replaced

[candyland123]

I miss my family. I miss all the things I will not be able to do as an X. I have already missed so many events and we are only divorced 6 weeks. What hurts the most is he has installed my replacement completely into his life. She has met my kids, his parents, all our (his now) friends. Everyone seems to accept this replacement without questioning? I don't get it. We were together 30 years, 2 days after the divorce was final he puts her on FB as being in a relationship with her, 22 days after the divorce he introduces her to my kids. And no one seems to think this is wrong. My heart is breaking at how what I thought were people who loved and cared for me have completely discarded me.

 

Anyone else feel replaced and forgotten. I was the one who left, I am wondering why now.

[aMguilts]

I miss my family. I miss all the things I will not be able to do as an X. I have already missed so many events and we are only divorced 6 weeks. What hurts the most is he has installed my replacement completely into his life. She has met my kids, his parents, all our (his now) friends. Everyone seems to accept this replacement without questioning? I don't get it. We were together 30 years, 2 days after the divorce was final he puts her on FB as being in a relationship with her, 22 days after the divorce he introduces her to my kids. And no one seems to think this is wrong. My heart is breaking at how what I thought were people who loved and cared for me have completely discarded me.

 

Anyone else feel replaced and forgotten. I was the one who left, I am wondering why now.

 

hi candyland123

 

Why did you leave?

He seems to be getting on with his life? Is THAT what you don`t like?

Put it this way, would you rather he be depressed and lonely for the rest of his life?.

You are divorced now so maybe it`s time to start living your life and not looking into his?

Your heart is breaking because you are allowing it to?

 

Get up, get busy.

 

wish you well

aM

[Caldespair]

I don't feel replaced, but I miss being home with my w and teenage girls. Did u try counseling b4 u left? Why did u leave and not he?

I know, this s..t sucks. I have trouble sleeping, lost weight, but trying to take care, keep going to therapy. Reading this site, when I'm alone in evenings, helps me step back from the edge of darkness.

[Trimmer]

I miss my family. I miss all the things I will not be able to do as an X. I have already missed so many events and we are only divorced 6 weeks. What hurts the most is he has installed my replacement completely into his life. She has met my kids, his parents, all our (his now) friends. Everyone seems to accept this replacement without questioning? I don't get it. We were together 30 years, 2 days after the divorce was final he puts her on FB as being in a relationship with her, 22 days after the divorce he introduces her to my kids. And no one seems to think this is wrong. My heart is breaking at how what I thought were people who loved and cared for me have completely discarded me.

 

Anyone else feel replaced and forgotten. I was the one who left, I am wondering why now.

I don't mean this in an unkind way, but you chose to end a 30 year marriage, and after it's over, now you are asking why you did it? I really think you need to start here.

 

All those people who loved and supported you, they also loved and supported your ex. When you left, they think you got what you wanted, and he got left behind. You left; he lost. You were in the driver's seat, he was a victim of circumstances outside his control. So they probably see his actions as moving on and healing from the trauma of loss.

 

Now please understand: I'm not saying that this is all there is to your reality. I know you are feeling losses and traumas, too. I'm saying that if you are focusing on the reactions of those around your Ex, you have to consider their perspective, looking in from the outside with pretty limited information, compared with your own perspective.

 

The "leaving spouse" certainly has difficulties, suffers loss, etc. but don't expect to get a lot of the benefit of the doubt or open-hearted sympathy from his family.

 

My question to you: since you aren't sure why you left (and I still think you need to work on that as a high priority) perhaps you had certain expectations about what would happen when you left? How he would react? How friends and family would react? Were you expecting your departure to teach him a lesson, and are you shocked that he seems to be "just moving on?"

 

You are upset that he went public with his new relationship so soon after the divorce was final. And you are surprised that nobody sees this as "wrong." How long was it from the time you decided to leave until the time it was finalized?

 

Are you fundamentally upset and shocked about the impression that he has moved on and not suffered more deeply because of your departure? Is it the fact that he has, apparently, moved on? What would you think would be appropriate behavior, given the circumstances?

Edited December 20, 2012 by Trimmer

[candyland123]

My husband told everyone how much he loved me, but was not able to show it in actions. Each night he would sit in the office on line for 6+ hours playing on the computer, when I would call him to dinner, it would be wait I have to finish something. Finally 45 minutes later he would emerge for 10 minutes to eat and then back to the computer. He no longer liked my company, the only thing I was around for was sex. Which he wanted often and I should be ready at a moments notice to perform.

 

There were resentments which had built up in our marriage which were never resolved. He never heard what I would say, and told me what feelings I was allowed to have. He was a controlling person, I couldn't go out with friends or even order my own meal in a restaurant. I took him to counseling. The therapist pulled me to the side after the 6th session and sais your H sees nothing wrong with his actions, he has no desire to change. Your living with a man who expects a wife from the 1950"s. She was right.

 

I asked him for a divorce in June, I thought he would fight for me. He didn't, made an appointment w the lawyer, wanted to know if it could be over in 6 weeks. Then went on facebook and told his 4000 friends I had just asked for a divorce "feel sorry for Me".

 

He railroaded me thru the divorce process. Bullying me into firing my atty and using his, reducing my support payments, my settlement, I allowed it all to happen because I felt sorry for him. Which is what he wanted. Poor pathetic H

played me like a fiddle. Telling me he would always love me and be here for me, while he lowered the money and cut me off everything. I was so gullible I believed him, I didn;t want a divorce, I wanted a seperation a breather. He pushed the divorce thru in 6 months, all while I tried to apply the breaks. But he would walk in my house and yell and scream at me to sign the papers, he wouldn't leave. I was so weak and in such a depressed state I did not know what to do but follow his orders so I did. I had no family near, no supportive friends.

 

I realize my mistakes now. And yes H has made everyone thing he is a victim. I am the victim of a verbal and sometimes physical abuser. I realize I am still in a fog and why I want to run back to him, its all I know. He has convinced me I cannot care for myself and I am afraid. I know I did not get enough to care for myself. I was never able to work, or get an education until the last 2 years of our marriage when I took out student loans to go to school. I will have $90,000 in student loans when I am done with school and have to try to "start" a career at 50. I am so hurt by this man, to know that everyone is so happy for him to have "dumped me" is very painful.

 

I get free counseling at school. Thanks for listening. I am grieving the loss of my marriage. Yes I wish he was grieving the loss also, he is not.

[GuyInLimbo]

People who can't filter anything about their divorces on FB are immature, pathetic morons.

[standtall]

I just read some of candylands back posts...She found her OM on ashely madison? She asked for the divorce?

 

 

 

 

 

I could be your wife. I just divorced my husband after a 20 plus year marriage. I did not want to go to counseling, I did not want to try, I did not hate him, hate would have meant feelings, I had none, I was completely indifferent to him. My spirit had died several years earlier, it took me quite awhile to build the strength to leave. I felt I had to get away from him because there was no "me" left. I had disappeared and the only way to re-discover myself, was to leave.

 

Our marriage was not terrible. The kids were older and on their own. I would come home at night and dread watching the garage door open, hoping his car would not be there. The evenings together were horrible. Not for the fighting and arguing, for the silence. He would sit in the office all night long on the computer, what was he doing, I did not even care anymore. I would call him to dinner and he would say "in a few". His few always turned into 45 minutes or more. I stopped cooking dinner. Why make a meal to eat by myself. I moved to the other bedroom, I couldn't stand for him to touch me. The hurt and anger over the years had killed my feelings for him.

 

The divorce happened quickly, 6 months and our 20 year relationship was over. It has been several months since, the time apart has allowed for some of the anger to fade, I miss him. The time apart has made him make some changes. He actually admits to some responsibility for the divorce. He actually hears me talk now. He never wanted the divorce. The sad thing is I am not sure I did either. But we needed time apart.

 

SEPARATION AGREEMENT CONTRACT

 

This is what I wish we had negotiated before getting divorced. We talked about separating but could not agree on the details. Go to your marriage therapist and discuss this. Negotiate every detail of the separation. Who will move out, you MUST live apart. You both need an opportunity to see what it is like without the other. Negotiate if you will see each other/have sex with each other, if you will see other people/have sex with them. All the details you can think of, you do not want to argue about the separation after it occurs. Then wait, be apart, see how you feel. Its a cooling off period, maybe even a hall pass. Personally I would put dating and sex with others in the contract. Sex with other people was part of my thought process in getting divorced.

 

We are divorced now, he is dating someone else and cheated on her to be with me. Will we get back together, I do not know we haven't had enough time apart yet. But I feel better towards him and about myself. Stop begging and ask for this, I hope it at least allows both of you a period to see if divorce is best. Good luck.

 

Well, what did you expect? For him to sit around suffering...you asked for the divorce...you said the marriage wasn't terrible. You made your bed, now lie in it.

 

Besides, you have some other really odd posts like this.

 

I found my OM on ashley madison. Seriously is he retarded? I flat out busted him he made some excuse up then hid the profile. Well two weeks later he is back on there WITH THE SAME PROFILE. Can someone explain this to me? I wonder if he is really this stupid? why wouldn't he just change the thing. It really isn't that hard. I am just wondering if anyone else has found this.

 

He swears he loves me, and doesn't want to do this with anyone else, yes I know this is crap. Why lie so openly to me?

 

??? either you're a real head case, or your some 12 yr old that got onto mommy's IPAD...which one is it?

[Mr. Lucky]

Agree with above. OP, you seem to have strung together a number of unconnected concepts and events to fit your self-described profile as the victim here. Based on what you've posted, doesn't add up.

 

What hurts the most is he has installed my replacement completely into his life. She has met my kids, his parents, all our (his now) friends. Everyone seems to accept this replacement without questioning?

 

Since you left and asked for the divorce, aren't friends and family showing you support by allowing your H to move on with his life? Your apparent decision not to move on with yours seems to be one in a series of questionable choices...

 

Mr. Lucky

[candyland123]

I respectfully request you do not post any more responses. I came for support. I see that I am not worthy of that and will not post any more on your site. Best wishes

[health]

What a mess. Sorry, but this is real life. You pick up one end of the stick you ick up the other. He moved on, and you have to as well.

[Yasuandio]

I respectfully request you do not post any more responses. I came for support. I see that I am not worthy of that and will not post any more on your site. Best wishes

 

Standtall, and Mr. Lucky, I am going to come to Candyland123's rescue at this time - she has a right to post any concern she has on LS, without haveing her past posts being reserrected, "requoted" in from another thread, and thrown in her face, as you have done (in an effort to demonstrate she is a "real head case").

 

I know myself, that my PERCEPTIONS of my marital problems of at least decade, four years separation, and a hidious divorce process and trial have altered, and transmuted over the time I have been a member of LS. Not long ago, I reviewed some my early posts, and was surprised by the number of events I had forgotten or erased out of my mind. I also could see, by my viewpoints of past curcumstances had altered as well - denial, guilt, anger, bargaining, acceptance, back to denial.

 

Surprisingly, after my divorce - I just recently admitted to Cal last night, (who is obviously stuggling during this holiday season), that I too am having longings for my former married life. Of course, it doesn't make any logical sense, when you examine my previous threads and learn of the extreme abusiveness I lived with. And, I am sure I have a post somewhere where I have stated I am elated with the divorce because I am "free!" That doesn't mean that one of you should being calling me out on so-called "unconnected concepts." It means I am mixed up - my feelings are all over the place. I am troubled. I am confused. I am scared. I am anxious. That is one reason we might have LS in the first place. It is a safe place where I can come to post my confounding revelations and read other's stories and similar experiences (and learn I am not alone).

 

If someone quoted my old posts and threads to me, in light of my new perspectives, pointing out inconsistencies (of which I'm sure there are) and then suggested I was a twelve year old, or a "head case," I would feel ridiculed and demeaned, and I would no longer want to post on LS either. Let us not forget that the road we are on can cause such emotional termoil, depression, anxiety - even suicidal thoughts. If a poster, in this case, Candyland123, happened to be possibly date someone on Ashley Madison perhaps out of lonliness, deparation or WHATEVER - so GD what?

 

The following quote from thes LS rules may or may not apply: "We expect that all participants will respond to posts in their specific context, not to the person who has posted. While opinions may be formed of various members based on what they have posted in the past, any response to any particular submission should be grounded in what has been posted in that thread."

 

Whether or not above this regulation is applicable to this situation is up to LS moderators. However, I am only speaking from my heart and, I stand behind my above statements to you Standtall and Mr. Lucky, and I certainly hope Candyland123 will return despite your treatment of her concerns she brought to us. Yas

 

PS I certainly have been no paragon of virtue on LS, because and I have had to make a number of apologies for my posts in the past. Also, as I am embarrassed by many things in my past LS history - especially posts where my Bipolar was not under control.

Edited December 23, 2012 by Yasuandio

[Mr. Lucky]

Standtall, and Mr. Lucky, I am going to come to Candyland123's rescue at this time - she has a right to post any concern she has on LS, without haveing her past posts being reserrected, "requoted" in from another thread, and thrown in her face, as you have done (in an effort to demonstrate she is a "real head case").

Can't speak for anyone else Yas but you're off base with me. I haven't read any of Candyland's other threads so no "resurrection" going on, simply based my response on what she posted here.

 

She seems to have a real need to see herself as the victim, curious in light of the fact she left, wanted a separation and then filed for divorce. She also paints her H as a fairly awful and manipulative person and then laments the loss of the life she had with him.

 

She is indeed in a tough place and deserves our honest and well-meant feedback. But we do her no favors by supporting an unrealistic and untenable view of her situation. She needs to stop worrying about her H, move on and figure out the next step for herself...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Yasuandio]

Agree with above. OP, you seem to have strung together a number of unconnected concepts and events to fit your self-described profile as the victim here. Based on what you've posted, doesn't add up.

 

 

 

Since you left and asked for the divorce, aren't friends and family showing you support by allowing your H to move on with his life? Your apparent decision not to move on with yours seems to be one in a series of questionable choices...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Dear Mr. Lucky,

 

I still think it was wrong to ressurect Candyland123's post's from past threads and throw them in her face in this current thread, as what occured in post #8, (a post which you said you agreed with in post #9). I also think it is wrong to berate posters with terms like "head case," which also occured in this thread you said agreed with.

 

There are probably many reason why LS discouages re-quoting past posts from old threads. I can think of several reasons that apply to me. Over time, people change, learn, and grow on LS. I know for sure my perspectives have changed drastically in may ways since my membership began.

 

It is possible that posters can become more or less trusting (or conservative/descrete) of the LS medium for various reasons - which may inhibit what they may or may not share at a particular time, for any number of reasons. In my case, - post-litagation, I was able to give more details to my story. That does not mean I trickle truthed, or lied through ommission. And I wouldn't what my old posts, where I was carefully leaving out evidence, (for which I was pleading the 5th), to be thrown in my face now - to make me look like a liar.

 

As well, I have made mistakes on the site, that I am extremely sorry for, and have made apologizes for. I wouldn't want my mistakes quoted in my face now, because I have learned my lesson. I mean it is all there for you to read about, and form a judgment about me. But I hope my contruibutions overcome my mistakes.

 

Candyland123's history is on the record obviously too - and you can form your impressions and make judgments about her from the record obviously. But the girl is suffering - and making mistakes. Let's not forget that she is coming to our site for help - and reaching out.

 

What is our goal, as members of the LS community, when we read and respond to Candyland123's post? What do we want the outcome to be?

 

(A) Chase her away so she is so embarrassed she doesn't want the post to go on any further.

 

OR

 

(B) Continue to work with her and try to help her cope and accept reality.

 

We certainly have no probelems writing many hundreds of posts on the threads of "certain" other individuals that are mixed up, and full of inconsistencies. Why, such a hateful attitude towards Candyland123? And yes, I think calling someone a "head case" is hateful. (Who among us has not been strung out emotionally from a love relationship gone wrong?)

 

Now, Mr. Lucky,

 

I hope you find some agreement with my perspective. If I made the mistake of grouping you into the criticism I made in Post #8 wrongly, please accept my apologies. Sometimes I do jump the gun and make mistakes, and if I did in this instance, I am very sorry. Yas

[standtall]

Standtall, and Mr. Lucky, I am going to come to Candyland123's rescue at this time - she has a right to post any concern she has on LS, without haveing her past posts being reserrected, "requoted" in from another thread, and thrown in her face, as you have done (in an effort to demonstrate she is a "real head case").

 

 

Yas..normally I would agree with you, but she is playing everyone here and lying badly to boot..it's that obvious. I wasted time reading her lies, so I called her out on them.