ImperfectionisBeauty Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 So I have been going back and forth with this for a while usually if I am OLD I will meet a guy and talk to him for a little while like a week or 2 and then if he talks about wanting to meet me I will let him know "I was born with cerebral palsy, I use a cane to walk, it isn't a huge deal but I just want you to know so if you decide you don't want to meet I understand" most are like "it's fine I understand it's no problem" I think out of maybe 15 guys who I will tell only 2 have cared UNTIL recently. It's like recently I CANNOT catch a break (another reason for my decision to stop OLD) I have told like 4 guys and each has just cut me off, one said "I am not shallow that doesn't matter to me at all" and that was the last thing he said -_- then tonight I have been talking to this guy for about 2-3 weeks and he asked me if I want to get together this week and I said sure and I told him about the CP and he was like "oh it's fine" then he said "you should have told me sooner, it's quite a position to be in and it is unfair, I am not a shallow person but I feel like a dick" and I didn't know what to say I was just like "at least I didn't wait to just show you at the date :)". I feel like if you like the person that someone is why does it matter? If you feel like I am the type of person you want to get to know then get to know me WTF! It really pisses me off, and now I am worried because is every single guy going to think that because I walk with a cane I am undateable? I always knew I would have trouble dating and when I was younger I was completely prepared to never meet someone who would want to date me I just KNEW I would be alone forever and I hated it but it was whatever. Now I have gotten a little spoiled and had a few guys be accepting of it, but maybe those guys were the exceptions and not the rule.. I don't know how to deal with this guy now because at this point I want to just be like **** it, **** you if you don't want to go out then fine, but I don't want to be rude I mean he doesn't deserve that. I had a guy ask me one why I don't include that on my profile but why would I? Do you think any guy would read "well I have cerebral palsy and use a cane" and think "wow that is the girl I want to date" highly doubtful. I don't know what to do, I am not intentionally deceiving these men but I am a good person, I would be a good girlfriend, so I feel like CP should be overlooked.
todreaminblue Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 So I have been going back and forth with this for a while usually if I am OLD I will meet a guy and talk to him for a little while like a week or 2 and then if he talks about wanting to meet me I will let him know "I was born with cerebral palsy, I use a cane to walk, it isn't a huge deal but I just want you to know so if you decide you don't want to meet I understand" most are like "it's fine I understand it's no problem" I think out of maybe 15 guys who I will tell only 2 have cared UNTIL recently. It's like recently I CANNOT catch a break (another reason for my decision to stop OLD) I have told like 4 guys and each has just cut me off, one said "I am not shallow that doesn't matter to me at all" and that was the last thing he said -_- then tonight I have been talking to this guy for about 2-3 weeks and he asked me if I want to get together this week and I said sure and I told him about the CP and he was like "oh it's fine" then he said "you should have told me sooner, it's quite a position to be in and it is unfair, I am not a shallow person but I feel like a dick" and I didn't know what to say I was just like "at least I didn't wait to just show you at the date :)". I feel like if you like the person that someone is why does it matter? If you feel like I am the type of person you want to get to know then get to know me WTF! It really pisses me off, and now I am worried because is every single guy going to think that because I walk with a cane I am undateable? I always knew I would have trouble dating and when I was younger I was completely prepared to never meet someone who would want to date me I just KNEW I would be alone forever and I hated it but it was whatever. Now I have gotten a little spoiled and had a few guys be accepting of it, but maybe those guys were the exceptions and not the rule.. I don't know how to deal with this guy now because at this point I want to just be like **** it, **** you if you don't want to go out then fine, but I don't want to be rude I mean he doesn't deserve that. I had a guy ask me one why I don't include that on my profile but why would I? Do you think any guy would read "well I have cerebral palsy and use a cane" and think "wow that is the girl I want to date" highly doubtful. I don't know what to do, I am not intentionally deceiving these men but I am a good person, I would be a good girlfriend, so I feel like CP should be overlooked. i come clean abotu my mental illness pretty quickly ....i dotn want to eb with soemone who cant handle me ro mental illness.......i accept my illness it freaking sucks ....but i accept it...i think you should accept yours you dont have to hide it get it out there soldier......stuff them.....they suck if they dont want to date you because fo that...put it out there early you wont have to worry....deb 2
suladas Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I think it's just bad luck with the guys you've run into, it wouldn't matter to me. But with a lot of people in their younger 20's i could see where they might not be ok with it, but it's their loss anyways if they are that shallow. I think you are doing the right thing by waiting to tell them until you are ready to meet up. Just keep looking you'll find someone 1
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 i come clean abotu my mental illness pretty quickly ....i dotn want to eb with soemone who cant handle me ro mental illness.......i accept my illness it freaking sucks ....but i accept it...i think you should accept yours you dont have to hide it get it out there soldier......stuff them.....they suck if they dont want to date you because fo that...put it out there early you wont have to worry....deb But I don't want it to be the first thing they know, I mean isn't it better to let them know me a little as a person then tell them so they aren't solely deciding based on CP. Most guys go and google it and then you see these pictures and what it is and they don't realize mine is not as severe. I remeber after I told my ex he was like "oh I googled it, so you're not in a wheelchair right? do you have a speech impediment?" they assume the worst and it isn't that bad. If I didn't tell them they wouldn't know solely based on my pictures. I just don't know the right time
Mrlonelyone Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 When I was living 100 as a woman and stealth mode I did not tell men I was transgender. It always lead to a very bad situation. Now I realize that it is not socially acceptable for a guy to spaz out over you having CP, but internally it makes no difference. OLD is a meat market, and people want to find the best cut they can get. In fact OLD is such a meat market that unless one decides enough is enough and they are happy with what they have they will never stop trying to trade up. My advice to you is to meet people in real life. Just have the courage to be open to men who approach you in real life and put yourself in places where you can be approached. I am trying OLD but to be honest I don't see much promise in it. I do better in real life and online gets me a little flirting and fun. 2
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 I think it's just bad luck with the guys you've run into, it wouldn't matter to me. But with a lot of people in their younger 20's i could see where they might not be ok with it, but it's their loss anyways if they are that shallow. I think you are doing the right thing by waiting to tell them until you are ready to meet up. Just keep looking you'll find someone So optimistic thanks
yongyong Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I don't think OLD will be good for you. I am going to be honest and I know some bitches are going to flip out on me. If they still want to meet you after hearing your condition, you should be suspicious about their main motives. Plus, do you know there are some guys who want to bang women with a special condition just to talk about it? I encourage guys to whatever they want on OLD but in a case like this, I just wanted to give you heads up. 2
todreaminblue Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 But I don't want it to be the first thing they know, I mean isn't it better to let them know me a little as a person then tell them so they aren't solely deciding based on CP. Most guys go and google it and then you see these pictures and what it is and they don't realize mine is not as severe. I remeber after I told my ex he was like "oh I googled it, so you're not in a wheelchair right? do you have a speech impediment?" they assume the worst and it isn't that bad. If I didn't tell them they wouldn't know solely based on my pictures. I just don't know the right time It doesnt matter what you have said before or how long they have gotten to know you, if they are the type fo person to discount you because of a disability they will do that anyway....the people who wont....are the ones who will talk to in spite of your disability and they wont care that is one of the first things you say.....i have met someone who doesnt care he knows em through my family he accepts em and has shown he is interested......i didnt actually have to mention it....makes me wonder what else he knows though thats my paranoia....i guess..there are acept ign peopel out there who will eb attracted to you maybe they have issues fo thri own and havent had it easy like minds find liek minds.......anyway its better to get it out there....and you not get invested on a dick who is shallow ro a guy who cant handle your type of disability....hugs to ya....from me to you....deb 2
todreaminblue Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I don't think OLD will be good for you. I am going to be honest and I know some bitches are going to flip out on me. If they still want to meet you after hearing your condition, you should be suspicious about their main motives. Plus, do you know there are some guys who want to bang women with a special condition just to talk about it? I encourage guys to whatever they want on OLD but in a case like this, I just wanted to give you heads up. I actually agree on oen of yoru points its true.....there are men who find otu you are mentally ill....and assume yep crazy sex ......thsi is goign to eb fun.....i know how to burst that bubble if i see it......i sing yellow submarine off key really loud on a first date.....it works........deb 1
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 I don't think OLD will be good for you. I am going to be honest and I know some bitches are going to flip out on me. If they still want to meet you after hearing your condition, you should be suspicious about their main motives. Plus, do you know there are some guys who want to bang women with a special condition just to talk about it? I encourage guys to whatever they want on OLD but in a case like this, I just wanted to give you heads up. It's not like a super special thing though? I mean are you saying I shouldn't date at all?
ThaWholigan Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I have the same dilemma regarding autism. I'm high functioning to such a point that it isn't noticeable except to those who know the disorder well - but there are really weird things I do that I could not explain at all unless I disclosed my order. I play games with it - I pick and choose moments where I reveal my condition to gauge reactions. Sometimes for fun. Be careful how you disclose your condition. It doesn't have to be upfront unless it's extremely noticeable.
yongyong Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 When did I say you shouldn't date? I just think people with such condition will get hurt more if some guy disappears after blowing his load. anyways, I don't know what your main object is. I am sure there are a lot of girls who don't mind just having sex with guys as NSA. If this is not your main goal, then you should be more careful. It's not like a super special thing though? I mean are you saying I shouldn't date at all?
Cutiepie1976 Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 (edited) "I was born with cerebral palsy, I use a cane to walk, it isn't a huge deal but I just want you to know so if you decide you don't want to meet I understand" Hi IB! This statement should be in your profile. Also make sure that you have a bunch of photos of you active and doing the things you love. If you want a good shot at getting to a second date (which is what you need before you can get to a relationship), you have to be completely honest about all your shortcomings. You'll have far fewer first dates, but those guys you do date will be more serious about getting to know you. Why waste your time on dates that are going to go nowhere? Dating someone with a disability is like dating someone with any other characteristic. Everyone has personal preferences. It may not feel fair, but that's the way it is. It's much like height, weight, hair length, or whatever. There are some disability forums that you may want to check out. I believe many of them will chat about dating with a disability. Don't worry. You'll meet someone who wants the same things you do! It just takes time and patience for everyone. Keep the faith. Edited December 17, 2012 by Cutiepie1976
Radu Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 When did I say you shouldn't date? I just think people with such condition will get hurt more if some guy disappears after blowing his load. anyways, I don't know what your main object is. I am sure there are a lot of girls who don't mind just having sex with guys as NSA. If this is not your main goal, then you should be more careful. I don't know about the posters on this site, but treating someone who is different as 'special' is more demeaning.
yongyong Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I just don't know the appropriate word what is politically correct? disabled? handicapped? challenged? educate me. I don't know about the posters on this site, but treating someone who is different as 'special' is more demeaning.
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 Hi IB! This statement should be in your profile. Also make sure that you have a bunch of photos of you active and doing the things you love. If you want a good shot at getting to a second date (which is what you need before you can get to a relationship), you have to be completely honest about all your shortcomings. You'll have far fewer first dates, but those guys you do date will be more serious about getting to know you. Why waste your time on dates that are going to go nowhere? Dating someone with a disability is like dating someone with any other characteristic. Everyone has personal preferences. It may not feel fair, but that's the way it is. It's much like height, weight, hair length, or whatever. There are some disability forums that you may want to check out. I believe many of them will chat about dating with a disability. Don't worry. You'll meet someone who wants the same things you do! It just takes time and patience for everyone. Keep the faith. The thing is no one would talk to me if I posted that, especially not some of the guys I have wanted or have had talk to me you know?
Radu Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I just don't know the appropriate word what is politically correct? disabled? handicapped? challenged? educate me. I replied to a different part of your post. PC does not exist in my country [and i'm happy for it].
SmileFace Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I really think it is the first thing you should tell them. It isn't fair to them that you tell them later. Since you may be wasting your own time and others who may find that a deal breaker. Plus waiting and actually getting an emotional attachment to guys then to only have them leave over that is only going to cost you more emotional pain. 1
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 I really think it is the first thing you should tell them. It isn't fair to them that you tell them later. Since you may be wasting your own time and others who may find that a deal breaker. Plus waiting and actually getting an emotional attachment to guys then to only have them leave over that is only going to cost you more emotional pain. So how do I tell them first? Just like the first thing before I start a convo?? It's so rude of them to not accept it.. Like why would someone not accept it it's just bull****
gaius Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Tell him you use a cane before you meet but leave the CP term out. That should separate out the ones who are not open minded in regards to conditions like that but not totally freak out guys who might be open to it but don't have many in person experiences regarding CP. 4
SmileFace Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 So how do I tell them first? Just like the first thing before I start a convo?? It's so rude of them to not accept it.. Like why would someone not accept it it's just bull**** Do you accept everything about people? I just think if you do plan to do OLD - it should be in your profile. I think the way Gaius mentioned you do it is tasteful. It isn't rude actually but if you think that way - that is fine. 3
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 You know how a guy tells you that he's not exactly done with his "last relationship" until he's established some kind of emotional connection to give himself a better chance of you not running for the hills? You're kind of doing the same thing. I realize you don't necessarily intend to be misleading or manipulative because you don't want people to judge you for your condition...but they certainly can feel misled...somewhat "setup" by investing in someone who has an issue but felt it was something not worth mentioning right away even though If they had met you in real life it would have been obvious...basically you didn't sell them the whole pie and used the internet to your advantage, by omitting something that would clearly be important to most people...at least important enough to mention in a profile. The sad thing is (and by reading most of your threads I understand why you do this) is that you don't have the confidence to stand by the way you are and always feel like you need every little edge or advantage or you're just going to scare a guy away...to the point where you feel you need to mislead someone into dating you until it likely comes time to actually meet...then it's "oh by the way...I got a cane", It's like wtf? don't you think that would have been worth mentioning before hand? You had plenty of time. But no, you rather not deter someone from having interest in you...someone who was probably only looking to use you anyway. The people who are going to walk away are going to walk away anyway, because those people are likely not going to be the accepting and compassionate type of men. At best you might get some guy who's willing to "give it a shot anyway" to see if he could get lucky then be like "hell naw, not for a relationship though!" I think you've got to take the high road and mention it at least at the end of your profile, although for myself I'd want to make it clear that someone understood what they were getting into so they had the ability to accept my condition before hand...I wouldn't want to assume someone knew and then "surprise" in real life because they never made it down that far in your profile...as many guys in OLD will do. So as much as I understand you don't want this to ruin your dating and romantic life, it's something that you've got to learn to embrace and live with, it can't be comforting living with it knowing that you haven't told this guy and it might send him for the hills...I know you think you're just giving yourself a chance but you'd be far better off educating these guys with a link in your profile or adding some information what your condition was then for them to google it and see some guy crunched into the side of the wheel chair making noise. You've got to learn to deal with insecurities in the best way possible for your own good...everybody has got them, it's just unfortunate you have to put it out there more than maybe most, but it doesn't mean others are more in the right just because they can hide them. 3
SmileFace Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 You know how a guy tells you that he's not exactly done with his "last relationship" until he's established some kind of emotional connection to give himself a better chance of you not running for the hills? You're kind of doing the same thing. I realize you don't necessarily intend to be misleading or manipulative because you don't want people to judge you for your condition...but they certainly can feel misled...somewhat "setup" by investing in someone who has an issue but felt it was something not worth mentioning right away even though If they had met you in real life it would have been obvious...basically you didn't sell them the whole pie and used the internet to your advantage, by omitting something that would clearly be important to most people...at least important enough to mention in a profile. The sad thing is (and by reading most of your threads I understand why you do this) is that you don't have the confidence to stand by the way you are and always feel like you need every little edge or advantage or you're just going to scare a guy away...to the point where you feel you need to mislead someone into dating you until it likely comes time to actually meet...then it's "oh by the way...I got a cane", It's like wtf? don't you think that would have been worth mentioning before hand? You had plenty of time. But no, you rather not deter someone from having interest in you...someone who was probably only looking to use you anyway. The people who are going to walk away are going to walk away anyway, because those people are likely not going to be the accepting and compassionate type of men. At best you might get some guy who's willing to "give it a shot anyway" to see if he could get lucky then be like "hell naw, not for a relationship though!" I think you've got to take the high road and mention it at least at the end of your profile, although for myself I'd want to make it clear that someone understood what they were getting into so they had the ability to accept my condition before hand...I wouldn't want to assume someone knew and then "surprise" in real life because they never made it down that far in your profile...as many guys in OLD will do. So as much as I understand you don't want this to ruin your dating and romantic life, it's something that you've got to learn to embrace and live with, it can't be comforting living with it knowing that you haven't told this guy and it might send him for the hills...I know you think you're just giving yourself a chance but you'd be far better off educating these guys with a link in your profile or adding some information what your condition was then for them to google it and see some guy crunched into the side of the wheel chair making noise. You've got to learn to deal with insecurities in the best way possible for your own good...everybody has got them, it's just unfortunate you have to put it out there more than maybe most, but it doesn't mean others are more in the right just because they can hide them. Well said!
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 Do you accept everything about people? I just think if you do plan to do OLD - it should be in your profile. I think the way Gaius mentioned you do it is tasteful. It isn't rude actually but if you think that way - that is fine. So if you ran across a guy online who said oh btw I walk with a cane and have cp you would still make the effort to contact them?
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 You know how a guy tells you that he's not exactly done with his "last relationship" until he's established some kind of emotional connection to give himself a better chance of you not running for the hills? You're kind of doing the same thing. I realize you don't necessarily intend to be misleading or manipulative because you don't want people to judge you for your condition...but they certainly can feel misled...somewhat "setup" by investing in someone who has an issue but felt it was something not worth mentioning right away even though If they had met you in real life it would have been obvious...basically you didn't sell them the whole pie and used the internet to your advantage, by omitting something that would clearly be important to most people...at least important enough to mention in a profile. The sad thing is (and by reading most of your threads I understand why you do this) is that you don't have the confidence to stand by the way you are and always feel like you need every little edge or advantage or you're just going to scare a guy away...to the point where you feel you need to mislead someone into dating you until it likely comes time to actually meet...then it's "oh by the way...I got a cane", It's like wtf? don't you think that would have been worth mentioning before hand? You had plenty of time. But no, you rather not deter someone from having interest in you...someone who was probably only looking to use you anyway. The people who are going to walk away are going to walk away anyway, because those people are likely not going to be the accepting and compassionate type of men. At best you might get some guy who's willing to "give it a shot anyway" to see if he could get lucky then be like "hell naw, not for a relationship though!" I think you've got to take the high road and mention it at least at the end of your profile, although for myself I'd want to make it clear that someone understood what they were getting into so they had the ability to accept my condition before hand...I wouldn't want to assume someone knew and then "surprise" in real life because they never made it down that far in your profile...as many guys in OLD will do. So as much as I understand you don't want this to ruin your dating and romantic life, it's something that you've got to learn to embrace and live with, it can't be comforting living with it knowing that you haven't told this guy and it might send him for the hills...I know you think you're just giving yourself a chance but you'd be far better off educating these guys with a link in your profile or adding some information what your condition was then for them to google it and see some guy crunched into the side of the wheel chair making noise. You've got to learn to deal with insecurities in the best way possible for your own good...everybody has got them, it's just unfortunate you have to put it out there more than maybe most, but it doesn't mean others are more in the right just because they can hide them. I mean I guess I agree and it would be worth a try at some point I guess but I highly doubt any guy would even message me. It is not like I'm waiting until the first date to tell them or waiting until they see me. I just am waiting until they ask me on a date, sometimes its 2-3 days sometimes longer.i don't feel like I need to expose that unless it is something that will at least result in a date. Idk I mean I guess if I decide to old again I can try but it's just ****ty to deal with, someone told me I shouldn't even tell them and let them figure it out on the date lol I wouldn't do that either.
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