na49 Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Just as I'm doing better. BANG just got a text from the ex. It reads as follows. "*my name* its *her name* and I need to talk with you" I'm shaking. I know to ignore, have to post a thread and hear you guys tell me to ignore it. What could she possibly have to talk with me about!?!?!??!?!? NC must be taking it's toll on her. Still, what could she possibly want to talk to me about? Any ideas? I really want to know, but I don't want to respond, find out it's nothing and feel like crap. Also why the texts so late at night? Was she considering this all day?
Mike_d Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 No way of knowing what it's about, but it doesn't matter. You already know what to do, you already said it. Stay strong, keep posting here if you need to, but no caving in
TexAggie1 Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 The only reason I see to respond is: 1) is she wanting to apologize, start reconnecting to work things out? 2) do you WANT that if that's the case?
Author na49 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 I know... I hate to do it but I know what's best for me. These breadcrumbs texts make me have false senses of hope. This is the same girl who demonized me to her new friends. Cheated on me. Dumped me. Later when I told her how much she hurt me told me "this is why we aren't friends". When I asked her to no longer call me about her new boyfriend and talk to her other friends instead she told me "my new friends are better than you". That's the last conversation I've had with her and it was over a month ago. We just started winter break, is she feeling the guilt now? I'd imagine this is breadcrumbs because if she wanted me back she'd tell me. If she's trying to ease her guilt before Christmas, I won't allow it. Being a nice guy got me stepped on. I'm not her dog anymore so I don't have to respond to her texts. Still really want to know what she wants to talk to me about though... I need to stay strong. I can't let these breadcrumbs texts ruin my 1+ month of NC that I've struggled with every day. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Who cares? It's irrelevant. What is relevant is that she cheated on you and kicked you to the curb. The rest of it is colored bubbles.
Author na49 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 The only reason I see to respond is: 1) is she wanting to apologize, start reconnecting to work things out? 2) do you WANT that if that's the case? I want to work things out if it means a fresh start in a relationship. If it's just friends, I can't do that. I'll probably never be able to be her friend, and if she wants to get me in the friend zone I don't want to respond. She needs to learn what she did to me is wrong and learn that she doesn't have me on a leash anymore. She dumped me, wanted me out of her life. I'm granting her wish. I was a very supportive boyfriend, she probably realizes that and wants me as a supportive friend. That can never happen though.
Simon Phoenix Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I want to work things out if it means a fresh start in a relationship. I'm sorry, but why?
Author na49 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 Who cares? It's irrelevant. What is relevant is that she cheated on you and kicked you to the curb. The rest of it is colored bubbles. You're right that it's irrelevant. I can't help but wonder. Was she considering this all day today? She is the type to send multiple texts, if I get another one what should I do? Probably will need to mute my phone tonight, she's an insomniac and I need my beauty sleep
ItxWillxGetxBetter Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Don't respond and continue to ignore her. Here's the thing, i've been following your post and as I understand it she cheated on you and let her friends talk crap about you. There is nothing she has to say that you want to hear. Lets assume that she wants to work it out which is probably not the case as she is with another guy. Do you really want to go back to someone who cheated on you and allowed others to talk crap about you? More than likely she wants to appease her guilt or wants to be friends. Neither options are acceptable. Maintain NC and stay strong! Good luck! 1
Author na49 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 I'm sorry, but why? Blinded by emotions for her is the best answer I can give you. Also my nice guy instinct still exists so I have trouble completely kicking someone to the curb even if they hurt me. Possibly also has something to do with the fact that I feel alone and the holidays are making me wish I had someone to share them with.
Author na49 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 Don't respond and continue to ignore her. Here's the thing, i've been following your post and as I understand it she cheated on you and let her friends talk crap about you. There is nothing she has to say that you want to hear. Lets assume that she wants to work it out which is probably not the case as she is with another guy. Do you really want to go back to someone who cheated on you and allowed others to talk crap about you? More than likely she wants to appease her guilt or wants to be friends. Neither options are acceptable. Maintain NC and stay strong! Good luck! That's honestly all that I can think of. If she wanted me back, she'd say it. She isn't saying anything so she probably feels guilty. Which is why she wants to speak to me. Speak to me about our relationship and how it ended, fish and see if she can get me to say I miss her and still love her. Get her closure. Tell all of her friends about it, they'll all have a good laugh at me. Then throw me in the garbage and never text me again. Or she'll yell at me for blocking her on facebook.
Simon Phoenix Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 You're right that it's irrelevant. I can't help but wonder. Was she considering this all day today? She is the type to send multiple texts, if I get another one what should I do? Probably will need to mute my phone tonight, she's an insomniac and I need my beauty sleep Nothing. Do nothing at all. You know the answer, so why keep asking the question? And block her number for the 87th time. Blinded by emotions for her is the best answer I can give you. Also my nice guy instinct still exists so I have trouble completely kicking someone to the curb even if they hurt me. Possibly also has something to do with the fact that I feel alone and the holidays are making me wish I had someone to share them with. Being a nice guy doesn't mean that you are a doormat. And the heart is often idiotic. This girl disrespected you in the worst way possible, yet you want to spend time with her because you don't want to be alone. You need to man the hell up. Being a nice guy doesn't mean being someone's b--ch, and that's basically what you are saying if you interact with this girl right now, is that you are her b--ch. I hate to be an a--hole here, but dude, you need to have standards of how you will be treated and what is not acceptable and you need to stick to them no matter what. Otherwise people, be it this girl or another girl or anyone, are going to run right over you. I apologize for being a d--k, but I just can't fathom how people can not only put up with being cheated on, but long for the person who did that. I know the way I operate is not the way everyone does, but I had an ex try to get me in serious trouble at work because she was mad at me. I was in pain from the break, but once she did that, my feelings were gone just like that because she betrayed me. You were betrayed. Man up.
Author na49 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 You're not being a d*ck. I need to hear things like that right now. You're right about everything, and I appreciate that you're being honest. I realize how bad I'll feel if I respond. I'll feel even worse if I let her get her closure and ease her guilt.
TexAggie1 Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Blinded by emotions for her is the best answer I can give you. Dude, I get it. If my ex who BU 2 months ago, NC 3 weeks ago text me something like that, I'd be right in your shoe's...because it's my HEART responding, not my head. Easy for us to respond to you with our heads! YOU have to decide if you could ever overcome the trust she violated in you. Only YOU can answer that, otherwise if you reply...you are swimming with sharks all over again. The heart is a great thing to have, and you sound like you have a big one...but it can also be your worst enemy.
Author na49 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 Dude, I get it. If my ex who BU 2 months ago, NC 3 weeks ago text me something like that, I'd be right in your shoe's...because it's my HEART responding, not my head. Easy for us to respond to you with our heads! YOU have to decide if you could ever overcome the trust she violated in you. Only YOU can answer that, otherwise if you reply...you are swimming with sharks all over again. The heart is a great thing to have, and you sound like you have a big one...but it can also be your worst enemy. What is making it worse is that this is the second time in two weeks that she has sent me a text saying she wanted to talk to me. I just want to know what exactly she wants to talk about. I wish I could find out without responding. If she NEEDED to speak with me, she could always make a fake facebook account or email me but she insists on only texting me. My heart has definitely been my enemy, getting so damn attached to a girl when I'm a freaking freshman in college. What was wrong with me?
Simon Phoenix Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 You're not being a d*ck. I need to hear things like that right now. You're right about everything, and I appreciate that you're being honest. I realize how bad I'll feel if I respond. I'll feel even worse if I let her get her closure and ease her guilt. You need to block her number dude. I mean, I realize all of this sucks and it's hard. But doing the proper thing is usually hard. Right now you are just punishing yourself by not blocking her while all of this is going on with you. You are basically a recovering alcoholic who likes to hang out right next door to the bar. Every time you look over, you are thinking that "one drink won't hurt me". So far you've been able to resist that drink, which is good. But eventually, if you keep doing what you are doing (not blocking her), you are going to go on a bender and feel like an absolute turd afterward.
Author na49 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 A simple "about what?" text would probably be too much right? It's been a little while, maybe I'll just let it be for now. 1
Mike_d Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 block-her-number-from-text-NOW! @Simon Phoenix has it right what part of you enjoys this repeated punishment? you mention nice guy - have you read the book?
TexAggie1 Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 haha...NOTHING is wrong with you. I'm 39, and I'm in the SAME predicament. When you're in love, and go through a breakup where you are the dumpee...it NEVER gets any easier. It's the risk you take when you put yourself out there. Honestly...you need to ask yourself if you really want to be back with this girl. If you could trust her ever again, second guess her everytime she gets a text, doesn't routinely call you when she normally does, late coming to see you. My ex cheated on me back in January and I forgave her...but I always thought about it, but didn't let it effect our relationship. The first 6 months of our relationship I was still talking to my ex, but not in a "i want to be with you" type of way. More so as a "she's crazy a hell, I don't want her effecting my current relationship...I'll let her go slowly and hide it" sort of way. It blew up in my face, and 8 months later my gf breaks it off due to not ever being able to get over what she deems as "emotionally cheating" on her. Some people can deal with the cheating and look past it, some can't. You have to decide what you can handle for the rest of your life (if you think she's the one).
Author na49 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 block-her-number-from-text-NOW! @Simon Phoenix has it right what part of you enjoys this repeated punishment? you mention nice guy - have you read the book? I haven't, but probably should.
Simon Phoenix Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 A simple "about what?" text would probably be too much right? It's been a little while, maybe I'll just let it be for now. Dude, seriously? BLOCK HER NOW!!!
Mike_d Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I haven't, but probably should. well, mull it more, let her text you a few more time, and feel free to keep repeating this cycle... lol, "probably"?? what are you scared of? that she'll dump you?? cheat on you again? cut the umbillical cord, time to man up and accept your fate. you'll get a chance to begin to move forward to something better. make the first rule of your new 10x10 (10 things she must have, 10 things she must not have) be "she must be into na49" and then let the universe bring you that girl, I can tell you from direct experience that it's pretty awesome when it happens
Author na49 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 well, mull it more, let her text you a few more time, and feel free to keep repeating this cycle... lol, "probably"?? what are you scared of? that she'll dump you?? cheat on you again? cut the umbillical cord, time to man up and accept your fate. you'll get a chance to begin to move forward to something better. make the first rule of your new 10x10 (10 things she must have, 10 things she must not have) be "she must be into na49" and then let the universe bring you that girl, I can tell you from direct experience that it's pretty awesome when it happens Apparently I'm just not ready to move on 100% yet. The last time I was about to block her number, I stopped myself and said "I'll wait for it to become a problem". The breadcrumbs texts do nothing for me but give me hope about something that's not there. I don't know if she's dating someone new. If she is, why is she talking to me? If she's not, well why is she talking to me? I also don't want to snoop on her facebook or twitter to find out what she's thinking. Seeing that she's miserable and posting emotional statuses about being ignored might make me feel good, but seeing anything else would make me feel like crap. A picture of her and a new guy? Forget it! I'd lose it.
Mike_d Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 ^ that's called "being stuck", and it is a choice. You *can* make a different choice... Meanwhile, your life isn't going to wait for you So the breadcrumbs she is sending seem to be having their desired effect then, why are you giving her all the control? Stop trying to rationalize everything, you can't think your way into a solution. So you don't want to see the stuff, yet you leave yourself little openings that allow you to torture yourself all day long - how healthy do you really think that is? Do you feel that you somehow should be punished for what happened? That if you just did enough penance that she might see/feel that and come back? Why are you not willing to accept the message that she is giving you, your relationship is over, your trust was violated - yet somehow having that back would be a sufficient relationship for you? So let's play it out then, she comes back. Can you trust her? Will she somehow grow to be a better partner? How do you resolve the sins of the past? When she turns back to duty sex again how will you resolve that lack of intimacy within the relationship? And for you, what new tools have you developed that will cause her to respect you, to be drawn to you. How are you stronger emotionally? How does she see a stronger man within your behavior where you've caved in and taken back someone who has done you wrong? How does that build her trust in you that you'll be able to protect her? answer- it doesn't, in any way shape or form "The last time I was about to block her number, I stopped myself and said "I'll wait for it to become a problem"." how is this NOT a problem right now?? Look at the emotional trauma you are inflicting on yourself just in your post above - seems to me you've met your boundary head on right here, and you see that, yet you won't enforce it even for yourself?? 1
Chi townD Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 (edited) Let's take stock of your situation in bullet format: 1. She cheated on you. 2. She entered into a relationship with her AP. 3. She talked smack about you to other people. 4. She humiliated you through texts. 5. You stated that she thinks people generally think she's a nice person. 6. You don't think she's a nice person and it's burning her ass. 7. You wrote that she's friends with all her Ex's, except you. You're in her corral. So, what's there to talk about? Does she need your email address so she can send you some pics of her screwing this guy to make your humiliation complete? I know it sucks and if your getting texts from her, you're probably wishing she could give you more of an idea of what she wants to talk about rather than, "I need to talk to you." But, in the same way of thinking, if all she sending you is "I need to talk to you", you can probably gage that it's not that important. Edited December 17, 2012 by Chi townD 1
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