so lost without the one I felt was my soul mate... ?

[rideordie]

This is my first post and would like some insight on my situation. Sorry for it being long but I feel that you would be able to understand my side of things if I went into detail. My ex and I were dating for over a year and were talking four months before I asked her out. The way we met and our story is so crazy I almost couldn't believe it...We will call her M. So, I used to frequent a restaurant M works at and when I would order we would chit chat and flirt but for whatever reason I was too nervous to ask for her number or give her mine, so after a while I decided that this girl was just being friendly and that I was just another customer so I stopped going. Then one day at work I got a friend request on facebook but it didnt load so I denied it (turns out it was her) then the next day after I got back to my apartment after work my roommates gf at the time came over and said her friend was coming over. Then a knock at the door, I open it and M is standing there looking absolutely beautiful. I couldn't believe it and was at a loss for words. I just said 'oh my god!' with a huge smile on my face. M was all giggly and asked why I hadnt approved her request yet and why I stopped coming to 'visit' at work. I guess I was wrong about my assumptions! That night was amazing and I felt something so strong from the instant I saw her standing on my porch...at the end of the night I didnt even have to ask for her number because she gave it to me saying that she had been wanting too all along. I was in shock but contained myself from calling until a week later. From that point on we talked constantly. The story gets better though...On our first date we talked for hours, she asked where I grew up and I told her about my first house in a town that was 20 minutes away and described my house to her, as I was M started freaking out...turns out we grew up 5 houses down from one another as kids! Again, I couldnt believe it. Then she was telling me about her first job which was right down the road from my apartment which I used to go to sometimes and tell my friends about how cute the girl behind the counter was. Turns out it was M. The more we got to know each other the more we discovered how much contact we had with one another over the years. It seemed unreal and I never believed in fate or soulmates until we met.

 

We had an amazing relationship and were madly in love, we both said we felt something we had never felt before. We clicked on every level. Now, we did have arguments and from early on I knew she had a hard time dealing with stress. She would sometimes start arguments just for the sake of starting and argument. I hated it so much and when i would ask her what we were even fighting about most the time she would say 'i dont know.' It was very frustrating but I loved her so I would deal with her one little issue and help her with it as best I could. As time went on things started to get worse our 'perfect' relationship was being tested with these stupid, pointless, one-sided, dramatic arguments about nothing in particular. I'm not saying I would try to make her change but she did have a tendency of pinpointing a flaw instead of focusing on all the positives.

 

Things started to change when she decided she wanted a new car. I drive a nice car and would let her borrow mine sometimes just because she liked it so much. I encouraged her that if she wanted a new car that now would be a great time to do it because she was still living at home. I told her she deserved it because of how hard she works. I took her to so many dealerships, would look up cars online in my spare time and wanted her to succeed with this new goal she set herself. Around that same time she also go a job offer which she was unsure of. I encouraged her to take it and not pass up on an opportunity because you never know what can happen. It was just being a waitress, but I have a job where you get tips and if you work hard you make more money and she had a strong work ethic and I thought she would enjoy it. I also said that it would help her get her new car. She took the job and got her car. This is where things started getting rough. She was working two full time jobs and I know how hard that is because I was doing the same at one point. Her stress levels were through the roof and arguments happened way to much and again were just completely pointless. She was frustrated because we werent seeing each other much but I was fine with it because I didnt want to stand in the way of her goals. I told her we would see each other when we could and we would get through this. Although I would try to fill her with positivity, she didnt see it that way. Then out of the blue, she breaks up with me. I was devastated, I thought I was doing everything right? She said she needed space, so I became distant. But she would text me telling me she missed me and everything so we would still talk, hook up, all that. Basically seemed like we didnt break up. I was confused as hell. I would give her space, she would come back, then repeat the cycle. When she broke up with me I was going through a lot of personal issues with my family having problems and other things. To deal with the breakup as well totally destroyed me. I decided to fight for what we had and tried everything to get her back, after a little while she accused me of stalking her. WTF?!?!? As if I wasnt hurt enough now this? I havent talked to her in two and a half months and I'm a wreck. I wake up hurting everyday and think about her constantly. I recently found out she blocked my number. I dont know where things went wrong or what to do at this point. In my eyes I was the 'perfect boyfriend' and did so much for her and was always there for her. I loved her more than I have ever loved anybody before. She had a pretty messed up childhood and past and I promised her that I would never give up on her or hurt her. At this point I feel so lost, I feel like part of me is missing. She wont talk to me but I feel like based on our story and how wonderful everything was that this girl is my soul mate. I know it sounds crazy but she really was special even with all the drama. I have become very depressed and don't have much interest in things I used to love. She was not my first love, first break up or first anything but I have never had a hard time moving on in the past or hurt this bad. Im so confused. What should I do?? I feel like I will never find such a connection like we had again.

[NavyAirTraffic]

I loved her so I would deal with her one little issue and help her with it as best I could.

 

I'm not saying I would try to make her change but....

 

In my eyes I was the 'perfect boyfriend' and did so much for her and was always there for her.

 

She really was special even with all the drama.

 

You can't fix broken people. She was broken from the beginning, you tried to help her, but that will never work. "Always being there for her" is not a good enough reason for her to stick around, you feel slighted because she broke your unspoken contract.... "I'll always be here for you, I'll try to help you and in return, you can't leave me".

 

A healthy person wants a healthy mate. Healthy people only truly connect with healthy people. A healthy person doesn't try to fix broken people.

[coffeebean201]

Hey - take the time you need to heal from this. There is no such thing as the perfect boyfriend, perfect husband, perfect brother. There are languages to love, I think there is a book called the 5 love languages, or some similar title, anyways, it is worth a read. Ambition and vibrancy are good, but a relationship needs to be fertilized with these love language cues.

[rideordie]

I know im far from perfect Im not saying I am, that was simply just what I was shooting for. Of course I made mistakes along the way but I was able to learn from them.

 

@navyairtraffic it never had anything to do with her not leaving, although I am hurt by it I know it was her decision. Her reasoning just doesnt make sense. When somebody breaks up with you out of the blue and you ask for a justification and it is 'i dont know' wouldnt that bother you as well? With the deep connection we had it just doesnt seem like there would be such a vague solution to our demise. Im not sure why you are referring me as unhealthy because I tried to be supportive in a difficult time. Is there more to your response that I am missing here?

[Mike_d]

is he referring to you as the unhealthy one? why are you projecting/owning that?

[Downtown]

Ride, welcome to the LoveShack forum. The behaviors you're describing -- temper tantrums, verbal abuse, push-away and pull-back behavior -- are some of the classic traits in a pattern of behavior my exW has. Yet, if your exGF has that particular pattern, she also would likely exhibit many other traits. I therefore ask whether you have often seen many of the following behaviors:

 

• Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
  
• Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
  
• Controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
  
• Irrational jealousy and lack of trust;
  
• Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you;
  
• Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about the next day;
  
• Low self esteem;
  
• Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined);
  
• Fear of abandonment or being alone;
  
• Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
  
• Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
  
• Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and that you are the only one that has treated her well;
  
• Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) -- for the first six months -- that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
  
• Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
  
• Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
  
• Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
  
• Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
  
• Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence (e.g., her conviction that you had been stalking her).
  

If any of those behaviors ring a bell, it would be helpful if you would tell us which ones are most accurate. It also would be helpful to know how old she is and how bad her "pretty bad childhood" actually was (e.g., whether she was abused or abandoned before age 5). Take care, Ride.

[Mike_d]

Downtown... I see what you are doing here, lol. How's it going?

[NavyAirTraffic]

why you are referring me as unhealthy

 

I'm not, well I don't think... When I'm in a relationship and my GF decides to "start arguments just for the sake of starting and argument", I don't "deal with it". By you dealing with it you're sending the message "you're testing my boundaries, and I'm letting you know that I don't have any". What real message does that send? When do you fight back her pushing your boundaries, when she cheats, hits you? Is this healthy behavior?

 

Her reasoning just doesnt make sense, ask for a justification and it is 'i dont know' wouldnt that bother you as well?

 

Tell me, what would make you feel better, take all the pain away? If she tells you she's in love with someone else, she was only using you for your car, she is madly in love with you but can't be with you, etcetera. Reasons don't matter, easy math equation (X=reason)

 

X + she doesn't want to be with you = you aren't together.

 

End result is all that counts!

[todreaminblue]

Ride, welcome to the LoveShack forum. The behaviors you're describing -- temper tantrums, verbal abuse, push-away and pull-back behavior -- are some of the classic traits in a pattern of behavior my exW has. Yet, if your exGF has that particular pattern, she also would likely exhibit many other traits. I therefore ask whether you have often seen many of the following behaviors:

 

• Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
  
• Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
  
• Controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
  
• Irrational jealousy and lack of trust;
  
• Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you;
  
• Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about the next day;
  
• Low self esteem;
  
• Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined);
  
• Fear of abandonment or being alone;
  
• Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
  
• Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
  
• Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and that you are the only one that has treated her well;
  
• Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) -- for the first six months -- that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
  
• Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
  
• Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
  
• Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
  
• Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
  
• Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence (e.g., her conviction that you had been stalking her).
  

If any of those behaviors ring a bell, it would be helpful if you would tell us which ones are most accurate. It also would be helpful to know how old she is and how bad her "pretty bad childhood" actually was (e.g., whether she was abused or abandoned before age 5). Take care, Ride.

 

 

psychological profiler...interesting where are you going with this i am curious?

how does this help the poster move on that i would really like to know....by the nit picking detailed psyche profile every personality flaw the ex might or might not have.... or whether her childhood was bad before or after five years of age who are you trying to fix?

 

by pointing out damaging flaws in a relationship he is no longer in and wants to move on.....four words...WHAT SHOULD I DO.......or what thought process you should trigger out of someone....i am curious....yopu triggered my interest and obviously mike d is smiling at where are you going i would like to know where you are going i am not as enlightened as mike d is...fill me in i am intrigued......deb

[Mike_d]

there is no "soul mate", your head is a cloud of chemicals. yuk, no wonder her vagina hates you

 

why you have oneitis, and what it means

 

so your story in a different frame:

 

you met her, she gave you some IOI

 

you rejected her via FB, she loved it, her head swimming in the chemicals of love, you had engaged her emotionally

 

she chased you, shows up at your doorstep. you are golden to here

 

you begin to screw the pooch. it was wonderful, she looked beautiful. you went from being tough to catch/elusive and elicting a chemical response in her emotional brain, to being available/easy to catch/right there. You validated her looks, probably over and over again if I had to guess.

 

she started arguments as fitness/**** tests to gauge where you were emotionally, could she feel protected by you, were you still able to release those chemicals in her brain. you failed miserably

 

she had a "need" (new car), you put her higher on the pedestal (she is already "cute" and you are at her beck and call) telling her "she deserved" one, then you went out and solved her problems not letting her stand on her own 2 feet. chemicals begin to fade from her brain, she feels this happening, but she still needs to feel pulled and you are not providing this any more for her. No need for her to chase you, you are now becoming boring for her. guessing monkey sex has stopped by now, and pity/duty sex probably starts around here.

 

and look at you being a nice guy, not getting in the way of her goals.... screwed yourself there pretty good. and you thought you were "doing everything right" right? welcome to opposite day, this one is all on you.

 

then, trying to get her chemicals flowing back with you, she breaks up with you - but you won't go away... how are those chemicals supposed to flow, how is she supposed to feel like she needs to chase you when you won't sack up and actually leave? she needs you to act like a man she can be attracted to, but instead you beta up again.

 

where is the alpha? where is the guy telling her what to do, where is your lead? where are you letting her chase you? where is your life? you are supposed to invite her into your already crafted life so she can see where she fits, not build a life around her.

Edited December 17, 2012 by Mike_d

[Mike_d]

psychological profiler...interesting where are you going with this i am curious?

how does this help the poster move on that i would really like to know....by the nit picking detailed psyche profile every personality flaw the ex might or might not have.... or whether her childhood was bad before or after five years of age who are you trying to fix?

 

by pointing out damaging flaws in a relationship he is no longer in and wants to move on.....four words...WHAT SHOULD I DO.......or what thought process you should trigger out of someone....i am curious....yopu triggered my interest and obviously mike d is smiling at where are you going i would like to know where you are going i am not as enlightened as mike d is...fill me in i am intrigued......deb

 

he is pursing a Borderline Personality Disorder angle, but I don't see it myself, but still an interesting question

[coffeebean201]

Hope you are still here - some of these posts....

 

Anyways, there are some people we just get so close to. Part of you feels like she needs you and that makes it extra hard to walk away. But you can.

 

You sound like a really steady guy.

[NavyAirTraffic]

Maybe we've been a little harsh. The truth is soul mates has 2 pieces to the puzzle. The first step is understanding that without 50/50 participation, the relationship is over (even if temporary, and you can't control that), moving on is your best and only option. You tried fighting for her and you were called a stalker and had your number blocked. She's making her intentions very clear to you, consider that a blessing. You don't know how many

"mixed messages" and "what does this mean" threads are out there.

 

Reasons don't matter, I'm not backing off that. "She knows you love her, she knows you want to be with her, and she doesn't care". We've all been there. Taking control back, regaining your self worth, are the first steps.

[todreaminblue]

he is pursing a Borderline Personality Disorder angle, but I don't see it myself, but still an interesting question

 

 

i knew he was pursuing a serious disorder angle just didnt see the need for it i have been shrunk by the best of them i recgnise the technique and its too cryptic......still dont see what you find funny about that ,are you laughing because you have stated its an interesting question?.....i fail to see the funny side of pursuing a head shrink when it is not required the poster need shelp nto a profile on his ex.......its pointless....for the poster who is requesting help....deb

Edited December 17, 2012 by todreaminblue

[Mike_d]

My exwife has a wicked case of BPD, Ive posted on here about it before. Downtown and I have participated in other threads about BPD together in the past, so I recognized his angle and laughed at his effort given my past and his knowledge

[todreaminblue]

Soemtimes you meet people in life who you seem to feel are just right for you, they perception is they do and say everything right....its a honey moon period.....relationships can get rough...i know this you need to know it....

 

 

sometimes people appear to be just what you need because that is a facade of what they know you need or desire and they project it......i learned the hard way people can be not what they appear to be ....give dating six months minimum to determine how they really are........sometimes people open up and come out of their shell more.......the more they trust they allow themselves to be known.....they can be the start of something beautiful.....i do a lot of work in relationship........i dotn mind.....but i woudl like to be with soemone who gives the same effort back.......it does need to be equal....i dotn believe in soul mates i believe in kindred spirits...

 

.sometimes they arent evident off the bat sometimes they are.....these are people who would make your life better they challenge you excite you, you have passion for them and they can at times annoy the crap out of you and the same goes for them you make their life better by just being around...thats a kindred spirit...they normally hold what you believe in close to their heart too...might not agree on the finer details.....ready to stand uop for what they believe in even if it does mean stating a difference of opinion

 

 

that is where passion comes in to play its hand in all areas even arguments you can argue without it being a fight....

 

 

 

there are many....kindred spirits.......some of them you mesh better with, even though that one you mesh with best frustrates the crap out of you you wouldnt let anyone else say that....lol...its back off he/she is my frustration not yours...dont you dare put him her down.If someone appears perfect for you ....yoru perfect othr half that would not be a challenge to keep a relationship alive you need to work at it to have a long lasting relationship or apathy sets in

 

 

 

when a kindred spirit smiles.....your life tilts back on its axis and you can actually smile back even if you feel like ****.....its not all romantic(it si extremely passionate) as i said, they can be extremely frustrating a challenge to know....but easy to love...I used to believe in soul mates when i thought that i would never feel for someone again.....i know how you feel and you will move on...it may take a load of time..... a lot of heart ache and self realization before you are ready to date and move on, take as much time as you need.......the next time you will have tools that you needed to make the next relationship even better even the negative aspects can be used....to better yourself.....did for me too take time........even though i am still severely fruity...i am a mostly happy fruit...i accept my bad days thats how i get through.....best wishes to ya poster i hope i have helped you in some way..hugs...deb

...deb

Edited December 17, 2012 by todreaminblue

[todreaminblue]

My exwife has a wicked case of BPD, Ive posted on here about it before. Downtown and I have participated in other threads about BPD together in the past, so I recognized his angle and laughed at his effort given my past and his knowledge

 

 

 

thanks for answering ......appreciated......deb

[rideordie]

holy ****, this is getting kind of crazy...okay. I first want to thank you all for your replies but there is a lot going on here.

 

@ mike First of all, I didnt give you all the details. There never was a time i didnt stand up for myself and anytime we had a stupid argument I let her know how dumb she was being, to put it bluntly. I often would not talk to her afterwards and she always would apologize for her actions. I'm not going to say im the most alpha dude out but I sure as **** am not the type to let somebody use me. I've seen too much and been through too much to let that happen. Yes, maybe my emotions did get the best of me and yeah maybe I did put her on a pedestal because she was so insecure I felt I had to. I've been with plenty of girls in the past and I know what that does but I was hoping this was different and that she would see my support as caring, which it was. Obviously all girls tend to act the same no matter how much they say they are 'different'. I get it, trust me. The stupid thing is that if you care about somebody you want to see them be successful right? I mean of course I wasnt going to hold her back, if that is being 'alpha' then **** that because that is just selfish. I know I shot myself in the dick by encouraging her but I cared so why wouldnt I encourage her? I dont think she 'used' me necessarily she just wanted to get on my level and I helped her get there. Personally, if somebody always had my back and helped me better myself, I would be eternally grateful. Thats just me though. Guess I'm too appreciative right? Whatever. I do agree with you to an extent but damn, is that really how a relationship works to you? being a total dick and making the person you 'care' about feel like **** and chase you? yeah, I was like that at first and there never was a time that I didn't have a life outside of our relationship but after 6 months I would like to think those stupid games stop. What do you think? Seriously, I would like to know.

 

@downtown honestly I thought there was something going on with her, at first I thought she was bipolar because of her mood swings but idk and at this point its not like it matters.

[Mike_d]

Downtown, I think I sabatoged your efforts to flesh out something you saw by outing it and not allowing OP to read it with an open mind. Rideordie, downtown has a good eye for this kinda stuff, you should go back to his posts and address each if his questions. I'll hold off on adding more till you respond to him. You may find answers that will help you, I'd encourage you to do this to the best if your ability.

[rideordie]

@mike I have and honestly a decent amount add up. Since our break and because of all the confusion I have been researching personality disorders and BPD does seem like a probability but im not a doctor...maybe since you said your ex had a severe case some of what I have posted sounds similar? I also want to say that I'm not trying to be a dick about this but it is kind of frustrating that you automatically assumed im a doormat. I cared about this girl on a level I never have with any other girl in my past so yeah I was willing to go out of my 'comfort zone' and do things differently. For what its worth, as far as her messed up childhood, her mother left her at a young age and actually tried to come back into her life when we were together. Some other things happened as well when she was young but I dont want to go into detail. So yeah, why would I want to treat somebody like **** who has been dealing with **** her whole life? I wanted the best for her but i didnt think the end result would end up like this...Thanks again for your replies btw, I really do appreciate it.

[NavyAirTraffic]

is that really how a relationship works to you? being a total dick and making the person you 'care' about feel like **** and chase you?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/61606-Alphsmales guide to keeping women around

 

Read it, study it, practice it, slap yourself if you stray from it!!

[Downtown]

I have been researching personality disorders and BPD does seem like a probability but im not a doctor.

Ride, BPD is a "spectrum disorder," which means we all have the traits to some degree. Every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all nine of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. These traits become a problem only when they are so strong that they undermine one's ability to maintain close attachments to other people. At issue, then, is NOT whether your exGF has BPD traits. We all do. At issue is whether she has them at a strong and persistent level.

 

Of course, only a professional can determine whether those traits are so severe as to satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full blown BPD. Yet, for the purposes of deciding whether your GF is a suitable marriage candidate, you don't need to know whether her traits surpass the diagnostic threshold. Even when those traits fall far short of that threshold, they can make your life miserable and destroy a marriage.

 

Moreover, spotting the red flags (i.e., strong BPD traits) is not difficult to do. There is nothing subtle or nuanced about behavior such as verbal abuse, irrational jealousy, and temper tantrums. This is why hundreds of the best hospitals and health centers have been posting a description of BPD traits on their websites for the lay public to read. They know that, when the public knows how to spot the red flags for a disorder or disease, individuals are far more likely to seek help and more likely to do so quickly.

 

Before you graduated high school, you already could identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD. You could identify the class drama queen -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD. You could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And you could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without diagnosing Avoidant PD.

 

Likewise, you will be able to spot strong BPD traits when they occur. Significantly, I don't know whether your exGF has most BPD traits at a strong level. I've never even met the young lady. I am confident, however, that you can spot the red flags if you take time to learn what traits to look for.

As far as her messed up childhood, her mother left her at a young age.

A strong fear of abandonment is one of the hallmarks of having strong BPD traits. About 70% of BPDers report that they were abused or abandoned in early childhood, usually before age five.

downtown honestly I thought there was something going on with her, at first I thought she was bipolar because of her mood swings

Perhaps she does have bipolar disorder. The behaviors you describe, however, are far closer to BPD traits. I am not a psychologist but I did live for 15 years with a BPDer exW and my bipolar-1 foster son. And I took both of them to numerous psychologists for weekly sessions throughout that 15 years. If you are interested, I would be glad to explain why you are not describing typical bipolar traits.

if somebody always had my back and helped me better myself, I would be eternally grateful. Thats just me though. Guess I'm too appreciative right?

If your exGF has strong BPD traits, she is incapable of appreciating your sacrifices and generosity for more than a few days. With BPDers, it is impossible to build up a store of good will or appreciation on which you can later draw during the hard times. Because they cannot control their emotions very well, they experience such intense feelings that they are convinced those feelings MUST BE real. Hence, trying to build up "appreciation" with a BPDer is as futile as building a sandcastle beside the sea. It will all be washed aside by the next tide of feelings flooding through her mind.

At this point its not like it matters.

It matters enough for you to come to a public forum and pour out your heart and hurt feelings. And, if she actually has strong BPD traits, there are other important reasons it would still matter:

 

• If you've fallen in love with a BPDer, you are still at risk of accepting her back if -- as she's already done many times -- she starts trying to suck you back into the toxic relationship by being loving and caring again.
  
• Even if she doesn't return, you are risk of running right into the arms of another woman just like her (as long as you don't know how to spot the red flags for BPD) -- caregivers like you and me are strongly attracted to women who desperately need us.
  
• You have no sense of closure, which is how a R with a BPDer always ends -- the result is that you are left with a gnawing feeling of guilt, thinking that you could have restored her to the wonderful woman you saw at the beginning if you could only figure out what you did wrong. The quickest way to shed that misguided guilt is to learn why the R was certain to fail no matter what you did.
  

[rideordie]

@navy while in the relationship I never knew about beta or alpha or any of that stuff although I did know not to go above and beyond for women. Throughout our relationship I was following a good amount of those traits on the list. The breakup is where I didnt due to not only all the other problems I was facing at that time but also her flip-flopping on me constantly and being indecisive. It was confusing as hell. Looking back the answer is a lot easier than it was in that present time.

 

@downtown the red flags are there and I am concerned that from what you have said and from what I have read on my own that she does have BPD

[Downtown]

@Her flip-flopping on me constantly and being indecisive. It was confusing as hell.

Ride, if she has strong BPD traits, consider yourself very LUCKY to only feel "confused." Being in a relationship with a BPDer is so disorienting -- with the world being turned upside down every few weeks -- that a large share of the partners and spouses feel like they may be losing their minds. Indeed, of the several disorders listed in DSM-IV, BPD is -- by far -- the most notorious for making partners feel like they are going crazy. This is why therapists see far more of the partners coming in and seeking therapy -- to find out what is wrong with themselves -- than the therapists ever see of the BPDers themselves.

[rideordie]

The more you tell me the more I feel that it is a probability. When things were good they were amazing but when they were bad the arguments were so irrational, pointless, and heated. She would sometimes take one thing I said and twist it to make it sound the complete opposite of what I was actually tryin to say. I remember the first argument she started with me was because she thought it was weird I didn't get 'mad' how stupid is that? Obviously I do, but not over every little thing I'm a calm dude for the most part. The arguments were one sided and she was almost always playing the victim. She also would pinpoint negitivity and focus on it only. Even if there was 100 things going right she would notice the one thing wrong. She would bring up past mistakes constantly and would make me feel like i was never doing anything right. It pissed me off and when we would have these dumb arguments thats when i would back off and she would apologize. Like you were saying, I feel like I am going crazy! I'm experiencing a lot of guilt among other things but I don't even know why I feel the way I do. It sucks and is only making a bad situation worse, unfortunately it is much harder to control than I ever would have thought. Like I said before I've been with pretty girls in the past and not had a hard time forgetting them but this one has left me a wreck. The thing that bothered me so much is that why would she break up with me? Does this disorder cause people to do something like that? I wouldn't say she had abandonment issues and I thought that was one of the main traits? I don't want to be diagnosing her nessessarily but when the facts are out on the table it does seem to look a certain way.

Edited December 18, 2012 by rideordie