Babel89 Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 So here's the situation: I am in love with my best friend's girlfriend. I have known both of them for 2+ years now. We are (might be were) three super close friends. We all lived together (them two in a room, me in another, and another roommate) until this passed summer, upon which the boyfriend (my best friend) graduated and moved to another city (1 1/2 hours away) to pursue further education. I no longer live in that house (needed a different type of lease) and she moved to another place with the other roommate (also a girl). We three have a lot of great memories together, one of the biggest being that over this passed summer we traveled/backpacked in another country. Some history about them: They have been dating for seven years. The guy is an amazing person. He is a hard worker, passionate about what he wants to do, and is all-and-all a great friend to have. However, he also is extremely insecure, constantly accusing the girl of cheating on him, even resorting to checking her Facebook and phone to see who she has been talking to. This is his first and only girlfriend. Even after seven years, this is still happening. How do I know this? Well here is the kicker. She and I started hanging out a lot more than normal this passed semester. She started getting into the same things I loved to do (climbing being the number one thing). I have known that I loved her since February of this year (honestly I might have had feelings before that, but they were definitely confirmed this year, those many months ago, for no apparent reason. I just looked up at her one day when she was in the backyard, and realized that I loved her). I have tried to push these feeling down, and forget about it, for the sake of salvaging the relationship I want to keep with both of them. I dated other girls, but it wasn't the same. These last two weeks have been, for lack of better word, ridiculous. We ended up cuddling four times times (once last week, three these last three nights) after climbing and/or eating dinner at her place (with her roommate and friends sometime). Also there was wine involved...Anyway, I basically poured my heart out, and in return she told me she shared those feelings as well. She said she didn't realize she had feelings for me until we were all travelling. She told me she had planned to break up with him after we all got back from travelling (not for me, at least I don't think so, but just that the relationship wasn't where it used to be), but she decided not to because she wanted the guy to be in a safe state of mind (just to reiterate, he is extremely insecure and has some serious trust issues, and she feels that she needs to be with him just to be with him). She said that she wants him to be able to experience dating other girls so that he can respect their relationship the way it should be respected. Though we were both drunk (nothing physical happened besides cuddling) we both meant every word we said to each other, because the next morning she continued to tell me how she felt. Here's how i'm feeling about this entire, crappy conflicted situation: On one hand, I love my best friend like a brother. I feel extremely guilty about this whole situation. Is it my fault that these feelings developed? Am I the bad guy? I shouldn't have put her in this situation. I am going to be leaving to a different state the beginning of next year (for work), and I feel it's wrong for me to have professed my love for her, because I am able to simply move to a new place and move on (though I don't think it will be that easy) while she has to deal with all of this bull****. Nor do I want to betray his trust (though I feel I already have). I tried so hard to "get over" her, but I couldn't. I'm smitten. And he is not a bad guy at all (as I said before). He does love her with all his heart. His trust issues are a result of how he was brought up, and unfortunately it is driving her away. On the other hand, I am, truly, in love with this girl. Everything about her. I have dated many women, and i'm not a womanizer or anything of the like. I just truly love her. I have grown too close to her to not feel otherwise. I don't really know why I'm posting on a forum. I've never done anything like this before. I just wanted to vent, and I guess I wanted some advice.
tman666 Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 In my opinion, it sounds like their relationship is doomed independently of your involvement. That said, it was sh*tty of you, as this guy's friend, to allow yourself to indulge in these feelings, especially at a moment when their relationship is most vulnerable. She is basically emotionally cheating on him right now, and you are helping facilitate that. Does it make you a bad guy? Nah man. If you were a bad guy, you wouldn't be contemplating this right now. What you are doing is bad though, and I think that you should, from here on out, take the high road and back out of it. Chances are that they will break up, and that she might even come your way looking for more romance. If your friend finds out about this, or if you start dating her after they break up, there will be a falling out, mark my words. Therefore, you have a decision to make: do you value your relationship with the girl more, or with your friend? It will be impossible to have one or the other, most likely. From your description, he doesn't sound like the type to just be able to let it go. Hell, he sounds more along the lines of "stab you guys in your sleep" than "let it go". There are other girls in the world, brother. Think about how this will affect your friend. Do the right thing and lead with your brain, not your heart.
Eddie Edirol Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 This is what will happen if you pursued this. You gauge how you would feel about this possible scenario. If she started dating you and dumped him, everything that he had going for him could possibly disintegrate. He would get severely depressed, and would think that you and her have been fooling around before the actual breakup. So now he has to stop talking to both of you, he lost his best friend and his gf. He wont be able to concentrate in school and would have to quit until he could stop thinking of her. Not only that, but his insecurity would skyrocket because he thinks he was right. You could potentially destroy him for YEARS. What you should do now is tell him straight up that his insecurity is driving his gf away and he has to cut the shyt or else he will lose her soon. You have proof because she told you. Then she can tell him. Tell him he is chipping away at her attraction to him with his insecurity. If he can fix it, great. if he cant, she will dump him and she will be fair game. Since you already told him by this time, there was nothing else you can do. Actually, based on stats, he's lucky she stayed with him this long.
Author Babel89 Posted December 20, 2012 Author Posted December 20, 2012 In my opinion, it sounds like their relationship is doomed independently of your involvement. That said, it was sh*tty of you, as this guy's friend, to allow yourself to indulge in these feelings, especially at a moment when their relationship is most vulnerable. She is basically emotionally cheating on him right now, and you are helping facilitate that. Does it make you a bad guy? Nah man. If you were a bad guy, you wouldn't be contemplating this right now. What you are doing is bad though, and I think that you should, from here on out, take the high road and back out of it. Chances are that they will break up, and that she might even come your way looking for more romance. If your friend finds out about this, or if you start dating her after they break up, there will be a falling out, mark my words. Therefore, you have a decision to make: do you value your relationship with the girl more, or with your friend? It will be impossible to have one or the other, most likely. From your description, he doesn't sound like the type to just be able to let it go. Hell, he sounds more along the lines of "stab you guys in your sleep" than "let it go". There are other girls in the world, brother. Think about how this will affect your friend. Do the right thing and lead with your brain, not your heart. I think you're right about a lot. So say they do end up breaking up. What's your opinion on starting to date her after that (waiting for a while obviously)? And I mean, i'm moving to a different state in a month. Taking the high road is so difficult to do, because out of all of the things i'm going to miss (friends, family, my roots, etc.) i'm going to miss her the most. And when I move, I definitely won't be over her. What's your opinion on how to get over her? I mean, really, what are all my options with this entire scenario...?
Author Babel89 Posted December 20, 2012 Author Posted December 20, 2012 This is what will happen if you pursued this. You gauge how you would feel about this possible scenario. If she started dating you and dumped him, everything that he had going for him could possibly disintegrate. He would get severely depressed, and would think that you and her have been fooling around before the actual breakup. So now he has to stop talking to both of you, he lost his best friend and his gf. He wont be able to concentrate in school and would have to quit until he could stop thinking of her. Not only that, but his insecurity would skyrocket because he thinks he was right. You could potentially destroy him for YEARS. What you should do now is tell him straight up that his insecurity is driving his gf away and he has to cut the shyt or else he will lose her soon. You have proof because she told you. Then she can tell him. Tell him he is chipping away at her attraction to him with his insecurity. If he can fix it, great. if he cant, she will dump him and she will be fair game. Since you already told him by this time, there was nothing else you can do. Actually, based on stats, he's lucky she stayed with him this long. You're definitely right, it would crush him. And she agrees that it will also. This is the inherent issue- we both don't want to hurt him, and hence we just can't be together. But you're saying that if I just tell him straight up, it's not like i'm using that as a scapegoat for the future (if they do end up breaking up) to go and date her? And regardless, as I asked the other guy, what do I really do to get over her? I haven't felt this attached to a girl in a very long time. I mentioned that i'm moving to a different state. Is it just the whole cliched 'time will tell' stuff?
Eddie Edirol Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 You're definitely right, it would crush him. And she agrees that it will also. This is the inherent issue- we both don't want to hurt him, and hence we just can't be together. But you're saying that if I just tell him straight up, it's not like i'm using that as a scapegoat for the future (if they do end up breaking up) to go and date her? And regardless, as I asked the other guy, what do I really do to get over her? I haven't felt this attached to a girl in a very long time. I mentioned that i'm moving to a different state. Is it just the whole cliched 'time will tell' stuff? If you tell him, and he cant straighten himself up and she dumps him - after she tells him too, then I think he's gonna get hurt anyway regardless, so you would be guilt free. Only way to get over her is to not talk to her or see her. If you move away, you can accomplish both. Then time will tell.
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