i understand that when you are hung up on someone (though not worthy) you dont let anyone new in. ive recently dated someone as well, but i ended things before i hurt her more. im just not ready. it didnt matter she was gorgeous, funny and caring. you dont stop thinking about the ex i understand the mask you put on for family and friends so they dont worry. but inside you feel empty. you will talk but you wont communicate. you try to wall yourself in until you're better i understand the 'if im so great then why did he/she do this to me'? to be frank, its their loss yes it hurts, but thatll pass. one day you'll meet someone that will help you care less and less about the past. one day you will realise you dont mind anymore NC and time is our best friend. meet new people, try new things in life. he can only hurt you as much as you allow it until you get better. world is as small or large as we make it. 1
Allumere Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 I'm right there with you...have been broken up longer than we were together and I miss him as much today as when we broke up. Finally went NC beginning of November because he had started dating someone and he was very conflicted. NC has not made things better for me yet. The holidays aint friggin helping either. I remember every single detail of every conversation, everything we did, his home, his kids, his smell...it it like an endless loop in my head. The emptiness and pain is hell. Guaranteed I cry twice a day...when I wake up and when I go to bed..if thats all then its a good day. Whats funny is that when I met him I really figured there was no way we'd end of dating. Four kids (older), not my type physically at all (very handsome just not my norm), older and poor as a church mouse. But we connected right off the bat and I made the decision to judge him and not his circumstance. I think that is what bothers me still today. He always claimed to be non-judgemental and a believer in unconditional love but that is exactly why things ended...his judgement of me on things that a) he knew from day one but became huge issues (and I'm not talking like big skeletons I talking as in my job and that I work for a contractor that supports DOD and he just could never work for something he didnt believe in and therefore there must be something wrong with me...coming from a man that was trained as a pilot by the NAVY!!!. Lets see, my bipolar husband ran off and left me with nada so hmmmm, I'm thinking the job I do not love but pays well has saved my ass, my home, my car, my credit, my animals, my parents....he couldn't see any of that) and b) things that any reasonable person would discuss with their partner for a compromise. In the end I totally opened my heart unconditinally accepting everything about him, happily viewing his kids as my own, and reassigning the priority of financial stability (although he was making great strides to get ahead...those issues based on events not bad judgement) because I realized having him and a family was so much more important. Anyway, the hurt remains and so do the memories. I can't remember what I ate yesterday but to hell if I can't remember everything we were doing on this date last year in techni-color detail.
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