The 209 Martian Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I posted this on other forums but I figure I’d try to get as many opinions as possible. It’s might be a TL;DR but here goes: I was once close to a co-worker of mine. We're both in our 20s and we ended up hitting it off (Mainly because we shared a very similar sense of humor, were both single and the youngest ones in the department). Eventually, we became the best of work friends: We ate together almost daily, did all sorts of activities together, tried our best to entertain one another and soon became comfortable enough to begin sharing personal details and secrets with each other. Note that this was strictly a platonic friendship. Admittedly, I did have a crush on her and looking back, I think she might have felt the same way. Maybe? Though this is probably best saved for another post. But the point is that we ended up getting really close (For work friends anyways). Of course, once you get too close and comfortable with someone, you're opening up the door to inevitable moments of unpleasantness. Long story short, I've had personal problems that had nothing to do with her and were mine to deal with. But little by little, they ended up affecting our relationship anyways. Eventually, we had a huge fight about something unrelated and it was the straw that broke the camel's back that ended our friendship. For my part, I take full responsibility for what happened. I was not behaving well at work and I think I did hurt her a few times (Or at the very least, annoyed her to a great degree). I did try to apologize to her for said big fight but she wasn't that receptive to it. Though admittedly, it wasn’t the best apology at the time. In the end, we had a final heart-to-heart where she bluntly told me that because of certain things about me at the time, she could not be close to me anymore. Without revealing much, it was my attitude and outlook on life more than anything that got to her. It's been about two months now and she's been cold ever since. Professionally, we're 100% fine and work together as well as always. We just don't hang out or have fun anymore. I don't know about her but for me, it's been kind of tough. I admit that I miss her friendship and her company quite a bit. She's the first close friend I've ever lost. As cliché as that “You don't know what you've got until it's gone” line is, it’s never resonated more to me than now. Anyways, I took her criticism to heart and did make some big changes in my life and attitude. Partly because of her but mostly because I was in a pretty bad state at the time and really did need to change before something worse happened. So I've been slowly trying to improve myself one day at a time. And here I am today where I feel confident enough to at least try to reconcile with her. But I'm not sure if it's the best idea? For starters, I don't know what she's thinking anymore. Does she even want the friendship back? I keep getting mixed signals from her. There are brief moments of the warmness we used to have. Then the next moment she gets cold again. It just confuses the hell out of me. Obviously, I don't want to get a rejection, but moreso, I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable anymore because that's how much she means to me as a friend. Talking to friends and family, I got advice ranging from “just wait and see if she notices the changes in me” to “I should just move on” to “I should be straight up and tell her honestly how I feel and tell her I want to be close friends again”. Just not too sure which is the right choice at this point.
aMguilts Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I posted this on other forums but I figure I’d try to get as many opinions as possible. It’s might be a TL;DR but here goes: I was once close to a co-worker of mine. We're both in our 20s and we ended up hitting it off (Mainly because we shared a very similar sense of humor, were both single and the youngest ones in the department). Eventually, we became the best of work friends: We ate together almost daily, did all sorts of activities together, tried our best to entertain one another and soon became comfortable enough to begin sharing personal details and secrets with each other. Note that this was strictly a platonic friendship. Admittedly, I did have a crush on her and looking back, I think she might have felt the same way. Maybe? Though this is probably best saved for another post. But the point is that we ended up getting really close (For work friends anyways). Of course, once you get too close and comfortable with someone, you're opening up the door to inevitable moments of unpleasantness. Long story short, I've had personal problems that had nothing to do with her and were mine to deal with. But little by little, they ended up affecting our relationship anyways. Eventually, we had a huge fight about something unrelated and it was the straw that broke the camel's back that ended our friendship. For my part, I take full responsibility for what happened. I was not behaving well at work and I think I did hurt her a few times (Or at the very least, annoyed her to a great degree). I did try to apologize to her for said big fight but she wasn't that receptive to it. Though admittedly, it wasn’t the best apology at the time. In the end, we had a final heart-to-heart where she bluntly told me that because of certain things about me at the time, she could not be close to me anymore. Without revealing much, it was my attitude and outlook on life more than anything that got to her. It's been about two months now and she's been cold ever since. Professionally, we're 100% fine and work together as well as always. We just don't hang out or have fun anymore. I don't know about her but for me, it's been kind of tough. I admit that I miss her friendship and her company quite a bit. She's the first close friend I've ever lost. As cliché as that “You don't know what you've got until it's gone” line is, it’s never resonated more to me than now. Anyways, I took her criticism to heart and did make some big changes in my life and attitude. Partly because of her but mostly because I was in a pretty bad state at the time and really did need to change before something worse happened. So I've been slowly trying to improve myself one day at a time. And here I am today where I feel confident enough to at least try to reconcile with her. But I'm not sure if it's the best idea? For starters, I don't know what she's thinking anymore. Does she even want the friendship back? I keep getting mixed signals from her. There are brief moments of the warmness we used to have. Then the next moment she gets cold again. It just confuses the hell out of me. Obviously, I don't want to get a rejection, but moreso, I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable anymore because that's how much she means to me as a friend. Talking to friends and family, I got advice ranging from “just wait and see if she notices the changes in me” to “I should just move on” to “I should be straight up and tell her honestly how I feel and tell her I want to be close friends again”. Just not too sure which is the right choice at this point. Hi The 209 Martian. Well you hurt her for whatever reason so she is wary of you. In her mind she`s thinking well he hurt me once so he can do it again. It`s not a good idea to tell her how you feel about her. That`ll be pushing her. What you need to do is start pulling. That means backing off. Be aloof with her. All the time you chase her she will not want to know. Stop the chasing. make sense? aM
Author The 209 Martian Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 Hi The 209 Martian. Well you hurt her for whatever reason so she is wary of you. In her mind she`s thinking well he hurt me once so he can do it again. It`s not a good idea to tell her how you feel about her. That`ll be pushing her. What you need to do is start pulling. That means backing off. Be aloof with her. All the time you chase her she will not want to know. Stop the chasing. make sense? aM Hey, thanks for the reply. Well, that is essentially our relationship at this point, just aloofness 99% of the time. It might not be favourite thing or what I want, but I try to leave her alone as much as possible. Though I understand your point of view of not having another talk. Like if I were in love in her, yes, it would be silly to ever try to approach her again. Are you saying even an admission of wanting only friendship is just as bad?
aMguilts Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Hey, thanks for the reply. Well, that is essentially our relationship at this point, just aloofness 99% of the time. It might not be favourite thing or what I want, but I try to leave her alone as much as possible. Though I understand your point of view of not having another talk. Like if I were in love in her, yes, it would be silly to ever try to approach her again. Are you saying even an admission of wanting only friendship is just as bad? yeah. You hurt her, she trusted you. She no longer has that trust. You can say WHATEVER to her and she will not believe it cos the trust has gone for her. Back off. Give her space. aM
Author The 209 Martian Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 yeah. You hurt her, she trusted you. She no longer has that trust. You can say WHATEVER to her and she will not believe it cos the trust has gone for her. Back off. Give her space. aM I'll take your message under advisement. Thanks! Unrelated, but look at some of your previous posts, I think we have the same medical condition. Good luck this Holiday season, man.
aMguilts Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I'll take your message under advisement. Thanks! Unrelated, but look at some of your previous posts, I think we have the same medical condition. Good luck this Holiday season, man. i don`t need to look, i remember everything but thanks anyway you too aM
simonsez Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I did try to apologize to her for said big fight but she wasn't that receptive to it. Though admittedly, it wasn’t the best apology at the time. You need to apologize correctly. An apology that isn't a good one is sometimes seen as no apology at all. Write her a note. " I want you to know that I didn't give you the best apology after our said big fight. I was wrong and I should never have talked or treated you in the way that I did. I want you to know that I am sorry for what a jerk I was. I do miss our friendship, however I don't blame you for not wanting to be close to me anymore. I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am and I was wrong." Just admit you were wrong. Admit you were a jerk. Tell her you are sorry and tell her you don't blame her for the way she feels. Nothing more. THEN let it go. Don't pursue. Just continue to be nice to her when you do get an opportunity. Nothing more. The rest is up to her. No contact is silly when you owe someone an apology.
aMguilts Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 i disagree. When someone is that hurt, `sorry` is just another word. You can say whatever, but to them, you might as well be talking a different language. Actions speak more than any words. You`ve said sorry so leave it at that. Or keep on saying sorry, writing her letters about how much you are sorry, throw flowers at her door every day wake the whole neighbourhood up at night by singing to her/ it won`t change a thing. You hurt her. She is hurting. Leave her alone. You have apologised. Let her come to you, stop pushing her aM
simonsez Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 NO. When you hurt someone it is ALWAYS best to apologize. Nobody told him to "keep" apologizing. You are trying to make it look as if an apology is suddenly pursuing, chasing, singing at her window and throwing flowers at her. Good try, but they aren't even close to the same thing. He hurt her and he needs to give her a good old fashioned "I was wrong" apology. His own words were (and I quote) Though admittedly, it wasn’t the best apology at the time. Do what I told you to do. Write an apology and mean it. Your other so called apology meant nothing if it wasn't the "best." Then leave her alone. Too many people on this site take No Contact too the extreme. In your case you first have to set up the correct situation for your no contact to have a chance of working. Man up and apologize. It is weak to hurt someone and then give a flippant apology and then expect no contact to work. If someone hurt me and didn't offer me an apology, they most certainly won't be getting me to move toward them by going no contact on me. After the apology letter, THEN leave her alone and let her come to you.
aMguilts Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 simonsez do this do that. OP, do what simonsez. and your`ll be ok cos, he knows best aM
aMguilts Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 too many people? lol I cant be counted as anywhere near as `too many people` I am the 1 that will voice without concern!! I`m not scared of anyone on here. mod`s posters, anyone. but i`m keeping within the guild limits. warning to you. you aren`t aM
Author The 209 Martian Posted December 20, 2012 Author Posted December 20, 2012 NO. When you hurt someone it is ALWAYS best to apologize. Nobody told him to "keep" apologizing. You are trying to make it look as if an apology is suddenly pursuing, chasing, singing at her window and throwing flowers at her. Good try, but they aren't even close to the same thing. He hurt her and he needs to give her a good old fashioned "I was wrong" apology. His own words were (and I quote) Do what I told you to do. Write an apology and mean it. Your other so called apology meant nothing if it wasn't the "best." Then leave her alone. Too many people on this site take No Contact too the extreme. In your case you first have to set up the correct situation for your no contact to have a chance of working. Man up and apologize. It is weak to hurt someone and then give a flippant apology and then expect no contact to work. If someone hurt me and didn't offer me an apology, they most certainly won't be getting me to move toward them by going no contact on me. After the apology letter, THEN leave her alone and let her come to you. Thanks for the advice. Definitely, at the minimum, I have to apologize to her properly and honestly. I'm going to wait until after the holiday break to approach her, whether it'd be through letter or a face-to-face.
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