LifeUnexpected27 Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 Hi there... I'll try to sum this complicated situation up as easily as I can. I'm divorced with kids and met a man in the same boat online. We met in person after two weeks and decided to date exclusively within days. We saw each other almost every day. Things were going well. We introduced our kids and they get along great too! Everything was wonderful for about two months. Due to some situations that had NOTHING to do with our relationship, my bf had some added stress. He is a very generous man and had friends that had four small children and about to homeless and offered for them to stay with him for a couple of weeks until they could find a place. During that time, we thought it might be easier for him and his kids to stay at my house b/c its bigger and has more than one bathroom. They were sometimes staying over anyway and so they were here almost every night for about a month. Then, the holidays hit and for both of us, this is only our second Christmas since our divorces. However, I had a very good split from my husband of 19 years and he had a very messy one with his wife of 9. I honestly think he didn't really grieve. Both of us had brief rebound relationships before we met, too. So he was struggling with some of this. Because these people will NOT leave his home...its now been 7 weeks of them being here, three weeks ago we decided that he should go back to his home to try and eek them out. He's a very man's man, so not having a place of his own was very hard for him. I should mention when we first got together, that we both were on the same page...not interested in ever marrying again and might live with someone in a couple of years...so this was supposed to be brief and temporary. However, while he was here, everything went great...kids did great, we never argued or fought about anything, our whole relationship was pretty easy. We were not yet "in love" but there are things I love about him and he loves about me. During our whole relationship, there were always good morning and good night texts. We texted thru the day and chatted online at night while manning children when we were at our own homes. He drives a lot for his job and calls me every chance he gets and sometimes we end up talking on the phone for hours during the day. When we moved back home, he shut down...I knew he wasn't doing well emotionally and was worried about him. We had very minimal contact...although some days were better than others, I did hear something from him every day. But we went ten days without seeing each other and I finally demanded that we talk in person. The talk went well. I told him since we both lived alone we could put our emotions (ones that would deepen the relationship) in a box, be together, have little expectations but let him sort this out. I think once the holidays are over and he can get these people out, he's going to be at least 75% better if not more. He agreed and we saw each other four times that week. Then last week, he says he just wants to be friends until he can sort it out. He's even goign to visit a doctor for depression b/c he knows he's not himself and doesn't feel its fair to me. During all of last week, he acted normal...texting good morning and good night, calling and so forth but we only saw each other one night. We will see each other with our kids every Tuesday for dinner...we decided to keep doing that b/c our kids love each other so much. I am willing to be patient. But every weekend he is completely shutting down. He's at home stuck with those people and I am just trying to let him set the pace. If I were really JUST his friend (meaning this was one of my girlfriends) I would go in and get him out of the house, b/c he's just wallowing and then during the week, he's much better b/c hes out of it. But I don't feel he would welcome that. He's thinking about me a lot, obviously b/c of the contact he is giving me. So my questions are...do I just stop trying to contact him at all and let him come when he wants even if he is clinically depressed? And do you think he wants me to wait for him if he's still very attentive? I don't want anyone else at this point. I want to wait for him. I'm so sad to see him go through this alone and I miss what we had. I feel he will likely be back b/c he keeps saying it. But I don't want to be stupid. I'm a nice girl and I know I could be a witch right now but its just not in me. Sorry to blather on...thanks for reading and HELP!
Million.to.1 Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 he's got alot going on. Give him space, but stay connected via txt, maybe let the intensity and regularity of them settle down a bit. If you are willing to wait, then do that. It's hard, but you will protect yourself and give him time to reflect and miss the positive presence you had in his life. Try not to worry.. If everything is as lovely as you say it is, then it will be agin after some space and time. He has to deal with these issues on his own.
Author LifeUnexpected27 Posted December 16, 2012 Author Posted December 16, 2012 Thank you! I just don't want to bother him, either. So I go back and forth with feeling like he needs to know I'm there vs not wanting to crowd him. I'm someone who reaches out when I'm upset...he shuts down, so its not something I'm familiar with how to cope with. I do think if we can get through the next three weeks, things will either be better or I'll know better what to do next if they aren't going to be for a while.
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