todreaminblue Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 (edited) I feel like this is either a pattern for me personally, or just the reality of dating in my region/age rage. Any way, about two weeks ago I meet a woman and we have been dating pretty intensely since then. When I meet her, I asked the friend that introduced us about her dating history. In short her last relationship was A LTR, I'm not sure how long it was, but i know it was an on again off again type of thing. I'm not sure when it ended, but i assume in the last 3 or 4 months. Tonight we where talking, and we where discussing relationships. The conversation was intense, because we both have the histories you would expect from normal people in their early 30's. Eventually she came out and said she wasn't that long out of a LTR, and wanted to make sure i know that and was ok with it. I'm confident she said something, as she knows my points of view when it comes to relationships. IN short I'm not looking for FWB, or casual stuff. Either way I said all I care about is knowing that I'm not a rebound, and that you see something beyond the next time i see you. She seemed fine with that, but at the same time not. I'm not sure if it shocked her into making sure she was sure of what she wanted, or what. I mean she is someone i get along with really really well. we connect on a level I have not experienced in well over a decade. What do people think i should do? I'm going to continue seeing her, but i feel like i need to keep my guard up and not let myself get to attached until, I see some kind of reassurance. I'm not even sure what the reassurance would be, other than a sign that it's ok to completely drop my guard. 1.you connect 2. she was honest with you 3 you hav ealready begun to date her 4. if you dont drop yoru guard how can you progress 5.when you date soemone and you want to get to know them adn fro them to knwo you to see how far it will take you you need its actually a step to drop yrou guard and let them in....i do that early by telling them my history fairly early...its an out for them and so they know exactly who i am if they still can put up with what i say....i am understanding and compassionate when they tell em theirs......its why i dont date loads of people or havent, and if i feel a connection with someone its one that doesnt fade easily.... you have to be realistic in datign there is awlays a risk when you let your guard down....i choose to do so by instinct..all the guys i have dated have loved my openess and feel at ease with me.......its my heart telling me yep go deb go for broke and i do...even though im scared to death of failing.....i face it.....even if that means a person walking away from me because i am way too a complication for them to handle i would prefer they walk away...luckily for m e...it doesnt happen often......that gives me hope..one day..deb Edited December 18, 2012 by todreaminblue
Author Lonely Ronin Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 5.when you date soemone and you want to get to know them adn fro them to knwo you to see how far it will take you you need its actually a step to drop yrou guard and let them in....i do that early by telling them my history fairly early...its an out for them and so they know exactly who i am if they still can put up with what i say....i am understanding and compassionate when they tell em theirs......its why i dont date loads of people or havent, and if i feel a connection with someone its one that doesnt fade easily.... are you suggesting that she potentially told me to see how I would react?
CptSaveAho Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 You are going too fast... SLOW DOWN... Im a scorpio and I am very intense but I have learned to control my intensity 2 weeks and you notice a "ticking time bomb" Walk away If you have to ask the question, then its true. 1
Author Lonely Ronin Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 strait up, I refuse to change this particular thing about my self, it is the most significant thing that makes me the person I am. Either she can handle it or she can't. You are going too fast... SLOW DOWN... Im a scorpio and I am very intense but I have learned to control my intensity
CptSaveAho Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Going too fast is very unattractive in dating... You are not going to be successful in general... hence your username 1
Author Lonely Ronin Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 Going too fast is very unattractive in dating... You are not going to be successful in general... hence your username Up until recently, my pace has never been a problem, in fact I would say my actual pace is slower than most. As I said earlier, I'm not looking to lock a woman down right away, and i don't want to be a ping pong ball either. Perhaps these woman are perceiving my pace to be much faster than it actually is.
iris219 Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 A fast pace when it comes to dating will only hurt you if the other person is unsure. Do some people need time to become sure? Maybe, but I don't trust or connect well with those sorts of people, so I don't worry about them. On the other hand, if the other person IS sure, a slow pace will hurt you. I, personally, have never tolerated anything other than a fast pace. Going out once a week and talking once or twice in between will never work for me. I won't wait this period out either. I want someone who's sure about me, not someone who's trying to figure that out over several weeks or months. I'm all or nothing, hot or cold, and I know after one date if I'm feeling it (actually, I know before the first date), and after a couple of dates I know if we're compatible for a relationship. My point is, a fast pace is not intimidating to a lot a of women, it's expected, so there's no need to change what you're doing. Be glad you're meeting people you connect with and find attractive. Both of those are really difficult to obtain. Don't over think it and try to have fun. Good luck with this girl!
Author Lonely Ronin Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 A fast pace when it comes to dating will only hurt you if the other person is unsure. Do some people need time to become sure? Maybe, but I don't trust or connect well with those sorts of people, so I don't worry about them. On the other hand, if the other person IS sure, a slow pace will hurt you. I feel that she is pretty sure, i mean we have been out 8 times in two weeks. Two of them where one on one dates, and the other two where social circle outings, but we still ended up off by are selves talking/flirting. I'm probably doing a horrible job explaining what it is i think I'm seeing/sensing. what I'm sensing is that the women I have dated, catch themselves or something. Almost like someone whispering in their ear, "slow down do the speed limit", "slow and steady wins the race". So it feels like she is ping ponging from searing hot, to room temperature. This is the trend I've been seeing over the last year or so. This messes with my mind a lot, because of my natural personality, and past baggage from relationships and life in general. I, personally, have never tolerated anything other than a fast pace. Going out once a week and talking once or twice in between will never work for me. I won't wait this period out either. I want someone who's sure about me, not someone who's trying to figure that out over several weeks or months. I'm all or nothing, hot or cold, and I know after one date if I'm feeling it (actually, I know before the first date), and after a couple of dates I know if we're compatible for a relationship. My point is, a fast pace is not intimidating to a lot a of women, it's expected, so there's no need to change what you're doing. This is how I am, Usually with me if you make it past date #2, you have checked off 80% of the needed check boxes. I won't ask a woman out unless I'm highly attracted to her, and i won't continue to ask her out if she doesn't meet a lot of other criteria as well. I think i have said it in the past, but a lot of my female friends say I'm super high maintenance for a guy because of this. Be glad you're meeting people you connect with and find attractive. Both of those are really difficult to obtain. I'm very glad indeed and I owe a lot of it to my friends, for introducing me to various women. I think i need to take a break for a little while though, if this doesn't work out, because the highs and lows are really draining.
Author Lonely Ronin Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 I got the call tonight, tick tick boom.
TouchedByViolet Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Sorry to hear that my man. Would you do it all over again if you could?
iris219 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Aw, sorry to hear that. Do you want to talk about it?
Author Lonely Ronin Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 A friend is going to pick me up and we are going to go out for drinks. It's as I expected, I triggered ex unresolved issue related to her ex. Still says how much she likes me is attracted to me and wants to be friends, and understands if I need time. I knew it as soon I picked up the phone, soft almost going to cry voice, "I don't know how to say this".....
Author Lonely Ronin Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 Sorry to hear that my man. Would you do it all over again if you could? tonight no, but in a week or a month or two when I have recovered probably.
iris219 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 A friend is going to pick me up and we are going to go out for drinks. It's as I expected, I triggered ex unresolved issue related to her ex. Still says how much she likes me is attracted to me and wants to be friends, and understands if I need time. I knew it as soon I picked up the phone, soft almost going to cry voice, "I don't know how to say this"..... Have a few drinks and try not to be too upset. It's only been about a month right? It's better for it to end now rather than several months down the road when you're even more emotionally invested. Personally, I don't understand the bolded. What more did she want?
Author Lonely Ronin Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 Have a few drinks and try not to be too upset. It's only been about a month right? It's better for it to end now rather than several months down the road when you're even more emotionally invested. Personally, I don't understand the bolded. What more did she want? yeah it's been a little over a month but we progressed compared to my other relationships probably about 4 months. let's just say this one's gonna leave a mark , and based on the way she really was trying to call probably a mark on her as well.
Author Lonely Ronin Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 I'm 100$ cheaper have a raging headache, and a kicking hangover and got 3 hrs of sleep, but nope still feel like crap.
Emilia Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I'm 100$ cheaper why, how much do you charge usually?
Author Lonely Ronin Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 why, how much do you charge usually? err see what i mean i meant to say poorer.
monicaelise Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I'm 100$ cheaper have a raging headache, and a kicking hangover and got 3 hrs of sleep, but nope still feel like crap. Ah, so very scorpio male of you... (says the pisces female with the cancer rising and taurus moon) Hang in there, it'll get easier.
TouchedByViolet Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Don't try to drown your sorrows they are surprisingly good at swimming. 1
Author Lonely Ronin Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 Don't try to drown your sorrows they are surprisingly good at swimming. As monicaelise pointed out Scorpios have a tendency to be self destructive, when stuff doesn't work. An usually its because we blame are selves for it not working.
Emilia Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 As monicaelise pointed out Scorpios have a tendency to be self destructive, when stuff doesn't work. An usually its because we blame are selves for it not working. It's not a Scorpio trait, it's a tendency for certain types of peope. I'm the same and I think it may have something to do with control issues. Worth looking into
Author Lonely Ronin Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 It's not a Scorpio trait, it's a tendency for certain types of peope. I'm the same and I think it may have something to do with control issues. Worth looking into what do you mean control issues?
Emilia Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 what do you mean control issues? Excessive guilt or feelings of responsibility, thinking that a lot of stuff is your fault. Thinking that only-if-you-had-done-things-differently-it-would-have-been-ok. False sense of control and desire for control. Have you had relationships when you took excessive care of your woman? ie when you felt you put her before you a lot of the time and when you felt you sacrificed something of yourself to please her?
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