Lonely Ronin Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I feel like this is either a pattern for me personally, or just the reality of dating in my region/age rage. Any way, about two weeks ago I meet a woman and we have been dating pretty intensely since then. When I meet her, I asked the friend that introduced us about her dating history. In short her last relationship was A LTR, I'm not sure how long it was, but i know it was an on again off again type of thing. I'm not sure when it ended, but i assume in the last 3 or 4 months. Tonight we where talking, and we where discussing relationships. The conversation was intense, because we both have the histories you would expect from normal people in their early 30's. Eventually she came out and said she wasn't that long out of a LTR, and wanted to make sure i know that and was ok with it. I'm confident she said something, as she knows my points of view when it comes to relationships. IN short I'm not looking for FWB, or casual stuff. Either way I said all I care about is knowing that I'm not a rebound, and that you see something beyond the next time i see you. She seemed fine with that, but at the same time not. I'm not sure if it shocked her into making sure she was sure of what she wanted, or what. I mean she is someone i get along with really really well. we connect on a level I have not experienced in well over a decade. What do people think i should do? I'm going to continue seeing her, but i feel like i need to keep my guard up and not let myself get to attached until, I see some kind of reassurance. I'm not even sure what the reassurance would be, other than a sign that it's ok to completely drop my guard.
Author Lonely Ronin Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 Wow, no opinions at all.
Drseussgrrl Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Usually when someone prefaces your relationship with a warning like that she is saying don't get too close. It seems like you're already way more into her than she into you. Be really careful here.
plainjane79 Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I feel like this is either a pattern for me personally, or just the reality of dating in my region/age rage. Any way, about two weeks ago I meet a woman and we have been dating pretty intensely since then. When I meet her, I asked the friend that introduced us about her dating history. In short her last relationship was A LTR, I'm not sure how long it was, but i know it was an on again off again type of thing. I'm not sure when it ended, but i assume in the last 3 or 4 months. Tonight we where talking, and we where discussing relationships. The conversation was intense, because we both have the histories you would expect from normal people in their early 30's. Eventually she came out and said she wasn't that long out of a LTR, and wanted to make sure i know that and was ok with it. I'm confident she said something, as she knows my points of view when it comes to relationships. IN short I'm not looking for FWB, or casual stuff. Either way I said all I care about is knowing that I'm not a rebound, and that you see something beyond the next time i see you. She seemed fine with that, but at the same time not. I'm not sure if it shocked her into making sure she was sure of what she wanted, or what. I mean she is someone i get along with really really well. we connect on a level I have not experienced in well over a decade. What do people think i should do? I'm going to continue seeing her, but i feel like i need to keep my guard up and not let myself get to attached until, I see some kind of reassurance. I'm not even sure what the reassurance would be, other than a sign that it's ok to completely drop my guard. I'm around your age (31) and I kind of see where she is coming from. I am going through something similar now; not a breakup from a LTR but from a short but intense relationship that ended in confusion and disrespect (on his part.) Right before we "ended" things, I met a guy on Match, totally stable, awesome guy with MUCH more in common with me than the dbag who was backing away from me. I went out with him once. I went out with him twice. And then, realized...wow. This dude is too good for where I'm at right now. I WANT a good guy, after the crap and disrespect I just went through. I WANT to keep this guy around. But I'm avoiding his calls because I am trying to get through my own hurt and grief and I just can't be "there" for a good dude right now...but frankly, I don't know what I want at the moment so how can I articulate it to him? So at this point, your girl may not even know what she wants. Personally, I'd do just what you said...stick around but keep your guard up. She knows why you're doing it; you were straight up with her about not wanting to be a rebound. If she's worth a damn, she will communicate to you how she feels about the whole thing. If she can't handle it and drifts away, then she is clearly not ready to move on and maybe down the road you can touch base again and see what develops. But I think, in the end, it could go either way...and you just need to know yourself well enough to know how you can handle any scenario on either side of the spectrum that may emerge. 1
Author Lonely Ronin Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 So at this point, your girl may not even know what she wants. Personally, I'd do just what you said...stick around but keep your guard up. She knows why you're doing it; you were straight up with her about not wanting to be a rebound. If she's worth a damn, she will communicate to you how she feels about the whole thing. If she can't handle it and drifts away, then she is clearly not ready to move on and maybe down the road you can touch base again and see what develops. But I think, in the end, it could go either way...and you just need to know yourself well enough to know how you can handle any scenario on either side of the spectrum that may emerge. The other part of the story, is that we are actively planning stuff for the future, like new years eve. She shows pretty much every sign I can think of being interested in me for something significant. We haven't known each other that long, so if it fails, it fails. I mean i'll be sad if it fails, because i don't run into women like her every day, but I'm a realist so I know the odds. My biggest concern, is more along the lines of why does this keep happening to me? This is like the 4th of 5th woman I have dated in the last year or so that has been very interested, but unsure. I mean a couple of them actually expressed what I would consider to be remorse when i ran into them after we stopped dating. I mean what is it about me that's causing this? Is it the women I'm attracted to? I don't understand how someone can be very interested early on, very interested/nervous/uneasy in the middle, and then shows what looks likes remorse/sadness after it's over...
plainjane79 Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 The other part of the story, is that we are actively planning stuff for the future, like new years eve. She shows pretty much every sign I can think of being interested in me for something significant. We haven't known each other that long, so if it fails, it fails. I mean i'll be sad if it fails, because i don't run into women like her every day, but I'm a realist so I know the odds. My biggest concern, is more along the lines of why does this keep happening to me? This is like the 4th of 5th woman I have dated in the last year or so that has been very interested, but unsure. I mean a couple of them actually expressed what I would consider to be remorse when i ran into them after we stopped dating. I mean what is it about me that's causing this? Is it the women I'm attracted to? I don't understand how someone can be very interested early on, very interested/nervous/uneasy in the middle, and then shows what looks likes remorse/sadness after it's over... I don't know. It may very well be that you are attracted to a certain type of woman, but it's hard to tell from what you've posted here. Is there some sort of pattern that you can identify about these women that may be causing this? Are they generally rebounding? Do they have a pattern of "commitmentphobia" in their past? Etc. Personally, I've found that as I (and the guys I date) get older, the more uncertainty is involved in dating. We've been through a good amount of partners, many of whom were pretty cool people, and yet we are still single so clearly things have not worked out for one reason or another. So we're left wary and a bit confused and not entirely sure of what we want and/or what's good for us. I think it's just the nature of the beast (dating in one's 30s and perhaps beyond, but I can't yet speak for beyond!)
Author Lonely Ronin Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 Is there some sort of pattern that you can identify about these women that may be causing this? Are they generally rebounding? Do they have a pattern of "commitmentphobia" in their past? Etc. That's the thing, they are all very different women in the broad sense of the word. However, when it comes to relationships, they are all pretty normal. They have either been married, engaged, or had a LTR at some point in the past. Most hadn't dated in a while, one hadn't dated in almost 4 years. Even the current woman has had a healthy relationship past. My friend assured me while her relationship officially ended not that long ago, it had been dead for a while. Other than last night, I see no signs of her rebounding. from the moment i meet her, we have basically been 50/50 when it comes to showing interest and initiating communication. So we're left wary and a bit confused and not entirely sure of what we want and/or what's good for us. I'm pretty much the opposite of this, I have made sure to learn from every failed relationship. I know exactly whats I want, and what's good for me. One of my closets friends wife's, thinks this is the my problem actually. She says the fact that I know exactly what I want and I'm all in from the beginning, is going to be very intimidating to a lot of women.
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 You've only been dating for two weeks. You knew her recent history when you met her. What you said to her: all I care about is knowing that I'm not a rebound, and that you see something beyond the next time i see you. doesn't sound to me like you are asking her whether she is "sure" or not, which I think would be premature at this stage in any case. It sounds like you really like her. Please try to put this aside and enjoy your time getting to know each other. Don't put pressure on things. A person can bolt if they feel pushed to make decisions when they aren't ready, and when the relationship isn't either. 1
edgygirl Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 While it's great to hear that a guy isn't looking for FWB and casual, it can also be a little scary if you say it before the relationship is in the right place or if you put unknowingly (emotional) pressure on her to decide what she wants before she even knows it. Date and establish a time frame in your mind of what would be acceptable (for you) for the girl you're dating to make up her mind that they want to pursue an exclusive relationship. Two weeks sounds too little to be sure of anything. I read somewhere that surprisingly so, guys fall in love first, it takes a little more time for a girl to be sure and it's usually after they guy. Here, found one article about that: Men Are Three Times More Likely To Say 'I Love You' Before Women (Men) are "more inclined to fall in love within a few weeks compared to women for whom it takes several months." From my personal experience, I agree with the article.
Author Lonely Ronin Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 A person can bolt if they feel pushed to make decisions when they aren't ready, and when the relationship isn't either. I have wondered if this is partly the issue. If i had to pick 5 adjectives to describe who I am as a person they would be, Intense, Passionate (all aspects of my life), competitive, affectionate, & Complex. It could be that me, being me makes them feel pushed, even though I'm really not pushing them. When I ran into one woman months later, she even said I didn't push her. I'm really starting to not like this trend though, as It's making paranoid, and I'm not enjoying the early stages of dating as much as i think i should.
lino Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 As a guy who's been a rebound for about 6 different girls, these are the tell tale signs I've learned: 1. Relationship starts very intensely. 2. She wants you to meet her familly/relatives very early on... Almost as if to tell them 'Hey look! The other guy didn't want me but I can still get a guy if I try. See, this is the new one right here!' 3. She makes a lot of future plans very early on only to come through on hardly any of them. Most times, none at all. 4. Her loss in interest isn't gradual, it's almost instant and comes at a very definite moment. You won't miss it. One week you're all she thinks about, 2 weeks later you're as relevant as a pair of old shoes she had thrown away 7 years ago. These were all common things in my experiences as being a rebound. Made me kind of sad typing it out actually. Never again though, that's the one promise I've sworn to adhere to till I die! Usually when someone prefaces your relationship with a warning like that she is saying don't get too close. It seems like you're already way more into her than she into you. Be really careful here. It's only been 2 weeks but I think you may be right. Usually there is a very definite point where all the intensity of a rebounding girl comes to a halt, and the OP asking about being a rebound may have accelerated the process to reach that point. The other part of the story, is that we are actively planning stuff for the future, like new years eve. She shows pretty much every sign I can think of being interested in me for something significant. We haven't known each other that long, so if it fails, it fails. I mean i'll be sad if it fails, because i don't run into women like her every day, but I'm a realist so I know the odds. My biggest concern, is more along the lines of why does this keep happening to me? This is like the 4th of 5th woman I have dated in the last year or so that has been very interested, but unsure. I mean a couple of them actually expressed what I would consider to be remorse when i ran into them after we stopped dating. I mean what is it about me that's causing this? Is it the women I'm attracted to? I don't understand how someone can be very interested early on, very interested/nervous/uneasy in the middle, and then shows what looks likes remorse/sadness after it's over... There must be something about guys who have been used as a rebound multiple times. Type of girl is irrelevant. The ones I was involved with were all completely different personality-wise. It's only been 2 weeks for you mate, see how it goes. I hope you won't be a rebound. Good luck 3
Author Lonely Ronin Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 While it's great to hear that a guy isn't looking for FWB and casual, it can also be a little scary if you say it before the relationship is in the right place or if you put unknowingly (emotional) pressure on her to decide what she wants before she even knows it. Well, I was indirectly asked about it, and I wasn't going to beat around the bush, and give a non answer. When it comes to love, I've only told three women that, and frankly the first two times where mistakes, because I was to young an naive to really know what it was. I'm not in a rush to lock a woman down, but I also don't want to go bouncing from one woman to the next like a ping pong ball either.
ThaWholigan Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 You strike me as pretty "all or nothing" anyway. That initial attractiveness draws people in, but that aura of intensity that you project will scare the more frivolous and unsure types away. The kind that either slowly prod their way into a relationship or the ones that kinda bounce and float around a little and prefer light relationships based on what may seem to more "passionate" types as superficial. It's going to be a particular type of girl who really responds to this. She might come in the guise of a reserved girl with the depth of a thousand women, or a femme fatale with a passionate heart. Either way, I think it would probably better for you not to completely temper that intensity, but embrace it and express it in a way that complements your environment. It might take time, but the girl who will respond to that will be hard to resist. THEN that is the point when you can worry about your guard .
Author Lonely Ronin Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 As a guy who's been a rebound for about 6 different girls, these are the tell tale signs I've learned: 1. Relationship starts very intensely. 2. She wants you to meet her familly/relatives very early on... Almost as if to tell them 'Hey look! The other guy didn't want me but I can still get a guy if I try. See, this is the new one right here!' 3. She makes a lot of future plans very early on only to come through on hardly any of them. Most times, none at all. 4. Her loss in interest isn't gradual, it's almost instant and comes at a very definite moment. You won't miss it. One week you're all she thinks about, 2 weeks later you're as relevant as a pair of old shoes she had thrown away 7 years ago. 1. all my relationships have started intensely, even when i was a teenager. 2. This hasn't happened so far, other than to mention I might meet her sister on new years, because we are planing on going to her city. 3. She has followed through on all of them so far. 4. We are going to a party this evening (she invited me), so i will see how it goes
edgygirl Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I am quite like you and I've been getting 2 types of scenarios: 1) I enter the most passionate relationship with someone who is as intense as me; 3) I scare away people who like to take it slow and are not as passionate (not specifically about me, but in general). In scenario #1 things are on fire and quickly burn away at some point usually from my side when I realize that they were not really a match or that they are but not into finding a long term relationship as I am. Scenario #2 things don't get far either as obviously they run for the hills if they can't understand my intensity and adapt to it. I myself am trying to work on it but haven't got to the right place yet and I am not sure how to improve this and my dating life. Problem seems to be that if I try to tone things down I feel fake in both scenarios: if I try to extinguish the fire I feel inside or if I try to pretend I am not really into someone and take things slow... it doesn't feel right. I am not sure why I feel like this. Let me know when you find a solution It's so great to be able to like someone with so much desire but at the same time it doesn't seem to work in the long run. Intense, Passionate (all aspects of my life), competitive, affectionate, & Complex.
Author Lonely Ronin Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 You strike me as pretty "all or nothing" anyway. That initial attractiveness draws people in, but that aura of intensity that you project will scare the more frivolous and unsure types away. The kind that either slowly prod their way into a relationship or the ones that kinda bounce and float around a little and prefer light relationships based on what may seem to more "passionate" types as superficial. It must be a Scorpio thing. Scorpio man It's going to be a particular type of girl who really responds to this. She might come in the guise of a reserved girl with the depth of a thousand women, or a femme fatale with a passionate heart. The woman in question is both, hence the reason I asked her out. 1
Author Lonely Ronin Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 Let me know when you find a solution It's so great to be able to like someone with so much desire but at the same time it doesn't seem to work in the long run. I disagree with this, as I see the intensity, in my parents, and in one of my sets of grandparents.
ThaWholigan Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 It must be a Scorpio thing. Scorpio man The woman in question is both, hence the reason I asked her out. It certainly is a Scorpio thing (the other water signs are similar, as are Earth signs). Well my best advice would be to try not to force it. I would keep an even keel just now, she might seem like she's on the fence if that's the case, but that could simply be her guard being up. I have a slightly similar problem right now, and that's what I'm doing so far. It's easy to get carried away and go into overdrive, especially when you can see there is a whole world and more bubbling under a beautiful surface. Just keep doing you, she will become more intrigued the more balanced you appear .
edgygirl Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Good to know... so maybe there's hope for us Btw Scorpio rising here as well. I disagree with this, as I see the intensity, in my parents, and in one of my sets of grandparents. 1
ThaWholigan Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Good to know... so maybe there's hope for us Btw Scorpio rising here as well. Damn it, so many Scorpio Ascendants! (Pisces Rising).
tigressA Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 My man is a lot like you, very all or nothing (He's got some Scorpio in his chart too--Mars, but is a Leo with Leo rising ). He just jumps in with both feet. I respond well to that as I am much the same when I meet someone I really like. I agree with Wholigan--stay on an even keel. Keep making it clear that you're interested but try to avoid anything that may seem like putting pressure on. I also agree that being so sure of what you want may be part of your problem. There are a lot of iffy/flaky people out there. I hope it works out for you! I've been reading your threads and you seem like a solid guy. Even if this is a bust, I'm sure you will eventually find what you're looking for.
Ami1uwant Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Its quite possible she doesnt look at you as much more than a fling. With her not that long after a LTR ended she isnt looking for another one while you are. I would tell you to back off alittle here and let her be the driver of this relationship to read her want/interest level. If you are the one always contacting her she may look at you as a free meal/activity guide for the time being.
lino Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 1. all my relationships have started intensely, even when i was a teenager. 2. This hasn't happened so far, other than to mention I might meet her sister on new years, because we are planing on going to her city. 3. She has followed through on all of them so far. 4. We are going to a party this evening (she invited me), so i will see how it goes Fair enough. I should elaborate on point #3. When I said future plans, I meant quite serious things like planning to possibly go on a big overseas trip together or moving in together. You said you met this girl 2 weeks ago so I imagine she hasn't made such plans with you yet. All the best.
Author Lonely Ronin Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 Good to know... so maybe there's hope for us Btw Scorpio rising here as well. But what type of a Scorpio are you, Scorpion, Eagle, or Phoenix? I'd like to think I Have progressed to being an Eagle, and I'm actively working on becoming a Phoenix. :-)
edgygirl Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Oh wow. I didn't know about this at all. Only my ascendant is Scorpio so I never read about this before. Seems I might be an Eagle.
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